[Anonymous]

I am 20 years old and have never really had a proper relationship before. There was one guy during secondary school but I freaked out and ended it after a month, which obviously led to him being really upset and hating me. Since then, guys have shown interest in me at uni but I’ve never let them get too close to me. I tend to think of their negatives and come up with reasons why a relationship with them would not work. Don’t get me wrong, I get along fine with boys. I joke around and can talk to them fine, but as soon as there’s a chance that we can be more than friends, I panic. Even when I’m sure I do like a boy, I ignore my feelings because I don’t trust myself. I always think that I will change my mind and cause a lot of pain to the boys, like I did during school.
Now, you’re probably thinking there must be some sort of past experience that has caused me to be like this right? Well, I do sort of believe that it’s due to my parents. From what I can remember, they’ve never had a good relationship. They’re always arguing and my dad has even cheated on my mum. I went through a phase where I just wouldn’t trust any boys due to this, which of course I now realise to be very stupid, as not all men are like this. However, I’ve never really seen the appeal of relationships as I believe that at one point or another they will always end. So what’s the point in investing so much time and effort?
Now there is a friend of mine who I do really like and he likes me. And we’ve even agreed to give it a go as soon as uni starts again in September, but I can’t help panicking about everything that can go wrong and if I’ll end up hurting him. He’s such a nice guy and is trying to reassure me as much as possible by not pressuring me into anything and saying that we’ll go at my pace. However, little doubts keep creeping into my head, like ‘do I like him as much as I think I do?’ and ‘what if I’m messing him around?’ Not only this, but I’ve never done anything more than kissing a boy, so am really worried about the physical side of a relationship and not having any experience with it!

Has anybody ever been in this sort of situation? It would really be handy to get some sort of advice on how people have coped!

[blondyx]

I know how you feel to an extent but 'its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' right?
Trust your instincts and just try to trust him when he has earnt it. Everyone is scared before doing anything more than just kissing a guy, but when people do it they don't know why they were so worried so much in the first place.
Not all relationships turn out badly. My friend has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and they are still happy together.
Its quite caring of you to be more worried about hurting him than you are of being hurt yourself. Don't worry about things so much, just try to relax and enjoy things.

[hali0112]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I am 20 years old and have never really had a proper relationship before. There was one guy during secondary school but I freaked out and ended it after a month, which obviously led to him being really upset and hating me. Since then, guys have shown interest in me at uni but I’ve never let them get too close to me. I tend to think of their negatives and come up with reasons why a relationship with them would not work. Don’t get me wrong, I get along fine with boys. I joke around and can talk to them fine, but as soon as there’s a chance that we can be more than friends, I panic. Even when I’m sure I do like a boy, I ignore my feelings because I don’t trust myself. I always think that I will change my mind and cause a lot of pain to the boys, like I did during school.
Now, you’re probably thinking there must be some sort of past experience that has caused me to be like this right? Well, I do sort of believe that it’s due to my parents. From what I can remember, they’ve never had a good relationship. They’re always arguing and my dad has even cheated on my mum. I went through a phase where I just wouldn’t trust any boys due to this, which of course I now realise to be very stupid, as not all men are like this. However, I’ve never really seen the appeal of relationships as I believe that at one point or another they will always end. So what’s the point in investing so much time and effort?
Now there is a friend of mine who I do really like and he likes me. And we’ve even agreed to give it a go as soon as uni starts again in September, but I can’t help panicking about everything that can go wrong and if I’ll end up hurting him. He’s such a nice guy and is trying to reassure me as much as possible by not pressuring me into anything and saying that we’ll go at my pace. However, little doubts keep creeping into my head, like ‘do I like him as much as I think I do?’ and ‘what if I’m messing him around?’ Not only this, but I’ve never done anything more than kissing a boy, so am really worried about the physical side of a relationship and not having any experience with it!

Has anybody ever been in this sort of situation? It would really be handy to get some sort of advice on how people have coped!

Hey OP. I just got into my first proper relationship recently. I am 20 too. I was hurt once before by a guy I fell in love with who used me and then ditched me when he got bored. It left me heartbroken and devastated and it really ruined my confidence. I know how you feel. It can leave you in a position where you feel like what is the point in falling in love and giving a guy your heart and your effort and energy when he may hurt you. But that's normal to be scared given the situation of your parents. But remember all men are different. It depends on the guy and your relationship. But being in a relationship for me is one of the best feelings I've ever had. I have learnt so much about myself and am exploring a different side to me that I never knew I had. It's so exciting and it makes my life so much more meaningful and special. I was very happy with my life before and finally got to a place in my life when I was happy and comfortable. I am doing the degree I had always dreamed of and have such a great group of friend but being in a relationship makes me feel and experience things I've never had before. To love and be loved back by someone. To share things with someone - it is just wonderful. There will be ups and down and not all plain sailing but that's a relationship. finding out who you are and about that person is not easy. that's the hard but but just make sure you communicate with him. tell him how you feel and make sure that he is open with you. share with him your fears and concerns. That's what I do. we are so honest with eachother and I like that. He is my love and my best friend. The prospect of taking the physical side of our relationship to the next level still terrifies me. I'm so inexperienced and that scared me but he tells me he'll go at my pace and when I'm ready. I will take each day as it comes and just enjoy it. It is a risk but the feeling of being with someone is such an amazing feeling that it is worth it.

[chanizst]

Your in the same situation wif me in terms of panic. My parents hv split up as well n thats made me really scared when it comes to a relationship! Im so worried if my lover cheats so Ive been looking for someone who loves me more than i do. I think we both hv a very strong sense of insecurity! However I do think its worth a go if ur really sure that boys ur Prince Charming such as after getting to know him for a long time, having common interests....etc Mayb u shudnt expect too much from him at the very beginning of the relationship. Always get to know more abt the guy first n then c if he's the rite one for u e.g. making u secure.

In my view, the physical side isn't necessary in a relationship. Also, r u ready for that? If ur not, then u shud refuse him in case. Do things that make urself happy

[bloodtobleed]

I know I'm a man but I feel like I can contribute. I'm nerdy and shy as hell at times. Once i get to know a woman I'm normally comfortable enough around them. I've had 2 relationship, one lasting 4 months and the other lasting just under 2.5 years. The shorter relationship of the two was the better one only ending because she had to move away with family. I enjoyed both relationships but my last ex cheated on me and left me for someone else. I feel a bit scared of getting into another relationship and finding another girl like my last ex. I also keep seeing long relationships break down for the same sorts of reasons. I know there's a reasonable woman out there somewhere but it's just a case of finding them and trusting them as much as you can. Enjoy the good times and make the most of it. A relationship will always be rewarding in some way or another and if you end up with a real ******* then you can just walk away.

Edit: I'm 21

[Anonymous]

I'm terrified as well. Especially now i'm getting close to someone with whom i believe a relationship is a serious possibility in the long term.

I make friends with girls really easily which means i've witnessed or helped out through far too many messy situations and break ups. I've completely fell for this girl at the moment but i can't help but think i'd make a terrible boyfriend and i'd end up hurting her in some way like my friends have been. Which is the last thing i want to do because she is a real sweetheart.

Everyone assumes thats its only girls who can get nervous and guys are all sex crazed animals but the thought of doing anything sexual honestly terrifies me. I'm crippingly self conscious of my body and i've heard about people not being able to 'get it up' due to nerves. I'm at an age where the vast majority of girls will have sexual experience, which i can accept as its so easily availible for them. So its how someone would react to all this too.