The Student Room Group

Normal start to a relationship? Would it be ok to go elsewhere for sex?

I reckon even the word 'seeing' is a loose description of what is going on with this guy. I met him just over a month ago, we went on one proper date and I had such a good time, he told me he thought I was really nice and cool and a couple of days later I got a text of his friend saying he really likes me, but since that first date we havnt really done anything proper, all we do is meet up on nights out and he sleeps at mine, I wouldn't call us 'f*ck buddies' as we have only had sex once and tbh we were too drunk that it didnt really work out, he just comes over we lie in bed and talk for a bit then just kiss and cuddle all night, its really sweet, I really like it and don't want it to stop anytime soon, I really like his company and enjoy having him him over, but I just don't know what the hell this is!

He doesn't seem ready for a relationship and thats fine with me im not bothered about labels or getting serious, but I just kind of feel that its not ok for me to get with other guys yet its not ok for me to say that im with someone at the same time? its totally confusing. My friend accidently referred to him as my boyfriend the other night and he looked quite taken aback, which makes me think if I was to ever ask him whats going on and if he ever see's this going anywhere that it would freak him out and make it sound like im asking to be his girlfriend which just isnt the case.

I don't want to cut him off as im hopeful that eventually it might go somewhere but at the same time I don't want to put my life on hold and miss out on other opportunities incase this doesnt work out. So would it be really bad to continue this kind of snuggle buddy thing while getting sex elsewhere? I am getting quite inpatient, I decided I didnt want to sleep with him again untill we are sober and we had gone on a proper date or something but god knows when that could be.

I just want to know if he actually likes me or what but im scared of asking, when we are together it seems like he does, he always calls me beautiful and is really sweet, I have never had a guy be like that with me, he just seems to genuinly want to cuddle and just sleep next to me, but then unless he wants to see me he hardly ever texts me and he hasnt suggested doing anything more datey at all which suggests that doesnt like me that much. Ive seen him make references on twitter and such to the "girl I like", I kind of just assumed it was about me as he tweets everything and as far as I know ive been the only girl he has mentioned on there in the past (he talked abotu looking forward to the date and stuff). But there is always a chance that im not that girl which im starting to think more and more!

I have never got in a relationship before, I am completely clueless and I just feel as if this isnt the right kind of start! Do any of you reckon it could go anywhere or by the sounds of it is he just not interested? Any suggestions on if I can find out if he is genuinly interested in me without just outright asking him? ...I have had other offers for sex and have turned them down, but its getting to the point now where I am questioning whether it wouldnt make a slight bit of differece whether I did or didnt.

Oh and also, he is 24 and im 19 if that makes any difference?

Sorry a bit of a long post! :smile::smile:
The only way you are going to resolve this. Is by expressing all of the above, to him, not TSR. The only advice i can give you is speak to him, alone, openly, honestly.

It's most likely that he's just as afraid to label all this as you are, he sounds like he's very inexperienced.

Yes, talking to him may scare him away and you won't drunkenly cuddle, but you aren't entirely happy in the current situation and it could also start a decent relationship!
Reply 2
Original post by ChrisLincoln
The only way you are going to resolve this. Is by expressing all of the above, to him, not TSR. The only advice i can give you is speak to him, alone, openly, honestly.

It's most likely that he's just as afraid to label all this as you are, he sounds like he's very inexperienced.

Yes, talking to him may scare him away and you won't drunkenly cuddle, but you aren't entirely happy in the current situation and it could also start a decent relationship!


Thanks for replying. :smile:

I know he has had atleast one serious girlfriend in the past so he cant be that inexperienced.

He is quite an odd character, a bit of a joker and a clown, he is quite hard to get serious with, wich is good for me as im pretty much the same im not really a serious person. So I just find the whole thought of trying to get him to discuss seriously whats going on a bit daunting!

I just really think asking him what he really thinks of me is going to scare him away, im really not bothered about getting into a relationship anytime soom but I think as soon as anything to do with thoughts and feelings about each other come up im sure thats what he will think im suggesting.
Original post by Anonymous
.......... but I just kind of feel that its not ok for me to get with other guys yet its not ok for me to say that im with someone at the same time? its totally confusing.


I think it might help to have a conversation with him about this very point. A similar thing happened to me before and I just brought it up in casual conversation that I had a rule that until someone asked to be my boyfriend, it wasn't exclusive. You wouldn't be trapping him into anything, you have your terms and he can take it or leave it. Although you say you're happy with not labeling things, there's obviously something about it that makes you uncomfortable or this would be a non-issue :smile:
Reply 4
Tell him that you wish to **** him, then proceed to **** him. All will be well in the world.
Reply 5
Have you asked him if he wants to do anymore date type things? Like asked him to go see a film, or go out for a meal or something?
Reply 6
Next time he asks to see you, suggest you do something else. Don't go over to his or let him come over to yours late at night (say it's not a good time, have to get up early whatever). Let's say he asks to see you tomorrow, ask him what he wants to do, and suggest a movie you want to see or to go for a meal. If he doesn't want to do any of this, he is not worth the time. If he actually takes you out somewhere, continue in this manner and get to know each other a bit better. Go for dinner, have a drink (tipsy is clue, not drunk), find out more about him. When you feel like you're actually "dating", and you're comfortable enough around him to talk honestly, you can do the entire "where do you see this going".

Thing is, so many girls say they "don't necessarily want a relationship", but then they want respect, they want to know 'where they stand' and they want to have a label. There are only so many 'arrangements' possible. Unless you are basic **** buddies or actually a couple, there will always be a grey area. If you're not together but sleeping together, you will continue to wonder whether he is seeing someone else, whether you can, how strong his feelings are etc. Some people settle for that uncertainty, but it seems you want to clear things up, otherwise you wouldn't have written the post. Very few people are comfortable seeing someone over a long time with no definitions whatsoever.
Reply 7
Original post by syrettd
Have you asked him if he wants to do anymore date type things? Like asked him to go see a film, or go out for a meal or something?


A couple of weeks ago I texted him asking if he wanted to do something at some point of the week and he said yeah and he would text me when he was free, I thought that was hint as in do something proper but it obviously wasnt as he just ended up texting me a couple of nights later asking for me to come out with him.

I have given up trying to sort anything by text anyway, our text conversations go nowhere and are dull, next time I see him im going to ask to go on a proper date again, just worried about getting rejected!
Reply 8
Original post by Millie228
Next time he asks to see you, suggest you do something else. Don't go over to his or let him come over to yours late at night (say it's not a good time, have to get up early whatever). Let's say he asks to see you tomorrow, ask him what he wants to do, and suggest a movie you want to see or to go for a meal. If he doesn't want to do any of this, he is not worth the time. If he actually takes you out somewhere, continue in this manner and get to know each other a bit better. Go for dinner, have a drink (tipsy is clue, not drunk), find out more about him. When you feel like you're actually "dating", and you're comfortable enough around him to talk honestly, you can do the entire "where do you see this going".

Thing is, so many girls say they "don't necessarily want a relationship", but then they want respect, they want to know 'where they stand' and they want to have a label. There are only so many 'arrangements' possible. Unless you are basic **** buddies or actually a couple, there will always be a grey area. If you're not together but sleeping together, you will continue to wonder whether he is seeing someone else, whether you can, how strong his feelings are etc. Some people settle for that uncertainty, but it seems you want to clear things up, otherwise you wouldn't have written the post. Very few people are comfortable seeing someone over a long time with no definitions whatsoever.


Thanks

Think it is too soon for the conversation about where we are at, well from his point of view anyway, I would be quite happy to have it now! Im going to try my best and make it happen that we have another date at some point.

Im not bothered about labels in a sense I want us to be 'facebook official' lol, as I don't think I ever would do that anyway, but yeh its just as you said to get rid of that feeling of uncertainity.

I have slept with someone else since meeting him and I felt ridiculously guilty but I think I kind of did that in spite, like I wasnt sure where things were going so I was a bit like 'well if he doesnt want me im sure others do!'. I regretted it at the time but looking back it kind of made me realise that it wasnt right and that I liked him more than I thought, a big part of me wanted to tell him just to see his reaction and see if it bothered him but then I decided thats probably a bit petty and would probably end badly.
Reply 9
Maybe he is trying to take things slowly with you as you're a bit younger than him and he doesn't want to rush you. Maybe he feels sex is something that should be shared between people who really care for each other rather than just something that happens at the end of every date. Can you really not go without sex for long enough to find out if this relationship is going somewhere?
Reply 10
Original post by jami74
Maybe he is trying to take things slowly with you as you're a bit younger than him and he doesn't want to rush you. Maybe he feels sex is something that should be shared between people who really care for each other rather than just something that happens at the end of every date. Can you really not go without sex for long enough to find out if this relationship is going somewhere?


I do think he values sex quite highly, although when we first slept together he was the one asking and I was the one saying I think its best to wait as guys have a tendency to ditch girls who sleep with them so early, he told me that I was being silly and that he wouldn't do that, he also referred to it as 'making love' which was a bit cringy lol but I guess strangely sweet. We don't sleep together after every date, usually nothing sexual really happens.

I can obviously go without sex, in a strange way I think it might be kind of a personal deffence thing, I have had a awful history with guys, I always meet someone and get all happy and excited over them and genuinly think its going somewhere and in the end im always just felt feeling dissapointed, used and embarrased, I guess my thinking is if I down play the whole 'relationship' and not invest so much thoughts and feelings to just him and allow myself to get to know other people, then if I do suddenly get ditched and it all goes t*ts up then I can kind of say "oh well, its not like I cared that much or put my life on hold for him" kind of thing? - I realise that came accross very very twisted lol, but I can't stress just how bad my luck with guys has been!
Did you talk to him in the end?! Are you together now?


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

Quick Reply

Latest