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Are you supposed to talk differently to girls than to guys?

I am having some problems talking to girls and I am wondering whether I am somehow supposed to talk to them differently in certain aspects than when I talk to guys.

Background is this: I am a guy in his mid twenties who has no experience with girls (virgin, never been kissed, etc). In addition to that I have had very limited interaction with the opposite sex and am not very social so my social skills may lack at times.

I am on a graduate trainee program at a leading recruiter and in the scenarios described here all my colleagues are people in their early to mid twenties, i.e the same as me.

Anyway we work in small teams that change from time to time and I have two female colleagues, a few years younger than me who I quite like (not in the romantic way, though they are rather pretty, but just as people). They however seem to dislike me (though this isn´t 100% confirmed either).

Anyway both of them said that I am a bit weird and that I "insult them". I know I have my quirks so that weird part is justifiable but the insulting thing bothers me. I am not a very vocal person but every now and then they´d say something so illogical (like claiming that they can´t control themselves when shopping and hence end up spending too much money) that I have to say something back at them. I always do this in a lighthearted way, like on a sitcom where the characters rip on each other but not in a mean way but in a way that is generally quite funny (I have to admit that due to my lack of real social interaction combined with a simultaneous diet of sitcoms has perhaps affected my sense of humor and how I speak). I do this with guys all the time and guys do it to each other and much more harshly but nobody ever gets mad. Sometimes I just say some weird things that no guy would ever give much second thought to and would brush off as humor but these girls seem to get offended by it. Basically banter, when I do it with guys it always goes well and when people hit me with banter, I also take it well and as humor. However these girls seem to take it seriously, as if I am actually meaning to offend them.

Another example was when the other day I said something (that was very practical and relevant to our activities) relating to a certain rule that the girl thought was different. I repeated myself (as I had recently read up on this and knew I was right) and she insisted the opposite. I then went to the source material and proved that I was right (not in a mean teasing way, simply looking something up matter of factly) since this really affected our current situation and in fact would prove to be of benefit to her as well. Instead of thanking me or just saying nothing like a guy would have, she actually got offended by it and said "why are you making this into such a big argument" when in fact I was calm and cool all the time and simply proved something I knew was right.

I am just wondering what exactly am I doing wrong here when talking to girls. Is it these particular females that behave this way or am I doing something systematically wrong when talking to girls?
Reply 1
From the lack of replies I take it that nobody knows how to talk to girls?
Original post by Anonymous
I am having some problems talking to girls and I am wondering whether I am somehow supposed to talk to them differently in certain aspects than when I talk to guys.

Background is this: I am a guy in his mid twenties who has no experience with girls (virgin, never been kissed, etc). In addition to that I have had very limited interaction with the opposite sex and am not very social so my social skills may lack at times.

I am on a graduate trainee program at a leading recruiter and in the scenarios described here all my colleagues are people in their early to mid twenties, i.e the same as me.

Anyway we work in small teams that change from time to time and I have two female colleagues, a few years younger than me who I quite like (not in the romantic way, though they are rather pretty, but just as people). They however seem to dislike me (though this isn´t 100% confirmed either).

Anyway both of them said that I am a bit weird and that I "insult them". I know I have my quirks so that weird part is justifiable but the insulting thing bothers me. I am not a very vocal person but every now and then they´d say something so illogical (like claiming that they can´t control themselves when shopping and hence end up spending too much money) that I have to say something back at them. I always do this in a lighthearted way, like on a sitcom where the characters rip on each other but not in a mean way but in a way that is generally quite funny (I have to admit that due to my lack of real social interaction combined with a simultaneous diet of sitcoms has perhaps affected my sense of humor and how I speak). I do this with guys all the time and guys do it to each other and much more harshly but nobody ever gets mad. Sometimes I just say some weird things that no guy would ever give much second thought to and would brush off as humor but these girls seem to get offended by it. Basically banter, when I do it with guys it always goes well and when people hit me with banter, I also take it well and as humor. However these girls seem to take it seriously, as if I am actually meaning to offend them.

Another example was when the other day I said something (that was very practical and relevant to our activities) relating to a certain rule that the girl thought was different. I repeated myself (as I had recently read up on this and knew I was right) and she insisted the opposite. I then went to the source material and proved that I was right (not in a mean teasing way, simply looking something up matter of factly) since this really affected our current situation and in fact would prove to be of benefit to her as well. Instead of thanking me or just saying nothing like a guy would have, she actually got offended by it and said "why are you making this into such a big argument" when in fact I was calm and cool all the time and simply proved something I knew was right.

I am just wondering what exactly am I doing wrong here when talking to girls. Is it these particular females that behave this way or am I doing something systematically wrong when talking to girls?


It's difficult to give you advice without knowing you personally, but I'll do my best. First of all, I think your problem isn't so much 'talking to girls' as just relating to people as individuals. Everyone has their own sense of humour, after all, and what you might intend as witty banter might not come across as at all funny to the people you're interacting with, especially if your tone, body language etc doesn't make it clear that you aren't being serious. Context is also hugely important; banter is more appropriate in some situations than others, and if you aren't already friends with the people you're talking to it's more likely that it will be taken the wrong way. Also, sitcoms really aren't much of a guide to how you should act in social situations. Perhaps you should just practice interacting with people in real life more often - pay attention to how people respond, and be willing to adapt your style of communication if you can see that it isn't working in that particular conversation.

As for how to talk to these particular girls in future, it sounds as if repeated interactions in which you think you're just kidding and they think you're genuinely insulting them has led them to think that whenever you correct or contradict them you're just trying to put them down, even when you're actually trying to be helpful. Obviously you have to speak up if you can see that they've made a mistake, but otherwise try to be friendly or at least civil - if one of them says something (non work related) that you think is stupid, I'd suggest that you just ignore it. You don't have to like these people or approve of them, but you do have to attempt to build a decent working relationship with them, which in your case means toning down the banter and not saying things that can easily be misconstrued. I'm not saying this is all your fault, and I'm sure there are things they could do to improve the situation, but perhaps they'll be less defensive if they see that you're not trying to be hurtful.
Reply 3
I personally would say don't talk to them any differently. If they take themselves so seriously that they are insulted by a couple of lighthearted comments they need to get a life =/
They sound really touchy.
It really depends on the people. If one of my friends made a joke about me, my obsession with a book and attic dwellers, it would be obviously lighthearted and quite funny. If someone I didn't know very well that I found a bit strange, didn't really talk to me very much and didn't convey the right body language and tone said that to me, however, it would feel awkward and possibly like an insult. So you just have to be sure of your relationship stage.

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From what you have said it sounds like you are quite nit picky and defensive. Chill out and don't feel the need to make a big deal over irrellevant pointless things.
Reply 6
Unless ypu're bisexual or something don't see why you'd talk to girls and guys the same.

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