[Lokzia]

Basically he's 20 years old, 21 in February and he's never had a job. Ever. He left education at 16 years old and has literally done nothing since apart from going out with his friends. I have sent him loads of links to job applications etc to try and help him but he just isn't bothered, and he told me that he'd never pass the interview so there's no point him even trying. I just feel like he's wasting his life away .. and I want so badly to help fix him but I don't know how He feels he isn't good enough because thats what our parents always told both of us and he's really sensitive to stuff like that so he took it all to heart. It's like he literally thinks he isn't capable. He's been on drugs, had drinking problems .. everything and it makes me so sad because I try to help him and he just chucks it back in my face

What can I do to help him get his life back on track, or is it too late? I mean, who would want to employ a nearly 21 year old who's done literally nothing for 5 years but drink and smoke?

*Also, he went to a grammar school so it's not like he isn't intelligent enough. It's just like he's given up.

[gagaslilmonsteruk]

There's nothing more you can do. One day he will realise and only then will he turn to you. You just have to get on with your life, and when he's ready he will turn to you or your parents.

Sometimes tough love will be the only language people understand

[Skyelight]

Is he on job seekers allowance because then he'd be going down to the job centre etc? Tbh if he is on jsa then he's actually breaking the law not actually trying to find work. At 20 going on 21 in February he'd be earning £6.05 an hour which is a brilliant rate but ironically he's actually better of on the dole. Our country has a mad system like that. Obviously work builds a stable life and ethics system so it's always best. Perhaps suggest a job at a security guard with a firm like Securigroup or (dare I say it) G4S. They have good pay levels and work he might find 'exciting'.

[advent2]

There are many ways in which you could help him but that's only if he actually wants to be helped. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves.

'You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.'

The Prince's Trust have a 12 week self-development programme for 16-25 year olds which aims to build up their confidence and self-esteem and to give them some work experience to help them get back in to work. I did it when I was 16 and it changed my life. Having said that, there were people on my team and it did nothing for them, they just returned to their old ways after the course had finished.

Again it all boils down to having the motivation to want to help yourself. You could have the best counsellors, self-help gurus and psychologists in the world supporting your brother but if he's not interested in changing, it's going to be a losing battle.

It's never too late, as long as you are living and breathing, there is always time to turn your life around.

[advent2]

(Original post by Lokzia)
I mean, who would want to employ a nearly 21 year old who's done literally nothing for 5 years but drink and smoke?

Well he can still redeem himself. He can do the Prince's Trust course I mentioned which shows he is willing to change or he could do some voluntary work to develop the necessary skills and experience to secure paid employment.

I volunteered in a charity shop when I was 16 and the retail experience it gave me and the confidence in dealing with customers led to my first paid job.

I started as a volunteer in my current job and by developing the necessary skills and experience through voluntary work, I got my current paid job where I am earning just over 19k per year. It's not the biggest salary going but it's not bad considering you don't even need any qualifcations to volunteer where I work.

It seems the drinking and taking drugs are symptoms of an underlying problem. There's a reason why people drink and take drugs-they want to feel better. Why do they want to feel better? usually because they are feeling bad in the first place. Why are they feeling bad? that's the key question and the root cause of the problem.

You mention the low self-esteem he has because of your parents. I don't know whether that it the cause of it but it might be. He could probably benefit from counselling but again, every solution suggested is futile if he isn't willing to try it.

You can't really sell things like this to people, they need to persuade themselves. Be a good listener. Find out how he is feeling. What are/where his hopes and dreams in life? was there ever a career he wanted to do? did he want to get married and settle down? where is he going to be in 5 years if he continues the way he is? 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.' Get him thinking about his future and if he raises any barriers as to why he can't achieve what he wants, explore those barriers with him. Find out where they come from. Ask questions, let him do most of the talking.

[Kittiara]

It's easy to get stuck if you're insecure. It's easy to look at what you want but think you're never going to get it, so that you end up not doing anything about it. Your brother is definitely not alone in that, and it doesn't help that jobs are hard to come by. But that doesn't mean it's too late for him. There are options. Further education, or an apprenticeship for example! If he doesn't feel comfortable with being in a classroom, he is old enough to study with the Open University, which he can do from home, and as I doubt he is raking in the cash, he'd get a student loan for it.

I wouldn't send him any more links to jobs. That may make him feel a bit defensive. Even though you don't mean it that way, if he is insecure, he may feel as though you don't think he's good enough the way he is either, and that you're trying to push him into a direction you feel he should go in.

Like advent2 says, listen to him. If he shares with you what his hopes and dreams are, be encouraging, but don't get so enthusiastic that you send links and forms to him. That may make him feel under pressure again.

Just be there for him, and let him know that you are, and that if he needs help, you would be happy to offer it.

You sound like a really caring person, and it's lovely that you want to help him. I think that it's going to be a case of one small step at the time, though, to get him out of his shell. But it will sure be worth it .

[rj1990]

That's really cool that you wanna help him.

One night try and really speak and listen to him, he probably actually has alot tosay but noone to talk to it all too.
Listen to what his dream is, because I'm sure he probably has one, he is probably just too scared or insecure to say.

No matter how big his dream is, even if he comes out with "I want to be a ****ing rockstar" support him, cos thats better than what he is doing now.

[anonperson]

It's really kind that you're so eager to help him, but he's 21 years old. It's up to him to turn his life around and make the effort to find a job. He knows what he has to do, he's either just being defeatist or plain lazy.