(Original post by Mr_WillCarroll95)
Hi guys, I have countless beginnings of stories on my computer that no one has ever seen, and I thought i would post the most complete one on here. I will just add an extract, and if you like it and want more i'll post it. Your feedback will be really appreciated, i've always love writing and have been published on Listverse 3 times. Anyway, my story. I'm sure it will be riddle with errors, this is just a draft.
A cold void of undiscovered potential, an abyss of discovery waiting for excavation; the theatre for exploration.
As the spacecraft soared through the sheet of black, its engines roared into life and shook the cabin. The ship was a marvel of engineering and ingenuity, its metallic white plating shining in the occasional light of a star. Along its side, in a shade of scarlet, ‘X-20 Herald’ could be seen shining with brilliance.
Too much 'shining' going on in the first three sentences.
The craft was more than just a ‘spaceship’, it was a frigate.
Delete 'frigate' and reword to something like 'The craft was more than just a 'spaceship'. it was a grand floating civilization...' Frigate is a bit underwhelming. It'd be like me saying IT WAS NOT JUST A DVD. IT WAS A STEVEN SEAGAL DVD.
It was a grand floating civilization, housing over 500 crewmen and their families, offering safety in a world that they knew very little of. Aboard the ship, in the darkest bowels of its underbelly, a warmth so great that it could be felt in the crew’s quarters emanated from the engines'
noise so loud that it shook the cockpit, and a light so brilliant that it carved their luminous path through the cosmos. The X-20 Herald was a regal feat in science, and those aboard knew how privileged they were to be aboard.
Commander James Ford was the man behind the ship. He ran a system check every day on all the mechanics inside the vessel. He checked the engines were running at their optimum, that the crew were working efficiently and not procrastinating, that the pilot and his co-pilots were staying vigilant on their voyage and most importantly that the ship was in no danger and that it still remained the safe haven of solitude that it had been for decades. That very morning, the commander had gathered the crew and their families in the Conference & Strategy room to discuss the plans for the coming weeks, for soon they would be arriving at their first objective.
The man behind the ship... is he the captain, the engineering officer, the XO? Be clearer. Detail the meeting in the C&S room a bit more. What is the room like? What do the people look like? At the minute Commander Ford in my mind is a little Lego man.
Also, you say there are 500 crewmen and their families. If they all have a wife and two kids, that's 2000 people you're packing into one room. This C&S room must be massive. Use the cargo bay or something.
“Good morning to you all, I hope that the past few weeks haven’t been too arduous on yourselves and your loved ones. “ He spoke with a friendly but gruff voice, the scars of war still present in the depths of his throat.
What war? I can't get the veiled references to his chequered past if I don't know anything about the universe we're in. At the moment we're on a spaceship, in space, and we're going to Fenton V.
“Soon, we shall be arriving at Fenton V, and will be docking up on the 7th.
7th of what? This a good opportunity to get the date in here.
This, as you know, is where we must begin our search. I cannot portray my gratitude for what you have striven to do on this ship over the last few weeks, and I assure all of you that our reward will be greater than any of you can imagine. This journey will be hard, and many of you may find coping with life in this desolate wasteland a task too great. To those, I promise we will be there for you. We will watch over you, and care for you as if you were our own family. And when we finally seize our
prize, and reenter this ship on that fateful day, all of you will be filled with the glow of success, and the throes of victory. But until then, keep at it, and remember that this ship is ours to protect and not just mine, not just the pilots, but ours. Thank you, that will be all”
Bit of a nothing speech. Searching for what? I understand wanting to give only a few details to keep people reading, but you're giving them nowt. I didn't see anything worthy of applause being said.
After a short burst of applause and murmuring between the families, the Commander called out once more, and instantly disrupted the proceedings.
“One last thing, may I see Pilot. Ollis and Technician. Grady before they depart please.”
The families left and their conversations on anxiety and excitement could be heard for the next few hours. Ollis and Grady approached the Commander, saluted him and then stood formally awaiting their orders.
“Ok gentlemen, I’ll speak to you both now you in private so that we can begin our mission as efficiently as possible. This mission belongs to me as much as it belongs to you (I find Commander Ford to be incredibly jingoistic and irritating when he keeps saying bumpf like this)
, I am relying on you to bring every ounce of success our way and keep this ship running without a hitch. Ollis, you and your men have done a grand job in the cockpit of the Herald for as long as I have served alongside you, and I ask that you work them as hard as you can for the weeks ahead. Without you, this ship would have no heart, no power, nothing. We need you to remember this, when navigating this many lives through territory as dangerous as this. So with that I say good luck.” A brief salute followed before Ollis departed back to the command bridge.
Christ. Does Ford speak in anything other than poor-quality speechwriting?
“And Grady, I say similar to you, your team brings the safety and seclusion to the Herald that it is so renowned for, and –“ Ford was cut off by an apologetic Grady, who interrupted,
“Sir, I apologise for interrupting you but we have discovered many problems with the ships shield array in the last week and haven’t had apt opportunity to discuss these issues with you.”
“Haven’t had time! Have I been a mere hologram for that last few weeks, or have you just been a fool not to tell me?” The gruff side of his voice now surfaced more prominently, and it was clear he was losing his temper.
“It was ever since we passed the interstellar system above Mygon sir, the radiation in the air affected the frequency output of the shield array and caused it to go temporarily offline, it wasn’t until three days later that we managed to syphon enough energy from the engines to repower them.”
“You mean to tell me that for three days this ship was in complete peril, and you didn’t tell anyone?!” The final few words were bellowed into Grady’s face, and he went red with embarrassment.
“And what is more, we have been travelling slower through dangerous zones because you had taken energy from the engines? You bloody idiot Grady! Do you understand what danger you put us all in?”
“Sir, I am sorry, deeply sorry and I know that I have been naïve, but we have discovered something a lot more worrying, and a momentary lapse in the shields isn’t our problem.”
“Then what is the bloody problem!?”
“ Command Centre Alpha on Fenton V has radioed back in over 5 days”
The air in the Conference room became paper thin, and the Commander began to choke on all that he tried to say I response.
“W-What do you mean by ‘no response’? None at all, or just not specific orders regarding our mission?”
“None at all, sir. Their radio frequency isn’t accessible either, its like it was just, wiped out.”
Is this a joke? Highly important things like shields going down and no comms with the destination's command centre going unreported? That's not 'I've not been able to speak to you', that's total incompetence. Bit too unbelievable.
“This mission just got a lot more bloody complicated. I want you to alert Sgt. Donohue
A sergeant is an NCO. Men are led by officers- 2Lt, Lt, even a Captain. On this note, this Grady bloke is a technician. Why is he, on a vessel of 500 crew, reporting directly to the captain? Might want to make him an officer.
and his men, we need to be prepared for possible hostility when approaching Fenton V. And make sure that all turret defense systems and shield recalibrations are working efficiently; we cannot afford any lapse in our defenses again. Not after what you have told me” He trailed off with a cold undertone, and Grady jumped to attention and ran out in pursuit of his orders.
Grady ran through the crew lounge at lighting pace, and pushed through the ovular automatic doors that opened up onto the command bridge. He rushed into a side door just off the cockpit and entered a small chamber, the size of a small broom cupboard.
Too brief a description of everything.
“Welcome, Technician. Grady” A soft, AI voice echoed into the chamber.