The disability advisor I spoke to yesterday just rang me up, because they had a message from my mum saying that I was very upset. Which has really pissed me off - my mum didn't tell me she was going to do that, and there was no need to. Sure, I'm not having a brilliant time all day long but Sunday night was the only time I could count as being really upset. And I just know to avoid that for the moment. Apparently I've been sounding increasingly stressed (
maybe because they keep ringing me up and it's very hard to actually enjoy myself when I'm either expecting a phone call or my phone is constantly ringing?). Once I'm doing things I'm comfortable with I'm fine. It's just the uncomfortable things that are the problem.
Anyways. No doubt mother will bring that up tonight.
I know they're worried and stuff, but...my mum complains a lot about parents of her students who interfere with their kids & the university. I'm sure that's what she just did. Disability advisor woman has referred me to a mental health mentor (being paid for by SFE), I'm not entirely keen on the idea. I do not do talking about emotions to anybody, definitely not someone new who I've only just met. Ugh. She's also trying to set me up with a "buddy" from my course or at ECA to make sure I can get about okay (she implied they'd come with me at night, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable with that - I more than likely wouldn't go because the person wouldn't be a 'friend' and I'd feel bad making them come out when they probably had better things to do). So well done mother, worrying the poor advisor woman and thinking something terrible had happened since yesterday.
What does it matter that I can't go out? What does it matter that I've already bought tickets to two concerts (one in Glasgow in October and another in November here)? What does it matter that I'll simply be too anxious to talk to anyone ever. Does it even matter that I lack absolutely any ability to trust people? Or that my social skills are crap? No, it shouldn't matter. I've had a whole lifetime to get used to it. You might think I"m being slightly melodramatic (maybe I am, I don't know anymore) but I have never experienced having a real, honest to goodness friend. I've never been one either. I had a handful of friends in primary school, there's people on a website I talk to a bit, there's someone I text a lot and consider to be like a little sister to me but I've never met her.
I'm eighteen years old and I've never had a real friend. And I have no idea how to find one - or be one in return.
I'm tired of freshers. I might drag myself out tomorrow and go on a see the city tour or something. I'm exhausted, I don't sleep much and I've been walking probably in excess of three miles each day. I don't want to go home, I want to be here. I just want to feel accepted here, that's all.