messed it up

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. We lived together for three, but now we're in different cities - which is fine. And it was fine, until around Easter last year. He actually did break up with me because I did a selfish thing and sort of gave him no option, but as we still loved each other, we were back together within a month. But, this shook me and I became clingy and horrible and suspicious. I acted like a child for like ten months. Last week on the weekend he told me that he had not been happy - which is expected and I knew it. So, I tried to calm down. And it was good; things felt normal - but then a couple days later I got emotional and tried to apologise and somehow this ended in him saying he didn't know if he loved me anymore.

We're still together as much as we can be. I love him, and I know a part of me will always love him - he is a lot of my firsts. It hurts every day to know that he is either unsure or just doesn't love me anymore. He was supposed to come visit but backed out; he doesn't (he says,) want me to effectively seduce him back, that he hopes that we have more than just sex left between us. I don't know whether this is a good thing or not; I can see why he wants to take things slow because I was crazy and regret everything, but at the same time, I feel like he's actively pulling away from me. That being said, I am still going to visit him as was the original plan sometime in March, which seems to still be okay - probably basing this off of us still being together.

But at the moment, it's really hard, and i don't know what to do. I'm hurt and miserable and I don't understand what I'm supposed to do to show him that I'm the woman he fell in love with to start. We have normal conversations then give me a little hope but in-between them I just cry, or do work, and then cry. We're basically returning back to normal with the upsetting addition of him not saying that he loves me.

Is this even able to be fixed?

Reply 1

s0ph22

It sounds like you've had a rough time. There are two ways to go with this really. It does sound like what you had has been broken - that doesn't mean to say that it can't be fixed. At the start, if you both were as equally in love with each other then repairing the damage should be easier. Show him just how much he means to you - don't be whiny/clingy/nagging to him or you'll push him further away. Suggest to him going to *somewhere you went on a date at the start of your relationship* - try to recreate why he fell in love with you and prove to him that you're the same girl he fell in love with. Try to spend more time with each other - in this case absence definitely isn't making the heart grow stronger - you need each other.
All this is easily said, but if he has really moved on then you need to let him go - once he's made up his mind he's unlikely to go back on it. Now I'm not suggesting 'get back out there', but spend some time with your single friends (hanging around with couples is not going to help) - focus on your life and achieving personal goals. I know this may not be what you wanted to hear but unfortunately it may not work. If you both do go separate ways then you'll be likely to get over it with time and if it was genuine love you had, then he'll feel worse with time - which writing it seems pointless but something could become of this.
Personally, I think if it's not too late, go for it, you have nothing to lose, if he loves you deep down too, he'll see that. It's never too late. Good luck :smile:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Well he broke up with me last week saying he didn't love me. I am crushed. I love him so much; I just don't understand. admittedly now he's saying things like 'take is super slow, see where it goes, see what happens,' and we don't know how to stay out of eachother's lives. He has texted at least every day, normally casual statements. I've told him I can't just be his friend, because I can't be friends with someone I'm in love with, and he's still doing it.

I'm hoping a little time apart without me being so crazy will help; maybe he'll miss me, what we had, maybe he'll have more time to think without me suffocating him. I just love him so much - I don't think I'll have what I had again with anyone. It was comfortable and loving, before I let my trust issues flare up. I am a mistrusting person; I am naturally suspicious. ... and now I've lost the one person who did love me ): I don't need a boyfriend or whatever - I just want him. I have never been interested in anyone else; and I don't believe that people can fall in love more than once, and I fully believe I am entirely in love with him.

Do you think he'll come back? We were together five years, even one month ago he was saying that he loved me, etc - do you think he's really just stopped? I'm finding it so hard to move on. He's been there, in my life for six years and with me for five - I just don't know how to cope with this. I'm scared to get my hopes up that he'll find his way back to me; I'm just going to get hurt again... but at the same time, I can't stop hoping for it.

):

Reply 3

s0ph22

Well this is a tricky one. Well, ok, if he's still texting you it's got to be one of two things: 1) Deep down he can't let go either or 2) He just wants to make sure you're ok. If you're close with any of your friends/family members then speak to them because they know you and they are also likely to be able to help.
I think another thing to do is give it time; if you both try and solve this quickly, you're likely to make rash decisions which you'll both regret later.
Personally, if I was in the same situation and we'd both been as equally in love with each other from the start then I'd never want to let him go either. I'd keep trying because I'd know that he would never really mean it.
Try to lost some of the suspicion as well because being paranoid is not going to help either of you.
Long story cut short, invite him to meet up. You both need to talk face to face. Make it somewhere private where no one else is likely to interfere or influence your decisions. Just talk to each other and don't immediately start begging him to come back to you. Ask him how he's been, what he's been up to that sort of thing. You won't be meeting as friends or as a couple - but as two people. Then you need to open up to him, tell him how you really feel and ask him why he doesn't feel the same before. Tell him how much you love him, about the good times you had together, the firsts, the potential you both have of a good future with each other. Don't start bawling because you won't be able to talk properly. If you think you'd be better off people together then this is your solution - BUT bear in mind what he would be like without you and likewise.
I hope that you two work this out for the best. It seems like this whirlwind break up has led to both parties being irrational and making rash decisions - I'm sure you'll be able to work it out. Good Luck - I hope you find happiness. :smile:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Where we stand now is him saying: see where it goes. He says he wants to see how we get along as people, and see where it goes. I donno what that means; I'm assuming he wants to take baby steps if steps at all - there's a lot of damage done and we need to repair it from the ground up, and see if we're actually still compatible anymore or not.

Also if anything, at the beginning of the relationship, he was probably more in love with me than I was with him. He definitely wanted to be with me more - I just can't believe I've ruined it.

messed it up

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you