The nice guy syndrome.

I'm a nice guy and i don't do it to blackmail etc like you make out nor do i expect anything in return. I do it because it comes naturally to me. Theres too much generalization here.
I guess biggest problem with us nice guys is we also make a good doormat sometimes for *******s, but that doesn't change anything and i will always be nice i just cut them out my life and move on.

Sometimes i worry if i'm falling into the 'nice guy' trap. I'm not really the needy and submissive type, but i'm not particularly assertive or dominant either.

Can anyone give examples of how to start becoming more assertive in social scenario's?

Just because it comes naturally to you doesn't mean there is necessarily a distinction.

Let's take two examples to find the distinction. Try to honestly think of what you would do;
1 - You are walking out of a restaurant (you are not in a rush for any deadline) and a waiter comes and bumps into you, spilling food all down you clothes and all over the floor. What do you do?

2 - Minutes before the beginning of a lesson, your friend comes up to you and explains that they haven't done their homework, and asks you to say you haven't done it either. What do you say?



Whether or not something is natural has no bearing on whether it is right, or whether it is optimal. Being lazy might come naturally to me, but that doesn't mean I should resign myself to being lazy.

1. **** happens she didnt mean to do it

2. No way thats his own fault

Yes. I had a male friend/acquaintance.. I was fond of him as a friend but felt no attraction to him. He was "nice" in terms of not being overtly arrogant, rude - the quiet, nerdy type.

The problem with him was that he just had no humour / flirting in him whatsoever, and there was something of a slightly wet/needy persona to him, he completely lacked confidence and never said anything of interest (very harsh, and I feel bad saying it, but true). When we spoke I would lead the conversation and he would agree with me, pretty much.

I realised that he might like me as he messaged me very often. So I tried to speak less to him, never flirted with him, basically gave vaguely polite answers to whatever he said (online). He still persisted with these bizarre content-less polite exchanges, to the extent that I really withdrew from them and hoped he was just leave me alone. An example:

Him: "How are you"
Me: "Okay thanks, quite busy. You?"
Him: "Oh I'm fine, had chemistry today."
... no reply
Him: "So how was your day? Did you have chemistry?"
Me: "Yep"

etc

Eventually he asked me out, and I politely told him no, that he was a nice guy but I didn't really feel we had chemistry and I liked someone else (true).

The way to get someone to like you is to build chemistry, exert you personality (even if your personality is relatively quiet/nerdy - some people love that, but you've got to have one!), be interesting/humourous/engage them, show your romantic interest in ways other than just awkwardly stating it. People won't fancy you just for existing and not being obnoxious.

Anyway - the above may all be sad for him but he ultimately hadn't done anything wrong to personally offend me by this stage. I didn't shun him, I tried my best not to embarass him, for him to not have lost anything by saying his feelings. I didn't even feel that awkward about it.

But the story doesn't end there. I started to date someone else (an acquaintance of him), a guy who was nice (values me, respects me, considerate, decent guy) but also confident, funny, and my equal in word play/flirting, with whom I had natural chemistry (just lucky really). At this point "Nice guy" began to bitch about my bf, claim I had been stolen, and it "wasn't fair" I wasn't with him.

Not so nice. He never had me, I'm not a possession, my purpose in life is not to fulfill someone else, it wasn't "unfair" for me not to be attracted to him, and my bf is not a jerk - that's pure jealousy.

I can't be bothered to finish this properly but hopefully people will gain something from that story. It's "Nice Guy" all over.

I'm a nice guy and i don't do it to blackmail etc like you make out nor do i expect anything in return. I do it because it comes naturally to me. Theres too much generalization here.
I guess biggest problem with us nice guys is we also make a good doormat sometimes for *******s, but that doesn't change anything and i will always be nice i just cut them out my life and move on.

that is incredibly annoying that it auto starts

fixd

Yes. I had a male friend/acquaintance.. I was fond of him as a friend but felt no attraction to him. He was "nice" in terms of not being overtly arrogant, rude - the quiet, nerdy type.

The problem with him was that he just had no humour / flirting in him whatsoever, and there was something of a slightly wet/needy persona to him, he completely lacked confidence and never said anything of interest (very harsh, and I feel bad saying it, but true). When we spoke I would lead the conversation and he would agree with me, pretty much.

I realised that he might like me as he messaged me very often. So I tried to speak less to him, never flirted with him, basically gave vaguely polite answers to whatever he said (online). He still persisted with these bizarre content-less polite exchanges, to the extent that I really withdrew from them and hoped he was just leave me alone. An example:

Him: "How are you"
Me: "Okay thanks, quite busy. You?"
Him: "Oh I'm fine, had chemistry today."
... no reply
Him: "So how was your day? Did you have chemistry?"
Me: "Yep"

etc

Eventually he asked me out, and I politely told him no, that he was a nice guy but I didn't really feel we had chemistry and I liked someone else (true).

The way to get someone to like you is to build chemistry, exert you personality (even if your personality is relatively quiet/nerdy - some people love that, but you've got to have one!), be interesting/humourous/engage them, show your romantic interest in ways other than just awkwardly stating it. People won't fancy you just for existing and not being obnoxious.

Anyway - the above may all be sad for him but he ultimately hadn't done anything wrong to personally offend me by this stage. I didn't shun him, I tried my best not to embarass him, for him to not have lost anything by saying his feelings. I didn't even feel that awkward about it.

But the story doesn't end there. I started to date someone else (an acquaintance of him), a guy who was nice (values me, respects me, considerate, decent guy) but also confident, funny, and my equal in word play/flirting, with whom I had natural chemistry (just lucky really). At this point "Nice guy" began to bitch about my bf, claim I had been stolen, and it "wasn't fair" I wasn't with him.

Not so nice. He never had me, I'm not a possession, my purpose in life is not to fulfill someone else, it wasn't "unfair" for me not to be attracted to him, and my bf is not a jerk - that's pure jealousy.

I can't be bothered to finish this properly but hopefully people will gain something from that story. It's "Nice Guy" all over.

I have just encountered this type of guy. I like nice guys, I really do, but this guy put me off because as soon as I said in some form that I liked something, he would tell me in some way that he felt the same, even though if previously he said he hadn't. He literally changed because of what I said, which freaked me out.

Some examples: He told me he has a few beers occasionally, I told him I don't drink at all, couple of weeks later he said he doesn't drink either.

I told him I don't drink energy drinks, he then states he's stopped drinking red bull.

I told him I cook all my food and don't eat takeaways, he starts cooking food and tells me he stopped eating dominos.

I liked the snow at first, he liked the snow. He text me a text saying look outside it's snowing! I text back saying, its March I'm getting fed up of it, he text back saying he doesnt like it either.

You get my drift.