[Girlaboutuni]

I do want the freedom to sleep with some other guys, yes (he was my first) - is that so wrong?

[Ortegas]

Why don't you just simply say that you think it's time to end a relationship, straightforward and simple. Girls of your kind always try to justify your desire by vilifying your former partner, an immature and dishonest attitude.

I do want the freedom to sleep with some other guys, yes (he was my first) - is that so wrong?

No, it is normal to experiment it with different guys, but it's immature to come here, give us tons of reasons to break up, and then ask for advice how to do it. You are a coward, go take responsibility for your well-being. Perhaps it's time to take a look at yourself and ask why you end up with such a boyfriend, if he is truly what you describes.

[InnerTemple]

(Original post by Ortegas)
Why don't you just simply say that you think it's time to end a relationship, straightforward and simple. Girls of your kind always try to justify your desire by vilifying your former partner, an immature and dishonest attitude.


No, it is normal to experiment it with different guys, but it's immature to come here, give us tons of reasons to break up, and then ask for advice how to do it. You are a coward, go take responsibility for your well-being. Perhaps it's time to take a look at yourself and ask why you end up with such a boyfriend, if he is truly what you describes.

Stop being such a tit.

OP provided many reasons for why she wanted to break up. Essentially the relationship has run it's course as well as there being some issues with the way her boyfriend acts. OP never presented herself as being perfect or without fault and in any event, that would be her boyfriend's concern and is totally irrelevant to this discussion.

It is completely acceptable for her to seek advice on how to approach the task of breaking up.

[Girlaboutuni]

Ortegas - I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and would never pretend otherwise. Perhaps I have as many if not more faults than he does. All I know is that there are too many problems, which I cannot foresee being resolved, for me to want to continue the relationship - and I've thought hard, and gone through much heartache, before arriving at that decision. Now I would like to think I've moved on from those feelings, the many times crying to myself and worrying, but need to find the best way to end it without dragging myself back into that state. And this does not appear easy to do - that's why I wanted to talk to others beforehand. I'm positive he doesn't come to this site, and the chances of any of you knowing me or him or small.

[Lucia.]

What I think you need to be aware of is that it's not often that anyone can get complete closure on why a relationship ended or know the reasons for sure. I don't think it's your job to provide that. In fact, I doubt that'd be what he wanted. I don't know men like men know men obviously, but experience has taught me that being direct but sensitive is better. If you labour the point too much, it'll make it worse. He'll want to know the facts and then he'll find a way to deal with those facts. That tends to be how guys operate.

As for worrying about how he'll react, I reckon you should deal with it when it happens. It's the only way. There is no perfect way to do this so don't try to shape a perfect scenario.

Don't second-guess yourself either. You know that you want to do this so don't keep going over it in your head so much. If your heart is not in the right place, then the relationship can't work. That's an irretrievable fact. A relationship is what you wanted in the past, but it's not what you want now. If you want to make the break-up easier on him then that's the best way to do it. Just say that you had some great times but that you're not happy in the relationship any more. That way you're stating the situation clearly and you're pointing out any faults which might have come from him (he will work that out himself later).

I was talking to a male friend about his breakup recently. I said "so why did you break up?". He said "I don't know. She just said she wasn't happy any more". But I doubt it's something that he's thinking about all the time nor over-analysing. Talking to exes, I know for a fact that they didn't not feel ****ty about break-ups but they were able to take it on the chin pretty well. I doubt guys are crushed when a relationship ends the way some women are. He will be fine. I am sure of it.

Would like to hear what guys think about what I said. I don't want to misrepresenting men or claiming to speak for them.

[Ortegas]

(Original post by InnerTemple)
Stop being such a tit.

OP provided many reasons for why she wanted to break up. Essentially the relationship has run it's course as well as there being some issues with the way her boyfriend acts. OP never presented herself as being perfect or without fault and in any event, that would be her boyfriend's concern and is totally irrelevant to this discussion.

It is completely acceptable for her to seek advice on how to approach the task of breaking up.

Guys like you will take every word from her as words of God. Why did she say "Her 1st boyfriend". Well, at least she has admitted deep down she wants to fly out of the nest and enjoys what life has to offered, this is a truthful desire, but stop painting a bad picture of her partner, that is what I have seen all my life with girls who are young and immature without any sense of responsibility, and instead blaming her partner for a natural death of the relationship.

If she is a thoughtful and mature person, who knows damn well what she wants, the answer has been laid out to her, using straightforward yet non-confrontational will solve her problems. When being asked why, she simply has to say "I don't want to be in a relationship right now." or "I want to be on my own at this moment." Being honest and sensible is the cure for all problems.

[Girlaboutuni]

(Original post by Ortegas)
Why don't you just simply say that you think it's time to end a relationship, straightforward and simple. Girls of your kind always try to justify your desire by vilifying your former partner, an immature and dishonest attitude.

All I was doing was giving my reasons for not wanting to be with him any longer. What would be really dishonest, and immature, would be to just say 'it's over' without giving any explanation.

Perhaps it's time to take a look at yourself and ask why you end up with such a boyfriend, if he is truly what you describes.

Do you really think for a moment that I haven't asked myself that many times over??? That is really insulting, I'm sorry.

[InnerTemple]

(Original post by Ortegas)
Guys like you will take every word from her as words of God.

Yes that's right. I idolise women and allow them to walk all over me. I wish I was good enough to be on the same level as them... those wonderous creatures.

(Original post by Ortegas)
Why did she say "Her 1st boyfriend".

She didn't. This is her longest relationship. She has never ended a relationship after such a long time and is simply seeking advice. Perhaps you should reread the first post again?

[Ortegas]

(Original post by Lucia.)
What I think you need to be aware of is that it's not often that anyone can get complete closure on why a relationship ended or know the reasons for sure. I don't think it's your job to provide that. In fact, I doubt that'd be what he wanted. I don't know men like men know men obviously, but experience has taught me that being direct but sensitive is better. If you labour the point too much, it'll make it worse. He'll want to know the facts and then he'll find a way to deal with those facts. That tends to be how guys operate.

As for worrying about how he'll react, I reckon you should deal with it when it happens. It's the only way. There is no perfect way to do this so don't try to shape a perfect scenario.

Don't second-guess yourself either. You know that you want to do this so don't keep going over it in your head so much. If your heart is not in the right place, then the relationship can't work. That's an irretrievable fact. A relationship is what you wanted in the past, but it's not what you want now. If you want to make the break-up easier on him then that's the best way to do it. Just say that you had some great times but that you're not happy in the relationship any more. That way you're stating the situation clearly and you're pointing out any faults which might have come from him (he will work that out himself later).

I was talking to a male friend about his breakup recently. I said "so why did you break up?". He said "I don't know. She just said she wasn't happy any more". But I doubt it's something that he's thinking about all the time nor over-analysing. Talking to exes, I know for a fact that they didn't not feel ****ty about break-ups but they were able to take it on the chin pretty well. I doubt guys are crushed when a relationship ends the way some women are. He will be fine. I am sure of it.

Would like to hear what guys think about what I said. I don't want to misrepresenting men or claiming to speak for them.

As I said, being sensible, straightforward yet non-judgmental is very crucial for BOTH SEXES. If your guys seem to be quite reactive due to the break-up, understanding this is just emotional spikes. But if he hates you then perhaps he is quite immature. I come to learn over the years that both men and women appreciate a great dose of honesty over a heap of poetic and overtly careful bull****.

I doubt guys are crushed when a relationship ends the way some women are. He will be fine. I am sure of it.

Be careful with this line of thinking, as it hurts men just as much as it hurts women. You should know all those clingy behaviours such as guys keep blowing your phone and all that. If you haven't experienced this, congratulations, you have let men with dignity and maturity pass your door.

All I was doing was giving my reasons for not wanting to be with him any longer. What would be really dishonest, and immature, would be to just say 'it's over' without giving any explanation.

Spare us the negative picture of your bf, instead going straight to the problem, "My relationship doesn't give me what I want, so now I am searching for a way to break up with my bf without hurting him/damaging his self-esteem".

Do you really think for a moment that I haven't asked myself that many times over??? That is really insulting, I'm sorry.

I don't know, all I see in your OP and subsequent posts is blame on your past bf face, without any line admitting your own flaws and weakness.

She didn't. This is her longest relationship. She has never ended a relationship after such a long time and is simply seeking advice. Perhaps you should reread the first post again?

And? Because it's the longest relationship, it is to be her best?

[InnerTemple]

(Original post by Ortegas)
And? Because it's the longest relationship, it is to be her best?

I'd assume that the issue is that the two of them have a greater connection than would be the case if they had been with each other for a shorter amount of time.

You don't seem to be offering any advice. You have just come here spouting a load of rubbish, stating that the OP has said things she hasn't and trying to get her to reveal her own flaws when to do so would serve no purpose in the context of this thread.

[Girlaboutuni]

Ortegas, the way you talk about me reminds me very much of the way he talks about most girls and women, whenever he has the opportunity. Not least when a girl broke up with one of his mates - I had to listen to a barrage of hate from all of them towards her for a long time, and they would look at her with an expression of contempt whenever she came into the union bar or anywhere else where they hung out. I don't know her particularly well, but I do know through a mutual friend that she felt a bit scared even going somewhere where she might see any of them, and I'm not surprised.

I'm prepared for the fact that this may well happen to me as well, and just trying to find the best way to handle things.

[Girlaboutuni]

And also, Ortegas, whilst I certainly wouldn't want to hurt him any more than is inevitable, I'm afraid I have to think of myself first right at the moment. Maybe that makes me a really selfish bitch, but I feel I've been through enough unhappiness already.

[Ortegas]

For me the context of this thread is just asking for advice how to end a relationship. That's not hard, she has her advice, mine included:

Something like this: "I am young and you are also young, we are both too young to be in a happy relationship. I find it's time to move on and I don't think we should see each other again. I am really glad to spend time with you but over the years I find out we simply have too much difference. I don't regret anything, but time has passed and I feel I simply want something else in my life right now. I hope you understand..."

I'd assume that the issue is that the two of them have a greater connection than would be the case if they had been with each other for a shorter amount of time.

The kind of connection that this chick has right now with her partner is full of bitterness and dissatisfaction. It reflects very clearly on her OP. It's the kind of outlook that she projects on that thread that displease me.

And also, Ortegas, whilst I certainly wouldn't want to hurt him any more than is inevitable, I'm afraid I have to think of myself first right at the moment. Maybe that makes me a really selfish bitch, but I feel I've been through enough unhappiness already.

Emotion is not something you can choose to feel, so trust him in that he can deal with his emotion on his own. I don't blame you to want to break up with him and want more sexual experiment in life, this is completely a justified desire, especially for your age. You are young, you will learn more, you may fail more, but that's ok.

I want you to think with a clear line that: "Getting into relationship with this guy is my RESPONSIBILITY, but since we are too young, it doesn't work out, so I want to end it here and go learn more about life." If you end up with a game of blaming each other and nitpicking his faults, you will just be those old bitter married couples keep complaining all the time.

So a lesson to learn, jump out when it's still not too late. It will come with experience and determination.

[Girlaboutuni]

Ortegas, what you suggest I say would bear little relationship to the reality, and sounds meaningless. And I'm afraid it's not true to say that I don't want a relationship, nor that I wouldn't want one with someone my type of age - just not with him.

I'll tell you what else, I wouldn't want to go near anyone who refers to women as 'chicks', and I imagine I'm not alone in that. Do you call women with whom you've been involved (if indeed you have) that to their face?

[TenOfThem]

I am with the "state the case and leave" people

I have been on both sides of both quick and slow endings and the slow just cause more pain, imo


Tell him that you see no future for the 2 of you together so you are ending it

You are not responsible for him and you do not owe it to him to explain what he has done wrong

[Ortegas]

(Original post by Girlaboutuni)
Ortegas, what you suggest I say would bear little relationship to the reality, and sounds meaningless. And I'm afraid it's not true to say that I don't want a relationship, nor that I wouldn't want one with someone my type of age - just not with him.

I'll tell you what else, I wouldn't want to go near anyone who refers to women as 'chicks', and I imagine I'm not alone in that. Do you call women with whom you've been involved (if indeed you have) that to their face?

For me it's a neutral word, we are no longer in Shakespeare's time where I have to address you as "My ladies...". Many girls just refer to us as "bloke", "dude", "guys". In French, they comment on us as "mec". How I call girls doesn't reflect my attitude about women in general. What I am trying to say in this thread is a complete opposite of the term "meaningless". Nothing is meaningless, even your mistake, even the discomfort you feel in your relationship right now, because that guy did bring you some funs, did give you a good time. What is bad about this relationship will teach in future how to choose a good long term partner. Blaming everything on your partner is not gonna do anything good for you.

Trust me when I say except for ONS, we are all in a relationship with each other one way or the other. What exactly the nature of that relationship totally depend on what expectation comes from both parties, and what emotions propel them from behind, even if it's a fling or a lifetime relationship.

[KTCI]

Each break up is personal, each one is different and it's going to suck. There's no nice way to do it, but there are things that you can do it to make it less horrifying.

If I'd offer any advice, it's just to do it in person, preferably at his place if you can, so he doesn't have to go anywhere once the break up's over (a more cynical reason being that if you do it at your place, you'll have to try to get him to leave if he's angry/really upset, and you're pretty much trapped.) I've walked home after being dumped, it's awful. Basically just say that you have something to talk to him about/you've been thinking, that you don't think that the relationship is working and that you want to break up - no ambiguity.

Do not mention the fact that you want to see other people, because even though it's a reason, it's not something that he needs to know. I agree that you shouldn't overwhelm him with information about why you want to break up. The fact that you're breaking up is hard enough to take in without the added information about how they're horrible.

Expect freak outs. If he's upset, talk to him but stay firm - don't let him guilt you into staying. If he gets angry/abusive, just walk out.

After it's over, I definitely advocate no contact. No texting, no facebook, no email, no calls, no nothing. You both need to clear your heads and move on. Don't allow him any hope that you'll get back together in the future, even if he nags you and you say 'maybe.' It seriously hinders the other person moving on and they will not leave you alone. And if you keep accepting phone calls and what not, they're just going to cling onto you for support, which isn't moving on. And if you have (like many of us do) have second thoughts and start freaking out, don't go running back to them. It'll likely just be a reaction to being single after two years and isn't a genuine desire to get back together. Keep remembering why you broke up with them and be firm in the fact that it's the right decision. If he and his friends are douches, ignore them - you don't need to waste time on people like that.

Anyway, I hope some of this is helpful, I don't really know what kind of person he or you are so some of this might not be relevant. Good luck - it's going to suck, but it sounds like the right decision.

[Girlaboutuni]

Thank you all (or at least most of you) for your various suggestions, both on here and through private message. This has helped me think through things, and I'm going to do it tomorrow evening.

I'm going to meet him at a public place - I wouldn't want to do it at mine, and he shares a house with other guys, and I'm not sure we would have privacy there, nor that things might get tricky if they are around. So I've asked perfectly innocently that we meet for a drink early evening (6:00), at a local bar where there will be people around, so I will feel safe. There may be a few people we know in the vicinity, but most of them have gone away.

This is what I plan to do, having taken on board a lot of your suggestions. I’ve got nothing else on in the afternoon, happily, so I can chill and spend a bit of time getting ready. I’m going to get there a bit earlier, at least 30 or 45 minutes, as I’m sure I need a stiff drink in advance. I’m going to wear a nice cream dress that I have, and white patterned bowknot flat shoes. It’s important to me to feel good, and feel like I hope to after I’ve moved on, in order to be able to do what I need to.

In terms of what to say, I’ve given this a lot of thought today. When he gets there, I will exchange pleasantries for a bit, take a big drink, and then begin. I plan to say to him that I’ve been very unhappy for quite some time and I need to tell him why (without saying yet that I intend to finish things). If at any point he tries to interrupt me, I will say to him that if he does not let me finish, I will just walk out and he will not see me again. I’m not going to pull my punches, and am going to be straight with him – he won’t like it, but it’s better to do this now and get it over with. I will tell him first (as it is the most important thing) how I feel that he rarely notices my feelings about many things, yet he can be extremely clingy and emotionally demanding himself when he wants or needs to be, not least when he’s forever bringing up the girl who left him before – I’m not happy acting as a stopgap for the hurt she caused him, I want to be liked for who I am. I will then tell him how he does not seem to accept women as having feelings and a will of their own, and simply condescends them and patronises them (including most of my friends), in a way I find definitely unacceptable. I’ll tone down my thoughts on his arrogance and abilities, I’ll just say that I get a bit tired of his forever having to prove himself in that respect to me. I’ll say that I don’t feel comfortable hanging around with his friends, and he clearly does not with mine, and there are not so many things we can do together. I’ll tell him, fairly, that this was my first serious relationship, and I’m afraid that right now he is not what I want, and I need the freedom to explore more. Then I’ll say that we are both about to go into our third year, and I have made my decision a while ago, and I am leaving him (I’m not going to say ‘I want to leave’, because that does not sound sufficiently decisive). I will say that we have had some lovely times together, which I will remember, but now is the time to say goodbye and move on. I’ll give him 5-10 mins maximum to say his piece (I feel I owe him that), and will listen to what he has said, but it won’t change my mind. I’m expecting tears, and pleas, and possibly some anger, but I think I’m mentally prepared for those. Whatever he does say about me, I’ll tell him that I will take that on board for the future. But then that whilst I appreciate he is likely to be upset about this, the relationship is over, and we both need some proper distance, and so I would appreciate if he would not contact me, by e-mail, Facebook, text, phone, or whatever, over the summer (we are on the same course, so I won’t be able to avoid seeing him when we both come back in the autumn). Hopefully that should give time for everything to cool down. Then I shall get up and leave, no matter what.

I’m under no illusions that this is going to be easy, but I’ve been going through it in my head this evening, and even been out to another place and sat outside, and ran through what I’m going to say, so it won’t feel so unfamiliar. I won’t deny that I’m nervous, but I do actually feel good in other ways, as I’m now starting to envisage closure and a new start to my life, which is exciting.

Most of my friends are away at the moment (I’m staying around because I have a job here over some of the summer) – I haven’t yet found someone to meet up with afterwards. I’m not really sure where to go afterwards, whether just back home (though I don’t want him coming here and knocking on the door) and pour myself the largest vodka I’ve had for some time, or somewhere else in town – I’m sure that whatever else happens, I’ll feel at least a bit upset and drained by this all. I’m sure there will be texts, e-mails, and phone calls, but I’m just going to have to be harsh with these and delete the texts and e-mails, and not answer the phone calls – hopefully he will realise in time that these are fruitless. I will also defriend on FB, and change my status, straight afterwards (I can do so on my phone). But other than discussing on here, I haven’t told anyone else what I’m going to do – I could call up some friends, but actually feel it wouldn’t be fair to let any of them know before him. I know that several of his friends are definitely still around, though, and I really hope they will be good to him afterwards.

If any of you think I might be doing anything terribly wrong, please do let me know. Thank you all again immensely for all your advice and suggestions – it has been such a huge help. Wish me luck! I might come and post something tomorrow night, as I’m sure I’ll be in need of some moral support.

I'll just mention that a good friend of mine (not at uni) was dumped by her boyfriend about a year ago. She was utterly devastated by it, for several months afterwards, and I tried all I could to lend her a shoulder to cry on and as much help as I could. But all things told, I do understand why he did it, and can respect that he did the right thing. And I can see how she has learned positively from the experience, and is on the road to making something better of herself and her life. I just hope that he can do the same.

[gagaslilmonsteruk]

I have no great advice on what to do, but here are the 4 BIG DON'TS

1. Via Text
2. Via E-mail
3. Via IM

and the biggest one of all

4. Change your Facebook relationship status prior to telling him

[Girlaboutuni]

Hi gagaslilmonsteruk - don't worry, I would never do any of those things. I can't imagine anything worse than someone dumping you whilst being too cowardly to do it to your face. If I were someone who might do that, I wouldn't deserve any type of boyfriend. And I have a feeling that saying my piece to his face may help me to rid myself of all the bad baggage which has been on my mind for too long.