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Is my standard of writing good enough? (Am I ready?)

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    Hey, I recently began creative writing which I haven't done since school and was thinking of entering a short story competition. I was wondering if anybody could critique these small extracts of my work and let me know if they think I'm ready to enter a competition or need to work more to refine my writing? (These are descriptive intro paragraphs to short stories, I know "A" needs some work)

    A

    "The obnoxious hands of the clock strode onwards villainously, completing their cycles as though with contempt for the young writer who wrestled with himself to meet his deadline. Sunlight had began to phase through the drawn curtains at his window serving to make artificial light unnecessary and the futility of his efforts all the more frustrating. Sweat slowly rolled down the back of his neck in submission to the ominous but steady and certain pull of gravity, much like the creature who perspired was being dragged by the chains of time and commitment toward his target. His tired eyes squinted through his thin spectacles at the jumble of paragraphs, words, letters and notes scrawled across the computer screen and writing pads that were strewn in a formless fashion around him like the debris of an explosion. Not nearly enough was done but the uncharitable hands of the clock continued."

    B

    "The disorientation of the waking moment was extinguished by the sudden realisation of his actions. His cheeks burned scarlet as a sharp pang of embarrassment caused his torso to involuntarily lurch forward as though his inner consciousness was attempting to escape his body and abandon the identity of he who had perpetrated such a magnificent folly. What had he done? "

    Any tips and constructive criticism much appreciated! Cheers
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    Man, that is excellent. Seriously, your writing is really good and I'm not just saying that to be nice, I genuinely enjoyed reading what you wrote there and thought it was written in a smart way that didn't rely on being overly verbose or full of big words to be clever. If you can conceive a unique story and write it using the same level of quality as what you just did then I'm sure that it would be really successful.

    I used to be a bit of a creative writer too and sometimes still write an odd piece or two in my notepad lol and this has helped motivate me to start taking it seriously again, I really used to enjoy it.
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    (Original post by plzhelp19)
    A

    "The obnoxious hands of the clock strode onwards villainously, completing their cycles as though with contempt for the young writer who wrestled with himself to meet his deadline. Sunlight had began to phase through the drawn curtains at his window serving to make artificial light unnecessary and the futility of his efforts all the more frustrating. Sweat slowly rolled down the back of his neck in submission to the ominous but steady and certain pull of gravity, much like the creature who perspired was being dragged by the chains of time and commitment toward his target. His tired eyes squinted through his thin spectacles at the jumble of paragraphs, words, letters and notes scrawled across the computer screen and writing pads that were strewn in a formless fashion around him like the debris of an explosion. Not nearly enough was done but the uncharitable hands of the clock continued."



    Any tips and constructive criticism much appreciated! Cheers
    Personally, I think this is a little too descriptive. There's too many (how should i put this) long unnecessary descriptions of mundane things? obnoxious hands, gravity pulling sweat, jumble of paragraphs, formless fashion, uncharitable hands. It would do amazing in an english Language gcse exam. But to read for pleasure, it's really quite babbily if you ask me.

    I think your writing style would do great in poem writing however, due to the imaginativeness of your metaphors and similes. But if you want to grip people, make them want to read on for a story, for example, you should read authors such as Thomas Harris or Dan Abnett. The beauty of wanting to read on is the simplicity, and faced pacedness of their writing, while they slip in the odd metaphor that completely sums up the entire situation.

    Don't try too hard, to sum up, is what I'm trying to say. Let writing flow smoothly rather than making each sentence into it's own story. That's just my thoughts though.
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    The power of her gaze subdued him as if he was acting out a scene where he's been tazered by a cop not known for showing a lack of aggression Towards unseemly patrons in his district . Her gaze penetrated his soul like no microscopic device ever could and rendered him silent for an eerily beautiful moment, the words lost as their normal route from brain to mouth was temporarily blocked off by the vertically cascading potency of the spell that her gaze had placed into him. Like many before him, the man had become a victim of the power of love, a prisoner to an emotion that seems to arise at the most strange of times that bely it's inherent normality when we consider its ubiquity in a world full of people devoted to others. The spell was removed when her eyes set upon something else but little did the man know that the spell, like a persistent feeling of doubt in a person with low self esteem, would never go away and would return at the most in opportune times and would eventually set the tone for who he would become and how his life would take on a change that he could never anticipate, only savour for as long as they could be entwined and labelled as one.

    Lol quick little thing there, any criticism or anything would be appreciated, might convince me to try it out again or might not.
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    (Original post by theonefrombrum)
    Man, that is excellent. Seriously, your writing is really good and I'm not just saying that to be nice, I genuinely enjoyed reading what you wrote there and thought it was written in a smart way that didn't rely on being overly verbose or full of big words to be clever. If you can conceive a unique story and write it using the same level of quality as what you just did then I'm sure that it would be really successful.

    I used to be a bit of a creative writer too and sometimes still write an odd piece or two in my notepad lol and this has helped motivate me to start taking it seriously again, I really used to enjoy it.
    Thanks for your kind words mate - My main worry was that it was too verbose - yeah I think everyone should do a little - I wrote this in the week my first attempt at creative writing since I was 16 (I'm 21 nw) feels good to get back into it think I need to sharpen it up though
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    (Original post by angrydanmarin)
    Personally, I think this is a little too descriptive. There's too many (how should i put this) long unnecessary descriptions of mundane things? obnoxious hands, gravity pulling sweat, jumble of paragraphs, formless fashion, uncharitable hands. It would do amazing in an english Language gcse exam. But to read for pleasure, it's really quite babbily if you ask me.

    I think your writing style would do great in poem writing however, due to the imaginativeness of your metaphors and similes. But if you want to grip people, make them want to read on for a story, for example, you should read authors such as Thomas Harris or Dan Abnett. The beauty of wanting to read on is the simplicity, and faced pacedness of their writing, while they slip in the odd metaphor that completely sums up the entire situation.

    Don't try too hard, to sum up, is what I'm trying to say. Let writing flow smoothly rather than making each sentence into it's own story. That's just my thoughts though.
    I kind of agree with what you're saying but I assumed that because OP had to condense his writing so people here would read it, to show how creative he/she was they had to write using similes/metaphors as that's more indicative of their writing ability if you're reading a small amount, whereas like you said for longer stories a writer should incorporate more fast paced and less descriptive sentences. But doing that now would just seem boring as there's not really a story that OP is conveying. Reading 'he got up and walked over, saw that he was wrong and slumped back into bed' is just boring to read without having a context to go with it so I think this criticism is a bit unjustified.
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    (Original post by angrydanmarin)
    Personally, I think this is a little too descriptive. There's too many (how should i put this) long unnecessary descriptions of mundane things? obnoxious hands, gravity pulling sweat, jumble of paragraphs, formless fashion, uncharitable hands. It would do amazing in an english Language gcse exam. But to read for pleasure, it's really quite babbily if you ask me.

    I think your writing style would do great in poem writing however, due to the imaginativeness of your metaphors and similes. But if you want to grip people, make them want to read on for a story, for example, you should read authors such as Thomas Harris or Dan Abnett. The beauty of wanting to read on is the simplicity, and faced pacedness of their writing, while they slip in the odd metaphor that completely sums up the entire situation.

    Don't try too hard, to sum up, is what I'm trying to say. Let writing flow smoothly rather than making each sentence into it's own story. That's just my thoughts though.
    Yeah I think your spot on with your critique - think the first paragraph (A) should be toned down alot - I need to try and think of a story and see how I fare with characters, dialogue, flow and trying to compel the reader to keep reading. Thanks for the response really helpful, cheers
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    (Original post by theonefrombrum)
    The power of her gaze subdued him as if he was acting out a scene where he's been tazered by a cop not known for showing a lack of aggression Towards unseemly patrons in his district . Her gaze penetrated his soul like no microscopic device ever could and rendered him silent for an eerily beautiful moment, the words lost as their normal route from brain to mouth was temporarily blocked off by the vertically cascading potency of the spell that her gaze had placed into him. Like many before him, the man had become a victim of the power of love, a prisoner to an emotion that seems to arise at the most strange of times that bely it's inherent normality when we consider its ubiquity in a world full of people devoted to others. The spell was removed when her eyes set upon something else but little did the man know that the spell, like a persistent feeling of doubt in a person with low self esteem, would never go away and would return at the most in opportune times and would eventually set the tone for who he would become and how his life would take on a change that he could never anticipate, only savour for as long as they could be entwined and labelled as one.

    Lol quick little thing there, any criticism or anything would be appreciated, might convince me to try it out again or might not.
    I'm not overly sold on the imagery e.g. "as if he was acting out a scene where he's been tazered by a cop not known for showing a lack of aggression", "penetrated his soul like no microscopic device ever could", " a victim of the power of love" - think this could be better - feel they could have been expressed more concisely and with better language and imagery - stick at it man!
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    (Original post by plzhelp19)
    I'm not overly sold on the imagery e.g. "as if he was acting out a scene where he's been tazered by a cop not known for showing a lack of aggression", "penetrated his soul like no microscopic device ever could", " a victim of the power of love" - think this could be better - feel they could have been expressed more concisely and with better language and imagery - stick at it man!
    Yeah you're right, I haven't really wrote in a long while and I've definitely written a lot better than that before but I am quite tired too so ill try again in the morning and see what I can do, cheers for the critique.
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    Some of those sentences are a little too long winded for my liking. If I am being completely honest, I think people would get quite lost at the descriptions.

    Do you ever get others (friends and family) to read back anything you write?

    "His cheeks burned scarlet as a sharp pang of embarrassment caused his torso to involuntarily lurch forward as though his inner consciousness was attempting to escape his body and abandon the identity of he who had perpetrated such a magnificent folly."

    Read that out aloud, it's far to long as a sentence. I think it is much better to write in quick, short and less descriptive sentences, than long and overly descriptive sentences.

    "His cheeks burned scarlet. A sharp pang of embarrassment caused his torso to lurch forwards as if his consciousness was trying to escape his body." ...

    You definitely have a talent for imaginative writing though.
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    Two writing rules of thumb:

    1. Never ever show anyone a first draft of anything

    2. Kill all your darling (i.e. delete your favourite descriptions)
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    You're trying really hard and it comes across as such.
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    (Original post by Boner in joggers)
    You're trying really hard and it comes across as such.
    Exactly. Ignore what anyone else said, it's a bad piece. There are lots of things that can be improved - firstly apply the general theory that "the man did not move one leg carefully in front of the other in a straight line, he simply walked."
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    (Original post by Boner in joggers)
    You're trying really hard and it comes across as such.
    I don't really see how I'm trying too hard - I wrote these in 20 minutes and haven't edited them at all. To clarify my best friend and I challenged each other to write a short story each in a week and the other night we had to compare what we'd written (I'd done nothing) so I wrote this quick. I suppose I was trying to impress him and knew that he was into imagery. I posted here cos he was raining compliments and I wanted an objective opinion to keep my ego in check haha
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    (Original post by Nice Marmite)
    Exactly. Ignore what anyone else said, it's a bad piece. There are lots of things that can be improved - firstly apply the general theory that "the man did not move one leg carefully in front of the other in a straight line, he simply walked."
    Yeah I agree, the line about the sweat ruins the first one but I think I can see what I need to do and definitely think I can come up with something better, even something good. Thanks for your responses.
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    (Original post by samjj8)
    Some of those sentences are a little too long winded for my liking. If I am being completely honest, I think people would get quite lost at the descriptions.

    Do you ever get others (friends and family) to read back anything you write?

    "His cheeks burned scarlet as a sharp pang of embarrassment caused his torso to involuntarily lurch forward as though his inner consciousness was attempting to escape his body and abandon the identity of he who had perpetrated such a magnificent folly."

    Read that out aloud, it's far to long as a sentence. I think it is much better to write in quick, short and less descriptive sentences, than long and overly descriptive sentences.

    "His cheeks burned scarlet. A sharp pang of embarrassment caused his torso to lurch forwards as if his consciousness was trying to escape his body." ...

    You definitely have a talent for imaginative writing though.
    Hey thanks, yeah I definitely agree with your criticism, if I was actually writing a story obviously the description would be toned down a lot but they're supposed to be "scene-setters" and I was trying to impress my friend who's into poetry and imagery and that. Completely agree about the long-winded sentences definitely something I need to work on. Thanks for the critique really helpful cheers
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    My eyes hurt.
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    You seem to be trying to be far more intelligent than you actually are, but it doesn't work.

    There is a general lack of originality in your writing.
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    (Original post by Luna.)
    My eyes hurt.
    omg rude
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    (Original post by plzhelp19)
    I don't really see how I'm trying too hard - I wrote these in 20 minutes and haven't edited them at all. To clarify my best friend and I challenged each other to write a short story each in a week and the other night we had to compare what we'd written (I'd done nothing) so I wrote this quick. I suppose I was trying to impress him and knew that he was into imagery. I posted here cos he was raining compliments and I wanted an objective opinion to keep my ego in check haha
    There's little use getting defensive about it. Writing is as at it comes across to the reader, the conditions under which the author wrote it should have little to no bearing on the impression the text makes.

    Anyway, the most important rule is still not to show anyone a first draft. That is half of the problem here.

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