[Anonymous]

Sorry if this is a bit long, I want to include as much detail as possible so it's not one-sided...



Imagine a new couple, man + woman in their 40s. The man has a daughter (sophie*) from a previous relationship which ended a long time ago. The woman has two daughters (tina* and lily*) from a previous relationship which also ended a long time ago. The father of these two daughters has since died.

The man's daughter Sophie is in her 20s, lives in a different city, and only occasionally visits him. The woman's daughters are both teenagers. One, Tina, has moved out recently but is still semi-dependent and lives at home in university holidays. The other, lily still lives with her mother and goes to college.

This couple have known each other about a year and a half, and been together about a year. They had planned on moving to a house together so they could live together and accommodate all three of the girls. However this fell through due to finances. Since then, the man has asked the woman to marry him. None of the daughters knew about this until it was arranged and she had accepted.

Also, he has asked her to move in with him, instead of them finding a place together. This would involve the woman moving to a different city, along with lily who is still at college. She would have to travel to a different city to go to college every day.

Also, due to space, Sophie, who up until now has had her own room (for when she visits) in her father's house, will now have to share this room with Tina when she is home from university, as well as having half of it turned into a study for the woman.

The man has a dog, and the woman has four cats. Moving to his house would involve getting rid of one of the cats, and trying to get the remaining three to settle in to a new house, and get used to the dog.

All three daughters have expressed concerns about the move, which is due to take place in around 3 weeks. Their concerns are:
-The cats
-Rushing into it
-Not being consulted about it, and not being consulted about the engagement
-The space, especially that of the man's daughter who will have to give up some of her room

The couple counter that they are in love and strong enough to make it work, will take into account what they need to do to ensure the three cats settle in, and will make sure each daughter has space and feels welcome.


My question is, is this right? Should they be moving in together and planning a wedding? Does anyone have any thoughts on this family situation?

[Juno]

You shouldn't be "consulted" about the engagement. That's completely the wrong way to look at it. It's understandable you're feeling weird about it, but if they want to get married and live together then it's not your place to stop them.

[The Rusty Spork]

They should be doing whatever the hell they want. It is their lives and you 3 will eventually be moving out and should be out in the next few years. It would have been nice had you been informed and involved in the dicussion (not the marriage proposal as that would just be weird) but in reality it is their lives and they will do what they want.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Juno)
You shouldn't be "consulted" about the engagement. That's completely the wrong way to look at it. It's understandable you're feeling weird about it, but if they want to get married and live together then it's not your place to stop them.

(Original post by Mess.)
They should be doing whatever the hell they want. It is their lives and you 3 will eventually be moving out and should be out in the next few years. It would have been nice had you been informed and involved in the dicussion (not the marriage proposal as that would just be weird) but in reality it is their lives and they will do what they want.

I am not one of those three just for the record, I'm an outsider although I'll admit I would tend to side with the daughters and have their best interests at heart

[TheEssence]

My opinion is that there will be problems. Its fine when its only two people involved and they are willing to sacrifice for each other, but when children of age are involved, any decision taken requires their consultation imo. The children kicking up a fuss, or creating an air of negativity will do the union no good imo.

Im talking most especially about the housing arrangement.

[Kenocide]

(Original post by TheEssence)
My opinion is that there will be problems. Its fine when its only two people involved and they are willing to sacrifice for each other, but when children of age are involved, any decision taken requires their consultation imo. The children kicking up a fuss, or creating an air of negativity will do the union no good imo.

Im talking most especially about the housing arrangement.

Pretty much this.

Saying 'The parents can do whatever the hell they want, it's nothing to do with the children' (despite the fact they essentially still live at home) is pretty retarded. It's literally the polar opposite of the fundamental principle of being a parent.

[The Rusty Spork]

(Original post by Kenocide)
Pretty much this.

Saying 'The parents can do whatever the hell they want, it's nothing to do with the children' (despite the fact they essentially still live at home) is pretty retarded. It's literally the polar opposite of the fundamental principle of being a parent.

The 'children' sound pretty close (or already at) adult age. They should act thus.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Mess.)
The 'children' sound pretty close (or already at) adult age. They should act thus.

One of my concerns about how the two adults are handling it is that the three girls are so close to each being fully independent, that surely if these two are going to be together forever they can hang on for another 3 years or so before thinking about all of this?

[monk_keys]

My heart goes out to the cats

[The Rusty Spork]

(Original post by Anonymous)
One of my concerns about how the two adults are handling it is that the three girls are so close to each being fully independent, that surely if these two are going to be together forever they can hang on for another 3 years or so before thinking about all of this?

I understand your thought process but ones life should not be put on hold because 3 people who already know eachother and have no previous problems with eachother, will be living in close proximity. If they don't agree with it then they can move out once they hit adulthood and express their independance in that way.

Whilst being able to understand the viewpoint I don't have much sympathy with (essentially) adults living (pretty much) kept lives having their parents lives forced upon them.

[Anonymous]

Well I can understand, to a degree, the people who say that it's the adult's decision etc. However, children don't ask to be brought into this world - if you have a child and then suddenly tell them when they're an adolescent/young adult: ''if you don't like my lifestyle then move out" - then you are an utter bastard, quite frankly. Even in our early 20's it is very difficult to leave home - if you have no job it's impossible, and jobs are very hard to come by right now. So compromises must be made - a parent can't say that have the right to be drunk every night or to have loud sex with a new partner every night, or to nosey through your room while you're out just because ''it's their house''. When you have no way of leaving that house other than sleeping on the streets and they brought you into the world then they have a responsibility to respect you and your privacy.

After going through years of arguments with divorced parents, I have absolutely no sympathy or time for adults who move their kids around the country in order to be with new partners and in the process drag them away from their schools/colleges/jobs. Teens and young adults have no option but to follow them because they cannot afford to go it alone. Adults like that are immature and selfish - the people who say 'they can do what they like' have obviously never had live with parents who really do do what they like.

[Hopple]

(Original post by Anonymous)
x

Sophie doesn't need a room reserved just for her visits. The girls need not be told about the engagement, but should be told about the wedding. The cats are an issue, but nothing that ought to stop two people moving in together. Perhaps they're rushing if it were a first marriage, but really, they're both experienced and know what they're doing.

Lily is who you should be focusing on. She's the one who's going to be disrupted the most by all of this. If I were making suggestions, I'd say wait for her to finish college.

Also, just guessing here, but either you're Sophie or she's the one from this family that you know

[Kenocide]

(Original post by Mess.)
The 'children' sound pretty close (or already at) adult age. They should act thus.

So they should act like adults but be treated like pre-teen children having to share rooms and being kept completely out of the loop re the structure of their family?