[Anonymous]

Just need to let it out.

Ever since I was a kid I've had unpleasant stuff going on in my life. My parents separated when I was 2 and I hardly saw my dad. My early years as far as I remember were ok and I liked my mum's company a lot. When I was 11 my mum began becoming horrible on occasions. My mum told me she was filing for divorce and my world broke apart. I have absolutely no family that I have had much contact with (only child too) so I have always longed for a small family. I was hoping one day my parents would get back together after that long separation but after divorcing, I knew it would never happen. I became depressed slightly, and started to become very quiet, when my original personality is loud and humorous. My mum didn't help either. Once I remember asking her about getting together with my dad again. My mum launched me against the wall and hit me. The physical and verbal abuse I receive from my mum (almost everyday) began then. I remember my mum forcing me to "encourage" to take the divorce. She would keep a tally on the wall of how many times I had told her per day that she should take the divorce, and if I lacked I would be hit. Also when I say hitting, I mean scratching, biting, pinching etc and I have lost a lot of blood like this and still have several scars on my arms from years ago. There have not been many days that this hasn't happened, even now (I am 18 now).

Because of all this I became depressed, quiet and my self esteem was so low I couldn't bare public interaction. My love for my mum just went like that. I still liked my dad, I felt he understood me, on the rare occasions I met him.

Some of the verbal stuff my mum has done to me is quite horrible too. For example she rarely calls me by my name and instead calls me "stupid" in her mothertoungue. I have always felt that my parents divorced because of me and my mum never sees it from my point of view. She doesn't see that I may need to look after my dad and see him more often as he is getting very ill.

I am very worried about my dad. I used to like him but now I don't as much. He has seen me twice over the past 2 years. I feel unwanted by him now too. I thought he always liked me but it doesn't seem so.

When I started college I put on a brave face and started to come out of my shell and i am proud to say that when I am alone or with anyone else apart from my mum, I am quite confident. But at home or out with my mum I become like an oppressed being again. Because of this my relationship with my mum is not good. I do not like to listen to her at all because I still remember everything she has done that has ruined my life in so many ways,most of which I haven't even mentioned on here. So I tend not to converse properly with my mum. I have never been able to tell her my feelings. Once I did and it did not turn out well at all.

Don't get me wrong my mum is a sweet person but why is she like this with me? I have explained it all to her but she doesn't understand me. I feel as if no one understands me.

My past I feel defines who I am. I can never completely come out of my shell I think. I don't ever really smile unless I am with close friends, not because I am a poor socially awkward person, but it literally feels as if my 52 or whatever smiling muscles have frozen up over the years.

I feel as though everything I used to enjoy has been taken away from me. Tv, games, sport, music etc. My mum limited my access to these things from a young age so now I don't really enjoy doing anything really.

My life has been quite messed up so far but I am again proud of myself to have a
chance of being a Doctor when I complete my medical degree. I just needed to let out my feelings because as I have said no one understands me in person. Thank you for reading.

[A Cat]

Do you reckon it's possible that your mother is a psychopath? PM me if you'd like.

In some ways, the past is irrelevent, in some ways it's important. Memories of the past belong in the past and can only be brought into the present through the mind. However you wouldn't be the person you are today without the past, and deep down you know you're content. It's just the external conditions of life that are affecting your mood. Since life, the external reality, is a case of uncontrollable situations, then it is best not to try and control them. Since the mind, the internal reality, can be controlled through the power of will, like you willed yourself to study medicine, it is possible to see a happier life again. It is the internal reality which affects how we see life. If we're depressed, life is ****. If we're blazed (smoked weed), life is good. The real talent, if you like, lies in the will, the belief that you are content, happy with the internal reality, happy with yourself. True happiness comes from within, does it not? To put external conditions on your happiness is to put external conditions on your sadness as well. With life, there is good and bad in everything. It's entirely dependent on what you want to see - the good, the bad, or both. Depending on what we percieve outweighs the other, we come to the conclusion that this is good or bad or whatever. So there is good and bad in your mother being a bitch towards you - you're not dependent on anyone, you don't need that godawful TV telling you what reality is, and you can fill in the rest since I don't know anything about you. I hope this helps. Please do think about it. And remember you and your will decide what holds value in this life. If you want to place value on your mother's words, fine, but down to their simplicity they are just noises. If you want to place value on your future and on your degree, then that is your choice and I hope you're doing well with it.

Please do read up on Psychopaths.

[1183572557]

Wow, you have been through a lot. It takes a lot of courage to share everything you shared, and you seem to be very aware and understanding of things that other people would otherwise have dismissed. To go through so much, and be so understanding, is amazing, and you should be genuinely proud of that.

In response to the previous comment, I don't believe that your mother sounds like a psychopath from what you have written here.

You asked at one point why your mother treats you in this way, and unfortunately only she can answer this question, although she probably does not know right now, but she can find out with some help if she wants to, and is ready to. Other people's opinions might be wrong, or they might be spot-on, but ultimately it's her battle to find out the exact reason.

Some possibilities might include her feeling like a vicitim at the time of the divorce, when you asked her to get back with your dad, and her switching that feeling onto you instead,therefore making you the victim rather than her, giving her some power in her life.

Another explanation might be that she was abused as a child.

Another might be that she sees you as a representation of your father, of her old life, or of her failed marriage.

There may be other reasons altogether, it is very difficult to state exactly why this is happening, or what your mother is experiencing and why.

But more importantly, for you to have gone through so much, it is very understandable for you to feel the way you do. You have been through a lot. And the feelings that you are going through may be a sign of depression, which although may seem like they are explained by your experiences (loss of interest, difficulty feeling happy, etc) can be a sign of depression or something similar, and it is very common, and there is help available for it.

I would definitely advise you to see a psychologist, it's not as stigmatic as it may seem, they generally talk, listen, and are more like a friend than a "shrink", I really think it would help, especially in understanding your relationships with your parents. How clear you are about how you feel is what makes me think you would be perfect for psychological support. They will have seen more than a few people with similar difficulties in life as you, and will know how to help.