What should I do?

My girlfriend rarely has sex with me, and when I brought it up she got mad at me.

I'm cooking her a lovely, lovely Valentine's dinner on Thursday, with presents as well as a pleasant card.

My friends say I should dump her if she doesn't put out, but that's not right is it?

I admit it does get frustrating at times, but is it right to want to break up with her if she continually doesn't put out?

Reply 1

GirlsJstWanaHavFun

That's not right to do that no... however i think it's strange she rarely has sex with you.

How old are you? How long have you been together? How often is 'rarely'? And has she given you any reason for why it's not regular??

Reply 2

Alleykat606

Maybe ask her why she refuses?

and how old are you both?

Reply 3

Clip

Original post by OneTrueLove

If you give her a chance, then 100% it's fair to dump her.

Explain the situation and if she's not into it, then move on. There's no future there.

Let this one stomp all over you and some time around 2030 you'll be married to someone (maybe even her) and one of the legions of men who dotes upon his wife, does everything she wants - and she will be handing out sex like house points for when she thinks you deserve it. Don't do it.

Reply 4

Misstery

Original post by Clip

That's not really fair on her. I agree that if the sexual desires of two people are completely irreconcilable then potential for a future together is low, but that doesn't mean she's using sex as a power play. Not all women enjoy sex, and for those that don't the ordeal can be painful and distressing. Her desire not to have sex all the time is just as valid as OP's desire to have it.

I agree with the gist of your post. But not the way you imply that sex is some kind of obligation on a woman's part.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 5

Clip

Original post by Misstery

I'm not saying she's using it as currency - yet.

In any case, one person is going to lose out and there's no happy future.

Reply 6

Misstery

Original post by Clip

I'm not saying she's using it as currency - yet.

In any case, one person is going to lose out and there's no happy future.

This I agree with.

Reply 7

Truflais

I think you need to discuss this with her in a sensitive way. I wouldn't dump her JUST because of that, that'd make you an utter turd really. No offence intended as I'm not sure what its like for you both in the bedroom but maybe you need to spice things up. Don't ask her why she doesn't put out more, ask her what you can do to make sex more appealing for her.

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(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 8

Puddless

No give her time she may be uncomfortable with her body or something she needs to feel relaxed around you start slowly don't rush into things there's not only sex you can build up to that and try stuff like trying the lights of, maybe buying her underwear, or go swimming together. If that's all your with her for then maybe you should end it but if you like her then you shouldn't mind waiting. I no this couple as it was the opposite the boy didn't wanna have sex they have been together two years and only just had it but they have such a good relationship.

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Reply 9

Clip

Original post by eliza.anne

I know where you're going with this, and it's as artificial as a Hollywood action film - cars blowing up when they're shot at and people shrugging off bullet wounds.

There are far too many people that are ready to suggest the "spicing up". The massage oil and candles - which is a nonsense propagated by chick lit and the people who make the adverts for Galaxy chocolate bars. If someone is in a stable relationship and they need to seduce or woo their girlfriend into sex - then something is wrong and it won't be fixed by cliches.

Reply 10

OneTrueLove

I'm 19, she's 20. I've got a pretty big sex drive, whilst she has a really...really low one it seems. On average, we probably have sex once every two weeks or something close to that.

Thing is she's always really flirty with other guys when we go to town, which always causes arguments so we never go to town anymore. I think it annoys me friends I don't hang out with them much in the evenings.

I did ask her why, and she manipulated my words and had a go at me...despite it being a fair thing to ask for jeebies sake

Reply 11

Truflais

Original post by Clip

I meant more like...eat her out. :P lol.

But I understand what you're saying, I did mean more in terms of what they're doing in the bedroom. Like maybe she doesn't want it so much because she doesn't feel like she gets much from it.

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Reply 12

Truflais

Original post by OneTrueLove

She sounds a bit like a bitch. How does she justify flirting with other men? Then refusing sex. Doesn't seem fair at all to me.

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Reply 13

Clip

Original post by OneTrueLove

I'm not seeing a decision to be made here really. The only question is when.

Reply 14

OneTrueLove

Original post by eliza.anne

She sounds a bit like a bitch. How does she justify flirting with other men? Then refusing sex. Doesn't seem fair at all to me.

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Just her personality I guess

Reply 15

OneTrueLove

Original post by Puddless

We've been going out for 11 months

Reply 16

Studentus-anonymous

Original post by OneTrueLove

it's 2013, yes it's perfectly acceptable, especially if you're young and the relationship isn't that old and invested (I.E. mortgage and kids).

You're a human being with human needs, it's actually quite mature to accept sexual incompatibility is a deal-breaker.

Edit: BTW flirting with other men and stuff like that + lack of interest in sex and stuff with you is a good indicator of infidelity. Just sayin. Keep your eyes and mind open.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 17

Truflais

Original post by OneTrueLove

Just her personality I guess

I don't think being 'naturally flirty' is possible. Especially when she has such an apparently low sex drive. I mean, all women go through patches where they don't exactly want sex BUT if she's constantly like that then I think you'll have to consider what you're gaining by being with her.

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Reply 18

Journeyzap

Don't break up with her if you do all of that and she 'doesn't put out' - it will make it seem like you are expecting it in exchange of special treatment.

However, if your incompatible on a sexual level, that is something else to consider.

You should speak about it with her, in a calm and gentle fashion, and without making it sound like it is a problem or something wrong which she has - you have to be on her side, not against her (otherwise, she will be defensive and will probably not be any more willing to having more sex). Try and find out why she doesn't want so much sex:

- Does she not find you attractive?
- Is she shy to show her body (does she have some fat / breasts she doesn't like / personal insecurities)? If so, you will have to work on reassuring her that she is fine as she is (will be tiring, but worth it).
- Are you giving in bed? That is - do you make sure that you both reach orgasm during the act, do you tend for her sexual needs as well as your own. If not, she might think "it's effort, I get nothing out of it, don't like it".

anyway, it sounds like you've been going out for a long time, so you should be able to communicate on this level. Good luck OP. :smile: