He breaks my heart again and again - What should I do?

Hey Everyone,

This has been eating me up for so long and I just want some suggestions and opinions on the situation.

I started seeing this really great guy at the start of the summer. We were forced into long distance straight away but we decided from the outset that we were exclusive. We had our ups and downs but it was really good. We have lots in common, great physical and emotional chemistry etc. After 3 months of not seeing each other but skyping and texting and calling we finally saw each other. We spent an amazing week together.

At the end of the summer tho while we were still doing long distance (before we saw each other) he told me that he he wasn't sure of a future for us. He was starting uni and looked forward to the 'fresher's experience' and told me in his own words that 'he wanted to see what was out there' This had been on his mind but he said that when we saw each other he would know for sure. I was naturally devastated. This seemed so out of the blue. Yes he had been on holiday and been distracted by old friends in his life and had less time to chat to me but I thought that was just him being busy. I didn't think that he's had a change of heart. I was heartbroken. We discussed things and I even considered going casual or being friends for fear of losing him. After our amazing week he changed his mind a few times.

I felt all over the place. When we were together it was great but I didn't know where I stood and what lay in our future. In the end I gave him an ultimatum and said that either it's me or 'the uni experience' if he didn't choose me we'd never see each other again and that'd be the end. He chose uni.

Since he went to uni, he called me 3 times. I didn't pick up the first time, then picked up the second and third time. I missed him and felt lonely. when he called the second time he said he missed me and I gave him another ultimatum because nothing had happened yet. He said he still didn't know what he wanted. He called again 2 weeks later. Reluctantly after much persuasion, he told me how in Fresher's Week he slept with 5 girls. This broke my heart. He told me that he thinks he loves me and that he wants to try a relationship maybe. I asked him when and he said 'when he stops having fun.' He wants to sleep around but he also wants to be with me. He said that he had wanted to hear my voice and that he was developing 'strong feelings' for me. I was heartbroken that he could sleep with lots of people and yet be in love with me at the same time. If you loved someone surely you wouldn't be able to do it. If he had no feelings for me I'd understand that he'd moved on. I yelled shouted and screamed this at him over the phone in tears and told him to leave me alone. What hurt me more was the fact that being such a 'lad' was quite proud of himself. Fair enough if he didn't have feelings for me.

I am heart broken. I am exhausted with feeling like this. I think about us all the time. Even when we talk, we talk about all our good times and he talks about how special his time with me was. He clearly isn't ready for a relationship and has been honest with me and told me how he feels. He hasn't technically done anything wrong as he hasn't cheated but that doesn't stop me hurting. I just can't let go knowing that he still has feelings for me. What can I do?

H xxx

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Reply 1

danny111

You know the answer just as much as we do.

Reply 2

medicine gapper

but he's so 'hot' let me agree with the **** he does.

you know exactly what to do.

Reply 3

InnerTemple

Original post by Anonymous

What can I do?

H xxx

Hi H,

I would strongly advise that you get rid of him. Given the past instances of him working his way back into your life, I would further advise that you cut all contact. While this will be tough for you, you should think long term - you will move on from this.

Essentially, he is mucking you around. It is quite astonishing for him to have said that he will try at a relationship when he "stops having fun." This sentiment is terrible. Maybe he is in a tough situation: he has found a girl he really likes (you) but he wants to have his fun. Unfortunately life does not always allow one to have their cake and eat it.

Even if you did decide to allow him to muck you around and to try being together in the future, I suspect that the relationship would run into trouble. You will probably always be upset about his behaviour at present - this will manifest itself in the future in the form of trust issues and general animosity towards him.

So, clear advice: get rid and find someone who can actually commit to an exclusive relationship.

All the best,

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by danny111

You know the answer just as much as we do.

Original post by medicine gapper

but he's so 'hot' let me agree with the **** he does.

you know exactly what to do.

It has nothing to do with him being hot. Yes he's hurt me again and again but I just keep thinking of all the good stuff and wonder if cutting him out of my life is the best thing for me or the right thing to do. I know it's the right thing to do but I feel like without him something's missing. I know he feels the same, but not enough to be with me now.

Reply 5

medicine gapper

Original post by Anonymous

I know I did the right thing. I keep telling myself that next time he calls I won't pick up but he always seems to call when I am down or having a tough day and he's a great listener and can cheer me up. He doesn't mind me venting and is interested in hearing about my day etc when everyone else in my life just gets bored and doesn't care.

It has nothing to do with him being hot. Yes he's hurt me again and again but I just keep thinking of all the good stuff and wonder if cutting him out of my life is the best thing for me or the right thing to do. I know it's the right thing to do but I feel like without him something's missing. I know he feels the same, but not enough to be with me now.

if he doesn't respect you enough to keep hurting you, what does that say about his perception of you ?

don't put guys on the pedestal.

don't put them on there!

i know how it feels. the trick is cut of all contact. it will hurt, but time will heal you. even if you go ' no it won't ' . just trust me. it will

you realise there will be many guys, who will show respect to you...and you'll wonder...why did i even like the other guy?

so use this time to build your self mentally, so you don't date a guy because you need him, but because you want him.

Reply 6

amyshamblesxx

You like him more than he likes you.

Don't speak to him again.

Reply 7

WildBerrySpirit

Distance yourself from him, and move on.

He doesn't love you. Sleeping with five girls should be proof enough for you.

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

Original post by InnerTemple

Thanks so much for your advice. I can see exactly what you're saying. He has often said that if he wasn't going to uni, he'd be with me with out a doubt but he wants to experience the 'uni experience.' That's something that he had wanted to do for years and has always looked forward to. Surely if you find the 'right person' that wouldn't matter, you'd just want to be with them and nothing else gets in the way.

I did think that. I thought that if we did get past this, I'd always think about what had happened. I know people can change and that you can learn from your past experiences but right now (it's only been one week) I feel so raw and hurt. When we were together we didn't have any trust issues, he was always honest about everything even little things that he knew may upset me. He didn't try and hide things. He is honest with me now too. So I do know where I stand But it devastates me whenever I think about it. He's told me to see other people and move on.

I did tell him that I wanted to find someone new that actually wanted to be with me. That was one of the last things I said to him.

Reply 9

Natster

Let him go and move on <3

Reply 10

InnerTemple

Original post by Anonymous

If he wants to have the 'uni experience' and he values this more than a relationship with you, then you are doing the right thing by letting go. I do question how your relationship with him would have progressed had he not gone to university. He seems open to temptation and willing to let the lure of other experiences come in between himself and the person he apparently loves.

People can indeed change. I am a big believer in people realising their mistakes and changing for the better. However it is often very hard to accept that someone will change. In this case, the 'wrong' that he done was personal - he slept around and showed very little respect for you. Even if you did manage to trust him not to do that again, it would be so very hard to move on from this.

I understand this hurts you. This sort of thing is never nice. You just have to remember that there is a future and that you are in the right position now to ensure that it is a bright one.

Reply 11

Linzikins

So you've been together like 5 months? Still in the 'honeymoon' stage and he has hurt you and slept around already?

Ditch him! Wanting a 'uni experience' is an absolutely ridiculous excuse to lead someone on, plenty of people in relationships still manage to go out drinking/clubbing etc and having fun without sleeping with other girls/boys. He doesn't want you, he wants to be single but have someone to turn to when he hasn't got anyone!

You should cut all contact, when you feel down go to your friends not him. I know it's hard but you'll soon realise you haven't lost anything and there will be someone who treats you better.

Reply 12

ageshallnot

Original post by Linzikins

You should cut all contact, when you feel down go to your friends not him. I know it's hard but you'll soon realise you haven't lost anything and there will be someone who treats you better.

If he keeps trying to contact you with his sh*t, then threaten to name and shame him on here - might restrict his chances at uni...

Reply 13

So Instinct

Original post by Anonymous

In Fresher's Week he slept with 5 girls. This broke my heart. He told me that he thinks he loves me and that he wants to try a relationship maybe. I asked him when and he said 'when he stops having fun.'

No. Just no.
Your his backup, once he has his 'fun' he can go back to you.
Tell him to **** off.
"I ****ed 5 girls, but I love you". Yeah right...

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 14

Solid.Snake

In my opinion, i think you deserve someone better than him.
Unless he changes his view of putting the "freshers experience" ahead of you, I think you should definitely move on from him...
I mean how can he sleep with five other girls and still turn around and say that he loves you?

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 15

Meeeee:)

Original post by So Instinct

No. Just no.
Your his backup, once he has his 'fun' he can go back to you.
Tell him to **** off.
"I ****ed 5 girls, but I love you". Yeah right...

This

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 16

dgeorge

Original post by Meeeee:)

This

Posted from TSR Mobile

I'm going to disagree. Love and lust are two different things.

Reply 17

username47781

Original post by Anonymous

He won't change, basically he wants to shag around and hope he can fall back on you when he does get back, he just wants to have his cake and eat it. You need to cut him out your life, he can't be such a nice person if he breaks your heart. Now that you have told him, now you need to cut him out your life.

Reply 18

dgeorge

@OP, he didn't break your heart, you did that yourself. He quite clearly said that he wanted you AND wanted to have other girls. It was your choice, and your choice solely, that you decided to come back to him and get hurt again and again.

With regards to the question about loving someone yet sleeping with someone else, it is entirely possible. You don't have to love someone to have sex with someone else, and you CAN have sex with someone while loving someone else.

You already know what you SHOULD do. YOU are the only one responsible for more pain if you do not do it

Reply 19

Flyinghearts

You should cut contact with him. It's not fair that you're the one getting hurt over all of this just because he can't make his mind up. He can't expect you to wait around until he's had his fun. You need somebody who will prioritise you rather than play around with your feelings. I know it's hard when you think of the good times but you really need to think about whether he's worth all the hurt and pain?