[Anonymous]

Hi. Basically I have many issues with my mum and currently they are all coming to a head which is causing a lot of conflict, any advice on this would be appreciated.

I should probably explain a bit of back story first. I'm 18 and just about to go to university and my mum is 63 and hasn't had a job for as long as I can remember. She lives off maintenance from my dad of approx £3200 per month and she gets this as long as I am in full time education. The problem is that this money ends in three years when I finish university. Knowing this deadline where our income will stop, my mum still continues to do nothing. She lives life with the attitude that god will show her the way and the solution will be shown and I don't need to worry. As you can imagine, I find this hard to accept. Especially since we have a huge mortgage that we won't be able to pay without the maintenance and she has no real pension because she hasn't had a job.

She doesn't have any friends and she's lived a very reclusive life for as long as I can remember. She barely has any contact with the outside world apart from when she goes shopping. When ever I encourage her to do more and get on with her life and go and live and do what she wants she always says she's looking after me and her job is as a parent but I'm now 18 years old and nearly completely independent. She always try's to convince me she's doing loads of things and that she has a full time job as a mom but both her children (including me) are now adults that don't need a full time mom. We would both be much happier if she got on with her life and stop acting like she's propping us up. She says she's always cleaning but the house is a permanent mess and It feels like she does what every other working mum does but just without the job. She constantly complains of being tired and when ever we mention getting a job or getting on with her life she gets defensive and angry. She had cancer 10 years ago and she often uses this as a crutch even though she fully recovered a very long time ago. She used to be a psychotherapist (with minimal success) a very long time ago and she wants to be self employed to support herself and talks about getting it going once she doesn't have to look after me and my sister even though we don't need looking after and she does nothing but the occasional lift (maybe once or twice a week). Even though she talks about becoming self employed again, there is no sign of any plan or any work to make this a reality and she's been saying the same thing for 5 years or more. I'm worried about her being bankrupt in 3 years when she is no longer given £3200 per month from my dad and It feels like nothing will move forward. When ever I try encourage her or talk to her about living her own life she gets very angry and tells me to stop putting her down. Am I being too harsh on her?

She is constantly making crazy decisions that are supposed to move things forward. E.g. she recently said she needs a meditation space to get her work going and says she wants to buy a £10k garden pod because it will be a sound proof place she can work. She believes this will be the secret to her starting to work even though we already have a four bedroom house with more than enough space and a conservatory. I find her to be extremely irrational and this drives me crazy. Perhaps it's because she's religious and lives by faith and I live by a completely different philosophy.

What do I do? Do I just leave her to get on with it? She takes offence to any constructive criticism and we now argue nearly every day about the future.

[A Cat]

If you're going to be independent, you can stop referring to your father's maintenance as 'ours'. Do you find she is completely unwilling to see the reality of situations, that she is adamant she is always right? Stubborness is quite an annoying trait, especially when truth is concerned.

I think yeah, you should leave her to get on with it. You're independent, she's independent, hopefully you'll help each other if times go bad.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Samrout)
If you're going to be independent, you can stop referring to your father's maintenance as 'ours'. Do you find she is completely unwilling to see the reality of situations, that she is adamant she is always right? Stubborness is quite an annoying trait, especially when truth is concerned.

I think yeah, you should leave her to get on with it. You're independent, she's independent, hopefully you'll help each other if times go bad.

Well of course I'm still going to be financially dependent until I can get a full time job but this financial dependence is on my dad, not her. I guess I still have a long way to go to gain true independence but in terms of mothering I feel her obligation has ended.

Yeah I do find her to be very stubborn and she can never formulate a rational response that makes logical sense that can refute my arguments. I guess I should just let her find her own way, I will only aggravate her further by protesting.