[Anonymous]

I apologise for the long post, but I have no idea of where to turn.

My mum left my dad when I was 5, he was drinking a lot and she couldn't cope, so she left with my 5 brothers and sisters, and moved to live with my gran (her mum). Eventually, things got sorted, we found a house that we rented with housing benefit, we went to the local school, and 14 years later, we're still here.
My mum made a point of making sure my dad could see us whenever he wanted, he would stay in our house when he came down so he could stay for longer, even though they didn't get along.

My dad continued to drink while he lived at his house, and his health deteriorated, so I emailed him once when I was 12, begging him to stop, he ignored said email and carried on, I did it again when I was 14, and when he told me he wouldn't stop, I didn't speak to him for 2 years.

Him and my gran never got along, he once called her a 'cantankerous old **** and he wishes her a slow and painful death', which was unprovoked.
Eventually, after 3 years, when we had to move in with her due to our landlord moving back and us having nowhere to go, christmas came, and she let him come down. They made up and two weeks later, she died.
My mum was distraught, and my dad took care of everything, he paid for the funeral, he did up the house, it was great. They suggested, that as my dad isn't well, when he dies, my mum will get nothing of his pension, that they get remarried. They weren't together, it was more of a business plan, he would live with us, pay bills etc. and that would be that. I said no. I said it was a stupid idea and it would go wrong, but no-one listened.

A year and a half later, here we are.

Over the past 9 months, I have given the best part of £1,000 to my mum to cover bills which would not have been paid due to the fact he has spent everything on drink. He is emotionally abusive to my mum, both me and her suffer massively from depression, which the doctor and counsellors agree is down to him, but we are trapped. If he leaves, which he is threatening to do, he will take half of what he is owed (the house is worth ~£200k) - £125k intrest only mortgage, /2 = £37.5k, leaving us with the same. This doesn't seem fair. My mum will have to use that to live as she will have us 6 children, whereas he will just bugger off.

If he does, we will lose our house, we will be rehomed, not all of us together, and this is all such a mess.
I am really sorry if you have read this far, but I am not coping, and I have no idea of where to turn

[iGriff]

Firstly, I'd just like to make you aware how brave you are sharing such an emotional and devastatingly personal affair, hopefully I can help you.

Health is the fruit of life and clearly your father is instrumental in bringing about the demise of you and your loved ones health. You must make a cost v benefits analysis here. Is it worth risking your health further in order to be in a financially stable position? Please consider that question very carefully, have a good think about it.

I'll keep checking this thread as often as possible, do not hesitate in PM'ing me if you need talk.

Have strength my friend.

[Mr Einstein]

I can offer no miraculous words of wisdom, no saintly solution.

It makes me beyond sorry.

I may be getting over-sentimental as it is 5 and I have not slept, but I promise in the future I will not be in a helpless position and will offer any aid I can to all. Words can only do a pitiful amount

[Allison_DX867]

My dad was drinking a lot and when he got drunk,he shouted at my mom,my younger brother and me and also complaint about what he got through in daily life.It was nightmares.He is getting better because he is getting older.I hate marriage because It is awful to experience my parents'.I understand that it's not easy to get out of that situation.But I think you should think about it and figure out your own way of life.Hope things can be better.Do not lose hope.

[AndroidLight]

How old are your siblings?

I think you know that you'll have to work towards removing your father. Could you perhaps rent a flat if the house was taken away? Although the house being taken away is a big thing, I'd say you guys being happy is more important here. I live in a flat with my 5 siblings and mum, and she's on 25k and we get by in London.

Or perhaps you could get some form of social service involved for the abuse he throws at your mum? Get him kicked out of the house that way. I'd hope there was some way you could get him out of the house without having to divorce and lose the house, but again if it did come to losing the house I think you'd be better of as all your troubles seem to be from your father, and that's something that's a lot harder to cure than financial issues.

[BethaneyJ]

When my mother and step father divorced, whoever had the children got the house until all the kids were out of full time education or 18. It could be that if yours do split you'll get to keep the house until you're all grown up.

Thats just personal experience but I hope it might help.

[hvh]

Unfortunately, as nice as it is to think your Dad will leave you with the house as above suggested - his a drunk, and drunks are incredibly selfish people. (I say selfish, but only in the way of thier addiction, I am sure when your Dad is sober, he can be a very nice person).

Theres really not much I can give you in the way of advice. Its a horrible thing to pick up on, but did you say that your Dad was ill and didn't have much long left? How bad is his health exactly? A family must bind together as a unit and support each other through everything, so you, your siblings and mother should sit down and seriously discuss what to do. Wait it out? Leave and get away as far as possible? Kick him out and see what happens - if he is a drunk, I doubt he'll want to waste his precious money on a lawyer to divorce ect.

Lastly, if you choose to kick him out - can you, your siblings and mother earn enough to support the household?

Best of luck, very sorry to hear about your situation.

[BethaneyJ]

(Original post by hvh)
Unfortunately, as nice as it is to think your Dad will leave you with the house as above suggested - his a drunk, and drunks are incredibly selfish people. (I say selfish, but only in the way of thier addiction, I am sure when your Dad is sober, he can be a very nice person).

Theres really not much I can give you in the way of advice. Its a horrible thing to pick up on, but did you say that your Dad was ill and didn't have much long left? How bad is his health exactly? A family must bind together as a unit and support each other through everything, so you, your siblings and mother should sit down and seriously discuss what to do. Wait it out? Leave and get away as far as possible? Kick him out and see what happens - if he is a drunk, I doubt he'll want to waste his precious money on a lawyer to divorce ect.

Lastly, if you choose to kick him out - can you, your siblings and mother earn enough to support the household?

Best of luck, very sorry to hear about your situation.

Well (it was my mother that moved out) my Mum cannot make my Dad sell the house until the children have moved out or he moves, whichever is first. She legally cannot do it because he has custody of the children. But yeah again, it would be something to look into rather than fact.

[hvh]

(Original post by BethaneyJ)
Well (it was my mother that moved out) my Mum cannot make my Dad sell the house until the children have moved out or he moves, whichever is first. She legally cannot do it because he has custody of the children. But yeah again, it would be something to look into rather than fact.

Thats interesting, I've never heard of that before. I'm guessing the custody is the main factor in this, so OP's mom would need to have custody of the children for that to work.

[BethaneyJ]

(Original post by hvh)
Thats interesting, I've never heard of that before. I'm guessing the custody is the main factor in this, so OP's mom would need to have custody of the children for that to work.

Yeah. It's definitely doing to be a case at a time type thing so it isn't general. But it really helped us