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Female, bisexual, muslim!!!

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    #1

    Anon because I have my mates on here.

    I think the title explains everything.

    I just don't know whether I should tell my parents....they don't like me hanging around guys that often so most of my friends are girls but I have a fair amount of close guy friends as well.

    Thing is, I don't want to be bisexual. I'm so confused as to why I am this...is it because I've spent so much time around girls?

    I'm generally quite loud and laddish in a way because of my personality, which is why I get on with guys quite well, but I don't want to develop feelings for girls especially if they're my best friends!

    I'm not homophobic or anything, it just makes things slightly more difficult especially when there was one bisexual girl at my school ages ago and she got proper bullied about it.....no body knows about my sexuality and what with the religion as well I just don't know what to do?!??!

    Help appreciated
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Anon because I have my mates on here.

    I think the title explains everything.

    I just don't know whether I should tell my parents....they don't like me hanging around guys that often so most of my friends are girls but I have a fair amount of close guy friends as well.

    Thing is, I don't want to be bisexual. I'm so confused as to why I am this...is it because I've spent so much time around girls?

    I'm generally quite loud and laddish in a way because of my personality, which is why I get on with guys quite well, but I don't want to develop feelings for girls especially if they're my best friends!

    I'm not homophobic or anything, it just makes things slightly more difficult especially when there was one bisexual girl at my school ages ago and she got proper bullied about it.....no body knows about my sexuality and what with the religion as well I just don't know what to do?!??!

    Help appreciated
    Ha, I used to, and a little bit still do, feel the same way. But you have to understand your sexuality isn't a choice, and while you can choose to only express your sexuality heterosexually (i.e. choosing to only date men) you can't choose who you develop sexual attraction towards and fall in love with. So you may end up developing feelings for your best friends, but that really shouldn't be call for alarm. The real question is why you are denying your sexuality: because of the social stigma (bullying) and religious condemnation? You can't let these external factors influence your life. For example, if you met the perfect girl who you feel will meet all your psychological (and biological) needs but you rule her out because you're afraid of what your school friends or parents would think. Also, you may have probably noticed, but women are pretty awesome. And I'd hate to know you'd be missing out on a lot of great experiences because of your situation. You're not making yourself happy by restricting your bisexual expression. And as cliche as it might sound, you just have to be yourself. You can't actively suppress that side of yourself because of the stigma and pressures: it's not healthy.

    Are you only worried about your school friends and parents? Would you be fine expressing yourself in a different, more tolerant environment?
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Id and Ego seek)
    Ha, I used to, and a little bit still do, feel the same way. But you have to understand your sexuality isn't a choice, and while you can choose to only express your sexuality heterosexually (i.e. choosing to only date men) you can't choose who you develop sexual attraction towards and fall in love with. So you may end up developing feelings for your best friends, but that really shouldn't be call for alarm. The real question is why you are denying your sexuality: because of the social stigma (bullying) and religious condemnation? You can't let these external factors influence your life. For example, if you met the perfect girl who you feel will meet all your psychological (and biological) needs but you rule her out because you're afraid of what your school friends or parents would think. Also, you may have probably noticed, but women are pretty awesome. And I'd hate to know you'd be missing out on a lot of great experiences because of your situation. You're not making yourself happy by restricting your bisexual expression. And as cliche as it might sound, you just have to be yourself. You can't actively suppress that side of yourself because of the stigma and pressures: it's not healthy.

    Are you only worried about your school friends and parents? Would you be fine expressing yourself in a different, more tolerant environment?
    I am worried A LOT about what my parents will say....I think I could somehow manage at school because I am generally well-liked and have a good rep (or so I think!) but yeah it's just I feel awkward talking about it to people but I also don't want to be suppressed regarding my sexuality.
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    Yeah, if you told your parents, they're going to feel like it's the end of the world... So, I personally wouldn't, unless you're completely sure you know how they would react.

    My advice;

    1. Contact them, they won't shun you or anything like that, but try to help you/understand the context of your problems; ie. parents/religion etc.

    2. Ask these guys too, they can give you good advice.

    3. Do activities that you feel will keep your mind of "lesbian thoughts".

    You need to keep in mind that if you're still young, then these thoughts might just be temporary and eventually go away.

    As for the religion side of it, as long as you don't act on these thoughts, there's no sin in it.

    Prophet ( صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “God has forgiven my ummah for whatever crosses their mind so long as they do not speak of it or act upon it.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2528) and Muslim (127)]

    Al-Nawawi (رحيم الله) said:

    Whatever crosses a person’s mind, so long as he does not dwell/act on it or continue to think of it, he is forgiven for it, according to scholarly consensus, because it does not happen voluntarily and he has no way of avoiding it.
    - [Al-Adhkaar (p. 345)]
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    (Original post by Perseveranze)
    You need to keep in mind that if you're still young, then these thoughts might just be temporary and eventually go away.
    If all Muslims think this (as well as there being no actual sin involved in having such thoughts) why would her Muslim parents be upset? Surely it should be a non-issue.
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    I really do find it sad and quite worrying that people believe in a God that created them with an attribute that their God personally defines as unacceptable, and so actively risk their mental health by oppressing said attributes.
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    Tough situation but not uncommon. The worst thing you can do is feel "bad" about yourself and the way you are, its just you and you should be happy being you. Nobody has a right to judge you but God.

    Unless your parents have expressed that they're comfortable with homosexuality, I wouldn't recommend dropping it on them. Asian parents don't take these things well, from personal experience. This isn't so much because they're Muslim, its because they're Asian.
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    (Original post by antihero)
    Tough situation but not uncommon. The worst thing you can do is feel "bad" about yourself and the way you are, its just you and you should be happy being you. Nobody has a right to judge you but God.

    Unless your parents have expressed that they're comfortable with homosexuality, I wouldn't recommend dropping it on them. Asian parents don't take these things well, from personal experience. This isn't so much because they're Muslim, its because they're Asian.
    If the first is true, why is the second advised? Is this another case of cherry picking?
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    (Original post by Id and Ego seek)
    If all Muslims think this (as well as there being no actual sin involved in having such thoughts) why would her Muslim parents be upset? Surely it should be a non-issue.
    Just because her parents are Muslim, doesn't mean they will be understanding. Homosexuality is disliked in many cultures as well, and if her parents are more culturally influenced, then she'll have an extremely difficult time by telling them of her thoughts/feelings.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Perseveranze)
    Yeah, if you told your parents, they're going to feel like it's the end of the world... So, I personally wouldn't, unless you're completely sure you know how they would react.

    My advice;

    1. Contact them, they won't shun you or anything like that, but try to help you/understand the context of your problems; ie. parents/religion etc.

    2. Ask these guys too, they can give you good advice.

    3. Do activities that you feel will keep your mind of "lesbian thoughts".

    You need to keep in mind that if you're still young, then these thoughts might just be temporary and eventually go away.

    As for the religion side of it, as long as you don't act on these thoughts, there's no sin in it.

    Prophet ( صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “God has forgiven my ummah for whatever crosses their mind so long as they do not speak of it or act upon it.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2528) and Muslim (127)]

    Al-Nawawi (رحيم الله) said:

    Whatever crosses a person’s mind, so long as he does not dwell/act on it or continue to think of it, he is forgiven for it, according to scholarly consensus, because it does not happen voluntarily and he has no way of avoiding it.
    - [Al-Adhkaar (p. 345)]

    Thank you for the quotes and the links I'll check them out.

    Yeah I haven't actually done anything but naturally I've thought about it a lot.....just need to clear my head and really think about who I am and what I stand for if that makes sense.
    #2

    I'm in the exact same problem.

    Yeah I like guys, but sexually i find women ALOT more attractive. AND, I'm a muslim.
    Yeah I love Islam. So honestly speaking, I've just given up the idea of further pursuing my ''lesbian'' desires.

    When you love something, you sacrifice for it.

    I have complete faith in my religion and frankly do not give two ****s what anyone else has to say. Whether they feel it to be homophobic or whatever.

    I was born a muslim, but i've looked at other religions too. My parents arent conservative, but they certainly are NOT liberal enough to even THINK of me as having bisexual desires.

    On a completely serious note, Yeah when i get to uni in a couple of months I do think I'll end up doing something with a girl, and yes that does not make me a perfect muslim.
    But I'll try and keep away from it as much as possible. Thinking I'll do something, is very different from committing yourself to doing it.

    Again, if you love something, you sacrifice. The forbidden is more often than not, desired.
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    (Original post by Perseveranze)
    Just because her parents are Muslim, doesn't mean they will be understanding. Homosexuality is disliked in many cultures as well, and if her parents are more culturally influenced, then she'll have an extremely difficult time by telling them of her thoughts/feelings.
    That's my point: your quoting of scripture is irrelevant :rolleyes:
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    I read this post, and as a Muslim myself, tried to understand as well as I can where you're coming from. As someone said previously, as long as you don't act on the inclinations then it's fine and inshallah over time it will die down (esp if you said you don't actually want to be a homosexual). Tbh, one of my best friends is Muslim and bisexual, and as long as she recognises that Islam doesn't approve then I have no problem with it- accept what's happening but accept Islams perspective too. Everyone is different but personally I even known niqaabis who have been so segregated their whole lives that they eventually develop homosexual tendencies.
    At the end of the day, nobody can judge what you're going through.. Send me a message if you ever need an ear 😊


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    #3

    (Original post by soumiakarif)
    I read this post, and as a Muslim myself, tried to understand as well as I can where you're coming from. As someone said previously, as long as you don't act on the inclinations then it's fine and inshallah over time it will die down (esp if you said you don't actually want to be a homosexual). Tbh, one of my best friends is Muslim and bisexual, and as long as she recognises that Islam doesn't approve then I have no problem with it- accept what's happening but accept Islams perspective too. Everyone is different but personally I even known niqaabis who have been so segregated their whole lives that they eventually develop homosexual tendencies.
    At the end of the day, nobody can judge what you're going through.. Send me a message if you ever need an ear ������


    This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
    Mashallah sister, well said
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    (Original post by Perseveranze)


    3. Do activities that you feel will keep your mind of "lesbian thoughts".
    Im curious to hear what these activities are and where they are undertaken, local leisure centre?
    Does the quran prescribe these activities?

    (Original post by Perseveranze)

    . Even if you did enter hell (for sodomy), as long as you're a Muslim, you still eventually go to paradise.
    If she has lesbian sex, almost certainly she wont be thinking about 'sodomy' So presuambly the quran has no issue with lesbian sex?
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    (Original post by Perseveranze)
    Yeah, if you told your parents, they're going to feel like it's the end of the world... So, I personally wouldn't, unless you're completely sure you know how they would react.

    My advice;

    1. Contact them, they won't shun you or anything like that, but try to help you/understand the context of your problems; ie. parents/religion etc.

    2. Ask these guys too, they can give you good advice.

    3. Do activities that you feel will keep your mind of "lesbian thoughts".

    You need to keep in mind that if you're still young, then these thoughts might just be temporary and eventually go away.

    As for the religion side of it, as long as you don't act on these thoughts, there's no sin in it.

    Prophet ( صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) said: “God has forgiven my ummah for whatever crosses their mind so long as they do not speak of it or act upon it.” [Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2528) and Muslim (127)]

    Al-Nawawi (رحيم الله) said:

    Whatever crosses a person’s mind, so long as he does not dwell/act on it or continue to think of it, he is forgiven for it, according to scholarly consensus, because it does not happen voluntarily and he has no way of avoiding it.
    - [Al-Adhkaar (p. 345)]





    If you don't actually know anything about the religion, I wouldn't bother commenting on it. There are many homosexual Muslims, who don't necassarily break any rules or boundaries within the religious context.

    And more importantly, due to some Christian beliefs, people make the false assumption that all homo's go to hell in Islam as well. This isn't true, just because you might have homosexual feelings or you may even do the deed, doesn't mean you enter hell. Even if you did enter hell (for sodomy), as long as you're a Muslim, you still eventually go to paradise.
    I pos-repped you because you seem to be quite frank and reasoned. I went on the Gaymuslims website and read the About section which overlaps a lot of what you said. Having said that I think the real problem is it isnt fair that because she is bisexual or possibly homosexual she is forbidden from having sex with the same sex (well I've heard that there is no explicit discussion about women being bi/homo, only men aren't allowed). People cant choose whether they are hetrosexual yet they are allowed to have sex and have a relationship they feel most comfortable in.
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    (Original post by soumiakarif)
    I read this post, and as a Muslim myself, tried to understand as well as I can where you're coming from. As someone said previously, as long as you don't act on the inclinations then it's fine and inshallah over time it will die down (esp if you said you don't actually want to be a homosexual). Tbh, one of my best friends is Muslim and bisexual, and as long as she recognises that Islam doesn't approve then I have no problem with it- accept what's happening but accept Islams perspective too. Everyone is different but personally I even known niqaabis who have been so segregated their whole lives that they eventually develop homosexual tendencies.
    At the end of the day, nobody can judge what you're going through.. Send me a message if you ever need an ear


    This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
    I don't think these 'inclinations' will ever go away and is it fair that she can't act on her inclinations yet a hetrosexual person who didn't decide to be hetrosexual can act on his or her own inclinations? How is she meant to deal with this scenario.
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    (Original post by Luxray)
    I don't think these 'inclinations' will ever go away and is it fair that she can't act on her inclinations yet a hetrosexual person who didn't decide to be hetrosexual can act on his or her own inclinations? How is she meant to deal with this scenario.
    Seeing as she's stated that she doesn't want to be homosexual, then tbh what else can she do?
    Whether or not you agree with the situation, or what Islam outlines in this respect, at the end of the day it's her decision and she obviously values what her faith has to say... Wouldn't you sacrifice for something you value so much?


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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I like my religion that's the problem.
    This is advice from a fellow Muslim. These non-Muslims as much as they try, will not understand where you are coming from. In Islam, it is not a sin to be 'bisexual', you can't control your feelings can you. It just becomes a sin when you act upon these urges if you get what I mean. As for telling your parents, you don't have to. Is there a reason why you must tell them? Do you tell your parents which guy you have a crush on? Same with a girl, you don't have to. Why is it anyone's business what your sexuality is?
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    (Original post by FunkeyMunkey)
    This is advice from a fellow Muslim. These non-Muslims as much as they try, will not understand where you are coming from. In Islam, it is not a sin to be 'bisexual', you can't control your feelings for the opposite sex can you. It just becomes a sin when you act upon these urges if you get what I mean. As for telling your parents, you don't have to. Is there a reason why you must tell them? Do you tell your parents which guy you have a crush on? Same with a girl, you don't have to. Why is it anyone's business what your sexuality is?
    True say! Totally agree, mashallah


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