Oxbridge Students: uni AND a long term relationship - too much?

Personally (and feel free to ignore this, coz I've never been in a proper relationship), I would just go either to two separate unis away from each other (but where you both really want to be) and try and make things work, or end it. I do think, were you both to go to Oxford city, you would struggle to find time to spend quality time with him 5-6 nights a week, unless you were exceedingly organised and doing a subject that involved fewer out-of-hours work (e.g. a lab-based course, as opposed to a humanities course)

Thank you so much for your advice. It helps a lot to hear fresh perspectives on the matter.
I feel so reluctant to finish with him considering how great we are together, how much we care about each other, and how upset I would be without him. He has basically said that long distance isn't an option so I'm desperate to make it work.

Does anyone think we could still succeed if we go together and get separate accommodation (e.g. I would stay in college and he in Brookes accommodation) and we see each other 3-4 nights a week? He has said he's getting used to the idea and seems quite enthusiastic about it now. My offer is for Classics so I'll need to do more 'out of hours' work but I could work all day and go to his for 11pm and still spend quality time with him.

I genuinely believe him when he says he would rather come with me, try to stay together, break up and end up at Brookes alone, than have us break up before we even go. I understand that he should go to the university he wants, but he's never been too bothered about the specifics (he just wants a degree and a job) and whenever I tell him he should go where he wants, he says he doesn't care which university it is, and that our relationship is his main priority.

Surely people in Oxford have enough time for an active social life as well as working - I could work from 9-5 (or later) every day and still have my nights free to spend with friends and later with him. I can't find any solid reasons as to why we definitely wouldn't have enough time to see each other.

Am I being naiive in my expectations or is it absolutely necessary for me to end it?

(I'm sort of playing the devil's advocate here as I completely understand your arguments yet whenever we discuss this together he always has something to say back to my worries and I end up agreeing with his perspective. I can't tell whether I'm just worrying unnecessarily before we've even tried, or whether I have evidence that there will be genuine underlying problems)

(If you want to avoid the essay, the important parts are in bold)


I am absolutely at a loss as to what I should do.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I know I'm only 17 but I feel we love each other as much as we're capable at this age and we are without a doubt the closest couple of our age that I've met.

We planned to apply to university together, so despite only wanting to go to our local university he has applied to universities in the same cities as the universities I applied for.

Without thinking I would ACTUALLY get an offer, I applied to Oxford, and he to Oxford Brookes. I got an offer today and I am completely shocked, but I know that Oxford is the university I want to go to.

Congrats

He has an offer from Oxford Brookes and doesn't want to move to Oxford as it's too far from his family, but he's said that if I'm going to Oxford, that's where he wants to go too.

This is already a bad sign.

So here are the problems:
Work at Oxford is so intense (as I've heard) and my boyfriend and I already argue about how much work I do. I believe that if we go there will be a constant struggle between us wanting to spend time together and me needing to get my work done. He usually wants to see me 5-6 nights a week, which is what I would do in an ideal world but with such pressure from my degree, will our relationship be able to survive?

If you reach a decent compromise, yes. If he resents you for not dropping everything to see him all the time, no.

I would usually decide to just give it a go and put everything I've got into staying together, and if it doesn't work then so be it.
But he is sacrificing a lot to come with me, and while my work means a lot to me as well as he does, I know his only priority is me. I feel incredibly selfish asking him to come with me to Oxford in the first place so if my work caused arguments between us I think I would still have the guilt of his sacrifice following me and preventing me from breaking up with him even if I felt it wasn't right any more.

A good point. You don't want to feel like you 'owe' him.

It feels like such a huge commitment but we love each other. Should we go to Oxford together and have faith in each other, or should we break up so we can both get on with what we really want for ourselves?

No, he should go to the uni at home and you should go to Oxford. And stay together. Moving away =/= breaking up, especially if you're as close as you say you are. Don't pay the slightest attention to anyone saying LDRs are a rubbish idea (but that's not the same as nexttime saying they often fall apart, which is true. I've been with my boyfriend over a year and we were international LDR for 11 months. Now he's at Warwick, I'm at Oxford and we see each other every weekend during term. Yes, every weekend. This is not the norm and we both do intense degrees (me two languages, he Economics), have had to make lots of sacrifices (sports/extra curriculars like drama/sleep/money/time for work) but it is worth it, and it works.

Also, it seems college life is a massive part of the whole experience. Will I constantly be left on the sidelines if I choose staying in with my boyfriend over going out with friends? Will I be able to MAKE friends?

Well, I wondered this when I actually left Oxford during Freshers' Week to see my boyfriend, and when we started seeing each other every weekend. The answer is no ONLY if you spend MORE nights away from him than with him. Most friendships happen naturally or out of pure chance, and my friendship group's activities revolve around Evensong, hall, cooking together, hanging out until the early hours just chatting and drinking tea, often studying together (I read poems while they do problem sheets), move nights, occasionally cinema/formal hall, but I wouldn't be DOING any of this if I had spent every evening effectively restricted from hanging out in my best friend's room and kind of forming bonds with people.

The first term I concentrated on making friends; this term I want to focus on work. I also integrated my boyfriend into my group of friends (it helps they're almost all male) so this weekend for example we all went to hall together, then hung out together for a bit before we both decided to watch some telly and go to bed in my room, and then today we spent the day just together, striking a good balance between alone-time and time with others, which took me a while to get the hang of.

The thing is, when you make awesome new friends you want to see them loads, and will worry about missing out on stuff, and will start to resent your boyfriend for holding you back- I know lots of the arguments we had last term were because of this. If he gets on well with your friends, great, if not it'll be a disaster. Even if he does fit in seamlessly, there's the unavoidable fact he won't be able to join in massively in the conversations bitching about the recent JCR meeting, the horror stories of awkward tutes, the college gossip, contempt of rowers,the Collections panic. This is fine if you have a division between your relationship and your college life (as in, if you go home at the weekend and have conscious time away from college so it doesn't matter if he doesn't get it when you come through the door weighed down by 5th week blues) because it's nice for you to change environment and switch mindsets, but if you want to assimilate him into your friendship group, it just won't work.


Does anyone have any advice on the matter? There must be lots of people in relationships at university - how do you cope? Is it a bad idea to BEGIN university in a relationship?

How do I cope? Not going to lie, first term was like poison to our relationship, and that's when most relationships fall apart. New people, new hot people, new hot people who are also more intelligent than anyone at home (you need to consider the very real possibility you could fall for a dapper choirboy who can spout Milton on demand despite studying medicine, or that you might have more in common with your quirky but cute male tute partner than your boyfriend), a change of pace, location and priorities, as well as in personality. We survived, and are now better than ever, but it was close, and you have to have incredible willpower to see it through.

It is certainly not a bad idea to begin university in a relationship as long as you're certain this is what you want for the next four years and beyond. IF even a small part of you thinks you've settled and there might be someone much more suited to you, it might not work. My boyfriend and I have heaps in common, and by that I don't just mean the small things people often mean at this age, but are also well-matched in terms of intelligence, academicness, passion for our subjects, ambition for careers, visions of the near and distant future (which is really what saved us, as I knew I didn't want those plans with anyone else). There is no point in starting such a new phase of your life in a potentially demanding relationship unless you are 100% committed to a future together and really think you'll marry him.

Thank you so much for your advice. It helps a lot to hear fresh perspectives on the matter.
I feel so reluctant to finish with him considering how great we are together, how much we care about each other, and how upset I would be without him. He has basically said that long distance isn't an option so I'm desperate to make it work.

Why? Take a look at the Long Distance thread. People had said that, then found they loved their girlfriend/boyfriend too much to let them go over something that trivial. On TSR, there are people in 6, 7-year long relationships who have made it work. Why isn't LD an option for him? Must he really accompany you to Oxford? If he doesn't care enough to let you both pursue your dreams, can you trust him in crisis? If a relationship is worth it and destined to survive, it can certainly survive eight weeks at a time of living further apart. If it doesn't survive in LD, it was never going to survive anyway, it would have just taken longer to fall apart. LDRs can and do work everyday, and you need to ask him why he'd be so prepared to throw your relationship away like that.

Does anyone think we could still succeed if we go together and get separate accommodation (e.g. I would stay in college and he in Brookes accommodation) and we see each other 3-4 nights a week? He has said he's getting used to the idea and seems quite enthusiastic about it now. My offer is for Classics so I'll need to do more 'out of hours' work but I could work all day and go to his for 11pm and still spend quality time with him.

I still don't think that's a good idea. Why can't you dedicate Saturdays to each other, and perhaps one weeknight? That way, you'd spend all Saturday together, day and a night, as well as an evening during the week. My boyfriend comes Saturday at dinnertime, then leaves on Sunday afternoons. Personally I don't see how only seeing each other after 11pm equals quality time. What about doing stuff during the day?

I genuinely believe him when he says he would rather come with me, try to stay together, break up and end up at Brookes alone, than have us break up before we even go. I understand that he should go to the university he wants, but he's never been too bothered about the specifics (he just wants a degree and a job) and whenever I tell him he should go where he wants, he says he doesn't care which university it is, and that our relationship is his main priority.

Good for him but bad for you, as you'll be under constant pressure to see him all the time, and you'll feel guilty when you're working for not seeing him, and guilty when you're with him for not working. He could also use it over you in arguments.

Surely people in Oxford have enough time for an active social life as well as working - I could work from 9-5 (or later) every day and still have my nights free to spend with friends and later with him. I can't find any solid reasons as to why we definitely wouldn't have enough time to see each other.

You underestimate the other little things that take away from work time. Bops. College family lunches. JCR meetings. Hall. Shopping. Cooking. PEOPLE. Do you really want to be working to such a strict timetable every day? You're basically saying no to impromptu lunches with a friend from another college, shopping for bop costumes with your friends, an interesting talk from a top academic, bumping into a friend and spending an hour just chatting in her room, ANYTHING extra-curricular like drama, music, sports, social, political, religious, anything, which will be incredibly boring, simply because all that knocks hours off your timetable, and if you don't work x hours a day, you don't get to see your boyfriend- or worse, you do see him and then you neglect your work. You're also ignoring your actual contact hours- it is unavoidable that on a certain day you might have four hours of lectures/tutes and then will have to work till after midnight for the next day.

During the week you don't want to be tied down; you want freedom to randomly go to the bar with your tute partner, or to go to that impromptu movie night your neighbour is having. You won't be able to predict the days your tutor feels like running over by half an hour and your work time is reduced. Weekends are different because you have no formal commitments, hence the perfect opportunity to see him and enjoy it, not feel guilty or resentful about it.

Am I being naiive in my expectations or is it absolutely necessary for me to end it?

Yes, you are being a bit naive, but you don't need to end it. I think LDR is a good compromise. How far away would you be? It's good because you get space away from each other, but can fully appreciate the time together.

(I'm sort of playing the devil's advocate here as I completely understand your arguments yet whenever we discuss this together he always has something to say back to my worries and I end up agreeing with his perspective. I can't tell whether I'm just worrying unnecessarily before we've even tried, or whether I have evidence that there will be genuine underlying problems)

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I don't feel like I can respond to every single post but thank you so much to every single person who replied!! (yes, even you HistoryRepeating ) I never realised how supportive TSR could be.

I'm still undecided but honestly I'm so glad to have objective opinions on this. I've begun discussing LDR with him and he doesn't seem as hugely against it as I thought, but I think we both need thinking time about the whole thing! I feel much better informed as I have a clearer image of what it will be like at uni, and at Oxford.

Thanks again for giving up 2 minutes of your life to offer your advice to me, a grateful stranger. (Or 30, in the case of such_a_lady, danke schön! )