not looking for a boyfriend hasn't worked

...I still don't understand why you think I came off as bad in those posts, I don't see it. Who said anything about wanting a relationship? I wouldn't mind one if it came by but that's all, what I'm puzzled at is why it hasn't happened for me and has for most people. If I carry on this way it's only a matter of time I'll get depressed/lonely because of it and miss out on a major life experience.

No one has ever shown any romantic interest in me. If it's so good then why is everyone else not having any problems? I'm not really lonely, I just want to understand what it is that's making me different.

I'm unemployed and not in education, I go out with friends, I go to life drawing and I work on projects that involve meeting and working with new people.




...I still don't understand why you think I came off as bad in those posts, I don't see it. Who said anything about wanting a relationship? I wouldn't mind one if it came by but that's all, what I'm puzzled at is why it hasn't happened for me and has for most people. If I carry on this way it's only a matter of time I'll get depressed/lonely because of it and miss out on a major life experience.

It's probably not a reflection on you, sometimes I am too quick to make a judgement. I got the impression initially you had an attitude problem, but I've since re-evaluated and rebuked my statement.

There are a lot of lonely boys and girls who feel exactly the same as you I'm afraid, it's one of life's great cruelties. Hey I came to university and everyone seemed to have relationships but me, so you're not the only one. I guess rather than me saying it will happen for you, make it happen for yourself, get out and meet people, that's the only way. But you're not the only one.

Either its blind (un)luck, or there is something that pushes others away from you. When you say that you go out where do you go?

Go out with one of the 100 nice guy friends you have that you've friendzoned

Hmm, well I never thought of having a boyfriend until I turned 20 and was reminded by others that it's not normal to have gone this far without having one. When I interact with guys I never try to make it go anywhere, I do have good male friends though.

I think that 'not looking for a boyfriend' in attempt to get a boyfriend generally doesn't work. I know you say you're "not even that desperate right now" but I just think the nature of the post states maybe otherwise, subconsciously.

I never thought of having a boyfriend until I turned 20 and was reminded by others that it's not normal to have gone this far without having one.

You seemed much nicer in that last post. You see. Good girl. And you're not the only one on TSR who wants a relationship. Just try to meet more people I guess in whatever way you can. Best of luck.

I wasn't too fussed and didn't think much about boyfriends too all these years, nothing happened. I'm fairly confident, hasn't changed anything. I've got good friends though

It's bad advice, or at least incomplete advice.

Erw ok as much as I can see you're trying to be nice she is definitely not a little puppy dog.

Stop telling her to be a good girl...

I could write a whole book on this, and maybe someday, I will.

The truth is you have to strike a balance between being proactive and beng nonchalant. It's like football. You have to create OPPORTUNITIES, but not actually go for goal 'cos that's man job.

First off, if your current beliefs about men and dating (which people DO subliminally pick up on) are not working for you then you MUST have the humility to accept that you've gone wrong somewhere; that your current programming is flawed.

Changing your thinking patterns elicits one profound response, and that's resistance. Very few people truly take responsibility for their lives, romantically or otherwise. It's so much easier to blame external factors, blame porn, blame where you live, blame MEN themselves. It's all excuse after excuse with most people. 'Cos change is hard and takes you right out of your comfort zone. It's tough! But if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. Which in this case is nothin'.

Doing/thinking any of that is totally toxic to your ability to attract dates. As I said before, people can pick up on your attitude and if it's a bad one, stemming from a deep down belief that 'I'm not good enough' or 'all men want prettier girls' or 'all they want is sex' or whatever, you WILL indirectly push prospects away without even realising it.

Most people think that meeting someone special is luck of the draw, hence the 'sit back and wait' philosophy. But it's not as simple as random selection. The people in your sphere are there because of YOU, who you are, what you do, what you BELIEVE about men and the world. Your current reality stems from your current constitution, much of which was established during childhood, so that would be my first port of call.

Seriously, you can't afford to skimp on this 'inner' stuff. Look at other departments of your life. What's working, what isn't? What have you been ignoring the signs of all along? Invest in all aspects of your reality - friends, hobbies, dreams. This is what people mean to say when they tell you to 'focus on other things'. It means, build a life that a potential boyfriend will WANT to be a part of. Have more to say than 'I like nights in, nights out and TOWIE'. That's why 'not looking' WORKS if you're genuinely not NOT looking in order to get a boyfriend. You can't trick your way around this, it has to be authentic. Everyone wants to be with someone who is fully engaged in their own life. Remember, a relationship should be a cherry and not the whole cake.

Next, what do you look like? Don't be shy, now. Do you exercise regularly to maintain a strong, healthy body or have you kind of piled on a few pounds, which you squeeze under granny pants in the hope no one notices? What haircut do you have? What's your clothing style? You market yourself 24/7, whether you want to or not. Everything - from what you eat to how you keep your room/car to how you THINK - has an impact. I'm guessing that you've been neglecting some aspect of your 'outer marketing'. You could have the most beautiful personality in the world, but ain't nobody gonna notice if you hide it under frumpy dresses and look at the ground when you're walking. Don't get obsessed with image, but DO pay attention to the details. Men like sparkle. When you make an effort - whatever that means for you, whether it's a quick swab of lip gloss or a top-to-toe job - you sparkle, and men notice that.

Now for practicalities... How often do you put yourself in situations where you might meet men? Because eligible men are EVERYWHERE. People who say things like 'you can't meet decent me in clubs' are just making an excuse like I mentioned before. Whether it's at the bar or in the grocery store, opportunities exist. They exist alright, and it's up to you to capitalise on them by making sure that the message you're sending out is 'I'm open to offers and you'd be an idiot to pass this up', instead of 'I'm scared of intimacy/you probably won't fancy me anyway/I'm waiting for a relationship to make it right for me'.

And the best way to send out this subliminal message is to have a genuinely fulfilling life, chocka-full of activities you enjoy, friends who you respect and, hopefully, a career that engages you. If you're not feelin' that, then that's up to YOU to change. It's your responsibility to build a life of goodness that a guy will be excited to be a part of.

As a female, you're naturally attractive. But I sense you're probably getting in your own way with your negative belief patterns. Or, a combination of that and not putting in enough effort to take proper care of yourself from the inside out. About 70% of your problems with not attracting men will stem from your beliefs, and only you can fix it. The remaining 30% will be how you market yourself.

But it demands a long, hard look at yourself to identify what it is about your life that needs to well and truly jog on. And it's not about self-judgement; it's about AWARENESS. It's about understanding that you're a product of your beliefs and that you can take control of them now, if you have the courage to sit in the driver's seat of your own development.

... so yeah. That's what I got.

I meet a lot of people, I don't think that's the problem. Is there anything else?

When I was 16 I was given the advice to not look for a boyfriend but to live life and enjoy it, and it will just happen, as long as I was confident and not 'desperate'. I'm 20 now and it hasn't happened (It's happened to everyone I know though).

Hmm...seems like it was bad advice. Just to let you know not to follow it or give it to people.

When I was 16 I was given the advice to not look for a boyfriend but to live life and enjoy it, and it will just happen, as long as I was confident and not 'desperate'. I'm 20 now and it hasn't happened (It's happened to everyone I know though).

Hmm...seems like it was bad advice. Just to let you know not to follow it or give it to people.

Did you misunderstand the advice? Being advised to not going out specifically looking for a boyfriend does not mean you don't go out at all. It just means you shouldn't obsess over HAVING to find Mr Right every single time you go out.

You still need to go out and do all the right things: socialise with friends, join societies, go to the pub, smile at strangers in bars, aim to meet 5 new people every week, seach for common interests with everyone you talk to, flirt with anyone you find attractive, etc.

Just because it's very common to have had a boyfriend by 20, that doesn't make it abnormal that you haven't. It's totally normal! And really not a big deal.
Maybe you should try making it go somewhere with guys that you are interested in. I mean, surely you've fancied some, right? I don't see the harm in a little flirting. It doesn't even have to go anywhere. I don't know if maybe you're coming off as totally uninterested to people, which is maybe why you're having trouble.

We're you expecting that some dreamy stranger would approach you and you'd be swept off your feet?

I think the advice isn't saying do nothing. It's saying that you shouldn't worry so much. These things just happen, even when you're not expecting it. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't go out and meet new people to improve your chances. The right guy will come, just you wait and see.

And be sure to come back to tell us how it goes okay? It's always nice to see happy endings on this part of the forum.

...

I know that whenever I'm not looking for a boyfriend one seems to come along. But I think that's because at those times I come across as a confident, happy person who's comfortable and happy with myself and my life.

I used to think the same as the advice you were given. But now I think that you can't just do nothing about it. If you really want a boyfriend then you do need to do some things: You need confidence and basically the things I described at the beginning of this post for people to be more attracted to you.

Ahh who knows. I suppose you need to be in the right time at the right place to meet someone, it's all just down to luck at the end of the day.

At the moment I don't have a boyfriend, nor am I looking for one. So I'll let you know if one magically appears!

there's a fine balance between not looking and not trying...

It does seem that when you're not actively seeking a relationship someone comes along... but its not as simple as that... not looking doesn't mean don't act if you do come across someone you're attracted to... sometimes you can not look too well and come across like you're not interested at all in being approached.

Also, consciously "not looking" is a bit of a contradiction... you're not looking because you are hoping for something... therefore in a way, you are looking.