[kingaaran]

Hi, I was a question by my english teacher which I had to answer. (It is not GCSE coursework so publishing it on this website will not be plagiarism.) The question I have to answer is:

"Describe a journey you have made by plane,train,bus or car." I was wondering if my piece contained any A/A* grade standard parts. What is good about it and what I can improve. I would also appreciate it if you could tell my what GCSE grade it is currently at. Thanks in advance.



I wandered into the flamboyant boarding lounge; by which I was fascinated. The multi-coloured chairs mesmerized my eyes. The spectacular glass view was so remarkable, that it shook me into a state of giddy exuberance. My eyes fixed with a hypnotic trance. I gazed enthusiastically at the majestic planes that took off into the distance. The sanitary purbeck marble flooring was roofed by imperative boarding passes. The chatter of anticipation between individuals reverberated across the picturesque airport.

“Would Passengers flying on the ZB279 Airline -- Please make their way to gate 37. Your plane is ready to board.”

Adrenaline rushed through my body. I ran as quickly as I could, to get to gate 37; so that I could be first on the plane. “Hello, Could I please see your boarding pass?” The lady asked civilly, as she stood there with a smile growing itself onto her jovial face. She checked my boarding pass and showed me the way to freedom.

I boarded the plane eagerly and looked around for my seat. There was my seat! I quickly put my baggage into the cabin and sat down next to the window. A small child, aged around four, came and sat next to me. His mother, set with the grueling responsibilities of motherhood, screeched and screamed at the innocent child before he eventually agreed to fasten his seatbelt. He wiped his mucus off of his pale face with his brand new jumper whilst cold tears watered themselves out of his eyes. The plane rumbled its lugubrious engines and prepared for the runway – as the cabin crew were trying to show apathetic travellers the emergency exits. I gazed eagerly out of the window. However, my happiness was about to end. The little boy who was sat next to me began to scream! “MUM! MY EARS HURT!” His screaming was so infuriating. However, at least I had my iPod.

The plane was decorated in an Olympic inspired style. The chairs! Oh, the chairs! They were so comfortable and I was not even in first class. The members of staff were so benevolent and obliging and they even gave me a free bar of chocolate. During the flight, I enjoyed a few hours of blissful oblivion, gazed at the fascinating view - which my eyes explored whilst I looked out the window and I even watched a film. Though when the plane came into landing, the same experience from the take off came back to tyrannize me.

The plane had finally landed! I then set off to find my new home, for the next seven days! Even though, I could not wait for the journey back.

[foreverundecided]

It sounds fine, just being picky but something like 'the multi-coloured chairs mesmerized my eyes', to say they 'were mesmerizing' or something about them 'was mesmerizing' would sound better.

Maybe reconsider a few adjectives and their suitability to the sentence, if they are a little too strong.

Try to join a few of the short sentences at the being, for example 'by which I was fasinated, because the multi-coloured chairs were mesmerizing.'

Hope this helps x

[Speedy03]

That looks pretty good I thought! As the poster above said, careful you don't overegg it though, calling airline staff 'benevolent' seems a bit much. I mean, they're not 'all-loving'? And I really don't like 'tyrannize' at the end, I'm not convinced it's a word, for starters (feel free to prove me wrong...), but it just seems a bit OTT to use anyway...

[kingaaran]

(Original post by Speedy03)
That looks pretty good I thought! As the poster above said, careful you don't overegg it though, calling airline staff 'benevolent' seems a bit much. I mean, they're not 'all-loving'? And I really don't like 'tyrannize' at the end, I'm not convinced it's a word, for starters (feel free to prove me wrong...), but it just seems a bit OTT to use anyway...

Thanks for the feedback but tyrannise is a word and simply means haunt. Also this is my first time on a plane so to me I am shocked that they are being so helpful. I think benevolent was a great word choice but anyways thanks for taking your time to answer the question.


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[L'Evil Fish]

I think, that the sentence structures, may let you down, although the content is very good, you need to vary structure for part of 30% of your whole mark! So I'd construct some longer sentences as well

[Damask-]

Your use of commas confuses me greatly.

[flibdoo]

(Original post by kingaaran)
I think benevolent was a great word choice

Yes, but your text as a whole is very heavy. Every other word in the first paragraph is fifteen syllables long. Tone it down a bit - this essay reads as if you're showing off how many words you can think of. You don't have to be flowery to write well. Whatever writing style you choose to adopt, it should not break the two fundamental rules: firstly, never use a long word where a short word will do; secondly, make every word tell.

By the way, both of your semicolons are wrong.

[_hail]

(Original post by flibdoo)
never use a long word where a short word will do

I agree completely. It sounds as though you've just flicked through a thesaurus every time you've needed an adjective. The feeling of excitement, anxiety etc that you're trying to get across in the piece is masked a bit by all of the long words. It doesn't make you a bad writer if you use simple words! A lot of great authors like Steinbeck, Hemingway, Orwell use very simple language and instead play around with imagery- '…and in and out of the beam flies shot like rushing stars.' (Steinbeck, Omam). 'Rushing' is the longest word in that quote, and it's two syllables
But having said all that, your writing's definitely not bad! I just think you should change the longer words and that would improve it a lot.

[charlie9872]

You need to sort out the sentence structure and punctuation. I'd also criticize the opening paragraph, it sounds like you've swallowed a thesaurus and feel you need to tone down the imagery a tad, to give the monologue a more personal account.

[glelin96]

(Original post by shadab786ahmed)
I think, that the sentence structures, may let you down, although the content is very good, you need to vary structure for part of 30% of your whole mark! So I'd construct some longer sentences as well

You're commenting on sentence structure? Really? I have not seen a post of yours before this, but judging on that individual comment, your use of punctuation leaves a lot to be desired.

[philistine]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

[Lunch_Box]

At GCSE, always aim to use all the sensory devices like smell, touch, taste, etc... You can't really go wrong with that.

[Alexandra's Box]

I agree with others - the sometimes excessive use of complex or rarer adjectives distracts from the story itself. The repetition of 'screaming' could also be changed - the section would benefit from a more abstract style that suggests the state of the child rather than stating it.

[Astronomical]

(Original post by kingaaran)
...

I'm fairly sure your use of semi-colons is grammatically incorrect.

Besides that, it reads as though you've focussed on cramming in as many "big words" as possible rather than ensuring it flows well. For example, rather than saying: "I wandered into the flamboyant boarding lounge", you could make an entire paragraph describing just what was so flamboyant.

The word "wandered" also implies that you've ended up there by accident, which is obviously not the case.

Using long words is a great way to distinguish your writing at GCSE level, but if you overdo it to this extent it has an adverse effect. You need those words to make an impact, so use fewer, but make sure they bolster the description you're giving more than a simpler word would.

Try to get a few more adverbs in, too, if you can, but don't overdo those either.

[L'Evil Fish]

A tangible feeling of expectation hung in the air, inquisitive stares and some nasty glares were locked onto the barren stage. I could see that the audience were anticipating a miracle but I couldn't disappoint and with that thought I gallantly stepped onto the stage.
The pressure mounted on me, it was colossal. Maintaining eye contact with my spectators, I paced along the stage, claiming my territory, like a lion on new lands. An very silence stole through the room, I had each onlookers' attention, their eyes following mine as though hoping I would spare them a passing glance so they might me unawares and reveal every secret to my name, but I couldn't let that happen. I was the Great Majastar and I was ready, to captivate all.
I introduced my creation, a new trick, an astonishing trick, it was to dazzle the audience, defying all of nature's laws. All the heads had turned in my direction, following me wherever I led them. Like a gaze upon a shooting star. The intense white spotlight shone upon me, revealing all of my potential flaws. The heat was unbearable, it caused droplets of sweat to roll down my bare back.
As I walked and spoke in a charismatic tone, my stride faltered as tripped on a raised plank of wood.
Undeterred by the niggles of laughter that followed, I began to explain what was coming up.
"Most Magic is just a trick of the eye, most people who have attempted this consider it rather dangerous, so be warned. What is to follow isn't a trick but pure magic." my voice bellowed.
I heard it reverberate to the rear of the magnificent auditorium, much like the echoes of a vast cave.
I selected a random member of the audience to inspect two wooden solid doors which stood prominently on each side of the stage. His eyes darted between the two, peering into every depth but to no avail. He was content with the stage and contraptions, although he strolled back to his seat with his head hanging, as if wanting to have exposed a secret.
With that I threw my raven black hat to the other side of the stage and walked through the first door. I remember the audiences' eyes tracking it as it glided effortlessly through the air. I disappeared and "I" caught it. The applause was thunderous, like a forceful avalanche plundering down a rocky mountain.
I could only imagine the sheer exhilaration that he felt, the sheer joy if being adored by every audience we encounter. Each crowd bestowing a new gem upon his crown of self-importance. Consequently, he came to understand his necessity in the act, he began to abuse his power, even exploit it.

*************
With this trick I needed a double, a twin, someone identical to me, so that when I opened the door fully to conceal the trap door through which I would plummet down. He would take his place as me, thus forcing the belief upon the audience, that I had teleported from one side of the stage to the other. A simple trick of the eye.

************

After the cheering had finally subsided I dusted myself off and stumbled through the inky darkness below the stage until I reached the dressing room doors.
Through the cracks in the stage I could see three bright lights shining onto the stage. All intertwined to create a mystical colour, before merging each was distinctive; a deep, majestic blue... An emerald green... And a blazing cherry red... My own design, the audiences' mood changed with the colours simultaneously, the reversed effects of a mood ring.
I opened the doors, and came face to face with my perfect replica. I congratulated him on the performance, adding that it went "magically".
Following the great successes, we performed countless nights, including to Sir Terastar by personal request. Then he began to jeopardise the shows, late entrances which resulted in the hat lazily floating onto the unpolished floors. He even removed the hay below the hidden door on which I would land... He had complete power and authority over me, he was my puppet master. My identity was being constructed by an imposter and I had no control whatsoever. It was my face, with his endless, added characteristics. I had to end it, but how?

If you're wondering how exactly the magic occurs and how I render my audience speechless; you should know, that a magician never reveals his secrets.


This got me 18/20 which scraped an A* nevertheless, what do you all think?

[Norton1]

(Original post by shadab786ahmed)
This got me 18/20 which scraped an A* nevertheless, what do you all think?

I think you ripped off 'The Prestige'.

[L'Evil Fish]

(Original post by Norton1)
I think you ripped off 'The Prestige'.

It was an adapted version the title was called Getting on Stage, I couldn't resist such an amazing film!