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My fiancee is not who I thought she was. Turns out she was very promiscuous

My fiance and I have known each other for three years. We got engaged last year and our wedding is scheduled in two months.

The back story is sad really and I did not see it coming.

Basically, my fiance is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her five year college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I rejigged my schedule and said I'd accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag I didn't catch at the time.

Long, sad, pathetic story short, on the second night there we were at her sorority reunion and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old "sisters." It came to light that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.

When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked and with reality setting in, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many? She didn't want to answer but I got it out of her that it was in the mid 20s range.

When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I was not expecting a virgin and she did not say she was one. (neither was I). By the same token, however, she never said anything about all these frat brothers.

I really don't know how to process all this. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I'm sad. I know everybody has a history - but a history like this?!

I just don't know if I can move forward with her. How does one deal with or look at this?

I'm not a babe in the woods but I've been blindsided. Any constructive suggestions would be welcome. By the way, calling me insecure or a jerk or judgmental is not going to resolve anything. I also don't buy the argument "her past has made her the person she is today that you love." A woman does not need to have 25 guys in her mouth to figure out what she wants to settle down with.

How pathetic.

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Reply 1
It's a shame that she felt the need to lie to you earlier in the relationship but I think we can both see why she did so.

However, I really don't think this should be enough to change your entire view of her. The past is the past and as long as she isn't going down on lots of guys while you're together, I think it's an issue that you can get over in due course.
Most people deflate their previous experiences to some extent. This is five years ago, and when you're young and in certain situations, this sort of thing seems like nothing. I've done plenty that I wish I could forget, I'm sure most people have/will do so.

I think too much is placed on previous 'love life'. What sort of person is she now? What sort of person has she been for three years? I can see why you'd be taken aback (understatement) but at the expense of your happiness why punish someone for (harmless and inconsequential) mistakes they made years ago?
Reply 3
While I can appreciated that you feel like she was dishonest with you, does this change anything about the connection that you two share? Surely your entire relationship isn't based on sex. If you love her so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with her then surely you can get past this?

When we're younger and we date (or whatever else) we're just learning how to be in relationships and how to be an adult. Whatever she did when she was younger is in the past. She moved on from that part of life and wants to be with you. She chose you.

That's what's important.
Reply 4
Original post by TheBigGeek
While I can appreciated that you feel like she was dishonest with you, does this change anything about the connection that you two share? Surely your entire relationship isn't based on sex. If you love her so much that you want to spend the rest of your life with her then surely you can get past this?

When we're younger and we date (or whatever else) we're just learning how to be in relationships and how to be an adult. Whatever she did when she was younger is in the past. She moved on from that part of life and wants to be with you. She chose you.

That's what's important.


If their relationship was just based on sex then I doubt he'd care about this, think about it.

I disagree with the whole "I had to kiss many frogs to find my prince" kind of attitude; you don't need to get intimate with someone to see if you want a relationship with them. And as much as you may disagree, people really don't change that much. Yes they might learn to control their ways, but if someone was a slut in their teenage years then there must be something in their personality that caused this and it is very hard for someone to get rid of that - its just in their nature. Sorry if I sound negative. I'm not necessarily saying this is the case for your fiancée, OP.
Reply 5
Look at it this way. You love her enough that you are going to be married. She's got a life with you now and while her past may not be what you expected, she didn't mean it maliciously and if she thought it was that big a deal I imagine she'd have tried to discourage you from going with her.
It sounds like one way or another the two of you have things to talk properly about and sort out. Is it feasible that you could postpone the wedding until a later date? You really should only go ahead if you are 100% sure about it. A postponement would be better than a wedding which goes wrong.
Reply 7
Stung did mention that she seemed edgy when he told her he would be able to attend, which sounds a bit to me like she didn't want him to go but was hoping her secret wouldn't be let out by her sorority sisters.

It may be a difficult subject to breach, but considering he is engaged and about to marry, it does seem rather disheartening (to say the least) that she did not feel comfortable to completely confide in him or pre-warn him about the reunion. When they had the sex-talk afterwards she remained evasive. It raises the issue whether she trusts him sufficiently and in turn whether he can trust her sufficiently.

Relationships, especially those at this advanced stage, are based on mutual trust and if that doesn't exist, then is it really real?

You may want to have a sit-down chat with her and go over your concerns and see if you can agree on a way forward, both airing any dirty laundry.
Reply 8
Is this you OP?

(edited 11 years ago)
Reply 9
If it is a dealbreaker for you that is fine.

You don't have to have her as your fiancée. You can call it off if you want to, and you might save quite alot of money too.
Reply 10
Are you annoyed that she has sucked off loads of guys, that she lied to you about it, or that you've fallen for someone who's done either of those?
Reply 11
Personally i say try and forget about it, people change as they grow up and if youre getting married shes evidently not as ermmm promiscuous anymore and loves you... let by gones be bygones and enjoy getting married :smile:
Reply 12
get over it yeah?
Sorry to break it to you but we cant see the future and therefore dont plan our lives around our future partner.
Its her past, it wasnt planned with you in mind and shouldnt upset you to this extent.

Granted you might not want to think of it happening but no one does with whatever a partner has done with however many numbers of past partners be it 1 or 100.

She had the right to have sex, do whatever with as many guys as she liked. You werent together at the time and its not like she was planning for you, so dont make her feel bad about it because she evidently regrets it enough already.
Reply 13
Original post by stung2012
My fiance and I have known each other for three years. We got engaged last year and our wedding is scheduled in two months.

The back story is sad really and I did not see it coming.

Basically, my fiance is not the person I thought she was. Last week she and I attended her five year college reunion. Originally, I was not going to be able to go with her given certain timing conflicts, but I rejigged my schedule and said I'd accompany her. I thought she'd be happy about that but instead she seemed edgy. It was a red flag I didn't catch at the time.

Long, sad, pathetic story short, on the second night there we were at her sorority reunion and were having a rollicking time drinking with her old "sisters." It came to light that during her time there she was a "regular" at a fraternity that her sorority was "friendly" with. Basically, she's been with many many guys.

When I brought this up the next day, sober and shocked and with reality setting in, she said that it didn't really count because she "just went down on them." How many? She didn't want to answer but I got it out of her that it was in the mid 20s range.

When we had the "sex talk" early on in our relationship, there was no mention (or the tiniest hint of mention) of any of this. I was not expecting a virgin and she did not say she was one. (neither was I). By the same token, however, she never said anything about all these frat brothers.

I really don't know how to process all this. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. I'm sad. I know everybody has a history - but a history like this?!

I just don't know if I can move forward with her. How does one deal with or look at this?

I'm not a babe in the woods but I've been blindsided. Any constructive suggestions would be welcome. By the way, calling me insecure or a jerk or judgmental is not going to resolve anything. I also don't buy the argument "her past has made her the person she is today that you love." A woman does not need to have 25 guys in her mouth to figure out what she wants to settle down with.

How pathetic.


Firstly, I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I imagine it's awful. The advice I'm about to give may sound brash and extreme, but it's because of the perspective I have; I'm quite a paranoid person. Personally, I would not marry her.

1. Because even if she had 'changed' since then, being the sort of person I am, I could never forget that sort of history.
2. As you stated, I do not see why she would perform oral sex on so many guys. Especially as I'm guessing you're both relatively young (by relatively young, I mean even 30s.). Even then, the 'mid-twenties' figure is enough to exceed most women's lifetime count
3. She lied. I've always been of the opinion that nobody ever entirely changes, and you said yourself that she was edgy when you accompanied her - so she quite possibly anticipated the crushing news.

That's just my opinion, though. Good luck.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Mark85
Is this you OP?



Great movie, OP watch that scene play out, maybe it will help.
Reply 15
Original post by kunoichi
get over it yeah?
Sorry to break it to you but we cant see the future and therefore dont plan our lives around our future partner.
Its her past, it wasnt planned with you in mind and shouldnt upset you to this extent.

Granted you might not want to think of it happening but no one does with whatever a partner has done with however many numbers of past partners be it 1 or 100.

She had the right to have sex, do whatever with as many guys as she liked. You werent together at the time and its not like she was planning for you, so dont make her feel bad about it because she evidently regrets it enough already.


I think you're missing his point. It's not that he expects women to 'see the future' or that she should have known she'd end up in a relationship, it's the fact that she would do something like that in the first place. It says a lot about a person if they're willing to engage in those sorts of activities with dozens of strangers...and that she lied about it all along.
Reply 16
Original post by McMurdo
I think you're missing his point. It's not that he expects women to 'see the future' or that she should have known she'd end up in a relationship, it's the fact that she would do something like that in the first place. It says a lot about a person if they're willing to engage in those sorts of activities with dozens of strangers...and that she lied about it all along.


Strangers? How exactly were they strangers if she was regularly going over there?
Secondly some people just like to do sexual stuff and why not? If they enjoy it why shouldnt they? There's this thing called sexual enjoyment and freedom which many people enjoy while they are young and when they feel ready or meet the right person, then they want to settle down.

And has she cheated or ever been unfaithful? Not that OP has mentioned, so why emotionally punish her for being faithful and happy in a relationship with him?

Maybe she should have told him, but from her point of view, she didnt want to hurt this guy who she loves enough to want to marry and stay faithful to.She didnt want him to have to think about it. She probably knew what he would think and how he would react and also im getting the impression he asked 'how many guys did you sleep with' not 'how many guys have you bj'd' so shes not lying either.
Reply 17
It depends what she did. A bit of casual sex in your past is no big deal. I mean at least she's seen all sides of relationships and she's probably good in bed too. I get why she didn't tell you. And it's not even that important for her to mention it. If it's no big deal to her, why even bring it up? I would do the same if I were her but I wouldn't pretend I was a virgin either. She chose you. Think about it. She ****ed a fair amount of guys so obviously you've got something on them in the sack if she's still with you. Sex with someone you don't love is so inferior to sex when you're in love.

EDIT: Just saw it was blow jobs. Well think of it this way - that is a piece of her past and therefore it is part of her. If you can't accept it then do you really love her?
(edited 11 years ago)
She can't be as bad as Don Draper...that's a plus.

On a serious note, who are you to judge someone else like that, have you never done a mistake? People make mistakes and then change. You don't even know what her situation was, instead of trying to understand her situation at the time, you jumped on this website and sarted insulting her. The simple fact that she didn't tell you either tells you how regretful she is or the kind of person you are, someone unable to bury the past and move on. There is someone else you should be calling pathetic.
(edited 11 years ago)
This was a reasonably long time ago. It happens and it's far from uncommon, I'm sure. Her "history" is really nothing unusual. The fact that she was uncomfortable about you going to the reunion and not having mentioned her sexual exploits to you suggests to me that she regrets her past and now, given that she's engaged to you, wants to settle down in a serious relationship. I think, rather than ruining something which up until now was good, you should try to let her past go. I'm not saying forget about it - it's clearly upset you and that's not something you can just 'forget' but try to not let it ruin your relationship. If you think that her promiscuity is not in the past and she may have cheated on you or is likely to, then of course this is something to be concerned about. But you need to separate your worry about something which has happened and has finished from your concern about what's happening (or most likely not happening) now. The latter, in my opinion, is the only thing you need to worry about enough for it to affect your relationship with her.
(edited 11 years ago)

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