Would you rather your children were bullied or the bully?

Bullies are usually suffering more or to the same extent as their victim. Bullies usually have deep insecurities and often go on to lead more miserable lives than their victims. Being bullied can make you stronger, improve yourself and with supportive parents, siblings and friends, the victim can come out on top.

I'm sorry, but I call bull on this. Bullying has not made me 'stronger' or 'improved', nor have I 'come out on top'. It's had the opposite effect. It has made me cynical, unforgiving, misanthropic and unsociable as well as taking away my confidence, which I'm struggling to get back years after it all happened. Even with parents and a sibling who have been more than supportive, there are few people in my life I would truly call 'friends' and that's before we even get to the romantic relationships in my life (or lack of).

In contrast, the people who tormented me have never shown any sign of being insecure or unhappy, either at the time or now. One only has to do a few quick searches on Facebook to see photos of them with their children and their mates, all of them looking as happy as Larry.

Sure, I got far better GSCEs than most of them, but where's the consolation in that when their lives seem to be happier than mine?

My response was entirely serious - no satire intended.

This thread is full of assumptions of which the bully has to be a loser with a lot of insecurities and thus bullying people in a bid to reflect some of their anguish. While the victim is a pure-hearted individual with some AWESOME gift that the bully supposedly covets. And you accuse me of not being serious?


I realise that being bullied is a miserable experience and that all you have is hope, hope that your attackers will lead miserable lives after you graduate from school. But come on... I hate to say it but I've seen plenty of weird and annoying people be bullied.

As true as what you're saying is, you imply that there are some kids who just ask to be bullied, some kids deserve it. It's difficult, where do you draw the line?

Well let me come up with a scenario.

Say there's a kid in the class who acts very camp, so much so that it becomes annoying, because he's recently come out as gay, and now enjoys the liberation and attention of being camp.

Would it be acceptable bullying to constantly refer to him as 'you gay ___' insert whatever swear word you like. Most people would say, obviously not.

But if a classroom of kids gang up on him and laugh at him spitefully, and chant a rhyme about him being camp/gay, would it be acceptable bullying? Because he's going way over the top, he's asking for it.

Well I would say no, it wouldn't be acceptable, it's just rude, it's intimidating, it's humiliating, and bullying just isn't acceptable. That doesn't mean that all teasing is bad. But I think as soon as it goes past this vague line of becoming bullying, it's gone too far.

The child kidnapping thing was to point out the unrealistic factor in OP's question. In real life, you won't have a chance to decide if your child will be the bully or the bullied. That mindset is very narrow-minded and detrimental for the children. This is not the jungle where you kill or are killed. We have a third option. That was my point and the reason I said the question was meaningless. Your desires won't decide the bullying-stance of your child no matter how hard you try.

And no, in a debate where reason reigns insults have no place unless you are intellectually weak which you seem to be. If you think I am wrong then you should use reason to counter what I say. If you don't use reason then you are irrational and whatever you say is nothing but meaningless words aimed to provoke an emotional reaction.

But we're not talking about influencing our children to be bullies or not, 2-we're merely discussing which we'd prefer. So the question is quite interesting, given that a fair number of us will be parents, and certainly not for you to label as meaningless.

3-And I find it quite laughable that you say insults have no place where reason reigns, and then call me 'intellectually weak'

As for your comment about not using reason, perhaps you should've taken that into account before irrationally lambasting the OP

Hold on. Woah, woah.

What kind of bullying are we talking about?

On the whole, I'd certainly say I'd rather they were bullied. People spouting all this nonsense about people who say that 'have clearly never been bullied as a child' are talking absolute *******s. You know it is possible to come out of bullying with difference perspectives? I was bullied (verbally) horiffically as a kid. I was chubby and spotty and no one ever let me forget it. It was awful. It gave me confidence issues for years. But ultimately, I think I won. My mum was loving and understanding, I found friends that were kind, and I left school and discovered a world full of compassionate, caring people at uni. I was bullied, yes, but I think it gave me far greater understanding for the pain people go through and helped me feel really proud of the person I've become now.

In contrast, when I was 14 I made an offhand comment that was really, really cruel about another girl with learning difficulties. She found out and wound up in the toilets crying. I was devastated. I'd never felt so ashamed and disgusted. I didn't understand how I could have ever put someone else through the same pain I had been through. Being bullied affected my confidence, yes, but only bullying someone else ever made me hate myself.

I would far rather my kid was the first than the second. I think character is the most important thing, and to me, being able to accept myself has really been the key to happiness. I don't want to be ashamed of my kid, and even moreso I don't want them to be ashamed of themselves (and if they aren't ashamed of bullying, then they're a bloody sociopath).

So that justifies causing others suffering? isn't it true most people don't like to be hurt?

Bullying amongst adults is less documented, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen as much. It could be down to a person's personal pride for refusing to tell, the fear of retaliation if they have a family, or the fact that some bullying isn't what we conventially perceive to be bullying. It can be on a bigger scale in the adult world.

And, to be fair, bullying is less of a clear cut 'thing' than people would think it to be. People like to categorise it, especially in the case of children, but when does it stop? Could you say that a massive company intentionally putting a smaller one out of business is bullying, or is that just for personal gain and the ruthless nature of business?

What are you talking about?

I don't believe anyone should be bullied let alone an insecure teenager but I digress. In your example, the "camp" boy should learn to behave more conservatively and essentially tone down his behaviour. I am not saying he should hide his orientation but he shouldn't shout about it either.

You're insinuating that causing suffering is good since it makes the victim a stronger person.

I understand how traumatic an experience it may have been for you, but you don't have to let that experience provoke your current feelings. It's up to you how you carry on with the rest of your life; the bullies ?appear? to have done so.

?Appear? is the crucial word, as you aren't to know exactly how they're feeling. We can portray a happy, positive image of ourselves very easily, through media such as Facebook, but who's to know what's really going on in those bullies' minds? You certainly aren't.

I can't give you advice on how to move on, but I can say that it's up to you how you let your bullying experience shape the rest of your life and your feelings-I'd make a positive choice if I were you instead of wallowing in self-pity.