Please Grade My Commentary

Hi everyone!
I have given the question and the commentary below. Please grade/comment on my commentary. I wonder with such a commentary(by improving it) if i will be able to get an A grade in the Nov 2013 session

(b) Comment closely on the presentation of Jane’s flight from Thornfield in the following passage.

'Drearily I wound my way downstairs: I knew what I had to do, and I did it mechanically. I sought the key of the side-door in the kitchen; I sought, too, a phial of oil and a feather; I oiled the key and the lock. I got some water, I got some bread: for perhaps I should have to walk far; and my strength, sorely shaken of late, must not break down. All this I did without one sound. I opened the door, passed out, shut it softly. Dim dawn glimmered in the yard. The great gates were closed and locked; but a wicket in one of them was only latched. Through that I departed: it, too, I shut; and now I was out of Thornfield.

A mile off, beyond the fields, lay a road which stretched in the contrary direction to Millcote; a road I had never travelled, but often noticed, and wondered where it led: thither I bent my steps. No reflection was to be allowed now: not one glance was to be cast back; not even one forward. Not one thought was to be given either to the past or the future. The first was a page so heavenly sweet – so deadly sad – that to read one line of it would dissolve my courage and break down my energy. The last was an awful blank: something like the world when the deluge was gone by.

I skirted fields and hedges and lanes till after sunrise. I believe it was a lovely summer morning: I know my shoes, which I had put on when I left the house, were soon wet with dew. But I looked neither to rising sun, nor smiling sky, nor wakening nature. He who is taken out to pass through a fair scene to the scaffold, thinks not of the flowers that smile on his road, but of the block and axe-edge; of the disseverment of bone and vein; of the grave gaping at the end: and I thought of drear flight and homeless wandering – and oh! with agony I thought of what I left. I could not help it. I thought of him now – in his room – watching the sunrise; hoping I should soon come to say I would stay with him and be his. I longed to be his; I panted to return: it was not too late. I could yet spare him the bitter pang of bereavement. As yet my flight, I was sure, was undiscovered. I could go back and be his comforter – his pride; his redeemer from misery, perhaps from ruin. Oh, that fear of his self-abandonment – far worse than my abandonment – how it goaded me! It was a barbed arrowhead in my breast; it tore me when I tried to extract it; it sickened me when remembrance thrust it farther in. Birds began singing in brake and copse: birds were faithful to their mates; birds were emblems of love. What was I? In the midst of my pain of heart and frantic effort of principle, I abhorred myself. I had no solace from self-approbation: none even from self-respect. I had injured – wounded – left my master. I was hateful in my own eyes. Still I could not turn, nor retrace one step. God must have led me on. As to my own will or conscience, impassioned grief had trampled one and stifled the other. I was weeping wildly as I walked along my solitary way; fast, fast I went like one delirious. A weakness, beginning inwardly, extending to the limbs, seized me, and I fell; I lay on the ground some minutes, pressing my face to the wet turf. I had some fear – or hope – that here I should die; but I was soon up, crawling forwards on my hands and knees, and then again raised to my feet – as eager and as determined as ever to reach the road.

When I got there, I was forced to sit to rest me under the hedge; and while I sat I heard wheels, and saw a coach come on. I stood up and lifted my hand; it stopped. I asked where it was going: the driver named a place a long way off, and where I was sure Mr Rochester had no connexions. I asked for what sum he would take me there; he said thirty shillings; I answered I had but twenty; well, he would try to make it do. He further gave me leave to get into the inside, as the vehicle was empty: I entered, was shut in, and it rolled on its way.

Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agonized as in that hour left my lips; for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.'

My Commentary:
{And here is my commentary on the jane's passage. Grade it and comment on it.

'The passage describes Jane’s flight from Thornfiled in a grievous tone, evident from the very first word in the passages ‘Drearily’ which indicates that Jane was feeling immensely miserable. The fact that she did everything ‘mechanically’ means that Jane’s moral standard was very high due to which she could not remain in Thornfield after knowing that Rochester had already got a wife. She did not need to think what she would do now; her mind already knew that she had to leave Thornfield.
She was devastated but nevertheless determined in her intention. Thus she left Thornfield quite prepared for her journey, so that her ‘strength, sorely shaken of late’ would not ‘beak down.’ That she did everything ‘without one sound’ and shut the door ‘softly’ indicates that she actually wanted to leave Thornfiled without Rochester stopping her. She knew that if Rochester were present, he would beg her to stay with him. She also had an idea that his misery when he saw her going would be unbearable to her and could perhaps even persuade her to stay in Thornfield.
Jane’s heart-wrenching flight is contested with the ‘Dim dawn’ that ‘glittered in the yard.’ Whereas the view of dim dawn is soothing to the senses, Jane’s flight is portrayed as its complete opposite: saddening and agonizing. The dim dawn also presents the general idea of a birth of a new day. This appears in stark contrast to Jane’s leaving Thornfield, which, metaphorically speaking would be tantamount to the death of Jane and Rochester’s love. These contrasting points emphasize the disturbing nature of her flight.
The second paragraph of the passage focuses on Jane’s thoughts and actions immediately after getting out of Thornfield. She took that road about which she had often ‘wondered where it led.’ The road symbolizes new circumstances and new opportunities which Jane is to face later in the novel when she would meet her cousins and come to know of her uncle’s will.
The paradoxical description of her past as ‘heavenly sweet’ and ‘deadly sad’ and its metaphorical description as a page whose even one line ‘would dissolve’ her ‘courage and break down’ her ‘energy’ depicts the tragic nature of her past which had fist given her the experience of profound love but had afterwards revealed the evil element in it. Her future is presented as the ruined place which remains after a flood. This simile signified that her future without Rochester would be terrifying and gloomy.
Again the contrasting presentation of the natural world’s beauty as opposed to Jane’s desolate condition serves to emphasize how painful and depressing her flight was. However, she did not look at the morning scene since she knew that the beautiful morning was contradictory to her inner condition which was weak and tense. The fact that she imagined Rochester expecting her back and that she also ‘longed to be his’ makes her flight look even more heartrending, keeping in mind that they both loved each other yet she had had to distance herself from him. Her longing for him is underpinned by her panting ‘to return’ and the thought that ‘it was not too late.’ The weakening in her determination was partly due to her own longing and partly due to the fear of ‘the bitter pang of bereavement’ he would feel at the revelation of her flight. This fear is metaphorically described as ‘a barbed arrowhead’ tearing though her. This metaphor indicates the extremely sharp nature of the angst she was experiencing, having left Rochester in Thornfield.
The faithfulness of birds to one another compels Jane to contemplate her own loyalty to Rochester through the rhetorical question ‘What was I?’ Though she knew that leaving Thornfield and Rochester was the morally right thing to do, she felt guilty about having left her ‘master.’ Her feeling of guilt leaves the reader in no doubt regarding her extreme faithfulness to Rochester.
Her immense suffering is underscored when she falls to the ground and both fears and hopes to die right there. The fear stems from the thought of departing form that world where she could, by some coincidence, still meet Rochester; the hope arose from the unbearable pain she was facing after leaving Rochester, thinking how much hurt he must be when he would learn of her flight.
Her progressively getting up from the ground and collecting her shattered determination very effectively shows her confused state of mind which had resulted form the prospect of parting form the only person she truly loved in her life. First she had left the house ‘mechanically.’ However, when she vividly imagined his dejected condition at her loss, she wanted to return to him immediately. But very soon she decided again to turn a deaf ear to her heart and instead listen entirely to her logic and her principles.
She sat in the coach because the coach was going to ‘a place a long way off.’ It means that she wanted to get as much away from Rochester as she possibly could in order to forget his memories and the related grief. Her condition, due to the enormous sorrow and perhaps also owing to the fall she had faced earlier, was probably very weak, both physically and psychologically, which the coach driver must have pitied, for he agreed to twenty shillings instead of the thirty he had originally demanded. Thus her condition indeed seems very deplorable.
In the last paragraph, which seems to be the most moving of all, Jane’s directly addressing the reader as ‘Gentle reader’ and her wishes that the reader ‘may never feel what’ she then felt highlights the enormity of her affliction. It indicates that her grief had increased so much that, unable to contain it, she was compelled to directly address the reader. This feeling of Jane’s helplessness engages the reader’s sympathy the most. Her good wishes for the ‘Gentle reader’ actually hint at the suffering that she was undergoing due to the guilt of hurting Rochester whom she loved with all her heart.'}

I would appreciate all your responses. :smile:

Thanks.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 1

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by methewthomson

The passage describes Jane’s flight from Thornfiled in a grievous tone, evident from the very first word in the passages ‘Drearily’ which indicates that Jane was feeling immensely miserable. The fact that she did everything ‘mechanically’ means that Jane’s moral standard was very high [Does it? I would actually suggest the opposite, there's an implied reluctance]due to which she could not remain in Thornfield after knowing that Rochester had already got a wife. She did not need to think what she would do now; her mind already knew that she had to leave Thornfield.[How is this presented to you? Consider the 'list' style that follows, and how it displays this lack of thought you've mentioned]
She was devastated but nevertheless determined in her intention. Thus[Try to stay in academic form]she left Thornfield quite prepared for her journey, so that her ‘strength, sorely shaken of late’ would not ‘beak down.’ That she did everything ‘without one sound’ and shut the door ‘softly’ indicates that she actually wanted to leave Thornfiled without Rochester stopping her.[Very good] She knew that if Rochester were present, he would beg her to stay with him. She also had an idea that his misery when he saw her going would be unbearable to her and could perhaps even persuade her to stay in Thornfield.[Very good again. Consider what this might indicate in terms of Jane's character/status]
Jane’s heart-wrenching [If you say it's heart wrenching, you have to say why] flight is contested [Did you mean contrasted?]with the ‘Dim dawn’ that ‘glittered in the yard.’ Whereas the view of dim dawn is soothing to the senses, Jane’s flight is portrayed as ~~its~~ the complete opposite: saddening and agonizing. The dim dawn also presents the general idea of a birth of a new day. This appears in stark contrast to Jane’s leaving Thornfield, which, metaphorically speaking would be tantamount to the death of Jane and Rochester’s love. These contrasting points emphasize the disturbing nature of her flight. [Worth saying more on this, perhaps what exactly is disturbing? Such as a feeling of it being unnatural.]
The second paragraph of the passage focuses on Jane’s thoughts and actions immediately after getting out of Thornfield. She took that road about which she had often ‘wondered where it led.’ The road symbolizes new circumstances and new opportunities which Jane is to face later in the novel when she would meet her cousins and come to know of her uncle’s will.[Why would the author choose to foreshadow events? Consider this in terms of conventions of Tragedy]
The paradoxical description of her past as ‘heavenly sweet’ and ‘deadly sad’ and its metaphorical description as a page whose even one line ‘would dissolve’ her ‘courage and break down’ her ‘energy’ depicts the tragic nature of her past which had fist given her the experience of profound love but had afterwards revealed the evil element in it. Her future is presented as the ruined place which remains after a flood. This simile signified that her future without Rochester would be terrifying and gloomy.[You could stylistically link this very good point to your past points by pointing out the repeated imagery of nature/weather, which would also flow nicely to the next point]

Again the contrasting presentation of the natural world’s beauty as opposed to Jane’s desolate condition serves to emphasize how painful and depressing her flight was. However, she did not look at the morning scene since she knew that the beautiful morning was contradictory to her inner condition which was weak and tense. The fact that she imagined Rochester expecting her back and that she also ‘longed to be his’ makes her flight look even more heartrending, keeping in mind that they both loved each other yet she had had to distance herself from him. Her longing for him is underpinned by her panting ‘to return’ and the thought that ‘it was not too late.’ The weakening in her determination was partly due to her own longing and partly due to the fear of ‘the bitter pang of bereavement’ he would feel at the revelation of her flight. This fear is metaphorically described as ‘a barbed arrowhead’ tearing though her. This metaphor indicates the extremely sharp nature of the angst she was experiencing, having left Rochester in Thornfield.[Worth mentioning that it has implications of being 'inflicted' rather than natural like the beauty around her]
The faithfulness of birds to one another compels Jane to contemplate her own loyalty to Rochester through the rhetorical question ‘What was I?’ Though she knew that leaving Thornfield and Rochester was the morally right thing to do, she felt guilty about having left her ‘master.’ Her feeling of guilt leaves the reader in no doubt regarding her extreme faithfulness to Rochester.[Whilst again contrasting with natural imagery]
Her immense suffering is underscored when she falls to the ground and both fears and hopes to die right there. The fear stems from the thought of departing form that world where she could, by some coincidence, still meet Rochester; the hope arose from the unbearable pain she was facing after leaving Rochester, thinking how much hurt he must be when he would learn of her flight.
Her progressively getting up from the ground and collecting her shattered determination very effectively shows her confused state of mind which had resulted form the prospect of parting form the only person she truly loved in her life. First she had left the house ‘mechanically.’ However, when she vividly imagined his dejected condition at her loss, she wanted to return to him immediately. But very soon she decided again to turn a deaf ear to her heart and instead listen entirely to her logic and her principles.[What implications does this have with the natural imagery in the passage?]
She sat in the coach because the coach was going to ‘a place a long way off.’ It means that she wanted to get as much away from Rochester as she possibly could in order to forget his memories and the related grief. Her condition, due to the enormous sorrow and perhaps also owing to the fall she had faced earlier, was probably very weak, both physically and psychologically, which the coach driver must have pitied, for he agreed to twenty shillings instead of the thirty he had originally demanded. Thus her condition indeed seems very deplorable.[What is this aimed at? Perhaps building an empathic response in the reader for Jane and making it clear she is the victim?]
In the last paragraph, which seems to be the most moving of all, Jane’s directly addressing the reader as ‘Gentle reader’ and her wishes that the reader ‘may never feel what’ she then felt highlights the enormity of her affliction. It indicates that her grief had increased so much that, unable to contain it, she was compelled to directly address the reader. [Very good]This feeling of Jane’s helplessness engages the reader’s sympathy the most. Her good wishes for the ‘Gentle reader’ actually hint at the suffering that she was undergoing due to the guilt of hurting Rochester whom she loved with all her heart.'}

It's got alot of very good points about the extract.

Stylistically, there are some major slips here. You seem to dance between tenses, try to stick to one. Saying 'Her condition is this' in one line, and in another saying 'She did this' in the next, is extremely conflicting. Try to pick one style and hold to it.

Alot of the time you're listing what has happened. Try to avoid that, and cut anything that doesn't help one of your academic points.

I also felt you could have focused the commentary around something. I felt that the most striking point of the extract was the nature imagery, and Jane's feeling of alienation from it. You could definitely mention this at the end of each paragraph, and build up to a fantastic conclusion.

You could also ease the reader into your essay with an introduction, simply saying something cursory such as 'This author is great, this is why they're great, and this extract is a great example of them being great'.

Needs more work, but it has elements of hitting the top assignment objectives.

Green means you can add/change this
Orange means you should consider rephrasing
Purple means it doesn't make sense

low E

Thank you very, :smile:

very much for replying and investing lots of your time in helping me!!!! :smile:

I am glad to read all the comments. :smile:

I have read your comments and will keep them in mind while commenting next time.
Would you please let me know what grade it could score in its initial form?I wonder whether it would actually get a 'low E'.

Thanks once again!

Reply 4

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by methewthomson

Thank you very, :smile:

very much for replying and investing lots of your time in helping me!!!! :smile:

I am glad to read all the comments. :smile:

Quote me for easier replies :biggrin:

I wouldn't give it a low E. It fits the AOs of a C-B, in my opinion, though that isn't as accurate as my usual marking as I didn't do a final mark, I'm quite busy today, just points to improve. It is good, there's just ample room for improvement.