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Boyfriend never wants to have sex, tried talking. Doesn't work.
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Original post by effofex
Did you actually both agree that it would be a *sexual* relationship when you entered it?
As I said, everyone has the right to refuse to have sex since everyone has autonomy over their own bodies. For example, if someone asks you to have sex with them you also have the right of refusal. They can't legally force you.
Probably your sex drives are incompatible at present. There may be some form of combinatorial drug therapy that both of you can take - e.g. if you both see a General Practitioner he/she may be able to provide you with a mild quantity of libido suppressants and provide your partner with a mild quantity of testosterone supplements such that your sex drives match more closely.
As I said, everyone has the right to refuse to have sex since everyone has autonomy over their own bodies. For example, if someone asks you to have sex with them you also have the right of refusal. They can't legally force you.
Probably your sex drives are incompatible at present. There may be some form of combinatorial drug therapy that both of you can take - e.g. if you both see a General Practitioner he/she may be able to provide you with a mild quantity of libido suppressants and provide your partner with a mild quantity of testosterone supplements such that your sex drives match more closely.
It's only recently we've hardly had sex, yes he works a lot but I'd of thought that by asking me to stay over he'd make an effort to have sex... Fed up
Original post by Calpurnia
This ^^^^^^
Seriously, as well as communication, backing off a little bit might be crucial. If you're putting too much pressure on him to perform, what's he got to gain by not living up to your expectations?
You may also want to consider the possibility that he's been masturbating more recently, and his libido has all but disappeared into the convenience that is internet porn. Either way, it's worth asking about. If you wanted to be tactful about it, maybe suggest watching porn together sometime to see how he responds.
Seriously, as well as communication, backing off a little bit might be crucial. If you're putting too much pressure on him to perform, what's he got to gain by not living up to your expectations?
You may also want to consider the possibility that he's been masturbating more recently, and his libido has all but disappeared into the convenience that is internet porn. Either way, it's worth asking about. If you wanted to be tactful about it, maybe suggest watching porn together sometime to see how he responds.
I'm not putting pressure on him though
We've always had sex in the whole 10 months we've been together its always been a sexual relationship... He's even Told me he never masturbated which is why he never lasts long . And he's definitely no got no confidence because he is happy to strip naked In front of me before getting into bed...
Original post by jwshaw89
Some people are just naturally less inclined to sex. There's no template for how men should behave, or how women should behave. Whether this is down to confidence issues or other psychological issues varies with each person. For him, it may not be a 'problem.'
That being said, if he's more willing when drunk, perhaps it's down to inhibitions about sex. Some people are extremely conscious of themselves, causing them to lack confidence in certain situations.
Although you mention that you 'only' stay over once a week, this may actually exacerbate the issue. When you ask him 'what's the point' in you staying over if he only wants to go to sleep, it makes him feel as if sex has to take place every time you happen to share a bed. He then comes to associate your visits with this pressure to have sex, which will only make him close off even more.
Perhaps the solution there is to stay over more often, and simply don't mention the matter to him for a while. He may then relax a bit and be more likely to initiate it. Obviously this wouldn't be particularly enjoyable for you, but maybe it's just something that needs to be done.
It's also dangerous to assume that he's rejecting you. He may not define your relationship by the frequency of sex, but by other things. And if it is an issue with his confidence, I'm sure he'd 'reject' pretty much anyone in the same situation, not just you personally.
That being said, if he's more willing when drunk, perhaps it's down to inhibitions about sex. Some people are extremely conscious of themselves, causing them to lack confidence in certain situations.
Although you mention that you 'only' stay over once a week, this may actually exacerbate the issue. When you ask him 'what's the point' in you staying over if he only wants to go to sleep, it makes him feel as if sex has to take place every time you happen to share a bed. He then comes to associate your visits with this pressure to have sex, which will only make him close off even more.
Perhaps the solution there is to stay over more often, and simply don't mention the matter to him for a while. He may then relax a bit and be more likely to initiate it. Obviously this wouldn't be particularly enjoyable for you, but maybe it's just something that needs to be done.
It's also dangerous to assume that he's rejecting you. He may not define your relationship by the frequency of sex, but by other things. And if it is an issue with his confidence, I'm sure he'd 'reject' pretty much anyone in the same situation, not just you personally.
For the first 6 months if our relationship we would have sex 2-3 times a week.
I do stay over less now which probably has an effect on it. But it's not like every time I'm here I'm asking for sex - but just sometimes it would be nice. To think he wanted to have sex with me. I've made so much effort by buying new underwear, trying to look nice etc. But he doesn't even notice, I love him but I'm so fed up of this situation..
In definitely not mad about sex but we can go 3 weeks without having it and I don't think that's right. I probably had more when I was single.
Original post by Anonymous
That's not a helpful reply, I'm not a rapist! Boyfriends are supposed to want to have sex with their girlfriends!
Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you have to have sex. If he doesn't want to, you can't make him. The 'No means No' adverts applies to girls as well as boys.
BUT If you're upset about this, I think you should ask him why he doesn't want sex. I don't suggest waiting until he wants to go to sleep - I know you said you only saw him once a week, is it possible you could arrange another date so you can talk to him? Just don't wait until you actually want to have sex. (On that note, don't try to initiate sex last thing in the evening - literally if you walk in to his house and say "I want sex now" he won't be able to say he's tired so early on. Because when he says he's tired he might honestly be tired). And ask about him as well - this looks like a 'problem' with him as he seems to have lost his libido. So work stress etc. may be a factor. Don't just be like "I'm annoyed you won't have sex with me", actually take into account his reasons. I personally doubt its anything to do with you or having an affair, it sounds like he really likes your company (hence inviting you over) and the sex issue is something different.
If the worst comes to the worst, leave him, but please don't consider it just yet. It might just be a phase.
I know several guy's who aren't that interested in sex, myself included. The excuse he gives doesn't really fit though so tell him about this, tell him that it's making you upset etc. See what happens and if thing's won't change then you shouldn't be together, sex is a major part of a relationship, no matter how much or little people have it, unless both are happy about how much they do it then they shouldn't be together.
Ok, just to clarify - when someone posts that the boyfriend has the right to refuse sex, they get negged hugely, the general consensus being that he SHOULD want to sleep with her, making his actions unacceptable.
If the genders were reversed in this situation and someone suggested that it were the girlfriend's obligation to sleep with the boy, would that not be met with uproar at how awful that sentiment was?
If the genders were reversed in this situation and someone suggested that it were the girlfriend's obligation to sleep with the boy, would that not be met with uproar at how awful that sentiment was?
I think the whole point that this girl is making is that she wonders WHY her boyfriend does not want to have sex. When brought up he seems to avoid providing an answer, if your girlfriend/boyfriend most of the time said they were "too tired" would you not wonder if they're either not attracted to you, or getting it somewhere else? Since they were more sexually active in the start obviously something has changed and the guy does not seem willing to confront what that change is. It's more about this girl feeling rejected without knowing why than her wanting to pressure him into having sex.
I will be honest, were it me I would try to talk, not when upset but while rational. If there simply is no reason or a reason he won't give then if it were me, I'd try move on, it's obviously an issue for you because it makes you feel insecure about yourself. Sometimes things just don't work out. The decision is yours however, of course. I think you're in your full right to ask yourself, and him what's going on though.
I will be honest, were it me I would try to talk, not when upset but while rational. If there simply is no reason or a reason he won't give then if it were me, I'd try move on, it's obviously an issue for you because it makes you feel insecure about yourself. Sometimes things just don't work out. The decision is yours however, of course. I think you're in your full right to ask yourself, and him what's going on though.
To be honest, if someone wasn't prepared to have sex with me at least a few times a week there's no way I'd remain in a relationship with them. It doesn't matter about gender. It's a completely reasonable expectation of a relationship and it's clear what he's doing is leaving you feeling unwanted and upset. Sometimes people just aren't sexually compatible 
That said, given that you used to have quite regular sex, chances are there's something going on which is lowering his libido, and it probably isn't anything to do with you. The best thing is to talk to him, but if he won't open up then I don't really think there's anything you can do.
That said, given that you used to have quite regular sex, chances are there's something going on which is lowering his libido, and it probably isn't anything to do with you. The best thing is to talk to him, but if he won't open up then I don't really think there's anything you can do.
Maybe you're trying at the wrong times? You say when you've gone to bed, and that he's tired. Maybe try in the morning/day?
But yeah definitely don't force him, and don't dump him straight away before talking to him about this.
Posted from TSR Mobile
But yeah definitely don't force him, and don't dump him straight away before talking to him about this.
Posted from TSR Mobile
It's probably work related stress or whatever.
To all the people saying the OP's boyfriend is gay/cheating, would you still be saying that if the genders were reversed?
To all the people saying the OP's boyfriend is gay/cheating, would you still be saying that if the genders were reversed?
You might want to ask if he's okay... He sounds like a) he cheating on you, b) he's going off you or c) he ahs a problem and would really rather not talk about it. It depends what type of person it is so you can figure out which one is the most likely one.
I'm not going to beat around the bush, every man I've met, been friends with, dated or had a relationship with has always talked about or been very up for sex in general. I know my circle of friends, however, does not represent the whole population in any way.
Therefore, I do know it's possible for some boys to just not be very into that kind of thing, that's all. Nothing wrong with it, and I know that you know you can't force or pressurise anyone into anything.
I'd suggest first talking to him and asking him if he just doesn't enjoy sex very much. Tell him you've noticed he doesn't want to do it, and you were just concerned that something was wrong etc. If he opens up and tells you about a problem, then you can discuss it together and work things out. (There's unlikely but small chances that something else serious is going on - he's homosexual/asexual/cheating on you. I wouldn't worry too much about these, hopefully if any are actually true he would eventually open up or drop a big clue).
If he gives you no answer or an answer you can't work with, and are still unhappy, then as others have said perhaps you just aren't compatible. If differences are met with little problem in a relationship, the relationship can move on fine. However, if differences cause upsets/hiccups in a relationship like they seem to be doing here, then it might be best to end it if it's not working too well. You can remain friends if you wish. That depends on how close you are as a couple and maybe how long you've been together.
I hope you work it out.
Therefore, I do know it's possible for some boys to just not be very into that kind of thing, that's all. Nothing wrong with it, and I know that you know you can't force or pressurise anyone into anything.
I'd suggest first talking to him and asking him if he just doesn't enjoy sex very much. Tell him you've noticed he doesn't want to do it, and you were just concerned that something was wrong etc. If he opens up and tells you about a problem, then you can discuss it together and work things out. (There's unlikely but small chances that something else serious is going on - he's homosexual/asexual/cheating on you. I wouldn't worry too much about these, hopefully if any are actually true he would eventually open up or drop a big clue).
If he gives you no answer or an answer you can't work with, and are still unhappy, then as others have said perhaps you just aren't compatible. If differences are met with little problem in a relationship, the relationship can move on fine. However, if differences cause upsets/hiccups in a relationship like they seem to be doing here, then it might be best to end it if it's not working too well. You can remain friends if you wish. That depends on how close you are as a couple and maybe how long you've been together.
I hope you work it out.
(edited 11 years ago)
Maybe you became fat.
Lot of guys who have low sex drive hates to have sex with fat girls.
Have you charted your weight over last the 10 months? Id say you will notice a considerable difference. There is a good chance you'll notice an inverse variation between your weight and the number of times you had SEXx.
Don't waste yr money on underwater and cheap make up. Just start running and engage in HiGH intensity CARDIO excercise
Lot of guys who have low sex drive hates to have sex with fat girls.
Have you charted your weight over last the 10 months? Id say you will notice a considerable difference. There is a good chance you'll notice an inverse variation between your weight and the number of times you had SEXx.
Don't waste yr money on underwater and cheap make up. Just start running and engage in HiGH intensity CARDIO excercise
He may have personal issues with family, friends or even stress from work that might be bothering him.
I would try finding out if he does have any problems and offer your support to him whilst being patient and giving him some time.
If not have you tried asking him for sex at an earlier time instead of just before bed? That way he can't use the tired excuse...
I would try finding out if he does have any problems and offer your support to him whilst being patient and giving him some time.
If not have you tried asking him for sex at an earlier time instead of just before bed? That way he can't use the tired excuse...
(edited 11 years ago)
@OP, have you tried doing stuff he likes? By "initiate" sex, do you mean you get naked and lie on your back? Have you considered sexy outfits/setting the mood/performing fellatio or other foreplay? What are you doing to make him want sex with you?
Sure, but I don't mind letting stupid crap like this slide since, in the real world, women are far more persecuted than men.
Original post by Anonymous
Ok, just to clarify - when someone posts that the boyfriend has the right to refuse sex, they get negged hugely, the general consensus being that he SHOULD want to sleep with her, making his actions unacceptable.
If the genders were reversed in this situation and someone suggested that it were the girlfriend's obligation to sleep with the boy, would that not be met with uproar at how awful that sentiment was?
If the genders were reversed in this situation and someone suggested that it were the girlfriend's obligation to sleep with the boy, would that not be met with uproar at how awful that sentiment was?
Sure, but I don't mind letting stupid crap like this slide since, in the real world, women are far more persecuted than men.
If you're not happy then leave him.
Original post by RedArrow
Maybe you became fat.
Lot of guys who have low sex drive hates to have sex with fat girls.
Have you charted your weight over last the 10 months? Id say you will notice a considerable difference. There is a good chance you'll notice an inverse variation between your weight and the number of times you had SEXx.
Don't waste yr money on underwater and cheap make up. Just start running and engage in HiGH intensity CARDIO excercise
Lot of guys who have low sex drive hates to have sex with fat girls.
Have you charted your weight over last the 10 months? Id say you will notice a considerable difference. There is a good chance you'll notice an inverse variation between your weight and the number of times you had SEXx.
Don't waste yr money on underwater and cheap make up. Just start running and engage in HiGH intensity CARDIO excercise
Girls in western society are already really self conscious about their weight because of the ****ed up media that won't stop going on about it (look at the crap the pregnant Kim K is dealing with atm), so if the OP had really gained weight I'm sure that would have been the first reason she'd have thought of as to why her boyfriend no longer wants sex. Therefore, as she didn't mention her weight we can all assume that isn't the issue.
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