[Anonymous]

Hey,

First of all - sorry for using the "b" word. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but whenever someone makes fun of me, even for the slightest, inconsequential thing - I just don't like it. It doesn't make me warm to the other person at all and I just end up faking it and pretending like I find it funny so the other person doesn't feel put-out. It's led to me avoiding alot of chances to socialize because I just cannot be bothered to be fake all day/night.

I'm a little introverted and I absolutely hate being the center of attention in a group. But this is another problem because the person being made fun of IS the center of attention. I've just become a recluse as a result because I dislike this 1 thing that everyone else seems to love - banter.

I do have a sense of humor. I like it when it's subtle and sarcastic and I don't even mind a little banter as long as it's in small doses or not too direct and personal. But when I'm part of a group that just lays into each other all the time I just don't want to be part of it.

What can I do?

[Chiseph]

I'm sort of the same as you- I feel really embarrassed and 'shut down' when others do the whole banter thing, especially if I don't know them really that well. I found out that I was fine with people who I was used to, and so now I'm trying to become more open so that I don't feel intimidated by others - like, you know when you're in a group with a few people that you don't know, and they make you feel uncomfortable, even if they're not doing anything wrong? I try to stop myself from feeling shut out or intimidated (because that makes meeting new people harder) by doing two things:
1) this is the most effective method, for me. If they're a friend of someone you know, especially someone that you get along with or know well, remind yourself of their link together. In you thread, tell yourself things like 'they know each other for this long... this person does this a bit like the one that I'm friends with.... knowing the type of people that my friend gets along with, thus one wouldn't men badly by what's been done...' I find this the most effective in helping me to smile and just brush all any of that banter
2) this isn't as effective as the first. Draw links between the person you met and others you can deal with - 'he said that, which is probably what my friend X would have done... he's just as funny as my friend Y...' and this helps gauge your replied to whatever that has been said and also makes you more open.

these Are just my tips, and aren't the solution - they're just there to help you become more relaxed and confident in your surroundings.

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my Galaxy Nexus

[amime]

OP sucks.

[odkfn]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hey,

First of all - sorry for using the "b" word. I don't know if anyone else has this problem, but whenever someone makes fun of me, even for the slightest, inconsequential thing - I just don't like it. It doesn't make me warm to the other person at all and I just end up faking it and pretending like I find it funny so the other person doesn't feel put-out. It's led to me avoiding alot of chances to socialize because I just cannot be bothered to be fake all day/night.

I'm a little introverted and I absolutely hate being the center of attention in a group. But this is another problem because the person being made fun of IS the center of attention. I've just become a recluse as a result because I dislike this 1 thing that everyone else seems to love - banter.

I do have a sense of humor. I like it when it's subtle and sarcastic and I don't even mind a little banter as long as it's in small doses or not too direct and personal. But when I'm part of a group that just lays into each other all the time I just don't want to be part of it.

What can I do?

Find a new group.

[odkfn]

Although, a little life advice - you should learn to roll with the punches. Future bosses/girlfriends/clients may enjoy a bit of banter and if you automatically cringe at it or take yourself too seriously you'll get nowhere. Why do you take it so badly? Lighten up. All you (or any of us) are is a sack of flesh, blood and bones, beyond that who cares what anyone says about you. And from being part of a group where banter is rife the best way to get the attention off of you is to genuinely not care! I.e. if a friend calls someone in our group baldy/fatty/**** etc etc if you get defensive you become the target for hundreds more of that comment, if you play along or shrug it off they stop, it's not intentional - it's human nature!

[BexiG]

I personally love banter but only do it with people I know well and who I know don't mind (give as much as they get lol)... I don't believe banter with people you're only just getting to know is appropriate as it can be taken the wrong way.

Typical convo with a new friend:

Me: hey how you doing?
Them: I'm good thanks you?

Typical convo with my best friend of over 10yrs:

Me: Wassup man whore
Them: hey broke b***h

It's all love lool


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[ildaf123]

It sounds like you take yourself too seriously.

My friendship group is based of being rude to each other, and I know this will sound strange but when my friends are mean to me it feels kind of nice as it makes me feel like they are comfortable enough with me to say what they like and dispite my flaws they like me anyway because they have turned something perhaps negative about me into something to laugh about.

[Wilfred Little]

(Original post by odkfn)
Although, a little life advice - you should learn to roll with the punches. Future bosses/girlfriends/clients may enjoy a bit of banter and if you automatically cringe at it or take yourself too seriously you'll get nowhere. Why do you take it so badly? Lighten up. All you (or any of us) are is a sack of flesh, blood and bones, beyond that who cares what anyone says about you. And from being part of a group where banter is rife the best way to get the attention off of you is to genuinely not care! I.e. if a friend calls someone in our group baldy/fatty/**** etc etc if you get defensive you become the target for hundreds more of that comment, if you play along or shrug it off they stop, it's not intentional - it's human nature!

This is a step too far, friends yeah, bosses no. Not unless you're friendly with them. I can take some pretty harsh things but some people can't and that's perfectly fine and they should not be judged.

And if a friend overstepped the mark I would tell them about it. This whole "banter" thing (we're mates lets be total c**** to each other) is ridiculous, where did it even start? I shouldn't have to tolerate something just to please other people and neither should the OP, surely

That's the risk you take with it though, if you tease someone you barely know, they could get offended. That's your fault not theirs.

[Studentus-anonymous]

(Original post by Anonymous)
What can I do?

Desensitise a bit.

Sorry mate, while banter isn't something to be proud of, you're going to go through life having to deal with people and events that don't always go your way.

I loath to say this but perhaps you need to 'man up' a bit?

[Classical Liberal]

Sometimes banter is just used an excuse for being ****ing rude or bullying.

I am very into put downs and bullying banter, if I think other people are using banter as a way of being rude or bullying people. Give the ****ers a piece of their own medicine.

[Ice Constricter]

It's obvious, some people are able to take banter better than others.

In my opinion banter should just be left to close friends or just people you know well enough and who'll understand that you're not serious or trying to hurt their feelings.

But if new friends or acquaintances engage in banter I'll find it unacceptable myself. I mean....if you don't know the kind of person they are and the things they say it'll be generally hard to decipher whether its just banter or if they're just a ****. And no offence to that person, but I would personally like to get to know them better before we have that kind of relationship.

Don't get me wrong, in my friendship group we sometimes engage in probably the most demeaning of banter, like insulting each others ethnicities, races, bodies etc. But that's only because we all know each other so well and the banter didn't begin until we did.

But unfortunately as we don't live in fairly land people aren't always going to behave to our specific ideals (as evidenced in this thread in which people are telling the OP to man up). Since different people have different beliefs, and in this life you're going to come across hundreds if not thousands of individuals who'll have differing views regarding banter, and if you got butthurt over each and every individual incident life will be a struggle for you.

[odkfn]

(Original post by Wilfred Little)
This is a step too far, friends yeah, bosses no. Not unless you're friendly with them. I can take some pretty harsh things but some people can't and that's perfectly fine and they should not be judged.

And if a friend overstepped the mark I would tell them about it. This whole "banter" thing (we're mates lets be total c**** to each other) is ridiculous, where did it even start? I shouldn't have to tolerate something just to please other people and neither should the OP, surely

That's the risk you take with it though, if you tease someone you barely know, they could get offended. That's your fault not theirs.

I dont mean a future boss as in at a job interview he might say "alright, fatty?" etc, but once you've got the job and known him a bit (or her) and you're sort of friends but they're still your boss, if they say something that is in a jesting way and you turn sour then it's human nature to not be as favourable towards someone who you don't get on with. And as you said, it is the way it is, no-one knows when it started, but it's there. You could say "well I don't want to pay tax, so if other people want to they can, but I shouldn't HAVE to" but it's just one of those things where most people do something so, yes, you can opt out of partaking in banter, which you have every right to, but in the long run it'll probably hinder you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging anyone and I don't hand out insults under the guise of banter, and all I'm saying is that - from my experience - the people who can't take it are the ones who normally get victimised the most. Words are just words (especially when said with no mal-intent).

[Lucia.]

Care less about what people think.
It's easier said than done but to begin with all you have to do is to tell yourself that their opinion has no bearing on how you feel. Then, tease them back because that's what banter is about.

But one thing,

if they say something really out of hand, don't stand for it. No one can tell you how you should feel. If you get upset and someone says "Well it was only a joke", they're skirting away from accepting that they upset you.

[Michaelj]

I'm afraid everyone in this thread is right, you need to accept banter otherwise you'll struggle... I used to be just like this and what happened? It pissed off people and made things harder and harder to the stage I was a bit of a recluse.

[Skeppy]

The op is a real person not fake and i gotta respect tht.. i only take it fron friends ive knwn since a young age anyone else will be buried

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my HTC Wildfire S A510e