[Girlaboutuni]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, the longest I've been with someone - we got together soon after I started. He seemed fun at the beginning, but I've decided now for sure that I definitely want to break up with him (or, if we want to call a spade a spade, to dump him). Lots of things about him have bothered me during the course of this last year - I find him very immature, rather arrogant about his abilities (in ways that are not really borne out by the marks he tends to get), clingy when he wants to be, but pretty insensitive to my feelings (rarely noticing them), still bitter and simply rather boorish, at ease mostly when he's out with the other lads drinking, useless at communicating with any of my friends or with women in general. Oh, and still exhibits the same types of sexist attitudes one would have hoped he'd have left behind after he came to university.

So, I'm going to do it this week. I'm quite sure about what I'm doing, and want to be able to have some freedom during my final year, and have the opportunity of meeting or having fun with others. But I've never done anything like this at such an advanced stage, and I'm looking for advice and suggestions. Any thoughts on how best to do it would be greatly appreciated. Both he and I are still around university at the moment, but I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I'm about to dump him. I anticipate he will be shocked, but want to do it in such a way that I'm able to walk away properly. Please do let me know your thoughts on any aspect of how best to do it. As you can probably imagine, I'm very nervous about this (whilst looking forward to life 'on the other side', so to speak), and don't want to make a mess of it.

(If anyone has any thoughts they would prefer to let me know in private, please feel free to message me)

[DaneCook]

Tell him what you've posted on here. And if he's a lad as you say he is, he'll probably end up in some other girls bed by Friday. No biggie.

[For The Love Of Giraffe]

Maybe talk to him about what you've mentioned here gradually over a few weeks rather than shock him in one go - at least then he may suspect it's coming or better yet, he may try to change within the period before you break up...

The only way is to sit him down and talk to him, but maybe make him aware that you're just not really well matched and it's not necessarily his fault.

[Girlaboutuni]

He'd never slept with another girl before me, and whilst he is quite a lad, he can be a bit nervous and uneasy in female company. I've come to realise that he may have needed to stay with me in order to replenish his ego after another girl left him soon before he came to uni. Do you really think I should tell him everything I'm telling you all here? I'm worried about how he might react, to be honest.

[Girlaboutuni]

I have tried talking to him on numerous occasions, nicely, not trying to be harsh or hurtful, but he basically doesn't listen or gets rather defensive. If I thought he might change, I wouldn't be planning to break-up, but I really can't see any possible change at present

[DaneCook]

I'm confused, if you've tried to talk to him previously and it didn't work out, then you've done all you can?

You seem slightly hesitant, no idea why seeing as you sounded like you made your mind up in the OP.

Split up with him and move on with your life, I'm sure he'll move on with his too. No matter how much 'upset' or gutted you think he'll be, as long as he's at Uni, trust me he'll find a way to move on .

PS. Maybe he's being a dick/ignoring you because he wants to split up? Just a thought, my mates and I generally resort to being 'dicks' with girls we don't feel like seeing any more.

[Girlaboutuni]

(thanks for the thoughts so far - please do continue with any suggestions. I'll give this until Tuesday at the latest and then decide how to do it later in the week)

[Girlaboutuni]

(Original post by DaneCook)
I'm confused, if you've tried to talk to him previously and it didn't work out, then you've done all you can?

You seem slightly hesitant, no idea why seeing as you sounded like you made your mind up in the OP.

Yes, I was just responding to For The Love of Giraffe's thoughts on whether I should try and sit down to talk to him about it.

I have made my mind up, and am confident now that I definitely want to bring things to an end. I'm just hesitant about how to do it without getting hurt myself, if possible. And I want to be strong about this, not just doing something childish like changing my FB status without telling him, or sending him a text, or something like that.

[For The Love Of Giraffe]

Oh okay, well it's good you've tried to talk to him... I guess while it may be harsh to tell him everything you said in your OP, maybe you should so that he can know where he's going wrong and learn for the future? :/

Just be very honest and make him aware that you're sure and so he shouldn't try to pressure you to stay.

[foolscap]

Have you seen the film moneyball? At one bit Brad pitt teaches the other guy how to tell players in the football team that they've been sold to another team or are being released. He just sits them down, and says quickly, simply and very straightforward that they aren't in the team anymore, and has them in and out of his office in like 30 seconds, so he doesn't have to hear how they have a family to feed etc. While that's a bit short to end such a long relationship I think quick and painless is the way to go. Just say what you have to say and that's it.

[Girlaboutuni]

(Original post by For The Love Of Giraffe)
Oh okay, well it's good you've tried to talk to him... I guess while it may be harsh to tell him everything you said in your OP, maybe you should so that he can know where he's going wrong and learn for the future? :/

Just be very honest and make him aware that you're sure and so he shouldn't try to pressure you to stay.

Thanks - I'm sure you're absolutely right. I'm just a bit worried about how to be sure that I can do that, and practical things such as where to do it, whether I should have anyone else with me for support, even details such as what I might wear, what time of day is good, and so on?

I suspect that he will get defensive quite quickly, and it won't be easy to be sure I can say all I can. And I need my own space afterwards, and have an awful feeling that he will be pressurising me to think again, and so on.

[InnerTemple]

For the love of giraffe (great name btw) has a point in that saying everything you have mentioned in your opening post and in the way you have phrased it may be harsh. However you have told us that you have tried to talk to him on these issues and as such, I would suggest that being completely upfront is the best option for you. It may be better for you to simply tell him that he has not addressed the various issues that have been raised in the past and as such you do not feel as if the relationship can continue. If he wants further information, then would be the time to detail each grievance you have.

I'd suggest you make it clear that this is a break up. He is bound to be upset and the temptation may be to soften the blow by offering to 'be there for him' or something like that. To what degree of contact you have with him after breaking up is your choice, however I would suggest that there is little or no contact (if possible) for a little while. This serves two main functions: it signifies finality in that it is clear that your relationship is actually over and it also gives the two of you some space to think/move on etc. You may wish to ignore this advice. That's fine - just be careful that you don't 'blur the line' - so many times I have seen people break up, remain in contact... maybe sleep together...then become confused as to whether they are still together etc. Don't let this happen.

So: Be honest but relatively sensitive. Be firm but polite. Be clear.

[InnerTemple]

(Original post by Girlaboutuni)
Thanks - I'm sure you're absolutely right. I'm just a bit worried about how to be sure that I can do that, and practical things such as where to do it, whether I should have anyone else with me for support, even details such as what I might wear, what time of day is good, and so on?

I suspect that he will get defensive quite quickly, and it won't be easy to be sure I can say all I can. And I need my own space afterwards, and have an awful feeling that he will be pressurising me to think again, and so on.

I don't think there is a best time. But I suppose it would be polite not to do it before he has something important... so if he has a job interview at 2pm on Tuesday, it will probably be better to delay the breakup until the evening. Ultimately, it is your choice - but courtesy goes a long way and will be remembered.

Certainly talk to close friends and have them on standby should you need an emergency hug/coffee/double vodka and coke afterwards. I would suggest that you conduct the actual break up on your own though - having a friend with you may be a bit intimidating for him.

Don't allow him to pressure you - see my first reply. Cut contact if needs be. It seems harsh but it is for the best... believe me.

[Girlaboutuni]

Thanks, Innertemple, I'm getting a clearer idea. He doesn't have anything special on this week, so that won't be a problem.

I'm still worried that I might flunk it, and he might get unpleasant with me (he wouldn't be violent or anything, but I could imagine coming out feeling really bad), and wonder about how to put myself in the right frame of mind, so I have the confidence to be firm. This is why I wonder about what to wear - I'm not usually casual except at home, I usually take care whenever I go out - and whether I should meet at his place or mine, or somewhere else (and if so, what type of place would be best)? And how best to prevent it turning into something very long and protracted?

[Lucia.]

I think this is worth bearing in mind - there's no good way to break-up with someone and there's no way to ensure that neither of you will get upset. I think it will be best to be polite and clear about it. I don't think you should bamboozle him with too much detail up front. It will be a lot for him to hear at once. InnerTemple has given some sage advice about timing and cutting contact so it's clear that the relationship is over. If he reacts badly (which he may well do), then I advise you to respect him enough to remain at a distance from him (don't try to comfort him etc) and then I think you need to get out of the situation without lingering in the room with him so he can have the time alone to adjust to hearing the news.

I think it's good to be honest about why you want to end the relationship, but as I mentioned above, I don't think it'd be good to go into too much detail. If he wants to later on, he'll be able to ask you about that. The honesty is definitely important because I'm thinking back to when I broke up with my first love - he wasn't honest with me at all. It was a shock to me and he came out with, "I think you're great but I'm not good enough for you. I can't give you the love that you want". That wasn't the real reason he broke up with me, as I later realised...My naive voice asked him, "Will we ever get back together?" and he said "maybe"...Well I was far too into him; but saying that gave me this glimmer of hope, which resulted in me taking longer to get over him.

Break-ups are truly crappy but don't let fear get in the way. Life teaches us to deal with tough situations. It's unfortunate that he'll be upset but with time, he should be able to handle it. It happens to most people. It may upset him if he finds out that you've been thinking about it for a while, which is why I don't think you should reveal too much to him. That's to protect him from hurting more than he has too. I had a boyfriend who took ages to break up with me but realising that he'd had it in his mind for a while, was hurtful to hear. It's good that you've decided to end it. Sometimes people hold on out of fear and weakness and end up hurting the person more. Many people struggle with being in denial. I know I did. I ended up cheating on someone because I had suppressed how I felt about our relationship to such an extent that I was truly "in denial".

So stay strong. If you do this respectfully, he will eventually look back on it in a better light. Spending time apart post-break-up will clear the air and make it more likely that you might get on in future.

[Girlaboutuni]

Lucia - thanks so much (and thanks to others as well, including the person who contacted me privately). I'm still going to mull over this for at least the next day, but I can't tell you how helpful various of your advice is. Sorry if I seem a bit of an indecisive girl about all of this, but if I'm really honest I'm a bit terrified.

I can accept there isn't a nice way to do this, nor ensure no-one will get upset. If I'm allowed to be say something really selfish, I feel that I've already got upset enough (not that he would have noticed), and don't feel I deserve much more if possible.

I think that after this I will want to try and avoid contact with him as far as possible, at the very least until the end of the summer. Lucia - I'm a bit concerned, though, that if I don't tell him all the reasons for this, he might start protesting that they can be fixed, and so on (which I don't believe they can, at least not in the near future). And that it might turn simply into a heated argument, and I will no longer feel in control.

I'm worried about some other things. What if there are tears - how to handle those? How do I want him to look at and think of me as I walk away from him for the last time for quite a while? And, perhaps most importantly, am I going to become the bitch who humiliated him (this is a reason why the location seems important)?

Sorry if I'm sounding a bit all over the place with this; as I say, I haven't done anything quite like this before, and naturally am a bit confused, nervous, and restless (one reason I'm posting this late at night)

[Aldebaran]

Expect the conversation to last hours and yet go in circles - that's what I've found. You can try going for the very quick break up, but you might well find it doesn't quite work that way. There may well be tears - his or yours. If you cry, don't think it's because you shouldn't be breaking up with him - it sounds like you've really thought it through.

Oh, and expect it to be fairly difficult and unpleasant. But if it's the right thing to do, then it's best to get it done now than drag it out.


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[Daniel_R]

Get in there, state the facts and break up, get outta there.

[Girlaboutuni]

OK, there seem to be differences of opinion as to whether simply to try and make this as brief as possible, or be prepared for it to go on.

I'm not indecisive - I will make a decision on how to carry this out and stick to it - I'm just trying to take on board the best advice before arriving at that decision.

[Foo.mp3]

"I want to **** about in my final year"