[Subcutaneous]

Bit of a dilemma at the moment, me and my partner have been invited to my cousins wedding in January.

In the invitation it stated that they don't want any gifts, but the gift of money- we both think, this is fine for a birthday; but your wedding?! They state they'll use the money towards something special for them both as a memory of their wedding day but it just seems a bit, dodgy...

We're both thinking instead of giving money, donating something to charity in the couples name instead.

Views on this?

[NW86]

My view is don't be tight. You may be helping them go on a really nice honeymoon that they otherwise wouldn't be able to afford. Or put down a deposit on their own home together.

It's not just about gettign 12 kettles at your wedding.

Edit: I've been to 3 weddings in the past 18 months that have asked for money, it's becomming pretty normal. All 3 of those were to go towards honeymoons that they otherwise wouldn't go on.

[Melancholy]

I don't see why this is suspicious. They just don't want money wasted on **** wedding presents that they don't need and would rather efficiently buy something significant, useful or otherwise beneficial to mark the start of their marriage.

[Subcutaneous]

(Original post by NW86)
My view is don't be tight. You may be helping them go on a really nice honeymoon that they otherwise wouldn't be able to afford. Or put down a deposit on their own home together.

It's not just about gettign 12 kettles at your wedding.

Edit: I've been to 3 weddings in the past 18 months that have asked for money, it's becomming pretty normal. All 3 of those were to go towards honeymoons that they otherwise wouldn't go on.

Well they had their honeymoon paid for by my dad actually (he passed away recently and left my cousin a little money towards it) and they got their deposit paid for by his parents..

They both earn fairly good wages, and his family are millionaires...I'd be happy to give money if I knew exactly where it was going on, not just 'something special'

[Melancholy]

To be honest, if they're from a rich family (indeed, had their wedding paid for), then I doubt they're marrying purely as a money-making scheme. I don't think it is such an important issue though.

[lukas1051]

Do the charity thing, it'll piss them off but they won't be able to act like it has... I'm sorry, but you don't ask for presents, it negates the whole point of receiving a present. Too many people feel like they're owed something on their wedding day, a day which in itself is already a celebration of vanity.

[Intriguing Alias]

(Original post by Subcutaneous)
Bit of a dilemma at the moment, me and my partner have been invited to my cousins wedding in January.

In the invitation it stated that they don't want any gifts, but the gift of money- we both think, this is fine for a birthday; but your wedding?! They state they'll use the money towards something special for them both as a memory of their wedding day but it just seems a bit, dodgy...

We're both thinking instead of giving money, donating something to charity in the couples name instead.

Views on this?

Well I've recently been to a wedding where they asked for money too - it's supposed to help them to put a deposit on a house. Though, like your cousin, the parents of the groom were millionaires (not like multi-millionaires but rather a very very well-off dentist). Maybe they don't want to ask for much from their parents, I guess.

[Melancholy]

I think it's more socially acceptable to ask for wedding presents (rightly or wrongly), probably derived from the fact that newly weds are often poorer and are trying to start a life together so they need toasters and things. So I wouldn't criticise the couple for saying that if they are to receive presents they'd prefer money. The money might be to try to make them less dependent on their family. Giving to charity is commendable, but it's a rather socially-odd gesture.

[BeautifullyTragic]

These days many people live together first before getting married, so asking for typical 'wedding presents' of toasters, kettle etc aren't needed. I know a lot of couples that have asked for money towards the honeymoon etc. Some other couples also set up an online thing, so you can donate money but it goes towards 'the grooms suit' or the 'wedding car,' so people feel that they contributed towards the actual wedding.

[Octohedral]

Dodgy??? The dodgiest thing that can possibly happen is your cousin spending your gift to her on herself. What do you think they're doing? Funding the black market?

If your cousin wants to give to charity that's her business, but doing it on her behalf as a 'wedding gift' is really quite weird in my opinion.

[moregano]

Why do you think it sounds "dodgy"?

The idea that they want your money to spend on cocaine smuggling or prostitute trafficking or whatever it is that you think they're up to doesn't sound particularly convincing to me

[.Scout.]

I seriously don't see what the problem is here.
It's much more logical to give them money that they can put to good use then buying them gifts that they probably don't like and will never use.

[vickie89]

i dont see why it would be a problem to give them money. my sister is getting married in may and isnt doing the whole wedding list thing because they have both lived alone for years before getting together, so they have everything they need for their house and are asking for money to put towards a honeymoon instead, if people want to get them a gift then thats up to them and will be appreciated, but they would prefer money so they can go away together somewhere really nice. its not dodgy, its just knowing they would rather have a nice holiday with happy memories to start their marriage off, than have a load of presents that they dont really need or want. they also find the whole gift registry thing really impersonal.

[rockrunride]

(Original post by lukas1051)
Do the charity thing, it'll piss them off but they won't be able to act like it has... I'm sorry, but you don't ask for presents, it negates the whole point of receiving a present. Too many people feel like they're owed something on their wedding day, a day which in itself is already a celebration of vanity.

Agree with that, weddings have become the sole occasion on which it is acceptable to flout gift etiquette.

But since people can and do ask for gifts, might as well give them money as it's no different.

[TimmonaPortella]

(Original post by Melancholy)
The money might be to try to make them less dependent on their family. Giving to charity is commendable, but it's a rather socially-odd gesture.

I agree. It always strikes me as a very weird gift to get someone. I can't help but feel that the thought process behind it is "well, we have to give them something, but we want to give to charity, so let's give the money to charity and somehow spin it as a gift" :s Just be honest and don't give them anything if you don't want to.

[Clare~Bear]

I've been to a couple of weddings where money gifts were put towards things to do on their honeymoon. I don't think it's odd. They're paying between £50-100 for you on average to go to that wedding, so it's fair if you put towards their honeymoon. especially if they already have a house etc.

Also my auntie (who has a good job, as does my uncle) did ask for donations to one of a choice of charities that they both support.

[LaurenPhilippa]

Oh wow OP. They're obviously 'gonna take the money, split it and....RUN.

Just kidding!

Tbh, it'd be a far more beneficial wedding present to give them money to spend on essential stuff they need, rather than buy them a gift that they don't want or otherwise need.

Just give 'em the cash.

[simibean]

I was invited to a wedding in summer, and the couple asked for money. We gave them £50 and didnt think of anything suspicious.

[kka25]

(Original post by LaurenPhilippa)
Oh wow OP. They're obviously 'gonna take the money, split it and....RUN.

[laurennmc]

Plenty of people can't afford a wedding and a honeymoon anymore, my friend got married a couple of weeks ago and her and her partner asked for money and now they can afford to go for a weeks break somewhere they wouldn't have been able too otherwise

Also, people tend to forget that in modern society, many people already live with their partners for many years before getting married; therefore gifts are pretty pointless as they already own everything for the home, unlike many years ago when couples didn't move in together until getting married when they then needed all of the home necessities.

I wouldn't give it it to charity.. I'd give it to them, it's their day afterall. If you really don't wanna give them cash, buy them some sort of present. But don't be surprised if they don't use it, since they must have an idea of what they already want if they're already asking for money .