[Anonymous]

I'm currently at university, and I know I'm only a few days into Freshers Week, but I have this gut feeling that's telling me that I'm not going to enjoy university/the university life. Or maybe just that I wont enjoy uni while living in halls.

I'm not a very talkative person, and I find it hard to start/maintain conversations. I tried to not let this get in my way, and I really have been trying to talk to new people and introduce myself to as many people as possible, after I've managed to overcome the nerves. (Also just an FYI I'm naturally a polite person, and I don't look like what most people would consider socially awkward at all). But almost every time I try I've fallen flat on my face after the conversation quickly hit a brick wall. It's putting me down, and really having a negative impact on my self-esteem. People quickly realise that I'm a quiet and reserved person, even after I try to put myself out there. My flat mates all clicked instantly and now I'm left out of anything they do. It's the same with people I have lectures with. During induction they all made their own small groups quickly, and I'm left out of that too. My mind is constantly blank and I just can't think of anything to make conversation with, and it's only making everything worse. I've never been this bad.

I feel like these first few days have gone on for a whole week. I'm also feeling really lonely, and it's hard because I've never actually felt truly lonely. At home I was very close to my family, so I could never really be alone. I just don't think halls and the uni life are for me at all. I'd prefer to transfer to a uni closer to home and live at home. Could I still do this?
Everyone says "wait it out", but every time I've had this gut feeling with something and still decided to continue with it, it's always turned out wrong and left me feeling worse than before. I just don't know what to do.

Sorry, I wrote way more than I thought I would. I just needed to get that out of me.

tl;dr - Uni life isn't for me and I'm feeling really lonely and down after not having much success with meeting new people. Just know I'm not going to enjoy myself, and finding it hard to cope. Not sure what to do.

[elyaas-ahmed]

Well.. I believe if you cant enjoy alone.. you cant enjoy with anyone else.. I know you are feeling down and also under estimated. You are probably a sensitive kind of person. And if you are worried about whether u will enjoy your uni life or not.. it depends on what kind of people you make friends with and more than that it depends on you. And yes you should probably wait for some time.. and be yourself all the time . to find a good friend... become a good friend. Explore yourself.. Be a friend of yourself.. I know friendship and being social is important.. but you should not depend on people lonely.. be independent.. if you are not confidence enough , don't worry.. you will be very soon... its good that you expressed your feelings here... if i were in your uni i would loved to help u... but i can say what i can say only here... just relax..!

[shuttermagic]

Hi I'm in my second year at uni but being a naturally quieter more reserved person I know how hard settling into uni can be. I think at uni in the beginning it can definitely feel as though there are a lot of confident people around you... I remember sitting in lectures and also trying to talk to people and running out of things to say. I kept thinking.. No one here really knows one another so how can they seem to have so much to say??
It's hard as it is you've just got to keep trying to talk to those around you, even of you are just introducing yourself and asking the basic questions. It could be that the reason you feel like you have less to say than normal is because you're putting so much pressure on yourself in order to maintain the conversation that your mind just goes blank.
Remember that conversation is a two way thing, so it's not all down to you. It's natural for you not to have much to say to some people, but you will meet a lot of different people in various places at uni, and as you said its early days.
I found that as time went by I started to feel more comfortable with people around me, as they became more familiar.

Also like you, my flatmates also seemed to get on really well with each other straight away whereas I didn't feel like I had that much in common with them.
I understand feeling lonely being away from home as at home I was always comfortable, but it does get eaiser. It took me about a month and a half before I started to feel comfortable in my uni routine but it does get easier and at the end of the year you will probably look back and think your first year went by really quickly!

If you want to be at that uni and want to do the course you're doing then don't let feeling uncomfortable get in the way. Give it some time honestly.
And if you do think things really don't improve then you can always transfer.

If you want to talk through things a bit more we can do,

Xx



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[HurricaneUpper]

I personally hooked up with my only university friends though the university's anime/gaming society (luckily they knew a few other people between them too). I was actually really miserable until I found them, I was almost on the verge of quitting. However, I now look back at my university days with them and tearfully wish I could go back in time to re-live those days.

You could always try to point out the other quieter people in your classes and see if they're going through a similar issue? I think making friends at uni (especially if you're living there!) is probably the most important thing that you can do. Just make sure that you genuinely like them.

Oh yeah, if you decide to switch to a closer university in order to live at home - you still run the risk of being lonely during your time at that university as well. That said, you'll have more money/less debt, less distractions - and you'll only be away from home for half a day or so.

I'm not entirely sure how your university works, but I believe that mine gave us until november or something in order to back out for free. Thinking about it, my friend switched universities himself due to similar issues that you've been going through. That and I don't think the area was for him, so he suffered homesickness.

I apologise that my post is a bit all over the place - but I'm currently battling with some bad anxiety/depression myself.

[Anonymous]

Thank you guys for the advice so far, at least I know I'm not the only one. I keep telling myself it'll get better, but it's the fourth night now and I'm doing nothing, and I've barely eaten all day. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm actually too anxious to go into the kitchen when I know there's people in there. It's that bad now, and I hate it. I understand how silly I'm being, but for some reason I can't stop it; it keeps taking over me and just doesn't let me think properly. Back where I used to live I was never ever like this. Even when I figured a social situation would be awkward I still got stuck in there and spoke to people. I'd really come out of my shell in the past 2 years (due to amazing friends and family), and now all that work has vanished and I'm even worse than I was before.

Rant over. I'm just really disappointed in myself right now.

[shuttermagic]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thank you guys for the advice so far, at least I know I'm not the only one. I keep telling myself it'll get better, but it's the fourth night now and I'm doing nothing, and I've barely eaten all day. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm actually too anxious to go into the kitchen when I know there's people in there. It's that bad now, and I hate it. I understand how silly I'm being, but for some reason I can't stop it; it keeps taking over me and just doesn't let me think properly. Back where I used to live I was never ever like this. Even when I figured a social situation would be awkward I still got stuck in there and spoke to people. I'd really come out of my shell in the past 2 years (due to amazing friends and family), and now all that work has vanished and I'm even worse than I was before.

Rant over. I'm just really disappointed in myself right now.

I had the same problem in my first year of finding it difficult to go into the kitchen when there were people in there, which felt like a backward step for me too, so I completely get that.

I found it did get easier over time, you just have to push yourself to keep going in there, even if in the beginning you just go in to get a drink.
I think the more you avoid it the more threatening it will appear as you teach yourself that there's something you need to avoid.

I think the more times you can manage to go in the kitchen and say hello to the people in there then the more comfortable you will get around them and the idea of them being around.

If you find after a week or so things are still very difficult it could be worth making an appointment with the university's counselling service.
Just see how you go, hope you feel better soon, just keep pushing yourself,

Xx


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[NorwichtoBristol]

Without being harsh, why don't you go and sit with your flatmates in the kitchen and listen to what they are talking about without the need to talk. I do this (as I'm quite shy and quiet plus, like you, I find it difficult to start and maintain a conversation) and the rest of my flatmates talk to each other, but they are aware that I'm there and do include me as well as inviting me to go out with them.

[Anonymous]

Just thought I'd give an update. So far not much has changed. I do push myself a bit more now to go into the kitchen, although I still don't talk much to anyone in there. I've always been known as "the quiet guy", but back in my home city it came across as quite mysterious (in a good way). I was usually approached and spoken to at house parties and such, and no matter what I was comfortable with being like that. Now it's changed, and here it feels like people see me as a weirdo or a freak. Before I wouldn't care at all, but now it bugs me. Especially because I know my floor mates think this and I have to see them everyday. Uni has made me more insecure and a less talkative person, which is the opposite of what I thought would happen. It seems like everyone I've spoken to has expected me to be constantly chatty and fill in every conversational gap with more words. Why can't people just hang out without having to speak every second?
For example there was a social induction the other day for my course, and I decided to introduce myself to a small group of people. As I started walking towards them they gave me weird looks, but I still went with it. I said hey and introduced myself, and asked them all individually what course they were doing and even made a joke about following the wrong crowd. I think I came off pretty confident. But they put no effort in whatsoever, and I just got a crappy vibe off of them. One of them even gave me a two-fingered handshake. I just thought, what's the point in putting in effort if I get none back? I've only met one real genuine person so far, and everyone else seems a bit cold and judgemental.

I have two friends from college that I know at the uni, but they seem to be drifting apart now too. They're both friends with their floor mates, and I just wish I had floor mates I clicked with too.

So all in all, I'm still leaning towards leaving.