[safety_pin]

hoping for some advice please and apologies in advance for writing so much (i'm a rambler)!

i've been friends with a girl on and off since we were about 7 or 8 - i say on and off not because we fall out a lot or anything but because she has suffered with anorexia in the past and missed quite a lot of secondary school etc. we were always just friends but got closer in the last few years to the point where we would probably have counted each other as close/good friends.

my problem is this...over the last year or so, i've noticed she has been quite bossy with me, to the point of being almost controlling. we've both been at separate universities so i've not seen her loads, but it's got to the point now where i don't really want to see her and am avoiding her phone calls and texts.

there have been loads of occasions where she has sort-of railroaded the whole situation...for example i was recovering from glandular fever last year and she came home for the day. we arranged to meet up and i asked her if she'd mind just coming round and spending some time at mine, or if i got a lift to her house, because i was feeling really rough, and she texted me back saying "was actually thinking we could take a nice walk to the driving range and play crazy golf, hehe :P". i was a bit confused cos she had basically just ignored everything i'd said and acted as if i'd said I'M FINE LET'S GO OUT. i agreed because i do have a tendency to be a bit of a pushover at times (which is probably partly why it's got so bad, too). obviously we shouldn't do something just because i've said we should, and she has as much clout to suggest something as i do, but it was the fact that she completely ignored what i said and the fact that she seems to do this a lot.

she used to do this thing where she'd call my mobile, then if i didn't answer she'd call my house phone, then she'd decide that mobile was the better choice and would just call CONSTANTLY til i picked up. obviously sometimes i couldn't, and one time i looked at my phone when i came upstairs and saw that i had NINE missed calls off her in the space of 10 minutes. i called her back and said "OH MY GOD WHAT'S THE MATTER, NINE MISSED CALLS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN TROUBLE, YOU SCARED ME!", i knew she was fine really but i thought it was a subtle way of letting her know that she'd been a bit full-on. it did work cos she hasn't done it since, but i guess that shows you how intense she can be. it felt as if she was saying I WANT YOU TO BE FREE SO DROP WHAT YOU ARE DOING, NOW. one time she called and i picked up and said "sorry, i'm just with my boyfriend at the moment" and she said "oh it won't take long" and then launched into a massive conversation about her own problems. i wouldn't have minded if she'd do the same for me, but when she was with her boyfriend she'd turn her phone off!

i went to stay with her in march and she did similar things on several occasions (e.g. we ordered a pizza that came with two sides, she chose one and said i could choose another, she went to put the order through, then when the pizza arrived she'd 'accidentally' got my order wrong and had chosen a different side).
then we went shopping in a discount village-y place and i said "ooh look, they've got a ___ restaurant!" (we both used to work there and i really like the food). later when we went for lunch she wasn't sure where to eat, so i suggested the place we used to work and said how much i miss the food, and she said "ugh no, i like the food and everything but i think it's so overpriced, let's go to this sandwich place instead". i said yes because everyone likes sandwiches and to be honest i don't care too much where we eat our lunch, but it still annoyed me how she ignored what i said. she paid for it, which was nice of her, and said it was my 'birthday treat'...it was sweet but i did think "well if it's my birthday treat why didn't i get to choose where we went?!"

the most recent time i spoke to her, she just talked about herself the entire time (as she often seems to do) and then stopped at one point to ask me about my holiday. me and my boyfriend had been to disneyland and so i started to tell her about it, but she kept interrupting me and laughing. she was like "oh my god, i told my friend about it and we were in hysterics, the fact that you had breakfast with mickey mouse, i bet your boyfriend was sitting there thinking OH MY GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE". i was a bit hurt and said "no he wasn't at all, we had a lovely time, he can't wait to go back" but she just kept laughing and saying how hilarious it was. i don't know why she is so sure that my boyfriend hates disneyland considering she has never met him, but whatever. it just made me feel a bit rubbish and hurt my feelings that she always laughs at me for liking disney when i never laugh at her for things that she does that seem ridiculous to me.

i know it probably sounds petty individually but when it keeps happening every time i see her it just puts me off seeing her. the problem is that because of her anorexia i'm worried that telling her this will set her back. she doesn't really ever get told that she is being unreasonable - her family are sort of sycophantic towards her and never seem to actually tell her if she is being silly or rude. for instance, her boyfriend broke up with her and in fairness he did do it in a pretty rubbish way (not being upfront with her and carrying it on a lot longer than he should have done) but he KEPT saying things like "just please promise me you won't take this out on yourself" and "please consider talking to someone about this if you feel rubbish about it, i just want to make sure you're okay", and it seemed quite evident that he was concerned about her. she was really angry at him and said "I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND I'M FINE JUST FOR YOUR PEACE OF MIND", fair enough she was angry but her mum completely sided with her and said "HE is the one who needs someone to talk to", and was saying he was a "psychopath" and all this stuff. obviously she felt for her daughter, as anyone would, but i don't think that she ever encourages her to see it from someone else's perspective, and i also think that if they'd taken the time to think about it, they might have considered the possibility that this boy just decided he wanted to end it but was worried about affecting her progress/upsetting her.

i thought that maybe she is quite bossy or controlling because anorexia is often to do with control, and now that she is getting better she needs somewhere else to direct that control? obviously that is only me speculating, though, i haven't experienced it myself and i'd never want to be patronising or assume stuff about it that isn't correct.

sorry to write so much but my question is this: how can you tell someone they've upset you if you feel like there is a chance they might not react well at all, or they might take it out on themselves? i don't want her to feel awful (she has said things to me in the past about having a bad day where someone at uni has said something that upset her, then she's gone home and deliberately not eaten all night, etc) but then i feel like i shouldn't avoid the subject just to save her feelings. plus at the moment i am just avoiding her/ignoring her calls, which doesn't feel nice and obviously has her wondering what's going on.

thankyou!

tl;dr --- my friend is anorexic, we've been friends for a long time, all we ever seem to do is talk about her and she bosses me around all the time, however if i tell her this i am worried she will take it out on herself e.g. not eat

[Podcaster]

People need to learn to put a 'Tl;dr' at the end if they want a sizeable amount of serious replies.

[Anonymous]

24 years ago
My best friend told me I was bossy and always wanted to make the decisions
I responded by telling her that I felt I had to do all the running and sometimes found it annoying that she would not make decisions

She stormed off and basically cut all contact

I still miss her

I do not know if I could have done things differently

[confuzzled92]

why would she take it out on herself? You have a very disturbing friendship

[safety_pin]

(Original post by confuzzled92)
why would she take it out on herself? You have a very disturbing friendship

haha. because of her anorexia, she does things like not eating when people upset her, etc. it wouldn't just be if i did it, it'd be if anyone did

[safety_pin]

(Original post by Podcaster)
People need to learn to put a 'Tl;dr' at the end if they want a sizeable amount of serious replies.

i have no idea what that is but i'll consider it for next time, fanx

[safety_pin]

(Original post by Anonymous)
24 years ago
My best friend told me I was bossy and always wanted to make the decisions
I responded by telling her that I felt I had to do all the running and sometimes found it annoying that she would not make decisions

She stormed off and basically cut all contact

I still miss her

I do not know if I could have done things differently

oh anon that is very sad. i'm sure i do stuff wrong too and my friend probably has issues with me, i'm just sick of being bossed around and am sick of the "but she's been your friend for years" excuse. could you try getting in touch with your ex friend?

[Podcaster]

(Original post by safety_pin)
i have no idea what that is but i'll consider it for next time, fanx

it stands for "too long, didn't read". It means you put a short summary at the bottom so people don't have to read the whole thing in order to give you advice.

[safety_pin]

(Original post by Podcaster)
it stands for "too long, didn't read". It means you put a short summary at the bottom so people don't have to read the whole thing in order to give you advice.

oh! that might have been a better idea haha, i just tried to read it myself and couldn't get past the first paragraph, what a drag, i could surely have made it shorter

[OU Student]

(Original post by confuzzled92)
why would she take it out on herself? You have a very disturbing friendship

It's normal (for want of a better word) for people who have these kind of issues to do that.

[EffieFlowers]

She sounds like a control freak and you sound like a bit of a carpet. I have a friend who is the exact same as you with this other girl. She always complains about how this girl is really controlling and bossy and is the same with phoning and texting. But that controlling girl is only really this bad with my friend, no one else. Because she knows she can get away with it.
Here's an example, my friend was complaining about how the overbearing one was so demanding that she go with the cinema with her that my friend actually returned a top she just bought so she could afford it. How can she complain about it when she's being just as foolish herself.

I know that being a control freak is often a trait in anorexia sufferers, and it's just the way she is, but you need to try and be firm with her. I know it's hard when you're naturally really easy going and a bit of a push over but sometimes she just needs a bit of a telling off!

[safety_pin]

(Original post by EffieFlowers)
She sounds like a control freak and you sound like a bit of a carpet. I have a friend who is the exact same as you with this other girl. She always complains about how this girl is really controlling and bossy and is the same with phoning and texting. But that controlling girl is only really this bad with my friend, no one else. Because she knows she can get away with it.
Here's an example, my friend was complaining about how the overbearing one was so demanding that she go with the cinema with her that my friend actually returned a top she just bought so she could afford it. How can she complain about it when she's being just as foolish herself.

I know that being a control freak is often a trait in anorexia sufferers, and it's just the way she is, but you need to try and be firm with her. I know it's hard when you're naturally really easy going and a bit of a push over but sometimes she just needs a bit of a telling off!

thanks for the feedback, i do actually completely understand what you mean. especially about the friend returning the top, to me that sounds absurd but then i think about stuff that i do and it's only really a lesser version of top-returning, haha.

i think you're right...i will often leave a phone call silently fuming and then my other friend will say "well why didn't you tell her, how can she know to change unless you tell her? she has just hung up thinking everything is fine between you". obviously it's different with this one friend because she's really not good at taking criticism but i guess the sooner the starts getting it the sooner she can change. i think i'll try and tell her the next time i speak to her, or if not then just go out of my way to be more assertive and then hopefully she will get some kind of hint from that, even if it's a subconscious one.

[OU Student]

You need to set boundaries over what's acceptable and what isn't.

[kiss_me_now9]

Your friend needs help, if she isn't already receiving any. Eating disorders are horrible and self centred, everything becomes about the person suffering and they often grow to be really controlling and manipulative because they learn sneaky little ways to avoid eating and make people think the way they do along the course of it. I think if you know she has a support system in place, being firm is a good idea, but if not then tread carefully.

[safety_pin]

(Original post by OU Student)
You need to set boundaries over what's acceptable and what isn't.

thanks for replying. i think i do - i just make myself angry cos i never say at the time when she's upset me and have just bottled it all up. now if i tell her everything it'll become a huge deal, i wish i'd just had the courage to tell her at the time that i was annoyed with her.

i think my best bet really is to avoid a big showdown or a massive conversation about it all...if this is the way she is, i doubt it will be me to 'change' her, but i can make sure that i change the way i act so that i make it very very clear that i won't accept her doing certain things.

i just always try to think the best of people, but on occasions like that time when she decided we'd go play crazy golf instead of stay at home when i had glandular fever, i don't think it would have been unacceptable for me to say "didn't you get my text before, i'm really poorly!" or something.

[safety_pin]

(Original post by kiss_me_now9)
Your friend needs help, if she isn't already receiving any. Eating disorders are horrible and self centred, everything becomes about the person suffering and they often grow to be really controlling and manipulative because they learn sneaky little ways to avoid eating and make people think the way they do along the course of it. I think if you know she has a support system in place, being firm is a good idea, but if not then tread carefully.

thanks i believe she still goes to therapy sessions, she definitely did during uni anyway so fingers crossed she'll have carried on with it. she is much better at eating now in the sense that she has got into a routine and usually sticks with it, but she has made an effort to distance herself from her parents recently so her support might not be as strong as it was. she is very close with her siblings though so i hope she will be getting help from them too.

i hate being firm with her because i always feel like it makes me seem moody or unfair, but i don't even know why i think that so i guess that's more my issue than hers. like when she got my order wrong when we ordered pizza but miraculously got hers perfectly correct and replaced my order with something she'd mentioned that she liked. at the time i thought "don't say anything, it's just a coincidence, how nasty that you would suspect her of doing it on purpose" but then she did other things over the weekend that made me think that she HAD done it on purpose (i'd wanted chicken strips and she'd ordered wedges instead, then the next day she'd said "i hate getting chicken from places like pizza hut, i hate how you don't know what the quality of the chicken is like"...) so i was pretty damn miffed.

i think she has lots of issues but that i don't help matters...i just think i need to man up a bit and accept that standing up for myself or being more assertive doesn't make me a grump or a bad person

[lizlaz350]

You can change things without upsetting her or risking her taking it out on herself - just be firm but kind and make sure you put your view across. It's okay to stand up for yourself!