Would you date a person with self-harm scars?
So I know this girl (close friend) who has scars along her thighs and arms, they're not that many if you look at them alone but when you see all the other scars they seem to accumulate to quite a bit. (ie. 30?) They're not too deep that they look ghastly but they're significant. And I don't know, I mean she only had one boyfriend and is thinking of laser treatment or chemical peels for them because of that. She doesn't do it anymore now though but thinks because they're there that means she'll never be able to live 'normally'. So, I don't know what to say or do, but really I'd just like to know if anyone would date or even marry a person with self-harm scars?
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I would, but maybe that's because I have self harm scars (on my arm) myself.
The scars would only make me more intrigued and make the person more interesting/curious, and I would care about them, I would be proud of them for overcoming what troubles they had in the past.. for growing from the experience into something more beautiful, and I'll see them as strong for doing so. All these things are therefore attractive to me. I won't judge them for their past but instead see strength in it, and appreciate it's made them the person they are today. Physically, it won't be a turn off either - they'll still be beautiful to me. And to be honest, a person should love you for who you are and if they don't then they're not the one for you.
There are many understanding, compassionate and non-judgmental people out there, so tell her there is lots of hope. Her scars are just a small part of who she is - there is so much more about her to fall in love with. 
I don't know, to me it'll be really sad to miss out on an amazing and beautiful person just because of their self harm scars. Besides, we all have scars.. it's just hers would be more visible/external than other types of scars (internal).
The scars would only make me more intrigued and make the person more interesting/curious, and I would care about them, I would be proud of them for overcoming what troubles they had in the past.. for growing from the experience into something more beautiful, and I'll see them as strong for doing so. All these things are therefore attractive to me. I won't judge them for their past but instead see strength in it, and appreciate it's made them the person they are today. Physically, it won't be a turn off either - they'll still be beautiful to me. And to be honest, a person should love you for who you are and if they don't then they're not the one for you.
There are many understanding, compassionate and non-judgmental people out there, so tell her there is lots of hope. Her scars are just a small part of who she is - there is so much more about her to fall in love with. I don't know, to me it'll be really sad to miss out on an amazing and beautiful person just because of their self harm scars. Besides, we all have scars.. it's just hers would be more visible/external than other types of scars (internal).
Yes I would, I have them myself so would be double standards if I didnt! What would put me off is if they were still self harming, its just too difficult to deal with for me.
When you date someone you are dating the whole person - not just their scars. To me it's not a deciding factor at all.
Scars can just represent past - everyone's got history so who are we to judge someone just because their history is more obvious than others?
If someone has actually managed to overcome self harm I think that says more about the individual than anything. It shows their strength, determination and motivation to improve their own lives and move forward with recovery which are amazing characteristics and show true will-power.
Scars can just represent past - everyone's got history so who are we to judge someone just because their history is more obvious than others?
If someone has actually managed to overcome self harm I think that says more about the individual than anything. It shows their strength, determination and motivation to improve their own lives and move forward with recovery which are amazing characteristics and show true will-power.
Original post by ViceVersa
I would, but maybe that's because I have self harm scars (on my arm) myself.
The scars would only make me more intrigued and make the person more interesting/curious, and I would care about them, I would be proud of them for overcoming what troubles they had in the past.. for growing from the experience into something more beautiful, and I'll see them as strong for doing so. All these things are therefore attractive to me. I won't judge them for their past but instead see strength in it, and appreciate it's made them the person they are today. Physically, it won't be a turn off either - they'll still be beautiful to me. And to be honest, a person should love you for who you are and if they don't then they're not the one for you. There are many understanding, compassionate and non-judgmental people out there, so tell her there is lots of hope. Her scars are just a small part of who she is - there is so much more about her to fall in love with.
I don't know, to me it'll be really sad to miss out on an amazing and beautiful person just because of their self harm scars. Besides, we all have scars.. it's just hers would be more visible/external than other types of scars (internal).
The scars would only make me more intrigued and make the person more interesting/curious, and I would care about them, I would be proud of them for overcoming what troubles they had in the past.. for growing from the experience into something more beautiful, and I'll see them as strong for doing so. All these things are therefore attractive to me. I won't judge them for their past but instead see strength in it, and appreciate it's made them the person they are today. Physically, it won't be a turn off either - they'll still be beautiful to me. And to be honest, a person should love you for who you are and if they don't then they're not the one for you.
There are many understanding, compassionate and non-judgmental people out there, so tell her there is lots of hope. Her scars are just a small part of who she is - there is so much more about her to fall in love with. I don't know, to me it'll be really sad to miss out on an amazing and beautiful person just because of their self harm scars. Besides, we all have scars.. it's just hers would be more visible/external than other types of scars (internal).
Sweet.
I did date somone with scares for a long time who was still self harming partly into our relationship. I dont see anything negative about it; they have had a rough patch in their life and are working through it.
Instead of staying clear of them you could just offer a sholder to cry on and try to help them (not forceivly) get better.
Instead of staying clear of them you could just offer a sholder to cry on and try to help them (not forceivly) get better.
(edited 11 years ago)
I would 
Although I don't have self harm scars, but I have other scars some me not liking the looks of. But I judge the person more to their personality and I honestly see things such as scars as a really minor thing. At the end of the day, you love a person no matter what. My ex-girlfriend had serious eczema on one hand, which most people thought was weird but I was like "so what" and she was a brilliant person to be around. Life is too short to not want to date someone due to "cosmetic features"
Although I don't have self harm scars, but I have other scars some me not liking the looks of. But I judge the person more to their personality and I honestly see things such as scars as a really minor thing. At the end of the day, you love a person no matter what. My ex-girlfriend had serious eczema on one hand, which most people thought was weird but I was like "so what" and she was a brilliant person to be around. Life is too short to not want to date someone due to "cosmetic features"
I would have no issue with dating someone with self harm scars as I do have them myself so I know where she's coming from... But im with someone right now and you just have to tell the person your with "this was me but I don't do that anymore"
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It would give me some pause for thought. The scars are reflective of someone's mental state, at least at a point in the past, even if not now. I'm not sure that it's necessarily a problem, but I'd want to be fairly convinced that they'd moved on.
No, I wouldn't. I am aware that some have had issues and recovered and become a new person, but in general, I would prefer someone who's not likely to struggle mentally. Those who have had issues themselves will probably think differently, but as long as I can choose, I would prefer for my partner not to have that kind of problems. I think that's natural.
There are always negs from people who think other people are not allowed to have preferences if it excludes them. I am obviously not saying people who have been cutting themselves are worth less than others. But of all the positives and negatives you bring to a relationships, there is no doubt it falls on the negative side. To believe otherwise is naive and delusional. That doesn't mean you won't find love - someone in the same situation will understand where you're coming from better.
For the 'love is blind' arguments - I highly doubt the aesthetics is a problem, I obviously don't mind to look at the scars. It's the reason they are there which is the problem.
If I can choose, I would prefer to date someone who does not have mental problems. I would not date someone with a drug problems either, so it's not the method of dealing with things in particular that is the problem. To experience some kind of minor depression at some point in your life is normal, but I don't think that person would categorized as "mentally ill". Self harm indicates that depression has gone much further.
Nobody's perfect, but there are other 'issues' that are more normal to deal with in relationships than severe depression, paranoia, schizophrenia etc. Being mentally ill is not the 'norm', so I would not categorize the preference to date 'happy' people as abnormal.
People with mental issues deserve help, and I will always be supportive to a friend going through something. That is a different issue altogether though - nobody should feel obligated to date someone else to help them with their mental state. Support and romantic love are two different things. Romantic love includes support, but you can easily offer the support without romantic love.
There are always negs from people who think other people are not allowed to have preferences if it excludes them. I am obviously not saying people who have been cutting themselves are worth less than others. But of all the positives and negatives you bring to a relationships, there is no doubt it falls on the negative side. To believe otherwise is naive and delusional. That doesn't mean you won't find love - someone in the same situation will understand where you're coming from better.
For the 'love is blind' arguments - I highly doubt the aesthetics is a problem, I obviously don't mind to look at the scars. It's the reason they are there which is the problem.
If I can choose, I would prefer to date someone who does not have mental problems. I would not date someone with a drug problems either, so it's not the method of dealing with things in particular that is the problem. To experience some kind of minor depression at some point in your life is normal, but I don't think that person would categorized as "mentally ill". Self harm indicates that depression has gone much further.
Nobody's perfect, but there are other 'issues' that are more normal to deal with in relationships than severe depression, paranoia, schizophrenia etc. Being mentally ill is not the 'norm', so I would not categorize the preference to date 'happy' people as abnormal.
People with mental issues deserve help, and I will always be supportive to a friend going through something. That is a different issue altogether though - nobody should feel obligated to date someone else to help them with their mental state. Support and romantic love are two different things. Romantic love includes support, but you can easily offer the support without romantic love.
(edited 11 years ago)
Scars, yes. Assuming they were open about the problem they had and explained how we could avoid it repeating in the future.
Fresh cuts, no. Because at this precise time I just don't think I could take on a troubled person in a relationship. Mainly due to the fact that they will need alot of time and emotional support and my priorities are with my studies.
Fresh cuts, no. Because at this precise time I just don't think I could take on a troubled person in a relationship. Mainly due to the fact that they will need alot of time and emotional support and my priorities are with my studies.
There's nothing different to a person who cuts, than with a person who drinks to deal with their problems. Or somebody who gambles. Some people hit the gym 10 times a week to distract themselves from their problems. Just because cutting provides a visual scar does not mean that they are any different to others who struggle with life's demands and issues.
If you like the girl, go for it. If she's the one for you you'll be with her despite the scars; past, present or future.
Love is blind. Isn't that the saying?
Love is supposed to make us impervious to another's so called "imperfections".
If you like the girl, go for it. If she's the one for you you'll be with her despite the scars; past, present or future.
Love is blind. Isn't that the saying?
Love is supposed to make us impervious to another's so called "imperfections".
Original post by Anonymous
So I know this girl (close friend) who has scars along her thighs and arms, they're not that many if you look at them alone but when you see all the other scars they seem to accumulate to quite a bit. (ie. 30?) They're not too deep that they look ghastly but they're significant. And I don't know, I mean she only had one boyfriend and is thinking of laser treatment or chemical peels for them because of that. She doesn't do it anymore now though but thinks because they're there that means she'll never be able to live 'normally'. So, I don't know what to say or do, but really I'd just like to know if anyone would date or even marry a person with self-harm scars?
yes it's not like the scars are going to be hideous. it also shows the person is IN a vulnerable so it would be rude to say no.
Tbh i don't care if they did have them or not.. it's not a deciding factor.
As I am an ex cutter myself, it would not be a problem. Person self harming right now would, as I think I am in no mental state to handle it. But honestly if the person is right for me I think it would not matter that much either.
I would. I've never done anything like that myself but I can understand that someone else's life would be more difficult. I don't approve of self-harm though.
It would be slightly off-putting, but if it was a while ago and I thought it could work it wouldn't bother me.
However self-harm scars do portray a certain type of person; someone suffering from depression that gets a rush from drawing their own blood, or they are doing it for attention (not as common as most claim). Usually a result of dissociation with the world around them (very similar to alcohol/drug abuse). If they have not completely moved on they will have a tendency to be clingy, which is one of the most off-putting of all traits in any relationship (in my eyes).
However self-harm scars do portray a certain type of person; someone suffering from depression that gets a rush from drawing their own blood, or they are doing it for attention (not as common as most claim). Usually a result of dissociation with the world around them (very similar to alcohol/drug abuse). If they have not completely moved on they will have a tendency to be clingy, which is one of the most off-putting of all traits in any relationship (in my eyes).
(edited 11 years ago)
yup because im dating them for them not for the body they have
You should talk to her about it. She probably already knows what your wondering, and to bring it up and discuss it will give you your answer of if you feel comfortable enough to be with her or not
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Only scars I have are results of accidents or stupidity, so I can't put myself in their shoes.
But yes, definitely! It wouldn't matter to me, as far as i'm concerned I'd like to think I'd make her happier and give her some support so she wouldn't turn to self harm (if she still did).
But yeah, that's not an issue at all.
But yes, definitely! It wouldn't matter to me, as far as i'm concerned I'd like to think I'd make her happier and give her some support so she wouldn't turn to self harm (if she still did).
But yeah, that's not an issue at all.
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