I resent my boyfriend for not being my ex.
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It sounds like you care about and could have a good relationship with your current bf, and it's only been 3 months, there's plenty of time for those feelings to grow - so, contrary to the other posters I don't think you should break up with him, particularly not on the grounds you aren't "ready".
When are you going to be ready if not now? It's been 2 years, waiting longer to get over your ex is unfeasible. I think you need to actively work on it, actively change your thinking. You seem resigned to the fate of pining after your ex forever - that imo, is why you have problem. He's NOT the only one you can ever be happy with, you DON'T have to mourn him forever, deep down even you know this. So stop thinking like this.
Make a list of things which suck about your ex, his family, his circumstances, anything - compare this list to your current bf's positive traits, or if that proves difficult - your ideal partner. Invest in unique experiences with your current boyfriend, ones which cannot compare to what you did with your ex. Try to get to love him more, value him more. Do not doubt him - give him a better than good chance, go further believing in him than would normally be considered sensible. Even so far as imagining the happy future, home, children you could have with new bf - whatever situations you imagined your ex in, REPLACE him. Even if you don't really feel/believe it, make the effort and go through the motions.
Try to forget whatever memories you are cherishing of your ex - if you catch yourself thinking of him, have something else to think about, or prepare some negative thoughts about him - dwell on them dammit!
If you refuse to abandon the thinking that "my ex is my ideal partner, noone can compare to him" then you will destroy your current relationship and be unhappy, for no decent reason, because rationally it can't be true. You are clinging onto this thinking because it's familiar, because it hurts to part with the dreams you once had for yourself and him. Also I suspect, you are used to feeling bad about yourself and your prospects. You have grown comfortable in putting yourself down and thinking you don't deserve anything, and playing this tragic role of the unrequited lover - maybe it's the identity you have for yourself now, maybe it's how you know who you are. Give it up, force yourself not to be this character.
When are you going to be ready if not now? It's been 2 years, waiting longer to get over your ex is unfeasible. I think you need to actively work on it, actively change your thinking. You seem resigned to the fate of pining after your ex forever - that imo, is why you have problem. He's NOT the only one you can ever be happy with, you DON'T have to mourn him forever, deep down even you know this. So stop thinking like this.
Make a list of things which suck about your ex, his family, his circumstances, anything - compare this list to your current bf's positive traits, or if that proves difficult - your ideal partner. Invest in unique experiences with your current boyfriend, ones which cannot compare to what you did with your ex. Try to get to love him more, value him more. Do not doubt him - give him a better than good chance, go further believing in him than would normally be considered sensible. Even so far as imagining the happy future, home, children you could have with new bf - whatever situations you imagined your ex in, REPLACE him. Even if you don't really feel/believe it, make the effort and go through the motions.
Try to forget whatever memories you are cherishing of your ex - if you catch yourself thinking of him, have something else to think about, or prepare some negative thoughts about him - dwell on them dammit!
If you refuse to abandon the thinking that "my ex is my ideal partner, noone can compare to him" then you will destroy your current relationship and be unhappy, for no decent reason, because rationally it can't be true. You are clinging onto this thinking because it's familiar, because it hurts to part with the dreams you once had for yourself and him. Also I suspect, you are used to feeling bad about yourself and your prospects. You have grown comfortable in putting yourself down and thinking you don't deserve anything, and playing this tragic role of the unrequited lover - maybe it's the identity you have for yourself now, maybe it's how you know who you are. Give it up, force yourself not to be this character.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
But thats just the point, i'm NEVER going to be over him. He was the best thing I ever had. So you're saying I should be single forever?! That's rubbish, I know loads of girls who get into relationships after much less time being single in between.
haha yes, i was one of them. I was with a guy for 3 years and there was three months between him and my current bf.
However i was completely over him, a few things happened in the relationship and after the break up to make me never want to see the guy again, and tbh the end few months of our relationship were really unhappy.
These girls are OVER their exes. YOU are not!
im not suggesting you be single forever and never touch another guy, in fact going out on a few casual dates to meet guys, making sure you both know its for fun and nothing serious will come of it might be a good idea.
But you shouldnt be in a relationship when you are this obsessed with your ex. I would be gutted if my bf told me he felt this way.
Also no one should be in a relationship at all until they can be fairly happy single and it really isnt as hard a people think.
Original post by Anonymous
Wow, good for you but not everyone is so lucky. I don't believe I'll ever want to be with someone as much as I want to be with my ex - people always talk about 'the one' and how they can't imagine life without their boy/girlfriends...well just because he broke up with me it doesn't make those feelings go away. I am starting to believe all that stuff about there only being one person for everyone. I may as well accept it and carry on, knowing I will probably never find anyone else that comes close, than remain alone forever!
Why did you and your ex break up, if you don't mind me asking?
Original post by lolololol
Why did you and your ex break up, if you don't mind me asking?
After we graduated from university we both moved to opposite ends of the country and it just sort of fell apart - I was prepared to do long distance for a while but he wasn't. We also argued a lot due to my irrational behaviour and mood swings.
Original post by Anonymous
But thats just the point, i'm NEVER going to be over him. He was the best thing I ever had. So you're saying I should be single forever?! That's rubbish, I know loads of girls who get into relationships after much less time being single in between.
You are not over him because you are keeping in contact, as kunoichi said those girls who get in relationships after not so much time being single are usually over their ex's, I got in a relationship 3 months after one of mine ended, but I was well and truely over my ex. You clearly aren't and by the sounds of it you treated him bad and are now regretting it, you are not being fair on your current boyfriend either and people will keep telling you that as much as you hate it.
Original post by Rock Fan
You are not over him because you are keeping in contact, as kunoichi said those girls who get in relationships after not so much time being single are usually over their ex's, I got in a relationship 3 months after one of mine ended, but I was well and truely over my ex. You clearly aren't and by the sounds of it you treated him bad and are now regretting it, you are not being fair on your current boyfriend either and people will keep telling you that as much as you hate it.
Yes this exactly, while I wouldn't say I treated him badly exactly - I was very difficult to be with. I know that if I could go back and do it again I would be different and we never would have broken up. I am much better now but it seems pointless as I probably wont ever see him again and he'll never know.
Gary Go's fundamental lyrics for you, OP.
"Covering the cracks won't make them disappear".
"Covering the cracks won't make them disappear".
Original post by Anonymous
Yes this exactly, while I wouldn't say I treated him badly exactly - I was very difficult to be with. I know that if I could go back and do it again I would be different and we never would have broken up. I am much better now but it seems pointless as I probably wont ever see him again and he'll never know.
Which is another reason why you need to let go and not contact him.
Original post by Anonymous
After we graduated from university we both moved to opposite ends of the country and it just sort of fell apart - I was prepared to do long distance for a while but he wasn't. We also argued a lot due to my irrational behaviour and mood swings.
LDRs are hard, particularly when you haven't got the light at the end of the tunnel of knowing when you'll get back together (location wise), as can be the case with recent graduates (as most follow work).
If you keep blaming things you did, you will keep believing it could happen, as in a hypothetical next time you could somehow 'fix' yourself and that in turn would 'fix' the relationship.
Instead just try to accept that it ended for a reason, treat it as a learning experience, put it behind you and work on building your current relationship.
If you can't do that it does seem somewhat unfair to keep your current boyfriend in the mistaken belief that he is the one you care most about, you don't necessarily have to break up with him immediately but he deserves to know the truth and to make a decision about the future based on that.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
You're probably the type of person that tells someone with depression to 'snap out of it'. When it comes to feelings and emotions it very hard to change how a person interprets things. I am not mistreating my boyfriend in any way, so you have no right to judge the '****' out of me.
You're probably the type of person that tells someone with depression to 'snap out of it'. When it comes to feelings and emotions it very hard to change how a person interprets things. I am not mistreating my boyfriend in any way, so you have no right to judge the '****' out of me.
First of all 2 of my housemates have had severe depression, I was there for them. However when people start acting like idiots and get majorly upset/obsessed about their exes who have already moved on then I will say something especially as you are definitely using your new boyfriend to fill the void left by the old one (which btw ISN'T helping you get over your ex) and you RESET your boyfriend for something your EX did.
Seriously if I was your boyfriend and I read this thread, I would tell you to get on your ****ing bike.
"I resent my boyfriend because I still have feelings for my ex" < THIS makes you sound like a pathetic child. Let your boyfriend go if you can't fully give yourself to him. MAKE AN ADULT DECISION AND LET HIM GO. You sound like a pathetic whiny 14 year old that just broke up with his/her first boy/girlfriend.
Original post by Anonymous
it's just accepted as something that happens over time, but I guess in my case it didn't happen.
it's just accepted as something that happens over time, but I guess in my case it didn't happen.
Oh yes because you are the only one in the whole world who is currently having trouble getting over their ex-boyfriend. oh woe is you. Stop grabbing for attention by trying to feel sorry for yourself.
Jesus christ you've even admitted you have mood swings and irrational behaviour. for god sake love, grow up.
EVERYBODY especially at around the 20 years old mark thinks they have fully 100% "been in love" love is so much broader then just a "feeling" love is sticking together through good times and bad. What you and your ex had wasn't love. Old married couples that have been together for years and years and years and are still insanely happy with each other. Thats love.
Jabberwox
You shouldn't even be in another relationship if you weren't over your ex. No-one deserves to be treated as a rebound.
Exactly, thats why I'm treating this girl like filth. She's using this new guy and she knows it. pathetic.
(edited 11 years ago)
No wonder your ex broke up with you going by some of your replies to people's helpful responses on here OP. You're obsessive, irrational and stubborn as hell.
Either way you're being a real bitch OP, imagine your current bf reading this thread, how would he feel?
Either way you're being a real bitch OP, imagine your current bf reading this thread, how would he feel?
I really feel sorry for your current victim...I mean 'boyfriend'. Hope he dumps you ASAP!!! You are such a horrible user! You're ex was right to dump you.
Wonder why your ex dumped you? Be honest OP!
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks but I don't really think there is much help available for people who can't get over their ex's...it's just accepted as something that happens over time, but I guess in my case it didn't happen.
But there are. They're called psychologists, therapists. If it is effecting your day to day life then it's an issue, if say a student can go to uni counselling because they're a little home-sick you can see one because of your problems.
it is clearly effecting your current relationship.
Seriously, I know part of you probably doesn't want to get over your ex, but that is no excuse for avoiding what will probably be a positive step for you. Try to not be so sceptical of that.
It sounds like you're refusing to allow yourself to get over him, because if you never get over him then it must be "true love". The problem with that mindset is then he'll be impossibly perfect and you'll forget him ever having any faults, and then of course you won't find someone else.
You really need time to get over him. Getting over someone is getting bored of that obsessive phase of keeping the ex on a pedestal that you're quite obviously still in. The whole point is to be single even if you don't want to be, so that you can decide in your head you want to be with someone else and the ex isn't a possibility anymore. Getting with someone else when you're not over the ex is like swapping the heroin for methadone, it may appear to be getting over the problem but the core addiction is still very much there and isn't going to go away until you go cold turkey.
You really need time to get over him. Getting over someone is getting bored of that obsessive phase of keeping the ex on a pedestal that you're quite obviously still in. The whole point is to be single even if you don't want to be, so that you can decide in your head you want to be with someone else and the ex isn't a possibility anymore. Getting with someone else when you're not over the ex is like swapping the heroin for methadone, it may appear to be getting over the problem but the core addiction is still very much there and isn't going to go away until you go cold turkey.
The kind of relationship you had with your ex will always be unique, something that no one else can recreate so it's alright to feel like that. You should try your best to let him go, think of it as a blessing in disguise. In the next decade, I'm sure you'll look back and feel completely different and be a lot happier in life! If you give your current relationship some time, some time, slowly but surely your old scars will heal and you'll start properly liking your current bf 
If you see photos of your ex with his gf, who says you need to keep clicking to see more photos? Just skip them/close them, do whatever and concentrate on something else Keep yourself busy, that way you'll be too distracted with other things (this may be cliche but do some charity work, hang out with your boyfriend more, learn a new hobby, exercise more, etc.) Always keep looking forward, try not to look back and find some positives during bad times! I hope you're now a lot more open to a new beginning with the new man in your life! <3
If you see photos of your ex with his gf, who says you need to keep clicking to see more photos? Just skip them/close them, do whatever and concentrate on something else Keep yourself busy, that way you'll be too distracted with other things (this may be cliche but do some charity work, hang out with your boyfriend more, learn a new hobby, exercise more, etc.) Always keep looking forward, try not to look back and find some positives during bad times! I hope you're now a lot more open to a new beginning with the new man in your life! <3(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Ice Constricter
No wonder your ex broke up with you going by some of your replies to people's helpful responses on here OP. You're obsessive, irrational and stubborn as hell.
Either way you're being a real bitch OP, imagine your current bf reading this thread, how would he feel?
Either way you're being a real bitch OP, imagine your current bf reading this thread, how would he feel?
Spot on. Her responses are deluded and confused. And if anything will change her mind, it will be re-reading her first post from the perspective of her boyfriend.
I think that would crush any man.
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