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Gone Behind my Back to See a Friend Who Fancies Her ADVICE NEEDED

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Reply 40
Tell her not to bother coming back and that you're through, if she doesn't rush home then cut her out, even if she does you need to have a long hard think about it.
Original post by Teemo
She's given me all that 'i'm so sorry i've upset you, i feel so bad' lark today. So i said if you felt that bad you a) wouldn't have done it in the first place, and b) Would come back home rather than staying for a week.

She's said she's staying the full week and we'll talk about it when she gets back. Time to get dumping me thinks...


'Talking about it when she gets back' is probably going to consist of her dumping you after putting the blame on you to ease her own lack of consideration.

least that is what I fathom to be the most likely meaning.

Original post by SummitOfReason
No, you're not mental. You're right to be angry. In fact you'd be mental not to be angry.

I don't understand all these people who go: 'comeeee on, its totally fine to sleep in the same room as a guy if you have a bf and it's even more fine to sleep in the same bed as a guy friend. I mean what could possibly go wrong when you're just friends? I mean it's not as if there are two sets of genitals within close proximity of eachother or anything is it??? And it's not as if one person can have ever feel for lust for another, even if they claim not to. '

I mean come on, your gf is just being retarded, dishonest with herself, or dishonest with you, or all of the above.

I agree that relationships have trust as their basis but with that level of looseness in your definition of trust, I hate to think what disloyalty would account for.

If that's our definition of trust and a working relationship in today's society, we might as well just all be in a massive free-for-all.

There is something deeply wrong with the fact your gf doesn't acknowledge she has done something wrong beyond lying here... if she didn't think there was something wrong, why lie in the first place?



Agreed. TBH I find it the height of youth and immaturity to try and pretend that scenario is okay and blaming the partner. It's just not.

An adult in an adult relationship would respect their partner and not put themselves in a situation where they're staying in the same bed as a friend of the opposite sex, especially one who fancies them. They definitely wouldn't lie about it.

That's why to an extent I can't take people who try and say it's okay seriously, I get different people have different boundaries and comfort zones, whatever, but to not even talk to your partner about it is just childish and shows a person who still hasn't matured in their attitude to relationships.

A lot of people will never mature like that, which is regrettable, but still doesn't excuse it.
Reply 42
Have a feeling people ITT wouldn't be as accommodating if the OP's story was gender-reversed.
I see no problem with friends of the opposite sex sharing a bed. In fact, I do it all the time - most weekends when I go out I'll end up sleeping alongside one of my female friends. It is almost like the ultimate in friend zoning - the point were they consider there to be no sexual chemistry going on, and can therefore be comfortable sharing a bed. If I wasn't happy just being friends, then I guess it could be quite upsetting in a weird way.

Anyway - having said that, the fact is that you, OP, are not comfortable with the idea and I suspect your girlfriend knew this. That in itself is a bit naughty - she should show some consideration towards your feelings. I do however find myself agreeing with a lot of what redferry has said also. I'd suggest that you tell your girlfriend that you'd rather her not sneak off behind your back and that you would rather her not share a bed with her male friends. If she has a problem with this, then clearly your relationship needs to be looked at in terms of your compatibility towards each other.
Time for you to dump her I reckon!


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Thats not okay. No wonder you are feeling paranoid if she is lying and seeing him secretly. And even if you had been okay with her going to visit him, sleeping in the same room is totally unnecessary - what happened to sleeping on the sofa?!? One of my best friends used to fancy me, but my boyfriend is fine with us hanging out together because he can trust that I understand what the boundaries are, and I am totally open about it with him. You're not the unreasonable one in this situation - she is.
Reply 46
Thanks for the help!
Reply 47
If youve been together for that long and she's lying to you about that it'd make me question if shes always been honest with you about things.

As some have said, end it for your own sanity. Also now shes lied to you theres always going to be that lack of trust now. Plus, again, being together for that long and shes pulling stunts like that? I'd have to end it, I couldnt be with a manipulative partner who twists the blame on me. (Hence why my ex of 6yrs and I broke up because he told me he likes someone else then proceeded to say its my fault)

From what Ive read she's not worth keeping around at ALL

Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 48
I would have probably seen staying with him as ok if it wasn't for the lying. If she doesn't think its wrong why lie? I also think trust is vital to a relationship and someone who would lie about something like that would have lost it.
Reply 49
Original post by InnerTemple
I see no problem with friends of the opposite sex sharing a bed. In fact, I do it all the time - most weekends when I go out I'll end up sleeping alongside one of my female friends. It is almost like the ultimate in friend zoning - the point were they consider there to be no sexual chemistry going on, and can therefore be comfortable sharing a bed. If I wasn't happy just being friends, then I guess it could be quite upsetting in a weird way.


A lot of people have been saying that they find stuff like this acceptable if not normal. I think that if OP's girlfriend saw it like that, then he wouldn't be angry, just from little subconscious signals he'd get from her. But this other guy wants to get into her knickers she is so eager to see him that she'll travel to another city for a whole week and share his bed, she lies to her boyfriend about it and then tries to make it sound like he is overreacting.

Get the HELL out of there OP, she's stringing you along like a puppy on a leash. You deserve better.

Dump her in person, a 4 year relationship deserves that, also you'll be able to see her reaction, and you can be sure that she isn't ****ing another guy and laughing, 5 minutes after your relationship ends. Keep us updated?
Reply 50
If it helps my ex used to lie about where he was and who he was with. Then we broke up because he wanted to be with her instead.

She's completely obliterated the trust between you both, and even if you forgive her, you're never going to forget it. Which will slowly kill the relationship anyway. :frown:
I think the problem here is her lying, not here saying at a male friends place.

If you have a problem with your partner staying at a friends place, then I am sorry but you should be dumped.

However, that is only the case if they are honest about it (and there is no reason to suspect anything).

In this case she lies, which is very suspicious. So I think you are in the right this time.


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Original post by Orthonym
A lot of people have been saying that they find stuff like this acceptable if not normal. I think that if OP's girlfriend saw it like that, then he wouldn't be angry, just from little subconscious signals he'd get from her. But this other guy wants to get into her knickers she is so eager to see him that she'll travel to another city for a whole week and share his bed, she lies to her boyfriend about it and then tries to make it sound like he is overreacting.


Yes clearly some of the things that she has done - mainly the lying, is wrong.

However I struggle to see how the fact that the guy has a thing for her automatically makes this worse. I had a massive crush on a friend that I shared a bed with, however we had an understanding that we would just be friends and as such I knew not to try anything - and she knew I wouldn't.

The fact that she traveled to another city doesn't seem too bad. This is a friend we are talking about - a friend she wants to keep in touch with. It just so happens that he lives in another city which, obviously, means that one of the two of them is going to have to travel. I travel to see friends all the time.

The duration of time spent and (as I said) the lies are questionable. However the presence of a lie does not always indicate 'guilt' in the sense that she must have had motives other than just catching up with a friend.
Reply 53
Can I also just add to this something i forgot to say. She last saw the friend, before this little city trip, less than two weeks ago! I'm sorry but i would never make a journey this massive to see a friend i saw less than a month ago.
Reply 54
This is pretty difficult to call. The actual situation could be anywhere from long-standing good friends with nothing going on, used to seeing each other for days at a time + jealous, controlling boyfriend; to perfectly reasonable boyfriend + girlfriend who has an inappropriately close/romantic relationship with another male, or is even cheating.

You need to talk with your girlfriend, not the internet. Ask her what is going on and why she lied, listen to her thoughts and feelings on the subject (and explain yours). Stop thinking just about what's "normal" - if you trust that she does actually view this guy platonically, will you have a problem with it?* If you don't trust her.. well you obviously need to think about that and what it means.

*Although, she does seem very involved with his guy. I could understand you being a bit jealous (for the attention), even if it was a platonic female friend.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Teemo
Can I also just add to this something i forgot to say. She last saw the friend, before this little city trip, less than two weeks ago! I'm sorry but i would never make a journey this massive to see a friend i saw less than a month ago.


Have you spoken to her OP? Is she still there?
Reply 56
Yep still there, not coming back early or anything. In my mind we're finished.

I know some people probably think i'm an overcontrolling boyfriend or whatever, i'm not. I've got no problem with her talking to guys, hanging out with guys etc. I draw the line at going for a week sleeping in their room though, and i don't think that's unreasonable.
I'd bang one of her friends then dump her
Original post by Teemo
Yep still there, not coming back early or anything. In my mind we're finished.

I know some people probably think i'm an overcontrolling boyfriend or whatever, i'm not. I've got no problem with her talking to guys, hanging out with guys etc. I draw the line at going for a week sleeping in their room though, and i don't think that's unreasonable.


Nah not overcontrolling mate, I could possibly even overlook the sleeping in same room if it was a close friend she'd known for years but the fact she didn't tell you is the killer
She knew what she was doing was wrong, and she knew that you might not be happy about it, so she lied. And now, even after you've discovered her plans and have made clear that you're unhappy about it, she's still gone through with it.

You have every right to be angry because this just isn't on at all. Trust and honesty are vital in a relationship and it'd be very hard to maintain a healthy relationship with someone that you know has lied to you like that.

Obviously only you can decide whether this relationship is worth keeping, but I think the general consensus here is that she's a liar who clearly doesn't respect your feelings, so I say kick her to the kerb.

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