The Student Room Group
Uni students - Complete our survey >>
Uni students - Complete our survey >>
Uni students - Complete our survey >>

Boyfriends ex tried to get him to sleep with her.

So I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months now in which he only broke up with his ex a few weeks beforehand.... I knew that she obviously wouldn't be over him so she proceeded to text him all the time (especially when she was drunk) although it was just pointless messages like 'are you working tonight?' or 'are you getting a taxi back?' I was fine with her messaging him as i completely trust him and he even told her to leave him alone... Anyway she continued to text him and see him where he was working so he sort of became civil with her.

Me and we ended up on a night out together as we have mutual friends and we made peace and said let bygones be bygones and had a good night...

So a couple of nights ago my boyfriend was at work (he works in a bar which she regularly goes to) and she was out - he went on his break and she started to talk to him and asked how things were between me and him, which he told her things were fine.... He finished his shift an ended up at the casino with some work friends which she text him telling him to go to hers and to tell me he was ill... She obviously had the intention of sleeping with him. My boyfriend told her he wasn't interested and came back to my house where he told me everything.

I'm fuming and I don't know what to do about it - I'm obviously not going to let it go but I'm not a nasty person...

I've told my boyfriend that I won't have her texting him anymore and she can't speak to him at work - is that reasonable?

Any advice would be appreciated but what would you say to her?

Thanks
Phelps.


Posted from TSR Mobile

Scroll to see replies

Wow, I'm amazed at how chilled out you are. You must be very comfortable in your own skin. I was dating a guy and his ex from 3 years ago made me very insecure but then again I felt like he was not over her and still looked after and cared for her regardless. I think you are being too nice. You should ask him to stop texting her. Why is he replying if he is with you?
Reply 2
Avatar for Misstery
Misstery
Uhm. I don't think a ban really helps. It's implying your boyfriend's done something wrong, which he hasn't. "This person has done a terrible thing therefore I think you should inhibit your behavior." The problem is with her, not him. The two of you should just tell her to piss off and that her behavior is out of order. If she really does not get the message and continues to bother him he may even be able to get her barred from his work place for sexual harassment.
Reply 3
Avatar for Annuhlees
Annuhlees
13
She's just not over him and going to try it on as she's got nothing to lose. Telling him not to talk to her is either going to make him talk to her and not tell you (Imagine what happened a couple of nights ago and he wasn't able to talk to you about it because you had told him not to tell you). I very much doubt he's going to say to her 'I'm sorry, I can't talk to you because my girlfriend said I can't' so that's going to cause problems.

You said that you trust him. So trust him. She's not over him but he's over her. I'm sure he'll sort it out by telling her to do one a few times and she'll get the message.
Original post by Misstery
Uhm. I don't think a ban really helps. It's implying your boyfriend's done something wrong, which he hasn't. "This person has done a terrible thing therefore I think you should inhibit your behavior." The problem is with her, not him. The two of you should just tell her to piss off and that her behavior is out of order. If she really does not get the message and continues to bother him he may even be able to get her barred from his work place for sexual harassment.


He has done something wrong, by replying he is enabling her to behave this way and come onto him, if my ex kept replying I would get the impression he still liked and cared for me and would probably try my chances too, on the other hand I guy I was crazy about stopped replying and I got the message and let him be, I don't blame the girl for trying, not that it's right or anything.
Reply 5
Avatar for Phelps
Phelps
OP
12
Yeah we've had a few discussions about her texting him before and he's always just said that he loves me and not her etc..

The last discussion we had about it was a couple of weeks ago when we we'd both had a few drinks and i was telling him that I trust him and don't care if she texts him aslong as I know he's with me... but he told me that i should be bothered about it and if it were the other way round, he'd be bothered... although he's still continued to reply to her...


Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Phelps

I've told my boyfriend that I won't have her texting him anymore and she can't speak to him at work - is that reasonable?


Not really. I think you should have made more of a joke about it, rather than laying down ground rules and forbidding your boyfriend from doing things. You run the risk of driving him to her.

Think about it, if she's this naughty, forbidden fruit she becomes a lot sexier than if you just basically laughed at her pathetic attempts to win your boyfriend back. Why punish your boyfriend by telling him never to speak to her again when he had no intention of sleeping with her anyway? You just come across as a controlling bunny-boiler.
(edited 11 years ago)
if you trust him then try not to punish him for her behavior

by the way congrats on being chilled... most girls (myself included) wouldn't be lol
Original post by Anonymous
He has done something wrong, by replying he is enabling her to behave this way and come onto him, if my ex kept replying I would get the impression he still liked and cared for me and would probably try my chances too, on the other hand I guy I was crazy about stopped replying and I got the message and let him be, I don't blame the girl for trying, not that it's right or anything.


No, he hasn't done anything wrong. You can't be completely fine with him texting this girl and then when SHE texts something you don't like, blame the guy for her behaviour.
Original post by Rooster523
No, he hasn't done anything wrong. You can't be completely fine with him texting this girl and then when SHE texts something you don't like, blame the guy for her behaviour.


I'm not talking about this incident in particular I am saying he has dos something wrong by replying to his ex whilst in a relationship. yes the gf is chilled out and doesn't mind but why does he feel the need to do it in the first place? Is he not over her? Does he still care? Esp as she is obv not over him so you cant say they are just good mates or anything. By replying he led this to happen, if he had laid down the ground rules at the start his ex prob would not have come onto him, tbh it sounds like what he is doing whether intentional or not is leading the ex on
Original post by Anonymous
I'm not talking about this incident in particular I am saying he has dos something wrong by replying to his ex whilst in a relationship. yes the gf is chilled out and doesn't mind but why does he feel the need to do it in the first place? Is he not over her? Does he still care? Esp as she is obv not over him so you cant say they are just good mates or anything. By replying he led this to happen, if he had laid down the ground rules at the start his ex prob would not have come onto him, tbh it sounds like what he is doing whether intentional or not is leading the ex on


Because perhaps he doesn't see why an ex can't be a friend? Why do people get this notion that once you break up with them you can't speak to them EVER. Frankly it's ridiculous.

If the gf had said outright she wasn't happy with it and he carried on, fair enough. By saying she was OK with it, how is that his fault?
You use the word "which" in places that I just don't understand
Original post by Rooster523
Because perhaps he doesn't see why an ex can't be a friend? Why do people get this notion that once you break up with them you can't speak to them EVER. Frankly it's ridiculous.

If the gf had said outright she wasn't happy with it and he carried on, fair enough. By saying she was OK with it, how is that his fault?


An ex can be a friend. Just not a few weeks after a break up when you have moved on and found someone knew and you did the dumping. Are you seriosuly trying to say that if you dumped a girl and moved on and she was still into you itd be a good idea to text her back? Wouldn't that be leading her on? And would that not be disrespectful to your current partner? Even tho his gf is ok with it I still think it is disrespectful and if my partner said he was ok with me texting my ex (who fancied me) then I'd be a little shocked tbh and I still wouldnt do it. Its jus asking for trouble tbh.
*new.
Original post by Anonymous
An ex can be a friend. Just not a few weeks after a break up when you have moved on and found someone knew and you did the dumping. Are you seriosuly trying to say that if you dumped a girl and moved on and she was still into you itd be a good idea to text her back? Wouldn't that be leading her on? And would that not be disrespectful to your current partner? Even tho his gf is ok with it I still think it is disrespectful and if my partner said he was ok with me texting my ex (who fancied me) then I'd be a little shocked tbh and I still wouldnt do it. Its jus asking for trouble tbh.


Being civil with a human being doesn't imply that you still love them or want to get back with them.
Reply 15
Avatar for Phelps
Phelps
OP
12
He hated her after they broke up and even sent her nasty messages telling her to leave him alone...


Posted from TSR Mobile
Reply 16
Avatar for Misstery
Misstery
Original post by Anonymous
He has done something wrong, by replying he is enabling her to behave this way and come onto him, if my ex kept replying I would get the impression he still liked and cared for me and would probably try my chances too, on the other hand I guy I was crazy about stopped replying and I got the message and let him be, I don't blame the girl for trying, not that it's right or anything.


Oh, bull****. Talking to someone is not wrong. Liking and caring about your ex is not wrong. Sending romantic signals to that ex is when it becomes wrong. 'Enabling someone to behave that way' is the most rubbish crime I've ever heard of.

Maybe it depends on the relationship dynamic, but the thought of banning my boyfriend from talking to someone seems ridiculous to me. He is an adult who can talk to whoever the hell he likes. And I'd be damn pissed if he tried to do it to me. It's called trust. I trust him to know when the line is without me imposing additional rules and restrictions on him.
Original post by Rooster523
Being civil with a human being doesn't imply that you still love them or want to get back with them.


Ok, maybe he was simply being civil. But what kind of message is that giving out to a girl who is vulnerable and still likes him? Why do you think she tried to get him alone? Yeah she may have done it had he not replied anyway but by replying I think he is giving her the impression they have a chance. I think its wrong and misleading. The girl is not in a rational frame of mind clearly and will take any text to mean something else. He may not realise he is doing ti but it is bound to cause trouble.
I know he hasn't outright done anything wrong, but surely if he continues to speak to her knowing her intentions, whether behind your back or not (which he will if you tell him not to), he's betraying you in a way? If he isn't interested in her in any way other than platonically, why would he continue the relationship with her when she wants more?

Anyway, as others have said, she's not doing anything wrong by texting him, she's single.
Reply 19
Avatar for Misstery
Misstery
Original post by Anonymous
An ex can be a friend. Just not a few weeks after a break up when you have moved on and found someone knew and you did the dumping. Are you seriosuly trying to say that if you dumped a girl and moved on and she was still into you itd be a good idea to text her back? Wouldn't that be leading her on? And would that not be disrespectful to your current partner? Even tho his gf is ok with it I still think it is disrespectful and if my partner said he was ok with me texting my ex (who fancied me) then I'd be a little shocked tbh and I still wouldnt do it. Its jus asking for trouble tbh.


Treating someone like dirt is not being respectful to your new partner, it's just treating someone like dirt.

Quick Reply

Related discussions

Latest

Trending

Trending

Articles for you