Hurtful things we carry around...

There was a boy in early high school who used to always laugh at me for being chubby and ugly. (My best friend back then even joined in laughing once) Honestly, he was right at the time, I had a lot of baby fat, greasy hair and bad acne. But even though I've lost the weight, cleaned and cleared up, and had a number of friends and strangers alike tell me I'm very attractive now, I've never, ever been able to let go of that imagine of myself. Even though I know it's irrational, inside I'm still that chubby girl. I never wear clothes that are even the slightest bit sexual because I'm sure no one wants to see that. I still hate getting naked in front of my boyfriend because, as much as he tells me otherwise, I'm convinced he must be disgusted by my body. I can't even stand his hands on my stomach in case he decides I'm too fat and wants to leave me. I get scared when he pushes my hair back to see my face in case all those spots have come back and he's repulsed.

I think that boy's words really, really damaged me in a way probably more than anyone else's ever has. Even though I've moved on and I'm much happier now than I was then, I still can't shake it off quite fully.

Oh I have a good example! When I was in primary school (I was 6 I think) we had to write valentines cards to everyone in our class. Anyway, I was putting "love from" in all my cards because my mum told me to. Then one girl started loudly teasing me for putting "love from" in her card. At the time it was so humilating that I never wrote "love from" in a card for 10 years after that, even in ones to my parents or family.
In fact im still very skeptical of the word love, I think you shouldn't say it unless you really mean it.

I should've slapped that bitch

The guy sounds like a shallow self absorbed ****, you deserve so much better don't let those words get to you!

I have a whole box with little presents and mementoes from my ex, I couldn't stand seeing them lying around any more but nor could I bring myself to throw them away. When she broke up she said she didn't loved me, which hurt enormously and I couldn't bring myself to read a note in that box where she said she'll love me forever no matter what.

On the other hand I got a belt out of the relationship that was great quality and only broke recently, which is a bit of a bummer as I had to get a new belt. I suppose we attach emotional and sentimental value on things for the memories they bring, not necessarily on how practical they are.

Obviously it was not about the red hoodie. It was about the fact that he felt you didn't make enough effort with your appearance and didn't look feminine. It is okay to accept that and come out a better woman, even if he said it in an unnecessarily hurtful way. Hopefully down the line you can land a guy who's way better, and you'll forget all about it.

He is with you for a reason he obviously thinks you are beautiful- and remember... beauty is subjective. YOU might not think you are gorgeous, but he does... beauty is int he eye of the beholder, and if he wants to admire you- let him If he were disgusted he wouldn't be with you xx

I was bullied for many years, mostly over my appearance. I hate looking in the mirror, I see an ugly loser who everyone will always hate, it doesn't matter what I change about myself this feeling is always there. I loathe social situations - usually I end up taking anti-anxiety drugs beforehand and even then I get so scared of people being nasty to me again. I can't see why anyone would want to be around me or talk to me. When I'm outside everyone is judging me and laughing at me, it makes me feel worthless.

Don't think I'll ever get over these feelings so well done OP for getting over what that dick said to you.

It would be nice to think that as I've got older times have changed, relationships have become more sophisticated, females less cruel, skins thicker, reactions sharper, instincts more developed. But there still seems to be an element of that evening in everything that happened to me since; all my other romantic stories seem to be a scrambled version of that first one. Of course, I have never had to take that long walk again, and my ears have not burned with quite the same fury, and I have never had to count the packs of cheap cigarettes in order to avoid mocking eyes and floods of tears... not really, not actually, not as such. It just feels that way, sometimes.

Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In point of fact, there might have been no Lolita at all had I not loved, one summer, an initial girl-child. In a princedom by the sea. Oh when? About as many years before Lolita was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the seraphs, the misinformed, simple, noble-winged seraphs, envied. Look at this tangle of thorns.

I'm thinking: I've had a bath with this person (just one, years ago, but, you know, a bath's a bath), and I'm already beginning to find it hard to remember what she looks like. I'm thinking: I wish this stage was over, and we could go on to the next stage, the stage where you look in the paper and see that Scent of a Woman is on TV, and you say to yourself, Oh, I saw that with Laura.

Exact same happened here bro..
I've taken a year out of my life to dedicate solely to just getting over SA, and I can truthfully say volunteering has been the best decision of my life. Immersing yourself in a situation where you're constantly dealing with strangers is hell at first, but I can tell you it's the best thing to do..believe me, mean ***** like those that bullied you are such a small minority of people as a whole. You just need to see for yourself that your fears are irrational until you don't have that deep rooted fear of people anymore.

I was bullied for many years, mostly over my appearance. I hate looking in the mirror, I see an ugly loser who everyone will always hate, it doesn't matter what I change about myself this feeling is always there. I loathe social situations - usually I end up taking anti-anxiety drugs beforehand and even then I get so scared of people being nasty to me again. I can't see why anyone would want to be around me or talk to me. When I'm outside everyone is judging me and laughing at me, it makes me feel worthless.

Don't think I'll ever get over these feelings so well done OP for getting over what that dick said to you.

When I was 11 a boy in my class told me I had no personality. It seems funny how ridiculous a statement that is now, but I've only really had the confidence to see that this year, and I'm 17 now. As for him, I'm pretty sure he forgot he said that by the next day, even though it haunted me for years.

aw thank you but im sure I have many flaws- he certainly seemed to think so!!
The men I date don't start off as douche bags...maybe I just turn them into douche bags and perhaps I jut haven't found the right guy yet (generally nice ones don't tend to approach me!)

Aww Well I hope you find the right person

Yeah, I've thought about volunteering somewhere but my ideas tended to include as little social interaction as possible (ie. animals), I think even that would help. It's just the getting round to calling them that's a problem.

The doubts about myself are ruining my life, I can't do most the things I want to do and I would love to change.