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Massive situation within our relationship

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and 3 months. Its gone really really well and we love eachother very much. We met on a night out and we kept meeting up ever since and got on really well then he eventually asked me out :smile:

When we first started going out, he started asking me about my past. I have quite a big friendship group, we always do everything together and go to parties, cinema etc etc theres about 6-7 of us in this group. One of them is my best friend who is a girl, she has two brothers who are also in the friendship group who i am also very close with as friends. I am 21 now, but a couple of years ago i have had a sexual relationship with them both. Yes that may seem a bit wierd as they were my best friends brothers but the thing is it was all a bit of fun. I felt no emotions for them, i didnt love them it was just sex. I wasnt sleeping with them both together at the same time. I only had sex with oldest one once then with the second one about two years after we were sexual buddys. But i still remain friends with these guys because i have grown up with them, their dad lives in Kenya and ive been to Kenya with them twice! Ive been on a few more holidays with them.

I have literally grown up with these people since i left school and i care for them as friends not lovers. Yes there has been a past but it means nothing, it always has meant nothing. There has been nothing there.. just a friendship and sex happened. So when my boyfriend asked i told him, i was honest and i said yes in the past i have slept with them but it was so long ago now. Both of them have had girlfriends for years and still do now. It was just something that happened, and we just laugh about it now. I dont understand why i wouldnt be friends with them just because this happened. So because i am best friends with their younger sister since i have been 15, when i want to go round to their house my boyfriend doesnt like me going and we have argued and argued and there seems to be no outcome. He has asked me many times to not go round but i want to see my friends. I would never ever cheat on him with anyone, i have been so loyal and honest in our relationship. I even moved my life to be with him when he was at university and got a job down south to be with him just so the relationship could work.

This last month, he has asked me to choose between my friends or him. We broke up for a week, because it was just not going away this problem. I said i cant choose between my friends who i care about so much as friends and weve all got such a good friendship group and i just wasnt prepared to turn my back on them all because at the end of the day i havent even done anything wrong and niether have they? If i said i dont ever want to speak to you both again, i would lose friendship with their younger sister, i would lose friends with my other friends who are also friends with them. The whole friendship group wouldnt want to speak to me, then i wouldnt have any of my old friends. Imagine if i split up with my boyfriend in 2-3 years time and i wanted some support? They would tell me to get lost. It would be understandable if i had gone behind his back whilst i was with him that would be terrible, but i havent. They are in happy relationships, i also get on really well with their girlfriends. He will not accept that it was in my past and when i was young. I cannot turn back the clock and anyway it has nothing to do with him. Apparently its like someone stabbing a knife in him when he knows that im hanging around with people who ive slept with. But i am not going to do anything!!!! i just want to remain friends with them!!! It is such a tricky situation and i really need another opinion to see what someone will say who i dont know, because i have discussed this with some family members and friends and they have said well hes got to trust you and he cant tell you or physically stop you from seeing your friends. He says he does trust me its just the principle of me going round to see them, its killing him.

This issue is really tearing us apart, my friends brother has even offered to call and ring him to explain that nothing would ever happen now as weve all grown up and it was just a bit of fun back in the day but my boyfriend doesnt want to hear it. Its making me lose friendship with my best friend ruby aswell because i feel i cant go round to her house anymore plus im really good friends with their mum and i just feel im letting someone who i deeply love and adore and i would do anything for do this to me? There is only so much i can cope with. What do i do? I really love and care for all my friends, before i met my boyfriend everyone used to come round to my house and have dinner or we would go round to someone elses and watch films it was just so much fun. But i dont do that anymore because im not allowed. When i do see Ruby at her house i always feel really on edge and i cant relax in my best friends house because if my boyfriend knows i am there he wont speak to me for the rest of the day or we end up arguing about it then i get angry and so does he then we just want to split up again. I understand where he is coming from a tiny bit because he is showing he cares and loves me which is nice, i know he does love me loads but he must just understand that there is nothing else there. I feel like im betraying him or doing something wrong when i just go round for a bloody cup of tea and a chat with ruby and her mum!! Everyone else says Invite him round to our parties and group things we do, so then he can see for himself its just friendships but he will no wa have nothing to do with these boys. I cannot bare it anymore, is there an outcome?

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 1

leemkule

MY EYES, they bleed. I notice it's your first post; if you're going to write so much you might want to think about paragraphs, nobody wants to read a wall of text.

I think it is to be expected that your boyfriend is going to be a bit worried about you seeing the two men that you've slept with as friends. I think majority of guys would be slightly concerned about it, even if they didn't act that way. That said, it was in your past, and for him to offer an ultimatum based on that is unfair and not something I'd put up with if it came from a girlfriend. For the relationship to work he has to trust you; which he clearly doesn't.

Reply 2

superduper9

Ok I took my time to read that. Now, let me try and explain from a guy's perspective and from personal experience ....

Its not that your boyfriend doesn't trust you. He clearly respects you a lot and since you made the move to be with him, he knows that this is a serious relationship. However, it makes him feel uneasy, uncomfortable, awkward and perhaps even a little jealous when he knows your spending time with the people who you've slept with. I completely understand that you are just very good friends with these guys but for some boyfriends, they would rather not have their girlfriends continue to get along so closely with ex bf's and guys they may have slept with. This behaviour can be viewed as insecure, possesive or in a positive light, it can be viewed as trying to protect you, making sure you don't get hurt or just to make sure you're relationship stays strong.

Personally, one of my ex gf's used to keep in close contact with her ex bf who she broke up with on good terms. Whilst I didn't stop her from talking to him etc, she and I both knew that her spending alone time with him and doing things just with him just made it uncomfortable between us. So for the good of the relationship, she limited the time she spent with him alone and I really appreciated and respected her for that. She didn't do it because I asked, only because she thought it was the right thing for both of us.

Its an age old conflict and the only solution is compromise - ask yourself, what do you gain from maintaining your friendship with these guys, is it worth risking your relationship thats going really well, and are you sure these guys won't approach you again in a romantic way? Only you can answer these questions. Your boyfriend's ultimatum is probably his way of not knowing what to say. Weigh up your options, talk to your boyfriend again and perhaps you can reach a compromise. Best of luck!

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 3

Coolsezysez

Thanks for the responses guys.. and yes sorry i should of put it in paragraphs! It is a bit eye puzzling. I was just trying to explain the situation in the best way i could. I have asked myself so many times about whether the relationship is worth losing over a friendship but i cant just erase my memories that ive had with these people i dont want to not be their friend. I had some really good times with this family especially when i got asked to go out to Kenya and lived there for free. But i dont want to have to choose, its not fair. I want to have my friends and feel comfortable around them and have a boyfriend too. He says that because i go see my friends, i value them more than him? Well i dont at all. I love him to the world and back but i arnt going to choose between people. And no, they definately would not approach me again in a romantic way as they know how much pain and emotion ive been through and how much ive cried about this situation i think they're decent enough to not do that. Plus they have they're own girlfriends who are constantly around so i dont think they would have the chance to make that sort of move on me again.

Reply 4

superduper9

I can see it is a tough situation for you. But, I cannot stress enough this point - how much ever you use reason and logic to explain that they are only close friends and nothing more, your boyfriend, and most other guys, would find it very difficult to be comfortable with the situation. The fact you feel that this is a big issue, makes it suggest that you care more or equally about your friends than your boyfriend. This would never apply in my case. If I was in a long term relationship with a girl (e.g. 1 1/2 years +), she comes above all other friends and is equivalent to a part of my family. Though this may seem exaggerated, I certainly do mean that! If a situation such as this arose, I would think about it but wouldn't call it a massive problem, there is an easy way out. The fact that your bf is uncomfortable is more so because they weren't your bf's when you slept with them, it was casual sex. I'm not putting you down for this but just pointing out that this doesn't help the cause. I agree that your friends, and infact anyones close friends, will do things that you are grateful. However, if they are your true friends, they will understand any distance that you have to maintain. Whether you choose to or not is up to you!

Reply 5

LinzyLoo

Original post by Coolsezysez

Your boyfriend is putting you in a very unfair position. It sounds like you have a great group of friends. Please don't give that up for him. Whether you end up staying together forever or not, you will ultimately regret throwing away such precious friendships. I can see why your boyfriend feels uncomfortable with the situation, but he HAS to trust you. You haven't given him any reason to think that you aren't trustworthy, have you? It's HIS ISSUE. Also even if he was playing the whole "it's not that I don't trust you, I just don't trust the guys" card, that's a load of rubbish too because even if one of the guys did try it on with you, you'd say no. He doesn't need to trust them. If he trusts you to say no then that's it, that's all that matters.

I totally sympathise with your situation and although I can see why your boyfriend would be weird about it, it is wrong for him to try to stop you seeing your friends. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and I am still good friends with most of my exes and still hang out with them. At the start of my current relationship, my boyfriend was a bit funny about me seeing my exes, but he never asked me not to do it, and if he had, I would have said no. Now he knows there is nothing to worry about, and your boyfriend should too. Especially after being together for over a year and knowing that you love him and have always been faithful to him. He is being extremely unreasonable and uncaring because he is just thinking about how HE feels and how HE doesn't like it, not caring about your feelings and the fact that he is asking you to give up your closest childhood friends. Please don't do it.

Reply 6

RalphsDisciple

I understand how your boyfriend feels, my boyfriend has a very good female childhood friend who he slept with as a friend before we got together. Naturally, I feel very uneasy about him spending time with her, because I know that something's happened before, and something could easily happen again.
HOWEVER, I would absolutely never ever ever ever ever ever ever ask him to stop seeing her. Ever. She was a good friend of his before I came along, and he enjoys her company. I know that something could happen, but A) I trust him to say no if anything was ever suggested and B) I trust him to know that if anything ever did happen, he'd be gone the second I found out. No, of course I don't like or trust her, but really I probably should. Since we've been together, she's never posed any kind of threat to me, she's never tried anything on - I actually have no reason to dislike her, or distrust her, but I can't help it, and that's probably how your boyfriend is feeling. I do trust my boyfriend though, and that's enough for me. She's a friend who makes him happy, he hasn't done anything wrong, so I'll sit here and bite my tongue.

Reply 7

UkStudentWannabe

As mentioned above you need to compromise. But so does he.

I believe him asking you to cut them off is unreasonable, since they are like family to you. Also you have only been together for a bit over a year. Even though it's a long time, it's not long enough for you to give up important people. Especially since you already seem to have given up so much for him.

Have you tried to get your bf to join you every now and then, when you hang out with your friends? And if he could befriend them as well?

Reply 8

Coolsezysez

We have tried to compromise, but his way of compromising is making me arrange to meet up with Ruby outside of the house so then i am not in contact with the two boys.. or not in their house. I don't want to drag her out of her own house to go meet up in a coffee shop every time, i want to go round and chill with her and paint our nails like girls do and catch up.. but no i am not allowed. Him telling me i am not allowed to do things, or not allowed to see these people makes me want to do it more. Not because i want to hurt him, because he is taking my independence away and telling me i cannot do something. I am a 21 year old girl, independent girl, not a 2 year old. I understand he wants to try and protect me, but he needs to see it for himself that there only is just a friendship there and that we all get on so well as group and i am not going to be taken away from it.

He came to a local festival with me over the weekend after the ALOT of arguments and convincing as the two boys were going also. I said just come and see for yourself, they are there with their girlfriends, having fun like we do in the group friendship. Come and see for yourself that we are all just friends. He did and he had a really good time. But were back to square one again.... because the festival is over and he was drunk so he just forgot about his worries but they've all been reunited again now he's back to normal.

I have tried so hard with this relationship. I have never loved someone so much as i have loved my boyfriend. But this situation is tearing us apart and now is going on for so long, the love for one another is wearing away. He told me himself on the weekend, I said if that's how you feel then we must go our separate ways but he is still hanging on to me.

Reply 9

UkStudentWannabe

Tbh, then it's his problem.

You shouldn't be controlled by your bf. But good that you told him. You could also tell him that you could compromise in a way that you don't hang out with the boys alone, but you're not willing to give up girls nights or group hangouts..