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I fell into the trap...

Love is very fickle in my experiences, I'm a thoughtful and caring person yet it seems lady luck (or bad luck in this case) is always ready to strike at a moments notice.

About a month ago, a close friend from Spain came over to the Uk to continue in her study of english and meet new people. One of these sort of exchange student schemes if you will. She told me she was coming and that we just had to meet up. After all, in the past we were great friends and shared some wonderful moments together before I moved country. This is the girl I've always liked, the girl who I share so many things in common with, the girl that always had a boyfriend impeding me from making my move. Silently and patiently waiting the chance never came..

I'm sure you can depict how I was feeling when she told me I was going to see her. I was all over the place with excitement and fear and scared I was going to see her and not be able to let go. I find it very odd, being a male and always being so emotional with these things, taking everything at heart.

I saw her for 2 straight weekends. Showing her all the wonders of London and what it has to offer. The zoo, museums, parks, landmarks, concerts and lets not forget the london underground!(Picture of a can of sardines? Use your imagination)(Just joking). I admit it, it got to me. Feelings that were put to rest re-awoken once again and knowning it would be something impossible since we lived so far apart. As for how she felt, I do not know since women's minds are a complete enigma!. If I had to guess she somewhat felt something as opposed to nothing. We were close in our time together sharing all the things that have happened to us since we last saw each other.

And so before we said our goodbyes at the train station, I started reading to her one of her favourite books in english. I think she likes the english accent a lot. The departure of the train was getting closer and closer, every moment ticking away so fast. My hand suddenly met hers and did not let go, as she was about to leave my emotions took hold of me and so I pulled her towards me and kissed her....She was shocked and completly unexpected it and so did not return the kiss but a hasty goodbye. Terrified with what I did I messaged her saying sorry to which she replied 'Do not worry about me'. ??? Well what in seven hells does that mean!?

The only reason I stayed sane for the next week is because I already had a flight booked to spain and was going over there for the holidays. A chance to clear all of this up. Shortly upon my arrival I discovered she already had a boyfriend or a very close friend for that matter so I had to go and ask her what was all this about. Our talk was not very clear, always evading direct questions and giving shaky answers. So wether she actually felt something for this other guy I do not know.

We kept on meeting up to go to places, our relationship escalating even more and more until one day suddenly it was as if someone pressed the 'off' button. I was completly confused. Is she protecting herself because Im going to be leaving in a couple of days? Is it because I'm just another fling for her?. Our final dinner together was in good spirit yet distanced compared to how passionately I was kissing her a few days before. The goodbye was short, looking into her eyes knowing I wouldn't see her in a very long time yet I would be willing to wait for her all that was neccesary, the question being, would she?

All these thoughts overcrowding in my mind, I could not say all of these things...I was afraid. I wanted to hold her in my arms and never let go but...we just parted ways, turning my head a couple of steps to see her one last time.

Now, I truly miss her. Not a day goes by with all those sweet memories flooding back in. Wishing I could relive those moments again and again. Wanting to move on a find someone else is an impossibility for me at the moment. And while we are in occasional contact through skype and facebook (always me saying hi and starting a conversation), I see no remains of our time together.

It saddens me how attached I have grown and feeling so helpless about the situation, never forgetting anything, missing those moments when we were hand-in-hand walking across the beach and into the sunset and that whole night we spent walking around aimlessly just because I thought every moment with you was worth more than anything.

What am I to do I wonder....

Reply 1

strawberry

I only have one question: do you want to spend the rest of your life pining after someone who doesn't seem to want to be with you?
whatever her reasons are, I think you should want to be with someone who wants to be with you the same way.