[#JayJay]

simple question really. I love going clubbing and to different bars when i'm at university with my mates. but the thing is that i'm gay and while it's much easier for me to flirt and hit on girls, I don't really want to do it because I feel like i'm a prick and leading them on

plus I wanna get with guys anyway. so how does one hit on a guy without knowing that he's gay?

I wouldn't really want to go to gay bars because they're not my scene and I tend to dislike flamboyant guys

[theepw]

I used to be in your situation mate, so you are not alone in that respect.
The truth is you can't ever know unless you find out or they tell you. Back when I was at Uni, I had a good 'gut instinct' about who I thought might be gay, which did serve me well, but that doesn't really help you in a club because you don't know for sure. Even if that is the case, you don't know whether they are 'out' or would even be happy flirting or hitting it on in a straight club.

Have you ever been to a gay bar before? Not every bloke in a gay bar is going to be flamboyant. I've been a few times; not loads by any means, (I prefer pubs and bars personally for nights out) BUT.. I've always had a pretty chilled fun night in gay bars. They are certainly not my scene I agree, but they are not as bad as you think they are. Perhaps give it a chance?

Perhaps if you join some online dating sites, you can find and perhaps get to know some gay people in your area to go out for a night on the town?

Flirting with girls is something that I used to do when I was still unsure of who I was, almost wanting to prove something myself. But it doesn't really achieve anything, it can make you feel awkward and it can be unfair and cruel on a girl if she starts to fall for you. That's one thing I regret.

Either way, good luck with it all mate.

[tooosh]

I'm not gay so I'm just theorising here, but just talking numbers you're not likely to find gay guys in normal clubs. Some will be obviously gay but there are loads who won't look any different from straight guys. Give gay bars a shot.

[#JayJay]

(Original post by theepw)
I used to be in your situation mate, so you are not alone in that respect.
The truth is you can't ever know unless you find out or they tell you. Back when I was at Uni, I had a good 'gut instinct' about who I thought might be gay, which did serve me well, but that doesn't really help you in a club because you don't know for sure. Even if that is the case, you don't know whether they are 'out' or would even be happy flirting or hitting it on in a straight club.

Have you ever been to a gay bar before? Not every bloke in a gay bar is going to be flamboyant. I've been a few times; not loads by any means, (I prefer pubs and bars personally for nights out) BUT.. I've always had a pretty chilled fun night in gay bars. They are certainly not my scene I agree, but they are not as bad as you think they are. Perhaps give it a chance?

Perhaps if you join some online dating sites, you can find and perhaps get to know some gay people in your area to go out for a night on the town?

Flirting with girls is something that I used to do when I was still unsure of who I was, almost wanting to prove something myself. But it doesn't really achieve anything, it can make you feel awkward and it can be unfair and cruel on a girl if she starts to fall for you. That's one thing I regret.

Either way, good luck with it all mate.

ah right. see I would love to have a gut instinct and stuff but it seems like my one sucks.

I prefer pubs and bars for nights out as well but i'll try anything once. and i'm not sure about dating sites. when I first heard about them, I thought it was similar to hookup sites and about shallow sex but i'm sure the image of dating sites have changed? have you used online dating sites?

thanks mate

[theepw]

It seems like a lot of your uncertainty is based around what you 'think' or 'feel' might be the case.
Give a gay bar a try if you have never been; not all of them are as bad as you think. It's not my cup of tea but most of the time you can have a chilled fun night. I wouldn't recommend going alone (been there, big mistake), but perhaps ask some of your mates if they are up for it? Do your mates know about you?

I used to be on a couple of dating sites (thanks to Google) and some are hit and miss.. But, like me, you might get lucky and find that special person.

Give it a go dude, what have you got to lose?

[#JayJay]

(Original post by theepw)
It seems like a lot of your uncertainty is based around what you 'think' or 'feel' might be the case.
Give a gay bar a try if you have never been; not all of them are as bad as you think. It's not my cup of tea but most of the time you can have a chilled fun night. I wouldn't recommend going alone (been there, big mistake), but perhaps ask some of your mates if they are up for it? Do your mates know about you?

I used to be on a couple of dating sites (thanks to Google) and some are hit and miss.. But, like me, you might get lucky and find that special person.

Give it a go dude, what have you got to lose?

I would say you're right. I mean there are probably some really good gay bars out there and I would have a great time. it's just the thoughts that come to my mind, like the bar being really shallow and effeminate

if my mates were up for it then I would definitely go. i'm thinking of joining the LGBT society as well (even though i'm really scared haha) and I know they have frequent socials to gay bars

i've told a few of my close mates...but apart from that I haven't. i've made out with a few guys at clubs so I don't really care about if other people know. i'm not the type of guy to tell everyone but I wouldn't care if they found out

hopefully...I just never have luck with relationships so i've given up on them. maybe they're not for me.

haha, will definitely give it a shot. you're right, I have nothing to lose

[theepw]

I had the same fears as you when I was first at Uni about gay bars. Of course there are some effeminate guys there, but not all of them mate. It's those preconceptions that put me off from really enjoying myself during my 1st year at Uni and if I had my time again, I would have just gone for it. Being at Uni is all about trying new things anyway.

I was scared of the LGBT at my old Uni. It wasn't for me at all, I went once with a mate and everyone there just wasn't on my wavelength. Their whole life was 'gay' and nothing else; something that I'm completely against.. BUT don't let my experience put you off. Give it a go, check it out and see how it goes, you don't have to go again.
Just remember, that the LGBT isn't all there is about gay life at Uni. I still went out with some mates to gay bars when I was at Uni and had a great time, without having to be involved in the Uni LGBT.

I'm the same as you in that respect then mate, if you don't mind about people finding out then go for it. Perhaps just ask those few close mates if they are up for going to a gay bar? Most straight mates I have are cool with it.

You're still young dude, you'll find someone. Join a profile site and see how you get on as well. Give things a try mate, don't stay in your shell (especially if you want things to change!)

[#JayJay]

(Original post by theepw)
I had the same fears as you when I was first at Uni about gay bars. Of course there are some effeminate guys there, but not all of them mate. It's those preconceptions that put me off from really enjoying myself during my 1st year at Uni and if I had my time again, I would have just gone for it. Being at Uni is all about trying new things anyway.

I was scared of the LGBT at my old Uni. It wasn't for me at all, I went once with a mate and everyone there just wasn't on my wavelength. Their whole life was 'gay' and nothing else; something that I'm completely against.. BUT don't let my experience put you off. Give it a go, check it out and see how it goes, you don't have to go again.
Just remember, that the LGBT isn't all there is about gay life at Uni. I still went out with some mates to gay bars when I was at Uni and had a great time, without having to be involved in the Uni LGBT.

I'm the same as you in that respect then mate, if you don't mind about people finding out then go for it. Perhaps just ask those few close mates if they are up for going to a gay bar? Most straight mates I have are cool with it.

You're still young dude, you'll find someone. Join a profile site and see how you get on as well. Give things a try mate, don't stay in your shell (especially if you want things to change!)

I just finished first year, and if there's anything I could change that would be to join up with the LGBT society and to be more out. the good thing is that I have a friend who's on the committee for the society so it wouldn't be totally awkward.

i'm the same as in I don't really let my sexuality define who I am, but I see so many people that do it and it's offputting haha :|

I only have like...three close friends who aren't straight. one bisexual girl and two bisexual guys. I don't know any gay guys. but my friends seem up to go to a gay bar. we were supposed to go after our exams but it got lost since there was so many other thigns going on and we didn't have much money

haha yeah i'm still young but I suck with things like this. I really do want to change but I don't know if it'd make much of a difference

[theepw]

(Original post by #JayJay)
I just finished first year, and if there's anything I could change that would be to join up with the LGBT society and to be more out. the good thing is that I have a friend who's on the committee for the society so it wouldn't be totally awkward.

i'm the same as in I don't really let my sexuality define who I am, but I see so many people that do it and it's offputting haha :|

I only have like...three close friends who aren't straight. one bisexual girl and two bisexual guys. I don't know any gay guys. but my friends seem up to go to a gay bar. we were supposed to go after our exams but it got lost since there was so many other thigns going on and we didn't have much money

haha yeah i'm still young but I suck with things like this. I really do want to change but I don't know if it'd make much of a difference

Well in that case mate, just make sure you stay the way you are! Don't let it change you just because others are like that. Shouldn't put you off from being more 'out'.

If you don't change what you are doing then nothing well change that's for certain.
Sometimes in life we have to push ourselves outside of our natural comfort zone.
Go for it and see how it goes, you're at Uni, it's all about trying new things.
All the best with it mate.

[suffocation1992]

(Original post by #JayJay)
simple question really. I love going clubbing and to different bars when i'm at university with my mates. but the thing is that i'm gay and while it's much easier for me to flirt and hit on girls, I don't really want to do it because I feel like i'm a prick and leading them on

plus I wanna get with guys anyway. so how does one hit on a guy without knowing that he's gay?

I wouldn't really want to go to gay bars because they're not my scene and I tend to dislike flamboyant guys

Hey! My ex and I met at a non-gay bar! I was basically with my friends, he came over to me, the cutest guy I've ever dated, grabbed my arm, asked if I was gay and asked if I wanted to dance. That was one hot night Then after that we dated and stayed together for a while (until he had to move home! )

I think you need to (1) pick a venue that is quite liberal and not some entirely hetero place - for example an indie bar or club might be alright, that's where we met. (2) Just go and chat to someone you like, ask them up front if they are gay and get it on!!!

I must stress again, this might not be a good idea if you go to extremely hetero venues that are just full of horny straight men and slutty girls - it just won't work really. Try indie bars/clubs!!

I am like you, I just hate going on the gay scene and when I have in the past I usually feel miserable because it's full of ditzy queens that only care about lady gaga and makeup. All my boyfriends in the past I have found in the least likely places actually, but yeh, my last one I found in an indie bar where the guys tend to be more chilled and toned down- I hope you find someone too!

Do try not to be too harsh about all gay guys - camp guys may not be for you, but they can be nice people and you should respect everyone for who they are in life. They're not for you, but don't try to act as though you're above them as you and the above poster seem to be doing!

P.S there's always me, I am single now

[#JayJay]

(Original post by suffocation1992)
Hey! My ex and I met at a non-gay bar! I was basically with my friends, he came over to me, the cutest guy I've ever dated, grabbed my arm, asked if I was gay and asked if I wanted to dance. That was one hot night Then after that we dated and stayed together for a while (until he had to move home! )

I think you need to (1) pick a venue that is quite liberal and not some entirely hetero place - for example an indie bar or club might be alright, that's where we met. (2) Just go and chat to someone you like, ask them up front if they are gay and get it on!!!

I must stress again, this might not be a good idea if you go to extremely hetero venues that are just full of horny straight men and slutty girls - it just won't work really. Try indie bars/clubs!!

I am like you, I just hate going on the gay scene and when I have in the past I usually feel miserable because it's full of ditzy queens that only care about lady gaga and makeup. All my boyfriends in the past I have found in the least likely places actually, but yeh, my last one I found in an indie bar where the guys tend to be more chilled and toned down- I hope you find someone too!

Do try not to be too harsh about all gay guys - camp guys may not be for you, but they can be nice people and you should respect everyone for who they are in life. They're not for you, but don't try to act as though you're above them as you and the above poster seem to be doing!

P.S there's always me, I am single now

ahh man i'm so jealous. that's an awesome story of how you and your ex met. he's a brave guy like that to woo you and sweep you off your feet like that. I wish that happened to me

go to indie bars/clubs? will do. I go there sometimes but i'd say I tend to go out to mainstream nights the most since they are popular and I don't mind the music. but I think with the people i'm living with next year, we're going to be an indie household so i'll be fine with that.

and nah, I understand camp people. I don't hate them or i'm not trying to look above them. sorry if I sounded that way.

i'm guessing your gaydar is on point?

i'll keep that last point in mind if I get really really desperate

[#JayJay]

btw, I did just talk to some of my uni mates and they seem indifferent about going

[j0hn]

As a member of the gay community yourself, you should know that having a dislike of anyone because of who they are is fundamentally wrong, especially when your insinuating you'd actually leave a club because of it. If you don't find effeminate guys attractive and thats what your saying then that's fine, but there's no room for predjudice. You'd probably have a better chance of finding someone if you let go of your own negative attitude towards segments of the gay community, which I suspect comes from something deeper. Are you yourself effeminate?

[suffocation1992]

(Original post by j0hn)
As a member of the gay community yourself, you should know that having a dislike of anyone because of who they are is fundamentally wrong, especially when your insinuating you'd actually leave a club because of it. If you don't find effeminate guys attractive and thats what your saying then that's fine, but there's no room for predjudice. You'd probably have a better chance of finding someone if you let go of your own negative attitude towards segments of the gay community, which I suspect comes from something deeper. Are you yourself effeminate?

I agree with this! I don't like the gay scene, but that's more because I feel self-conscious on it and I'm quite shy, but I wouldn't go on and on about hating it because it's full of 'camp mincers ewww' - everyone is equal and the above posts are borderline xenophobic. Muscle marys and butch gay guys are not superior to more feminine gay guys. I think it's fine if a guy is camp, as long as he's not being nasty and bitchy and making people feel bad! What counts most in my opinion is whether he has a heart, not whether he is a 'bro' or how many reps he can do down the gym.

[#JayJay]

(Original post by j0hn)
Are you yourself effeminate?

nope, i'm not. I don't see why being effeminate would make a difference

[05sykesd]

There's probably an app for that


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[#JayJay]

(Original post by 05sykesd)
There's probably an app for that

This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

haha, grindr?

[05sykesd]

(Original post by #JayJay)
haha, grindr?

From a quick search of the app I can confirm this is one of them haha (I am not sure if this is the same one and I don't know it's name but there is one which tells you how many meters you are away from the nearest gay or bisexual person who also as the app)


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App