Dad is dragging me down about uni.
My dad is being his miserable pessimistic self again, normally I'll ignore it but this time it's got to me.
He keeps asking about what if I fail, how will I survive, how expensive London is etc and saying that only rich people only go to London uni.
Is this true? Rich people whose parents pay for them go to a London uni?
He keeps asking about what if I fail, how will I survive, how expensive London is etc and saying that only rich people only go to London uni.
Is this true? Rich people whose parents pay for them go to a London uni?
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You get more loan/grant money if you go to London so that isn't that much of a problem (unless your parent earns over the top threshold)
Just tell him that you will not fail, give evidence like you did your A-levels well. I had this problem, you just have to convince them that you are capable.
Just tell him that you will not fail, give evidence like you did your A-levels well. I had this problem, you just have to convince them that you are capable.
Original post by Willbean
My dad is being his miserable pessimistic self again, normally I'll ignore it but this time it's got to me.
He keeps asking about what if I fail, how will I survive, how expensive London is etc and saying that only rich people only go to London uni.
Is this true? Rich people whose parents pay for them go to a London uni?
He keeps asking about what if I fail, how will I survive, how expensive London is etc and saying that only rich people only go to London uni.
Is this true? Rich people whose parents pay for them go to a London uni?
Being from London, and not a very well off part at that, I can honestly tell you that not only rich people go to university in London. I'm assuming that there will probably be more rich people at the likes of Imperial, King's and LSE than Queen Mary's, Goldsmith's and City but they aren't over run by people who go to the races every weekend and are chauffeured about.
Really when it comes to the rich/poor thing, I wouldn't stress about it too much. With the amount of universities in London, which aren't too far from each other, and the vast amount of people you'll find a group to fit in with.
Other than that I'd say ignore your dad, as the other poster said you actually get £2k more than other students for going to university in London and if you know where to shop, ie. not in Kensington, and how to budget you'll be more than fine.
Keep your head up, in 3/4 years time you'll have a shiny London degree
Original post by Chocip
Being from London, and not a very well off part at that, I can honestly tell you that not only rich people go to university in London. I'm assuming that there will probably be more rich people at the likes of Imperial, King's and LSE than Queen Mary's, Goldsmith's and City but they aren't over run by people who go to the races every weekend and are chauffeured about.
Really when it comes to the rich/poor thing, I wouldn't stress about it too much. With the amount of universities in London, which aren't too far from each other, and the vast amount of people you'll find a group to fit in with.
Other than that I'd say ignore your dad, as the other poster said you actually get £2k more than other students for going to university in London and if you know where to shop, ie. not in Kensington, and how to budget you'll be more than fine.
Keep your head up, in 3/4 years time you'll have a shiny London degree
Really when it comes to the rich/poor thing, I wouldn't stress about it too much. With the amount of universities in London, which aren't too far from each other, and the vast amount of people you'll find a group to fit in with.
Other than that I'd say ignore your dad, as the other poster said you actually get £2k more than other students for going to university in London and if you know where to shop, ie. not in Kensington, and how to budget you'll be more than fine.
Keep your head up, in 3/4 years time you'll have a shiny London degree
Thanks, normally I don't winge or bitch about this rubbish and keep it to myself and ignore it, but this kind of hit me, especially as it's future.
It's a huge gamble, go uni and pass or fail, either way I'm in debt and come out with something or nothing.
Original post by Willbean
My dad is being his miserable pessimistic self again, normally I'll ignore it but this time it's got to me.
He keeps asking about what if I fail, how will I survive, how expensive London is etc and saying that only rich people only go to London uni.
Is this true? Rich people whose parents pay for them go to a London uni?
He keeps asking about what if I fail, how will I survive, how expensive London is etc and saying that only rich people only go to London uni.
Is this true? Rich people whose parents pay for them go to a London uni?
Noo the money from the loan covers it and you only have to pay it back weekly once earning more than £21k, it comes out of your pay check so you don't even notice it. Go ahead and follow what you want to do!
and if you fail the first year, that's very little debt because you only apply for finance one year at a time.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by Goodbye
No offence but you dad isn't being the best of dads. London isn't a rich city. Only a quarter/half of it is.
It's going to take a lot more to offend me
He has had a hard life. I admit, I don't have the best relationship with him, same with my sister and mother. We are not a close family.
If you look at my previous posts in the past, you can find out why he is like this. He is a very emotional man believe it or not. Very quick to anger and highly sensitive to the slightest of criticism.
Original post by Willbean
It's going to take a lot more to offend me
He has had a hard life. I admit, I don't have the best relationship with him, same with my sister and mother. We are not a close family.
If you look at my previous posts in the past, you can find out why he is like this. He is a very emotional man believe it or not. Very quick to anger and highly sensitive to the slightest of criticism.
He has had a hard life. I admit, I don't have the best relationship with him, same with my sister and mother. We are not a close family.
If you look at my previous posts in the past, you can find out why he is like this. He is a very emotional man believe it or not. Very quick to anger and highly sensitive to the slightest of criticism.
Oh, sorry - but at the end of the day it's about you, so everyone here on TSR has led you in the right direction so prove him wrong - in a good way hehe
Original post by Goodbye
Oh, sorry - but at the end of the day it's about you, so everyone here on TSR has led you in the right direction so prove him wrong - in a good way hehe
Well going uni and London is because I want to get away from him and my family if I'm honest. Further the better.
Original post by Willbean
Well going uni and London is because I want to get away from him and my family if I'm honest. Further the better.
Yeah, my mum does drag me down, she says '' this will be too hard for you'' ''you won't cope with this and that'' but she has no idea what I cope with everyday and if I tell her she will say I'm weak & stupid so on both sides there is no point so I want to move further away as possible from her.
Original post by Goodbye
Yeah, my mum does drag me down, she says '' this will be too hard for you'' ''you won't cope with this and that'' but she has no idea what I cope with everyday and if I tell her she will say I'm weak & stupid so on both sides there is no point so I want to move further away as possible from her.
Yep, of course Uni's are going to be hard, if they weren't then everyone would have honors degrees. Sometimes parents can be doubtful because it's too hard for themselves, so go and prove them wrong!
Original post by Goodbye
Yeah, my mum does drag me down, she says '' this will be too hard for you'' ''you won't cope with this and that'' but she has no idea what I cope with everyday and if I tell her she will say I'm weak & stupid so on both sides there is no point so I want to move further away as possible from her.
Seriously? Wow, similar boat to me! Except for the 'I'm weak and stupid' part but I've been threatened to be hit if he drinks though, gets quite aggressive.
Original post by Willbean
Seriously? Wow, similar boat to me! Except for the 'I'm weak and stupid' part but I've been threatened to be hit if he drinks though, gets quite aggressive.
Awwwwwww well I wish you good luck and I hope you succeed in life
Original post by Chocip
Being from London, and not a very well off part at that, I can honestly tell you that not only rich people go to university in London. I'm assuming that there will probably be more rich people at the likes of Imperial, King's and LSE than Queen Mary's, Goldsmith's and City but they aren't over run by people who go to the races every weekend and are chauffeured about.
Really when it comes to the rich/poor thing, I wouldn't stress about it too much. With the amount of universities in London, which aren't too far from each other, and the vast amount of people you'll find a group to fit in with.
Other than that I'd say ignore your dad, as the other poster said you actually get £2k more than other students for going to university in London and if you know where to shop, ie. not in Kensington, and how to budget you'll be more than fine.
Keep your head up, in 3/4 years time you'll have a shiny London degree
Really when it comes to the rich/poor thing, I wouldn't stress about it too much. With the amount of universities in London, which aren't too far from each other, and the vast amount of people you'll find a group to fit in with.
Other than that I'd say ignore your dad, as the other poster said you actually get £2k more than other students for going to university in London and if you know where to shop, ie. not in Kensington, and how to budget you'll be more than fine.
Keep your head up, in 3/4 years time you'll have a shiny London degree
I have experienced this myself and I agree
Original post by BC95
I have experienced this myself and I agree
Thanks. I guess talking to people instead of keeping to yourself does help then.
Hate to break it to you, but you're father is probably a narcisstic parent. My mother is the same, she'll say to other people 'I'm sure she'll never pass, she'll never go to uni this year, even if she got 4 offers, she will never be able to hack it. She'll come home crying after just a week. She can never handle independance. Mark my words. She won't make much of her life' she's also told me I'm a failure, that I'll never make anything of my life, even though I'm set to be studying a Law degree in Sunderland this september at the age of 19. She has never been to university, never has gotten any decent qualifications (she has like one nvq level 2) and she's been unemployed for most of her life, we came here in 1997 (when I was 3), and she only started working in 2008, in a job which requires no qualification (carer) and she quit earlier this year, so she could start college again, when she heard I would be studying at uni, (the job centre have also stopped paying her now when they realised she hasn't looked for a single job, she thought she could pull the wool over their eyes and get the 65 pounds a week and not look for a single job) and she will compare us, saying 'I'm going to uni also! My course is better, more difficult, and I'm doing all your gcse's that you did (which she isn't, she's doing basic maths, english and science at the level of 11 year olds, she uses my old stuff I used for studying at that age, she also had no gcse's whatsoever, only a c in art, I got 5 a's) it's pretty pathetic really. She even phoned up my college last year and begged them to kick me out and told them I don't 'deserve' to go to university. She told me she would hack onto my ucas account and withdraw all my choices.
Then around other people, she'll pretend and say she's so 'concerned' about me, that she is certain 'i'll never be able to cope' and that it's a shame 'i can't see that' because 'she can'.
Here's some more info about narcisstic parents (it's quite common):
Narcissism tends to play out inter-generationally. Whereas the "good-enough" parent is confident enough to allow a child's autonomy, "a pathologically narcissistic parent... [may] need to extract a specific performance from the child to glorify [him/]herself."[4] For example, "the nonmirroring father who was preoccupied with his own self-enhancement and... insisted on being looked up to and imitated" [5] may produce a son who "began to see himself as a 'puppet' of his father"—one who "learned early in life to put other people's emotional needs ahead of [his] own."[6]
According to American psychologist Alan Rappoport, narcissistic parents "demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs."[7] Thus narcissistic parents may speak of "carry[ing] the torch," "maintain[ing] the family image," or "make[ing] mum or dad proud" and may reproach their children for exhibiting "weakness," "being too dramatic," or not meeting the standard of "what is expected." As a result, children of narcissists learn to "play their part" and from time to time are expected to "perform their special skill," especially in public or for others. In extension, children of narcissists typically do not have many memories of having felt loved or appreciated for being themselves, but rather associate their experience of love and appreciation with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent.[8] For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been the favorite child, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.
"These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parents' needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional neglect, and criticism. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs."[7]
Vaknin considered that "the narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multifaceted Source of Narcissistic Supply... as an extension of the narcissist."[9]
Then around other people, she'll pretend and say she's so 'concerned' about me, that she is certain 'i'll never be able to cope' and that it's a shame 'i can't see that' because 'she can'.
Here's some more info about narcisstic parents (it's quite common):
Narcissism tends to play out inter-generationally. Whereas the "good-enough" parent is confident enough to allow a child's autonomy, "a pathologically narcissistic parent... [may] need to extract a specific performance from the child to glorify [him/]herself."[4] For example, "the nonmirroring father who was preoccupied with his own self-enhancement and... insisted on being looked up to and imitated" [5] may produce a son who "began to see himself as a 'puppet' of his father"—one who "learned early in life to put other people's emotional needs ahead of [his] own."[6]
According to American psychologist Alan Rappoport, narcissistic parents "demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs."[7] Thus narcissistic parents may speak of "carry[ing] the torch," "maintain[ing] the family image," or "make[ing] mum or dad proud" and may reproach their children for exhibiting "weakness," "being too dramatic," or not meeting the standard of "what is expected." As a result, children of narcissists learn to "play their part" and from time to time are expected to "perform their special skill," especially in public or for others. In extension, children of narcissists typically do not have many memories of having felt loved or appreciated for being themselves, but rather associate their experience of love and appreciation with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent.[8] For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been the favorite child, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.
"These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parents' needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional neglect, and criticism. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs."[7]
Vaknin considered that "the narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multifaceted Source of Narcissistic Supply... as an extension of the narcissist."[9]
•
Turns every conversation to him or herself.
•
Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs.
•
Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you.
•
Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you.
•
Focuses on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior.
•
Expects you to jump at his every need.
•
Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions and ignores your needs.
•
Has a high need for attention.
•
Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases and is flamboyant, loud and boisterous.
•
Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off.
•
Becomes angry when his needs are not met and throws tantrums or intimidates.
•
Has an attitude of “anything you can do, I can do better.”
•
Engages in one-upmanship to seem important.
•
Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming.
•
Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him.
•
Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best.”
•
Seeks status. Spends money to impress others.
•
Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today.
•
Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration.
•
Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants.
•
Does not obey the law—sees himself above the law.
•
Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines.
•
Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings.
•
Tells you how you should feel or not feel.
•
Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions.
•
Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours.
•
Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own.
•
Wants to control what you do and say—tries to micromanage you.
•
Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own.
•
Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you.
•
Has shallow emotions and interests.
•
Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
•
Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
•
May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by beansontoast93
Hate to break it to you, but you're father is probably a narcisstic parent. My mother is the same, she'll say to other people 'I'm sure she'll never pass, she'll never go to uni this year, even if she got 4 offers, she will never be able to hack it. She'll come home crying after just a week. She can never handle independance. Mark my words. She won't make much of her life' she's also told me I'm a failure, that I'll never make anything of my life, even though I'm set to be studying a Law degree in Sunderland this september at the age of 19. She has never been to university, never has gotten any decent qualifications (she has like one nvq level 2) and she's been unemployed for most of her life, we came here in 1997 (when I was 3), and she only started working in 2008, in a job which requires no qualification (carer) and she quit earlier this year, so she could start college again, when she heard I would be studying at uni, (the job centre have also stopped paying her now when they realised she hasn't looked for a single job, she thought she could pull the wool over their eyes and get the 65 pounds a week and not look for a single job) and she will compare us, saying 'I'm going to uni also! My course is better, more difficult, and I'm doing all your gcse's that you did (which she isn't, she's doing basic maths, english and science at the level of 11 year olds, she uses my old stuff I used for studying at that age, she also had no gcse's whatsoever, only a c in art, I got 5 a's) it's pretty pathetic really. She even phoned up my college last year and begged them to kick me out and told them I don't 'deserve' to go to university. She told me she would hack onto my ucas account and withdraw all my choices.
Then around other people, she'll pretend and say she's so 'concerned' about me, that she is certain 'i'll never be able to cope' and that it's a shame 'i can't see that' because 'she can'.
Here's some more info about narcisstic parents (it's quite common):
Narcissism tends to play out inter-generationally. Whereas the "good-enough" parent is confident enough to allow a child's autonomy, "a pathologically narcissistic parent... [may] need to extract a specific performance from the child to glorify [him/]herself."[4] For example, "the nonmirroring father who was preoccupied with his own self-enhancement and... insisted on being looked up to and imitated" [5] may produce a son who "began to see himself as a 'puppet' of his father"—one who "learned early in life to put other people's emotional needs ahead of [his] own."[6]
According to American psychologist Alan Rappoport, narcissistic parents "demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs."[7] Thus narcissistic parents may speak of "carry[ing] the torch," "maintain[ing] the family image," or "make[ing] mum or dad proud" and may reproach their children for exhibiting "weakness," "being too dramatic," or not meeting the standard of "what is expected." As a result, children of narcissists learn to "play their part" and from time to time are expected to "perform their special skill," especially in public or for others. In extension, children of narcissists typically do not have many memories of having felt loved or appreciated for being themselves, but rather associate their experience of love and appreciation with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent.[8] For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been the favorite child, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.
"These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parents' needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional neglect, and criticism. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs."[7]
Vaknin considered that "the narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multifaceted Source of Narcissistic Supply... as an extension of the narcissist."[9]
Then around other people, she'll pretend and say she's so 'concerned' about me, that she is certain 'i'll never be able to cope' and that it's a shame 'i can't see that' because 'she can'.
Here's some more info about narcisstic parents (it's quite common):
Narcissism tends to play out inter-generationally. Whereas the "good-enough" parent is confident enough to allow a child's autonomy, "a pathologically narcissistic parent... [may] need to extract a specific performance from the child to glorify [him/]herself."[4] For example, "the nonmirroring father who was preoccupied with his own self-enhancement and... insisted on being looked up to and imitated" [5] may produce a son who "began to see himself as a 'puppet' of his father"—one who "learned early in life to put other people's emotional needs ahead of [his] own."[6]
According to American psychologist Alan Rappoport, narcissistic parents "demand certain behavior from their children because they see the children as extensions of themselves and need the children to represent them in the world in ways that meet the parents’ emotional needs."[7] Thus narcissistic parents may speak of "carry[ing] the torch," "maintain[ing] the family image," or "make[ing] mum or dad proud" and may reproach their children for exhibiting "weakness," "being too dramatic," or not meeting the standard of "what is expected." As a result, children of narcissists learn to "play their part" and from time to time are expected to "perform their special skill," especially in public or for others. In extension, children of narcissists typically do not have many memories of having felt loved or appreciated for being themselves, but rather associate their experience of love and appreciation with conforming to the demands of the narcissistic parent.[8] For example, a narcissistic father who was a lawyer demanded that his son, who had always been the favorite child, enter the legal profession as well. When the son chose another career, the father rejected and disparaged him.
"These traits will lead overly narcissistic parents to be very intrusive in some ways, and entirely neglectful in others. The children are punished if they do not respond adequately to the parents' needs. This punishment may take a variety of forms, including physical abuse, angry outbursts, blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional neglect, and criticism. Whatever form it takes, the purpose of the punishment is to enforce compliance with the parents' narcissistic needs."[7]
Vaknin considered that "the narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multifaceted Source of Narcissistic Supply... as an extension of the narcissist."[9]
•
Turns every conversation to him or herself.
•
Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs.
•
Ignores the impact of his negative comments on you.
•
Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you.
•
Focuses on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his own behavior.
•
Expects you to jump at his every need.
•
Is overly involved with his own hobbies, interests or addictions and ignores your needs.
•
Has a high need for attention.
•
Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases and is flamboyant, loud and boisterous.
•
Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can’t handle criticism and gets angry to shut it off.
•
Becomes angry when his needs are not met and throws tantrums or intimidates.
•
Has an attitude of “anything you can do, I can do better.”
•
Engages in one-upmanship to seem important.
•
Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming.
•
Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him.
•
Isn’t satisfied unless he has the “biggest” or “best.”
•
Seeks status. Spends money to impress others.
•
Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today.
•
Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration.
•
Threatens to abandon you if you don’t go along with what he wants.
•
Does not obey the law—sees himself above the law.
•
Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines.
•
Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings.
•
Tells you how you should feel or not feel.
•
Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions.
•
Is more interested in his own concerns and interests than yours.
•
Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his own.
•
Wants to control what you do and say—tries to micromanage you.
•
Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own.
•
Has poor insight and can not see the impact his selfish behavior has on you.
•
Has shallow emotions and interests.
•
Exploits others with lies and manipulations.
•
Uses emotional blackmail to get what he wants.
•
May engage in physical or sexual abuse of children
What I don't understand is that my dad wants me to stay at my job (apprenticeship tool room engineer), disagree with and then changes his mind to say that I do what is best.
Then it changes back to saying I should stay where I am.
I don't think he is a narcissist. He just said he can't stop me after my mind is made up.
But when he has his emotional times, he does focus on himself that he wants to have a drink and see his mate for an hour. But again, he does work long hours trying to look after 2 kids (me and my sister).
Your dad sounds very narrow minded.
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