I ruined everything for him
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Original post by eamh
Thank you.. After all this, Im becoming more certain that professional help it the only way to go.
He has not spoken to his friends in ages. He actually does not have any TRUE friends. From that I have seen they only contact him when they need something...
He has not spoken to his friends in ages. He actually does not have any TRUE friends. From that I have seen they only contact him when they need something...
:/ professional help is important, but you walking away doesn't really seem helpful - it'll seem like one more person who left him because they didn't really care, even if that's not how it is. It would be better if you could support him through getting help ...
Original post by eamh
I will definitely NOT walk away. I have decided to met up with his mom and discuss this and really making sure she knows how serious the situation really is.
Good, I mean I get where redferry's coming from with her advice, but I just don't see how you can/should be that ruthless in just walking away.
That sounds like a good idea, if he has a good relationship with his mom that is?
You cant balance uni and relationships as an explosion of conflicting problems occurs... Do it one at a time, uni first then get back with him... If you leave him it may allow both ur minds to be cleared and focused on studies in every couples life there is a choice between career and family trying to balance both leads to gaps in both and the eventual destruction of them both. If u decide to help him with studies tough love is the key. But make sure u do not lead astray from ur own studies.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Sounds like a slightly more believable version of twilight.
You seem desperate. It's as if you have received and invitation to a double-suicide and you are weighing your alternatives. I think you too need to talk to a counselor.
You are blaming yourself too much and not recognizing that he is trying to isolate you, to blame his own poor choices on you, and to make you feel guilty for wanting to do well in medicine - the very thing that he wishes he had done himself. Sooner or later we all experience failures in our lives. Your bf has to face the fact that he may or may not realize his dream. It is not your fault! Maybe you feel that you were not as supportive as you ought to have been, but to me it does not sound like he has been that supportive of you either. You sound like a very sensitive and compassionate individual that has painted herself into a corner, an impossible situation, so I really feel for you.
As someone else said, some people need to hit rock bottom before they will start to recover. Life is hard, studying medicine makes it even harder, but you don't need to make it harder still by participating in a mutually destructive relationship. It has not been good for either of you.
I am old. I only happened to read your post because I was reading up on something else that matters to me as a parent and the title caught my eye --"I ruined everything for him". At first I misread it and thought it meant that you threw away your future for a chance of happiness with some boyfriend. Fortunately, you have not done that yet, but I decided to write because you appear to be on the verge. As a grown-up who has had similar experiences and has seen numerous cases of malfunctioning relationships of every shape and complexity, I want to assure you that loving someone to death does not need to lead to death! And, as strange as it may sound to you now, it is a temporary affliction. Maybe you think I am senile, but even if that were to be the case, even after I forget what year it is or the names of my children, I would still remember too well what it feels like to be young and conflicted and seeing the future in very abstract terms, all revolving around romantic visions of happily ever after - or unhappily ever after. It's not really like that. People grow and change. What matters to them change. They get over their failures and sometimes build something better. You will change too. Trust him when he says to stay away, you are probably doing him more harm than good. He needs to get over this himself and meanwhile you need to look after yourself and concentrate on your own studies. Also, bear in mind that there are more weird and wonderful people coming your way that will intrigue you and challenge you and drive you crazy. It will all be hard and confusing but there will also be lots of good times. Save some of your energy for them.
You are blaming yourself too much and not recognizing that he is trying to isolate you, to blame his own poor choices on you, and to make you feel guilty for wanting to do well in medicine - the very thing that he wishes he had done himself. Sooner or later we all experience failures in our lives. Your bf has to face the fact that he may or may not realize his dream. It is not your fault! Maybe you feel that you were not as supportive as you ought to have been, but to me it does not sound like he has been that supportive of you either. You sound like a very sensitive and compassionate individual that has painted herself into a corner, an impossible situation, so I really feel for you.
As someone else said, some people need to hit rock bottom before they will start to recover. Life is hard, studying medicine makes it even harder, but you don't need to make it harder still by participating in a mutually destructive relationship. It has not been good for either of you.
I am old. I only happened to read your post because I was reading up on something else that matters to me as a parent and the title caught my eye --"I ruined everything for him". At first I misread it and thought it meant that you threw away your future for a chance of happiness with some boyfriend. Fortunately, you have not done that yet, but I decided to write because you appear to be on the verge. As a grown-up who has had similar experiences and has seen numerous cases of malfunctioning relationships of every shape and complexity, I want to assure you that loving someone to death does not need to lead to death! And, as strange as it may sound to you now, it is a temporary affliction. Maybe you think I am senile, but even if that were to be the case, even after I forget what year it is or the names of my children, I would still remember too well what it feels like to be young and conflicted and seeing the future in very abstract terms, all revolving around romantic visions of happily ever after - or unhappily ever after. It's not really like that. People grow and change. What matters to them change. They get over their failures and sometimes build something better. You will change too. Trust him when he says to stay away, you are probably doing him more harm than good. He needs to get over this himself and meanwhile you need to look after yourself and concentrate on your own studies. Also, bear in mind that there are more weird and wonderful people coming your way that will intrigue you and challenge you and drive you crazy. It will all be hard and confusing but there will also be lots of good times. Save some of your energy for them.
Original post by eamh
Ive never seen any of the twilight movies. What happens?
Same sort of intense love/infatuation/I cant live without you BS. Oh and she turns into a vampire. Perhaps you should consider this before you venture further.
Original post by eamh
Well, nowadays no. Cause everyone nowadays just lets you down in the end.
But he thought I was.. And was willing to give that up. He took the risk and realised that in the end all you have is yourself.
I can assure you, he wont do anything like that again.
Im pretty sure he wont be able to trust ANYONE again.... Yes, I ruined him for good....
God damnit, I dont know why Im doing this to myself....
But he thought I was.. And was willing to give that up. He took the risk and realised that in the end all you have is yourself.
I can assure you, he wont do anything like that again.
Im pretty sure he wont be able to trust ANYONE again.... Yes, I ruined him for good....
God damnit, I dont know why Im doing this to myself....
You're blaming yourself too much to be honest. Yes he was madly in love with you and that CLEARLY clouded his judgement, but you have to get priorities straight in life.
Very hard lesson learned.
I think you should distance yourself from him for pretty good while and concentrate on your studies, it never makes your loved ones happy to see you ruin yourself so don't try to, it will make him feel better if you improve your career and try not blame yourself entirely. Let him realize that it's both of yours' mistake,not yours only. Be there for him whenever he needs you and don't try to push him,let him take the reins now. Remember you are doing your utmost to help him
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by eamh
Thank you so much for your answer! I really appreciate it!!! I really dont have anywhere else to turn to.
1- Yeah, I really do wanna help him. But unfortunately he does not see it as you do. He feels betrayed and let down because I (in his own words) "wasn't there when it counted. When it had still mattered. Now it makes no difference for me. It it too late" And I agree. Completely. I wasnt there for him when he was too down that he had to go for several walks a day just to keep himself from doing something stupid (hurt himself) I wasnt there!
2 - "He already found love" He doesn't love me anymore. That I can promise you. Everything about me reminds him of all the negativity.
4- I have already suggested him taking one semester off. His responds is always: No way in hell. I am already 2 years behind.
I have really tried to explain that he needs to get out of this bad circle: He is so frustrated and depressed about the time he has lost, isnt able to study properly, fails again, more time goes by, he gets more depressed....
5- At this point I am the only one studying for the exam. He is not. He is too down to do anything. The only communication right now is me trying to call him or texting that I am here if he needs me. And he just says, "you cant do anything for me. Leave me alone and just pass YOUR exam. " I think I will just leave him alone for now and try to support him when the exam is over. He will be so miserable that day since he is not taking the exam.. And I will try to support him as much as I can and see if I can motivate him to take the exam 5 weeks later. Because if he does not take/pass that one either, he will have to take the whole semester again. AND I KNOW WHAT WILL CAUSE HIM DROPPING OUT!
6- There wont be anymore fights between us. To be honest, I dont even know if we are together. I just know that I am the only he has got. He has said on several occasion that he cant see a future with me because of how much Ive hurt him. Thats fine. That IS really the least of my problems. I just interested in seeing him happy again - or just something that looks like happy!!!
I REALLY FEEL LIKE IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE AND DEEPEST REGRET OF MY LIFE IF I JUST "LEAVE HIM ALONE" AND THEREBY LETTING HIM SINK DEEPER INTO THE HOLE HE IS IN. Its okay that he does not what to be with me. I surprised he even wants to talk to me. I just feel it is my responsibility to make this all right.
7- I actually suggested this. That we go out with my friends. But he wont.
Thank you so much for your advise!! I will try all the things again. It cant make things worse anyway..
And Im glad to hear that you are doing good. I would not wish this for anyone in this world.
1- Yeah, I really do wanna help him. But unfortunately he does not see it as you do. He feels betrayed and let down because I (in his own words) "wasn't there when it counted. When it had still mattered. Now it makes no difference for me. It it too late" And I agree. Completely. I wasnt there for him when he was too down that he had to go for several walks a day just to keep himself from doing something stupid (hurt himself) I wasnt there!
2 - "He already found love" He doesn't love me anymore. That I can promise you. Everything about me reminds him of all the negativity.
4- I have already suggested him taking one semester off. His responds is always: No way in hell. I am already 2 years behind.
I have really tried to explain that he needs to get out of this bad circle: He is so frustrated and depressed about the time he has lost, isnt able to study properly, fails again, more time goes by, he gets more depressed....
5- At this point I am the only one studying for the exam. He is not. He is too down to do anything. The only communication right now is me trying to call him or texting that I am here if he needs me. And he just says, "you cant do anything for me. Leave me alone and just pass YOUR exam. " I think I will just leave him alone for now and try to support him when the exam is over. He will be so miserable that day since he is not taking the exam.. And I will try to support him as much as I can and see if I can motivate him to take the exam 5 weeks later. Because if he does not take/pass that one either, he will have to take the whole semester again. AND I KNOW WHAT WILL CAUSE HIM DROPPING OUT!
6- There wont be anymore fights between us. To be honest, I dont even know if we are together. I just know that I am the only he has got. He has said on several occasion that he cant see a future with me because of how much Ive hurt him. Thats fine. That IS really the least of my problems. I just interested in seeing him happy again - or just something that looks like happy!!!
I REALLY FEEL LIKE IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE AND DEEPEST REGRET OF MY LIFE IF I JUST "LEAVE HIM ALONE" AND THEREBY LETTING HIM SINK DEEPER INTO THE HOLE HE IS IN. Its okay that he does not what to be with me. I surprised he even wants to talk to me. I just feel it is my responsibility to make this all right.
7- I actually suggested this. That we go out with my friends. But he wont.
Thank you so much for your advise!! I will try all the things again. It cant make things worse anyway..
And Im glad to hear that you are doing good. I would not wish this for anyone in this world.
Hey eamh,
I have read your response above, and your other responses in the thread.
I know you see the problem is difficult now, and it is. But I hope you both will look back at it and see how these types of conversation, about balancing your priorities, will help you both while starting your medical career (as I hear, it can get more challenging with night shifts and such if people are not organizing a suitable time for each priority).
In airplanes, they have special instructions during emergency times that if the passenger has a baby, they should put the oxygen mask on THEMSELVES first before the baby. This can be hard on the heart of some mothers to rescue herself before her baby. But the truth is if the mother puts the mask first she will have a better chance to help the baby since she will be able to breath during the process. While if the baby resisted the mask and she keeps without one both may not live in few minutes. It's not about being selfish or selfless, it's about what is best for everyone.
In one of your posts above you said that his mother is great, but he does not want to worry her. But I think he needs her now more than any time before. I think many parts of the solution can be solved through his mother. He seems on good terms with her. She can convince him to take a semester off, or to make a plan to get through the exams, in 2 weeks time or in 5 weeks time.
It's a bit risky, but you can tell him that you may speak with his mother for advice about the situation. Or you can speak with his mother, and his mother can tell him explicitly that she is speaking with him based on your request. (this way it is kind of a balance between knowing that you care, but also letting his mother do the talking) Each option has it's pros and cons. Either way it is a bit risky if he gets really angry, but may be he will be thankful about it later. (also solving this issue can solve things between you and him).
On a side note, may be you can send him a card with a small gift that can cheer up him a bit (a comedy show series, or a nice movie or two). It may not help much directly, but it can. He just needs to do well in one semester and then thing will be back on track. Yes, the time that has passed will not return, but what is more important is quality time forward.
- Paladin777
P.S: Yep I'm doing well, but still dealing with some consequences. A main destructive factor is that family was a part of the problem, as they added so much pressure in a time when I needed their support, when several parts of my life were falling apart. For me time passing by did hurt, but was due to financial factors and losing “reputation” in front of people I love and care about. But I will never, ever, forget the friends who stood with me during that horrible time, when I looked like a “loser”, an “emo” and “a failure and a boring person” while I simply was just a human who had too much bad things happening at once. I hope that if he still get good support and the finances are okay the time issue can be easily forgotten if the people he cares about don't make a big deal out of it. Life is not perfect but I'm glad that I'm going in the right direction. I hope his mother will help him effectively after you talk with her.
hey there, I read your post. all of it. I think you've got some pretty good advice here to think about, so I won't repeat what others have already said. I just wanted to advise you to watch a movie called "Love Story". It's very relatable to your situation, maybe it will give you a new perspective and help you figure things out.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by gringamom
You seem desperate. It's as if you have received and invitation to a double-suicide and you are weighing your alternatives. I think you too need to talk to a counselor.
You are blaming yourself too much and not recognizing that he is trying to isolate you, to blame his own poor choices on you, and to make you feel guilty for wanting to do well in medicine - the very thing that he wishes he had done himself. Sooner or later we all experience failures in our lives. Your bf has to face the fact that he may or may not realize his dream. It is not your fault! Maybe you feel that you were not as supportive as you ought to have been, but to me it does not sound like he has been that supportive of you either. You sound like a very sensitive and compassionate individual that has painted herself into a corner, an impossible situation, so I really feel for you.
As someone else said, some people need to hit rock bottom before they will start to recover. Life is hard, studying medicine makes it even harder, but you don't need to make it harder still by participating in a mutually destructive relationship. It has not been good for either of you.
I am old. I only happened to read your post because I was reading up on something else that matters to me as a parent and the title caught my eye --"I ruined everything for him". At first I misread it and thought it meant that you threw away your future for a chance of happiness with some boyfriend. Fortunately, you have not done that yet, but I decided to write because you appear to be on the verge. As a grown-up who has had similar experiences and has seen numerous cases of malfunctioning relationships of every shape and complexity, I want to assure you that loving someone to death does not need to lead to death! And, as strange as it may sound to you now, it is a temporary affliction. Maybe you think I am senile, but even if that were to be the case, even after I forget what year it is or the names of my children, I would still remember too well what it feels like to be young and conflicted and seeing the future in very abstract terms, all revolving around romantic visions of happily ever after - or unhappily ever after. It's not really like that. People grow and change. What matters to them change. They get over their failures and sometimes build something better. You will change too. Trust him when he says to stay away, you are probably doing him more harm than good. He needs to get over this himself and meanwhile you need to look after yourself and concentrate on your own studies. Also, bear in mind that there are more weird and wonderful people coming your way that will intrigue you and challenge you and drive you crazy. It will all be hard and confusing but there will also be lots of good times. Save some of your energy for them.
You are blaming yourself too much and not recognizing that he is trying to isolate you, to blame his own poor choices on you, and to make you feel guilty for wanting to do well in medicine - the very thing that he wishes he had done himself. Sooner or later we all experience failures in our lives. Your bf has to face the fact that he may or may not realize his dream. It is not your fault! Maybe you feel that you were not as supportive as you ought to have been, but to me it does not sound like he has been that supportive of you either. You sound like a very sensitive and compassionate individual that has painted herself into a corner, an impossible situation, so I really feel for you.
As someone else said, some people need to hit rock bottom before they will start to recover. Life is hard, studying medicine makes it even harder, but you don't need to make it harder still by participating in a mutually destructive relationship. It has not been good for either of you.
I am old. I only happened to read your post because I was reading up on something else that matters to me as a parent and the title caught my eye --"I ruined everything for him". At first I misread it and thought it meant that you threw away your future for a chance of happiness with some boyfriend. Fortunately, you have not done that yet, but I decided to write because you appear to be on the verge. As a grown-up who has had similar experiences and has seen numerous cases of malfunctioning relationships of every shape and complexity, I want to assure you that loving someone to death does not need to lead to death! And, as strange as it may sound to you now, it is a temporary affliction. Maybe you think I am senile, but even if that were to be the case, even after I forget what year it is or the names of my children, I would still remember too well what it feels like to be young and conflicted and seeing the future in very abstract terms, all revolving around romantic visions of happily ever after - or unhappily ever after. It's not really like that. People grow and change. What matters to them change. They get over their failures and sometimes build something better. You will change too. Trust him when he says to stay away, you are probably doing him more harm than good. He needs to get over this himself and meanwhile you need to look after yourself and concentrate on your own studies. Also, bear in mind that there are more weird and wonderful people coming your way that will intrigue you and challenge you and drive you crazy. It will all be hard and confusing but there will also be lots of good times. Save some of your energy for them.
This, exactly this.
This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App
Sounds like he seriously needs some anti-depressants and proper professional counselling.
Someone needs to not only help take the edge off (the drugs) but help him see through all his bull**** and realise that life isn't over because of one messed up uni relationship and falling behind or having to re-asses educational goals (if med school is too much for him with a slight change in studies he can still get a good job and career without necessarily becoming a doctor).
This is why I honestly don't envy people who have never had any real problems in their life and always seem so happy and confident, because I wonder what happens when they actually face a genuine obstacle, and it seems often they just shut down in a way people used to bull**** don't.
Try and get your boyfriend to see a doctor, he needs help, but also there may come a time when you have to mvoe on, to save your own sanity.
Someone needs to not only help take the edge off (the drugs) but help him see through all his bull**** and realise that life isn't over because of one messed up uni relationship and falling behind or having to re-asses educational goals (if med school is too much for him with a slight change in studies he can still get a good job and career without necessarily becoming a doctor).
This is why I honestly don't envy people who have never had any real problems in their life and always seem so happy and confident, because I wonder what happens when they actually face a genuine obstacle, and it seems often they just shut down in a way people used to bull**** don't.
Try and get your boyfriend to see a doctor, he needs help, but also there may come a time when you have to mvoe on, to save your own sanity.
Original post by eamh
Well, nowadays no. Cause everyone nowadays just lets you down in the end.
But he thought I was.. And was willing to give that up. He took the risk and realised that in the end all you have is yourself.
I can assure you, he wont do anything like that again.
Im pretty sure he wont be able to trust ANYONE again.... Yes, I ruined him for good....
God damnit, I dont know why Im doing this to myself....
But he thought I was.. And was willing to give that up. He took the risk and realised that in the end all you have is yourself.
I can assure you, he wont do anything like that again.
Im pretty sure he wont be able to trust ANYONE again.... Yes, I ruined him for good....
God damnit, I dont know why Im doing this to myself....
Boi needs to do some growing up. **** happens, get over it.
I've had my whole life turned upside down for a girl before, I ploughed thru and had the strength to admit it was my fault and that I shouldn't have.
Now i'm number 1 in my life till I meet a girl who can be just as dedicated towards me as I am with her. 1 sided relationships are doomed to fail.
I've had my whole life turned upside down for a girl before, I ploughed thru and had the strength to admit it was my fault and that I shouldn't have.
Now i'm number 1 in my life till I meet a girl who can be just as dedicated towards me as I am with her. 1 sided relationships are doomed to fail.
Oh God, get over it. You both sound like moronic children. Such melodramatic BS.
Why don't you ask him to take a break and start medical school after he get's better. Maybe the work at medical school on top of his emotional stress is wearing him down and causing further depression.
I do think, you should sit down together including his mum, and talk things through. Tell him to take a break, go on holiday or whatever...
I do think, you should sit down together including his mum, and talk things through. Tell him to take a break, go on holiday or whatever...
Original post by Bubbles*de*Milo
Oh God, get over it. You both sound like moronic children. Such melodramatic BS.
agree with this
You sound like twelve year old children.
If my partner text me saying "I feel like I can't breathe without you" I'd tell them to stfu.
If my partner text me saying "I feel like I can't breathe without you" I'd tell them to stfu.
Original post by eamh
It this didnt mean anything to me, would I be spending all this time trying to explain the whole situation? And if you did bother to read any of the post, you will see that several other people has been in similar situations and it affected their lives tremendously!!Oh, why do I even bother!!Keep your NARROW-MINDED view to yourself.I would really appreciate that, thanks.
Original post by gringamom
x
Original post by Paladin777
x
Most sense on the entire thread. Read.
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