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eamh,
I have been in a similar situation to your boyfriend (but now it is mostly behind me). Not necessarily in details, but in the general scope or “fundamentals” (can go on, but it's not our topic here). It is serious and this is a reason why I am writing this. I hope I can offer some useful help. Some of the tips may seem odd, but hey I do not say everything I say is correct. But I am trying to help, and at least I hope it can help you while thinking about solutions.
1- You're part of the problem? You yourself do admit it (will come back to this later – see point #5). But FOR SURE you're an important part of the solution. Just the fact that you spoke with his mother and with the school, and you wrote this long post-- despite having exams soon-- and that you were ready to pay from your own money to solve things shows that you're motivated, loyal and also caring, which definitely can sort things out. (In comparison with people we know who treat others as “one fish” in a “sea with plenty of fish” so it's okay to walk over them and move-on as easy as 1-2-3, but I digress...)
2- If I understand your boyfriend correctly, the biggest issue he is facing is pride and self respect in front of his own self and others. Ego is an important part of us, even if we are modest we naturally want self-respect. This is at the heart of the issue, and your talking with should focus on boosting his ego using facts (reminding him with facts that he was a good student, remind him how people like him, remind him of the nice person you know he is, and still is but feels down, especially when you first met him).
Try to assure him that you will stand by him no matter what. And that yes he is in a problem, but in the long run it does not matter. He already found love, and you understand his problem if his graduation is delayed. Society, in general, barely care about someone's past if his present is good, and this is especially true in case of academic success or financial issues. If you're with him, his family is with him, and his TRUE friends with him, he should be fine. (if some of his friends judge him too much, he should consider what he is going through as a filtering process to see who really cares about him and who does not).
3- You both are medical students, and you should remind him that humans are weak. He is smart, successful, but he is a human being, and life will us sooner or later how weak we are (death is the ultimate proof). He should accept what happened to him in a “scientific” way, and not in a personal way. This acceptance is the first step to face his problem.
4- I think your boyfriend have “information overload”: he has so much problems to deal with, and he do not have enough focus power to deal with them or time. I think as an option he should seriously consider taking one semester off. It can clear his mind so he can face things in an easier way and also to discuss his expectations and your expectations about how you can go through this.
5- It may sound odd, but it seems at this stressful stage of your life, may be you should control communication with him for the best of you both: not cut communication, but control it. And you both can communicate during times when you feel relaxed, and avoid stressful times or stressful topics (e.g. you can meet on Friday evenings, but Sunday evenings is a no-no. During exams phone calls should be no longer than 5min, and not necessarily daily). You can even put a role of not discussing the details of your medical school studies, or to speak very briefly about it. This is especially since it seems talking about it is more destructive than constructive in the short term.
6- Again it may sound strange, but if you and him have close friends, you can get one friend involved from each side to sort things out when a serious next fight happens. Your close friends can understand you well enough to sort things out, and they have “judge” the fight more “objectively”. The important part is to choose friends who are good and caring to do this, and who understand the seriousness of it. Trust me, it works. It can mend friendships between friends who had fights, and it can fix problems between people who love each other. (or even better, if possible, you can involve a family member like a sibling or a parent – e.g. your sibling speaking with his mother).
[in the same way that asking us here can help, so good friends and family members can help too]
7- If he does not want to see his friends as he feel bad himself, you can introduce him to your friends – especially ones he have not met before . Or to hang out with you and some of your friends whom he doesn't hang out with often (or with friends of yours that he knows). Those are between new people and friends, since they're your friends, and he can feel relaxed talking with people who don't know him much. Or you both can go together to do public activities where talking with new people is involved. (you know, a lot of people who have problems feel very comfortable talking with taxi drivers about them, or about other things. Since they don't know each other much, and they won't feel that they will be judged, plus they don't know each other and formality can bring some stability to the conversation)
I ask God to guide you to the best while going through this serious issue.
-Paladin777
I have been in a similar situation to your boyfriend (but now it is mostly behind me). Not necessarily in details, but in the general scope or “fundamentals” (can go on, but it's not our topic here). It is serious and this is a reason why I am writing this. I hope I can offer some useful help. Some of the tips may seem odd, but hey I do not say everything I say is correct. But I am trying to help, and at least I hope it can help you while thinking about solutions.
1- You're part of the problem? You yourself do admit it (will come back to this later – see point #5). But FOR SURE you're an important part of the solution. Just the fact that you spoke with his mother and with the school, and you wrote this long post-- despite having exams soon-- and that you were ready to pay from your own money to solve things shows that you're motivated, loyal and also caring, which definitely can sort things out. (In comparison with people we know who treat others as “one fish” in a “sea with plenty of fish” so it's okay to walk over them and move-on as easy as 1-2-3, but I digress...)
2- If I understand your boyfriend correctly, the biggest issue he is facing is pride and self respect in front of his own self and others. Ego is an important part of us, even if we are modest we naturally want self-respect. This is at the heart of the issue, and your talking with should focus on boosting his ego using facts (reminding him with facts that he was a good student, remind him how people like him, remind him of the nice person you know he is, and still is but feels down, especially when you first met him).
Try to assure him that you will stand by him no matter what. And that yes he is in a problem, but in the long run it does not matter. He already found love, and you understand his problem if his graduation is delayed. Society, in general, barely care about someone's past if his present is good, and this is especially true in case of academic success or financial issues. If you're with him, his family is with him, and his TRUE friends with him, he should be fine. (if some of his friends judge him too much, he should consider what he is going through as a filtering process to see who really cares about him and who does not).
3- You both are medical students, and you should remind him that humans are weak. He is smart, successful, but he is a human being, and life will us sooner or later how weak we are (death is the ultimate proof). He should accept what happened to him in a “scientific” way, and not in a personal way. This acceptance is the first step to face his problem.
4- I think your boyfriend have “information overload”: he has so much problems to deal with, and he do not have enough focus power to deal with them or time. I think as an option he should seriously consider taking one semester off. It can clear his mind so he can face things in an easier way and also to discuss his expectations and your expectations about how you can go through this.
5- It may sound odd, but it seems at this stressful stage of your life, may be you should control communication with him for the best of you both: not cut communication, but control it. And you both can communicate during times when you feel relaxed, and avoid stressful times or stressful topics (e.g. you can meet on Friday evenings, but Sunday evenings is a no-no. During exams phone calls should be no longer than 5min, and not necessarily daily). You can even put a role of not discussing the details of your medical school studies, or to speak very briefly about it. This is especially since it seems talking about it is more destructive than constructive in the short term.
6- Again it may sound strange, but if you and him have close friends, you can get one friend involved from each side to sort things out when a serious next fight happens. Your close friends can understand you well enough to sort things out, and they have “judge” the fight more “objectively”. The important part is to choose friends who are good and caring to do this, and who understand the seriousness of it. Trust me, it works. It can mend friendships between friends who had fights, and it can fix problems between people who love each other. (or even better, if possible, you can involve a family member like a sibling or a parent – e.g. your sibling speaking with his mother).
[in the same way that asking us here can help, so good friends and family members can help too]
7- If he does not want to see his friends as he feel bad himself, you can introduce him to your friends – especially ones he have not met before . Or to hang out with you and some of your friends whom he doesn't hang out with often (or with friends of yours that he knows). Those are between new people and friends, since they're your friends, and he can feel relaxed talking with people who don't know him much. Or you both can go together to do public activities where talking with new people is involved. (you know, a lot of people who have problems feel very comfortable talking with taxi drivers about them, or about other things. Since they don't know each other much, and they won't feel that they will be judged, plus they don't know each other and formality can bring some stability to the conversation)
I ask God to guide you to the best while going through this serious issue.
-Paladin777
So HE chucked it all in several times for a girl.
Made his life choices.
He'll learn his lessons from it I hope.
Made his life choices.
He'll learn his lessons from it I hope.
(edited 11 years ago)
Chucked it in for a girl once myself.
It set my life back 2 years, it's a recipe for disaster.
It set my life back 2 years, it's a recipe for disaster.
Original post by eamh
x
Hey,
I'm in a slightly different situation to you as I date someone that was driven to depression and missed his exams due to his last gf, and I have helped him through the next set of exams when he reverted back to that depression under the pressure.
I know it is hard but you are a big part of the problem. His mum knows and I'm sure she cares about him, she will help him through, you can't burden yourself with this as it will only ruin your life too. You didn't actively ruin his life (which my bfs ex did, she punched him in the face when they split and everything) but it does sound like you have been callous and selfish at times and unless you can be 100% selfless you will not be able to help him. Similarly, once you start blaming yourself for his depression there is nothing you can do to help. As you are part of the problem I suggest you remove yourself entirely from him as much as possible, you cant give your 100% support so it will only make things worse. Encourage him to seek help from his family.
He needs to get councilling and antidepressants. If his mum knows about it just hope she and the University will encourage him to do so. My boyfriend spent this summer on antidepressants and in councilling, made it through the exams and now he is fine again. This is often the way with pressure driven anxiety and depression I believe.
Original post by eamh
How did it affect you? And how did you move on?
How did it affect me?
Well, I learned to not give a **** after about 5 months of depression and lack of sleep/nightmares. I dropped out of uni and lost all drive to do anything bar stay at home and be depressed.
She tried her best to be there but there was a lot of friction and she wanted me physically but only physically were as I was still emotionally attached. Eventually with time things got better, we're still best friends and fwb.
It's just perseverance, I came round eventually and my emotions and attachment started to fade.
There were many heart to heart moments and tears from both parties, I tried to walk away from her many times but she refused to end the friendship and I didn't have the heart to stay mad at her or ignore her. I learned a lot from the experience and it actually made me a lot better.
I guess you can say you still have a rough road ahead though.
(edited 11 years ago)
Reminds me a little of my old friend- he was sectioned for 6 months...
Relationships at university can be great sources of support, friendship, love, et cetera, but part of that relies upon both parties doing what is best for themselves such as spending time on your own studies. I remember a year or so ago, I was in junior honours of my degree and had to take additional credits so I ended up with ~21,000 words of essays and 5 exams to revise for on top of weekly readings and tutorials; needless to say I was stressed out. As much as I wanted to spend all my time with my girlfriend, and we did spend as much time as we could together, she knew and I knew when it was time to either spend some time apart to focus on uni or to try and spend time together studying. It seems to me that this guy got a taste of something he liked and had no support to remind him where his main focus had to be- medicine.
I imagine that the best case scenario for him not wasting his opportunity to study medicine would be to ask for time out to get himself help.
Relationships at university can be great sources of support, friendship, love, et cetera, but part of that relies upon both parties doing what is best for themselves such as spending time on your own studies. I remember a year or so ago, I was in junior honours of my degree and had to take additional credits so I ended up with ~21,000 words of essays and 5 exams to revise for on top of weekly readings and tutorials; needless to say I was stressed out. As much as I wanted to spend all my time with my girlfriend, and we did spend as much time as we could together, she knew and I knew when it was time to either spend some time apart to focus on uni or to try and spend time together studying. It seems to me that this guy got a taste of something he liked and had no support to remind him where his main focus had to be- medicine.
I imagine that the best case scenario for him not wasting his opportunity to study medicine would be to ask for time out to get himself help.
Original post by eamh
That was exactly the thing we were not able to!
He does not what to take a break, even tough it seems to be the best solution right now. I just pray that he somehow will get his motivation back. I will do anything, but Im just a bit little..
He does not what to take a break, even tough it seems to be the best solution right now. I just pray that he somehow will get his motivation back. I will do anything, but Im just a bit little..
Maybe I missed something... why couldn't you both do that?
Original post by eamh
Jamie and Paladin:
What consequences did it have for you?
What consequences did it have for you?
I got a bit down after a breakup once in my 1st year of uni.
So I threw myself into work.
And discovered....UK Learning website.
From what I've read, you seem like a pretty amazing girlfriend, you're willing to give up a lot for him. He probably feels inferior and insecure. I'm not sure what to say, except be there for him, DON'T distance yourself, because who wants to lose the people they love when life's **** anyway?
Original post by katyness
I feel so sorry for him. Some people come into your life simply to drag you down. Just think how far it would be now if he hadn't met you!
Yeah, I tell myself that every day. Its hell. I regret the day I walked into his life more than anything. You cant imagine. I fell to freakin terrible I really have the urge to end my life. I really do. The ONLY thing thats stopping me it the fact that it will lead him to suicide to. Never ever will he overcome that... So I just have to live. Exactly the same way he does.
Tbh, I would t say it is all your fault.. I mean I do think perhaps your part if the problem but not as much as he made out l be.. He fell in love with you, we are all human - that happens.. But it was his own choice to not take his exams because he was so in 'love' with you. If we have never felt anything like that before to, it's a shock to the system and we wanna to stay in love for as long as possible which has happened here.. I think he does have a pride issue, and doesn't want to admit deep down that perhaps he needs help.. Especially since he is seeing everyone else doing really well. I think his behaviour is due down to jealousy to - jealousy at the fact you passed your exams and he hasn't. I think because you see each other every day this is also part of the problem, as well as both being med students.. Sometimes, when we see each other too much, we don't appreciate it until they are gone.. Tbh, both of you are like two peas in a pod and it seems like it's going round in circles, he's upset with you which then makes you feel bad so you feel bad, then he probably feels bad because upset you.. I do believe that some distance is needed.. It's good your trying to help him but sometimes we have to sort it out ourselves and it's obvious he kind of resents you because he didn't so his exams. I'm not going to lie, it has have me the impression perhaps you was being a bit selfish? But that's not a bad thing, you thought he was okay and you wanted to do well with your exams!! Which is highly understandable.. I think your quite a compassionate person however, since willing to spend your own money to try and help him get better.. Seems like, he fell in love and too deeply and too quickly and he chucked it all away for one girl :/ that's not your fault, that was his own choices and if you both did spend everyday together, then he perhaps feels like he ditched his friends or not that close to them anymore? I know it's hard but if he keeps resenting you, eventually you will snap and be fed up of being pushed away.. I know it sounds awful but he needs to stop blaming you all the time to, it's much of his fault too and he needs to do that.. Sit down with him and speak, say he can't keep pushing you or everyone else away and that it's okay to feel down, to perhaps not do as good as you was expecting and that everyone has hiccups in life.. Nevertheless, it's not entirely all your fault... :/... But you want to help him, as much as you possibly can if he let you? Med school is important, your right but making sure that he himself is okay is better or otherwise he will just keep failing exams or not taking them :/
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Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by eamh
Wauw. Thanks, that means a lot to hear. But the thing is, Im really not.
Yeah, I have tried to help him, but I got him in this situation in the first place.
He cares for me, but he does not love me anymore. To much has happened. I really cant tell if letting go will be the best solution. I doubt it. I really doubt it. But when he shuts me off time and again, I feel like saying: Screw it all! He is not my responsibility. But I cant. I will never be able to forgive myself. I have to stay. I have to try. Even tough I have no idea how to resolve it.
Yeah, I have tried to help him, but I got him in this situation in the first place.
He cares for me, but he does not love me anymore. To much has happened. I really cant tell if letting go will be the best solution. I doubt it. I really doubt it. But when he shuts me off time and again, I feel like saying: Screw it all! He is not my responsibility. But I cant. I will never be able to forgive myself. I have to stay. I have to try. Even tough I have no idea how to resolve it.
It's really not your fault - you spent as much time with him as he did with you, and you still passed your exams.
Has you specifically told you that? And even if he did, he might not mean it.
Original post by eamh
Wauw. Thanks, that means a lot to hear. But the thing is, Im really not.
Yeah, I have tried to help him, but I got him in this situation in the first place.
He cares for me, but he does not love me anymore. To much has happened. I really cant tell if letting go will be the best solution. I doubt it. I really doubt it. But when he shuts me off time and again, I feel like saying: Screw it all! He is not my responsibility. But I cant. I will never be able to forgive myself. I have to stay. I have to try. Even tough I have no idea how to resolve it.
Yeah, I have tried to help him, but I got him in this situation in the first place.
He cares for me, but he does not love me anymore. To much has happened. I really cant tell if letting go will be the best solution. I doubt it. I really doubt it. But when he shuts me off time and again, I feel like saying: Screw it all! He is not my responsibility. But I cant. I will never be able to forgive myself. I have to stay. I have to try. Even tough I have no idea how to resolve it.
I briefly read over this...
What i can say about depression is that it does push people away, he may not even mean those things that he says, saying that it is your fault etc... (ive said that to my bf before when depressed, still feel guilty to this day)
Give him time, maybe message once a day asking if he wants to talk, but he needs help... Especially during exams, depression could get worse
I dont think personally that anything was your fault - he decided to miss the exams (sorry if thats a blunt view). Arguments happen, and you both know its a stressful time so these things happen, and eventually sometimes sorted.
I wouldnt loose hope. I know u say he probably hates you, but depression gives no emotion at all... Ive had abit of depression, was rather serious... Broke up with bf for some reason, we made up, and he knows i still cant say i love him (we have been dating 3 years 8 months) just because of the mentality state
Here to talk if you need to... Its not something you should be doing on your own, hope everything works out
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Original post by Paladin777
eamh,
I have been in a similar situation to your boyfriend (but now it is mostly behind me). Not necessarily in details, but in the general scope or “fundamentals” (can go on, but it's not our topic here). It is serious and this is a reason why I am writing this. I hope I can offer some useful help. Some of the tips may seem odd, but hey I do not say everything I say is correct. But I am trying to help, and at least I hope it can help you while thinking about solutions.
1- You're part of the problem? You yourself do admit it (will come back to this later – see point #5). But FOR SURE you're an important part of the solution. Just the fact that you spoke with his mother and with the school, and you wrote this long post-- despite having exams soon-- and that you were ready to pay from your own money to solve things shows that you're motivated, loyal and also caring, which definitely can sort things out. (In comparison with people we know who treat others as “one fish” in a “sea with plenty of fish” so it's okay to walk over them and move-on as easy as 1-2-3, but I digress...)
2- If I understand your boyfriend correctly, the biggest issue he is facing is pride and self respect in front of his own self and others. Ego is an important part of us, even if we are modest we naturally want self-respect. This is at the heart of the issue, and your talking with should focus on boosting his ego using facts (reminding him with facts that he was a good student, remind him how people like him, remind him of the nice person you know he is, and still is but feels down, especially when you first met him).
Try to assure him that you will stand by him no matter what. And that yes he is in a problem, but in the long run it does not matter. He already found love, and you understand his problem if his graduation is delayed. Society, in general, barely care about someone's past if his present is good, and this is especially true in case of academic success or financial issues. If you're with him, his family is with him, and his TRUE friends with him, he should be fine. (if some of his friends judge him too much, he should consider what he is going through as a filtering process to see who really cares about him and who does not).
3- You both are medical students, and you should remind him that humans are weak. He is smart, successful, but he is a human being, and life will us sooner or later how weak we are (death is the ultimate proof). He should accept what happened to him in a “scientific” way, and not in a personal way. This acceptance is the first step to face his problem.
4- I think your boyfriend have “information overload”: he has so much problems to deal with, and he do not have enough focus power to deal with them or time. I think as an option he should seriously consider taking one semester off. It can clear his mind so he can face things in an easier way and also to discuss his expectations and your expectations about how you can go through this.
5- It may sound odd, but it seems at this stressful stage of your life, may be you should control communication with him for the best of you both: not cut communication, but control it. And you both can communicate during times when you feel relaxed, and avoid stressful times or stressful topics (e.g. you can meet on Friday evenings, but Sunday evenings is a no-no. During exams phone calls should be no longer than 5min, and not necessarily daily). You can even put a role of not discussing the details of your medical school studies, or to speak very briefly about it. This is especially since it seems talking about it is more destructive than constructive in the short term.
6- Again it may sound strange, but if you and him have close friends, you can get one friend involved from each side to sort things out when a serious next fight happens. Your close friends can understand you well enough to sort things out, and they have “judge” the fight more “objectively”. The important part is to choose friends who are good and caring to do this, and who understand the seriousness of it. Trust me, it works. It can mend friendships between friends who had fights, and it can fix problems between people who love each other. (or even better, if possible, you can involve a family member like a sibling or a parent – e.g. your sibling speaking with his mother).
[in the same way that asking us here can help, so good friends and family members can help too]
7- If he does not want to see his friends as he feel bad himself, you can introduce him to your friends – especially ones he have not met before . Or to hang out with you and some of your friends whom he doesn't hang out with often (or with friends of yours that he knows). Those are between new people and friends, since they're your friends, and he can feel relaxed talking with people who don't know him much. Or you both can go together to do public activities where talking with new people is involved. (you know, a lot of people who have problems feel very comfortable talking with taxi drivers about them, or about other things. Since they don't know each other much, and they won't feel that they will be judged, plus they don't know each other and formality can bring some stability to the conversation)
I ask God to guide you to the best while going through this serious issue.
-Paladin777
I have been in a similar situation to your boyfriend (but now it is mostly behind me). Not necessarily in details, but in the general scope or “fundamentals” (can go on, but it's not our topic here). It is serious and this is a reason why I am writing this. I hope I can offer some useful help. Some of the tips may seem odd, but hey I do not say everything I say is correct. But I am trying to help, and at least I hope it can help you while thinking about solutions.
1- You're part of the problem? You yourself do admit it (will come back to this later – see point #5). But FOR SURE you're an important part of the solution. Just the fact that you spoke with his mother and with the school, and you wrote this long post-- despite having exams soon-- and that you were ready to pay from your own money to solve things shows that you're motivated, loyal and also caring, which definitely can sort things out. (In comparison with people we know who treat others as “one fish” in a “sea with plenty of fish” so it's okay to walk over them and move-on as easy as 1-2-3, but I digress...)
2- If I understand your boyfriend correctly, the biggest issue he is facing is pride and self respect in front of his own self and others. Ego is an important part of us, even if we are modest we naturally want self-respect. This is at the heart of the issue, and your talking with should focus on boosting his ego using facts (reminding him with facts that he was a good student, remind him how people like him, remind him of the nice person you know he is, and still is but feels down, especially when you first met him).
Try to assure him that you will stand by him no matter what. And that yes he is in a problem, but in the long run it does not matter. He already found love, and you understand his problem if his graduation is delayed. Society, in general, barely care about someone's past if his present is good, and this is especially true in case of academic success or financial issues. If you're with him, his family is with him, and his TRUE friends with him, he should be fine. (if some of his friends judge him too much, he should consider what he is going through as a filtering process to see who really cares about him and who does not).
3- You both are medical students, and you should remind him that humans are weak. He is smart, successful, but he is a human being, and life will us sooner or later how weak we are (death is the ultimate proof). He should accept what happened to him in a “scientific” way, and not in a personal way. This acceptance is the first step to face his problem.
4- I think your boyfriend have “information overload”: he has so much problems to deal with, and he do not have enough focus power to deal with them or time. I think as an option he should seriously consider taking one semester off. It can clear his mind so he can face things in an easier way and also to discuss his expectations and your expectations about how you can go through this.
5- It may sound odd, but it seems at this stressful stage of your life, may be you should control communication with him for the best of you both: not cut communication, but control it. And you both can communicate during times when you feel relaxed, and avoid stressful times or stressful topics (e.g. you can meet on Friday evenings, but Sunday evenings is a no-no. During exams phone calls should be no longer than 5min, and not necessarily daily). You can even put a role of not discussing the details of your medical school studies, or to speak very briefly about it. This is especially since it seems talking about it is more destructive than constructive in the short term.
6- Again it may sound strange, but if you and him have close friends, you can get one friend involved from each side to sort things out when a serious next fight happens. Your close friends can understand you well enough to sort things out, and they have “judge” the fight more “objectively”. The important part is to choose friends who are good and caring to do this, and who understand the seriousness of it. Trust me, it works. It can mend friendships between friends who had fights, and it can fix problems between people who love each other. (or even better, if possible, you can involve a family member like a sibling or a parent – e.g. your sibling speaking with his mother).
[in the same way that asking us here can help, so good friends and family members can help too]
7- If he does not want to see his friends as he feel bad himself, you can introduce him to your friends – especially ones he have not met before . Or to hang out with you and some of your friends whom he doesn't hang out with often (or with friends of yours that he knows). Those are between new people and friends, since they're your friends, and he can feel relaxed talking with people who don't know him much. Or you both can go together to do public activities where talking with new people is involved. (you know, a lot of people who have problems feel very comfortable talking with taxi drivers about them, or about other things. Since they don't know each other much, and they won't feel that they will be judged, plus they don't know each other and formality can bring some stability to the conversation)
I ask God to guide you to the best while going through this serious issue.
-Paladin777
Your post is good but the masochistic crap that I put in bold is nonsense. Don't try to generalise your own feelings about life to others.
Original post by joker12345
It's really not your fault - you spent as much time with him as he did with you, and you still passed your exams.
Has you specifically told you that? And even if he did, he might not mean it.
Has you specifically told you that? And even if he did, he might not mean it.
yes, he has. The says thing like: I regret giving you everything. I regret letting you ruin me and my life. And much worse.. But as you and Megan too say.. Maybe he does not mean it.
Original post by eamh
I have really thought it trough. And you are absolutely right, I CANT make a difference in his life if I cant be 100% unselfish. And I AM really ready to do that. I have considered taking a semester off to help him, but he wont let me. He says that unlike me, he has a heart and wont let me do it.
Should I just do it anyway?
Should I just do it anyway?
Personally, I would say no. You are still very young and it could ruin your relationship anyway as you may end up resenting him later in life. That is what happened with my mum and her first husband, and I think she regrets not doing better early in life.
I also think that one semester off will not help as things will likely revert to how they were afterwards.
And in regards to removing myself entirely from him.
We have tried that. 2-3 times he decided that he needs to not be in contact with me at all. (As we aren't right now). But then after a couple of days he texts me saying how miserable he is. That he does not know how to continue.
We have tried that. 2-3 times he decided that he needs to not be in contact with me at all. (As we aren't right now). But then after a couple of days he texts me saying how miserable he is. That he does not know how to continue.
In this case I think you need to be strong and just ignore him, as hard as that might be, or tell him to talk to his mum. From the sounds of things he needs to take some time off and go home to be looked after for a while, maybe even until September.
And I really dont know what to say. I usually try to call him, but he hangs up. Then I text that I could come and see him if it would help.
But then he shuts me off again, and we are back where we started.
Im really lost. I feel trapped in my own life.
He does not want to see a therapist. "They cant give me back the time I have wasted."
But then he shuts me off again, and we are back where we started.
Im really lost. I feel trapped in my own life.
He does not want to see a therapist. "They cant give me back the time I have wasted."
You need to get him to a therapist. Tell him you can't be there for him if he doesn't go, and if he still refuses cut off contact. I cannot stress how important it is for him to address his mental health issues in this way, even if it takes manipulation to get there. He is being selfish, you need to tell him about the impact his depression is having on the other people in his life. It took me finally cracking under pressure and telling my boyfriend I couldn't deal with his issue on my own whilst doing exams to get him to a councillor but he thanks me for it to this day.
Original post by eamh
yes, he has. The says thing like: I regret giving you everything. I regret letting you ruin me and my life. And much worse.. But as you and Megan too say.. Maybe he does not mean it.
Yeah, depression does do that to people, and from the sounds of things, he is very close to you and probably just a little resentful. Try and make him get help so he can get better.
Original post by eamh
But how did you get him to do it? For me it seems like an impossible task. He is so stubborn. I know him all to well. If I say things like: I will not be in your life anymore if you do not seek help. He will respond: Then walk away... like you always do when things get tough. Walk away, I dont need you or anyone.
Then go, there is nothing else for it. He obviously has a disposition toward anxiety and depression as it was, and may have suffered through exams even without you. You say it is your fault and you make the problem worse so I can only see that you going and cutting contact altogether will help him. Keep in touch with his mum and things by all means to check he is ok, it may be that when he has no-one to talk to means he finally seeks help.
If he becomes so depressed he is harming/suicidal he can be sectioned (as in he doesn't need to give the ok), which may be good for him in the long run and could set him on the path to recovery. This happened to someone I was meant to live with in third year, and he is so much better now it is unreal. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to set us on the road to recovery.
As long as his family are keeping an eye out for him he should be ok, it may be best to tell some of his friends and get them to check up on him every day or so for signs he is getting worse. From what you have said I think he can only get better with professional help.
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