[to_ni]

Hey guys,

I have a really difficult problem.
I finally decided that I want to go to London (UCL) to do my PhD because I really like the topic. It´s perfect for me. The thing is I should start in August and my fiancé (we are a couple for 7 yrs now and want to marry) still needs to finish her studies at the University in my home tome and she has really good career prospects in Germany because she already has her own little company there.

I am totally torn because it would harm her career if she is moving to London with me because in Germany she would get a huge industrial startup scholarship and in the UK she has to start at point zero.

What should I do?
I could do a partially funded Mphil in Cam to highlight my CV and search for PhD´s in Germany afterwards, but am afraid that I will waste a year.

Any advise... I feel horrible about the whole situation

[nulli tertius]

(Original post by to_ni)
Hey guys,

I have a really difficult problem.
I finally decided that I want to go to London (UCL) to do my PhD because I really like the topic. It´s perfect for me. The thing is I should start in August and my fiancé (we are a couple for 7 yrs now and want to marry) still needs to finish her studies at the University in my home tome and she has really good career prospects in Germany because she already has her own little company there.

I am totally torn because it would harm her career if she is moving to London with me because in Germany she would get a huge industrial startup scholarship and in the UK she has to start at point zero.

What should I do?
I could do a partially funded Mphil in Cam to highlight my CV and search for PhD´s in Germany afterwards, but am afraid that I will waste a year.

Any advise... I feel horrible about the whole situation

http://www.timeshighereducation.co.u...orycode=419510

[to_ni]

(Original post by nulli tertius)
http://www.timeshighereducation.co.u...orycode=419510

that´s horrible.

I really don´t know what to do? She says she will move with me whatever comes but it´s so egoistic.
Is it worth to spend another year of studying for course examinations during a very time demanding Mphil? I could finish my PhD in 3-4 yrs and I am afraid that I won´t find such a good project if I decline it. On the other hand I really don´t want to loose her due to being a ´commuting couple´
However, her chances are significantly better in Germany because in her field there a lots of experts there. She doesn´t want to pursue a PhD but she has really promising prospect with her company.

Is there anyone who has been in the same situation? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
ANY ADVISE?

[Venom123]

Forget her.

[to_ni]

You can´t be serious right ... Dumping my best friend is definitely no option

[bhurruts]

If you have been together for 7 years already and are planning on getting married, then I think you are both strong enough to handle the situation. If you are both committed to each other then you should do what is best for both of you individually, and then when you have both finished your studies reunite. That way, neither one of you feels guilty for the other! ;-) hope that makes sense :-s

[to_ni]

Thanks for your answer. The thing is I´ve heard so many bad things about commuting couples! I am afraid that I will loose her because we are going to live different lives. I mean, having different friends, living in different countries and homes sounds quite risky to me.

Is there anyone who has experience with communing? Is commuting for 3-4 yrs an intelligible option to consider?

[alleycat393]

To echo what 'bhurruts' said, if you've been together 7 years then surely a few years apart won't hurt. I've been with my partner 5 years now, all of which has been long distance. True we've had some massive downs but we've made it so far. If your relationship can't stand it then maybe that says something about the relationship. Besides, Germany to the UK isn't a long distance at all. One or the other can make a short trip at least once a month. My partner is in India and I'm in the UK, just to put things in perspective.

Alternatively, come to a compromise. If she is willing to put her career on hold for a bit or vice versa then you can come to a solution. You may not both be in ideal situations professionally in the short term but at least you'll be together.

[flown_muse]

Me and my fiance were apart for about 9 months while I did a job in another country. I am thinking of doing a semester abroad at uni as well.

You can both separate while you finish degrees.

[to_ni]

don´t you think that living different lives for 3-4 yrs, including different friends and homes, will only tear us apart? I mean we are so used together and she is my best friend, no question!!!
I am not sure if I can live separated for such a long time.

[bhurruts]

Well I think you already know your answer lol, if you feel that you both aren't strong enough to handle some time apart, then one of you will have to make a sacrifice and delay your study. I think you should just have a long talk about it and see where you both stand. Again, it's not completely impossible to make it work if you both decide to continue with your work in different countries. In my opinion, if it were me... I would want both myself and my partner to study at the same time and as a result finish at the same time, so we are both in the same situation. Then we would both be able to continue on with our lives.

[to_ni]

We already talked a lot about it. She thinks it´s possible, I think it´s risky.

However, that´s a wise advise! Thanks a lot

[bhurruts]

no problem ;-) good luck with it all, hope it all turns out for you both

[Billton]

(Original post by to_ni)
Is commuting for 3-4 yrs an intelligible option to consider?

It's very hard! My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 and a half years, and won't be finished until at least Julyish 2014. It's crappy, we see each other for 2-3 days every 4-5 weeks, and sometimes it's very lonely. But keeping yourself busy and making the most out of spending time together makes up for it! When we're together it's more like a special treat, so we usually do something nice like have a day out somewhere or go for a posh meal

If it's worth it (and it seems like it is after 7 years and talking about marriage) then give it your best shot, but it will be difficult being apart so much and having busy schedules.
Good Luck

[to_ni]

Thanks for your positive words
For me it´s hard to only think about being separated for such a long time. I love her and I am going to marry hear ... that´s what I am really sure about, however, I am scared as hell to loose her due to doing my PhD studies.

Thanks for the kind wishes. Good luck to both of you too

Regards toni