[Anonymous]

It's been a year since I finished sixth form but not a day goes by where I still do not remember one of many bad memories I had during my time at school.
I was constantly bullied verbally, and after eight years of it, this constant noise, it's stuck. I feel tormented daily. Sad, depressed even. Then I look up and see that those days have passed, and can at least concentrate my thoughts on what's up today.

I was constantly abused, had a horrible nickname that stuck and remained rejected fro all social circles. Never once for any amount of fun or after a great conversation with someone one-on-one, did they consider talking to me when they were around big groups.
Yes I said some silly things, but they were always extrapolated five times over. Always made worse after the one guy has the intel and decides to make it juicy. And I can't help but feel the individuals that I shared my school year with, were emotional leaches.

When I started hitting on a girl, and she showed signs, everyone mocked - and a week later after having been invited, I was uninvited. The girls ganged up sometimes.
The worst was the abuse they joked about regarding my sister. I occasionally have this moment where I can't look at her after all the awful things some said. It lasted three weeks, until I flipped infront of the teachers.

That smile I've created to hide the anger and the sadness, blow up.

Sure I had some friends, but the relationships changed often, and tending on the mood, I was either ok to be their friends or not.

Sure I fought back, called my parents in, but only some of the many apologised. Some teachers helped. But there is only so far you can go to tackle the issue this way. The fact of the matter is, they could only ever be told to stop when it was at peak noise. When it was becoming unbearable. I tried everything I read on the web, parents advice, analysed some other students who left alone to on devises but still communicated to nicely, to try and turn it around. Never did.

I got good grades from this school and for that I am some-what grateful. My biggest regret is never having moved, left, after the first year when I knew there were mostly horrible people around. The next nearest school would have been too far, plus some of the bullies had friends there. When the influx of new students arrived at our school, and I tried to make friends who knew little about how bullied I was, the others would swiftly encompass them into their group, and the incumbent students became as neglective of myself as the others. Every day I said, okay maybe tomorrow it'll be ok. Ok, maybe next term will be ok. Ok, maybe next year will be the year. It never was.

It is not so much the verbal abuse sometimes as the emotional neglecting. It felt awful to never be included. Maybe down to my parent's ethnicity. It was so obvious from my surname, even if I looked British. But I never once want to blame it one that. But discrimination is still at large. Especially at a private school. Do I have the right to call them snobs? I was from a much less privileged background but neither was I living on breadcrumbs.

I guess that what hurts the most. Not knowing why they were so nasty. Why I was picked on. Why I was neglected. Why me? Jealousy? Of what?

I just didn't know what to do, so I just did what I had previously done. Continued my irrational optimism for the future. I've got out and made very gracious, nice, friends at university - had a blast, and can be considered somewhat popular. I'm outgoing now, or at least I try to be. But I never once take it for granted in my mind. I glow in the newfound popularity at moments sure, but in my mind there is this Constant insatisfaction, anger that I have not, and still cannot surpress.

The abuse I suffered at the school may not be the worst case you've heard, and I know from reading other online articles. I feel so sorry for victims. I know what it feels like. But the worst is the emotional neglecting. You just cannot, and will not ever move on from it. An emotional scar on your heart for always.

I had bought my tuxedo for the prom hoping I would have a good time, after the mood had somewhat softened in the last two months. Then...
At school held party for our specific class later that month someone stood up and made a comment, everyone started again. Laughing, mocking. I stood up, shook my head in disbelief. I just thought wow. Even after all this, the very last month of school, of sixth-form, when we are all saying farewell, you cannot leave me alone. I got up from the party in my suit, left through the door, walking heavily, having these awful thoughts, then anger, then overwhelming sadness stuck me. I started crying walking home. The first time I had cried in five years, not such a loved family member had passed away. But I cried harder than then.
The walls, I felt, had come officially tumbling down. Fortunately nobody could see except my brother and mother when I got home. My mom didn't understand what had happened. I had been so happy when I left, marking the end of a rough period in my life - to move on. I was off-guard maybe. I had a genuine smile on my face. But this time the emotional leaches bite down to my very core for the first time. I could not believe it. I still to his day wish it were a nightmare. But it was not. I missed the prom, missed the graduation party, and left the country for a week on my own to escape the misery. I fear I would have flipped.
I would like to say I lied to those who asked where I was, but nobody except one asked, and that was on the street.

It's taken a year for me to get myself together. I'm still a wreck. I'm still having bouts of depressive moments. When I phase out from this world. Tormented and scarred. I have to take together all that I have and find my source for escaping my sadness, claw away from the darkness. I have to look up at my lovely family, which I just am just so very lucky to have - for all my parents' faults and their moments, in the bad times they stood up for me. I have to appreciate I got into a top 15 university, and that I have a passion for a subject, and am pursuing it. Sometimes this is not enough, even when I look around and see my friends wanting to go out together, (with me!), my mind is elsewhere. I'm like a recorder that's jammed on a certain time frame. I'm screaming on the inside to move on, from this episode. Maybe when I find the love of my life? I had a great girlfriend, and that didn't help much.
So I've settled here: there's this insatisfiable aspect I have in my mind that I will never be able to overcome. An unhealable wound - it sure feels that way. But I will just have to learn to appreciate the privilege of life - somehow.

I will, for sure, dedicate a big part of life to tackling and helping those who had it tougher than me, and were born in the UK with the biggest disadvantage, being a child without caring parents.

[shuttermagic]

Hi, I know your post doesn't particularly ask for a reply but I just want to say I know some of what it can feel like to have had a tough
time with school, bullying is a horrible thing to experience and can really make you question yourself.

Quite often there is no clear cut reason as to why it happened to you, the chances are you didn't do anything wrong, so don't blame yourself. But you, like many others do deserve better than that, and I'm glad to hear you did go on to make a really good group of friends at uni.

I think one of the only good things that can come out of being bullied is the awareness of how it can impact a person and a desire to support others.

I hope you can move on from it and continue to enjoy the friends you have,

xx


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[TomInce6666]

remind me not to attend any movie premieres with you around k.

and the labour party political youth camp might want to tighten security this year...

just sayin. bullying is something you accept, deal with and move on. stop internalising it and having it consume you to the extent that it affects your behaviour. If you cant do this, then lrn2 doctor. Citalopram is a wonderful thing.

[sanaindaclub]

(Original post by TomInce6666)
remind me not to attend any movie premieres with you around k.

and the labour party political youth camp might want to tighten security this year...

just sayin. bullying is something you accept, deal with and move on. stop internalising it and having it consume you to the extent that it affects your behaviour. If you cant do this, then lrn2 doctor. Citalopram is a wonderful thing.

Obv never been bullied. Its not something you can just get over. Some can, good for them. Others, have had it worse. Some people cant get over it and move on with their life as bullying IS their life. School, home and internet.

OP, not sure what to say
I hope things work out

[TomInce6666]

(Original post by sanaindaclub)
Obv never been bullied. Its not something you can just get over. Some can, good for them. Others, have had it worse. Some people cant get over it and move on with their life as bullying IS their life. School, home and internet.

OP, not sure what to say
I hope things work out

You clearly know me so well

[Anonymous]

(Original post by shuttermagic)
Hi, I know your post doesn't particularly ask for a reply but I just want to say I know some of what it can feel like to have had a tough
time with school, bullying is a horrible thing to experience and can really make you question yourself.

Quite often there is no clear cut reason as to why it happened to you, the chances are you didn't do anything wrong, so don't blame yourself. But you, like many others do deserve better than that, and I'm glad to hear you did go on to make a really good group of friends at uni.

I think one of the only good things that can come out of being bullied is the awareness of how it can impact a person and a desire to support others.

I hope you can move on from it and continue to enjoy the friends you have,

xx


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Hi,

Thanks for replying. I just need someone to open out to. It's unfortunate that only those who also had a tough time understand one another. On the outside there may be sympathy - but also with the query of why are you not able to move on.
You just can't. It leaves a hole in your heart and constant "awareness" as you mentioned. Some become overthinkers, others more observant, and others pain themselves into finding peace.
Looking back on my first year I'm happy for the stability I now have - but I need to learn to enjoy more on the inside.


The person above ^ the movie theatre statement is quite a cold one - even if made in jest.