Boyfriend never wants to have sex, tried talking. Doesn't work.

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He maybe uncomfortable with sex full stop an feel pressured how many girls has he ever slept with do you know if ur the first you might have ti just take it slow with him or do something to really turn him in the mood or relaxed you have to find out what a guy likes u cant just expect him to have sex like that everyone is different hope this helps :smile:

He says he's slept with 7 girls. He's had 2 long term relationships before me.

We used to have sex a lot, maybe 3 times a week. So it's not as if he's never wanted to have sex, it's just recent. He seems all up for it, then as soon as we go to bed he doesn't want to even though it seemed like he did beforehand. I understand he is tired, but I thought he could at least make an effort to do it once a week or something or make sure he has a day when he's not tired, he doesn't work every day! There always seems to be a reason though 'oh I got up early' 'I'm getting up early tomorrow' 'I'm tired' 'I've not long finished work'. Excuse after excuse. Most people work full time and have to get up early/are tired.

Reply 81

Anonymous #1

Original post by un-jardin-sur-le-nil

sounds gay or asexual to me

Definitely not a sexual since we've been having sex for the last year.

Reply 82

username47781

Does sound to me that maybe he's tired, stressed at work or maybe is finding it too routine or a chore

Reply 83

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

It took my boyfriend a very long time to be completely comfortable with me during sex. He always had performance anxiety and had trouble keeping erections during sex. It's only gotten better after a year! I was patient though and it was worth it...

Not saying that there can't be any other potential factors for affecting it...

We've been together almost a year and he was very confident. So I don't think confidence could be an issue now, he knows I love him and like his body etc so don't see why that would change :/

Original post by Jabberwox

Sex isn't the be and end all in relationships, you know. At least you have lovely evenings together.

I know it must be frustrating though and sex is still a healthy part of a relationship, so things may go downhill for you as a couple if this persists. However, I don't think the problem lies with you, I think there may be something wrong with him. Something playing on his mind, perhaps. Or maybe he's nervous/shy about initiating sex? Some people just don't find sex a massive deal, I think I'd rather that than someone who was forcing themselves upon me every night.

Anyway I really think you should try talking to him and confront him why he won't. If he says he's ''tired'', say to him that you know it's not the real reason and firmly tell him that you want to get to the bottom of it, otherwise it could jeopardise your relationship. Don't threaten to dump him, obviously, but I think you should assert that your relationship is at stake if this persists and he doesn't share his reasons with you.

Thanks. He never used to be nervous. Like when we were away for the weekend he was really up for it. He used to always be up for it and initiate it but recently it's always been me who has to, like I've been waiting for him to and he hasn't so I do, then i usually get told no. Which hurts tbh :/

Original post by scrotgrot

Do not instantly jump to the conclusion he's sleeping with someone else. He may just as easily have sexual hang-ups. Is this his first relationship, or his first sexual relationship?

Nope he's apparently slept with 7 girls and he's had 2 proper relationships before me.

Reply 84

*Dreaming*

Maybe he has depression? Which makes you lose interest in everything, including sex... Or he is no longer attracted to you, or possibly asexual maybe?

Reply 85

effofex

Original post by silverbolt

why not get libido uppers for him? Why should she be the one to suffer in a relationship when shes the one that has the issue and hes perfectly alright carrying on - and refuses to do anything about it? I agree that no one should be forced to have sex but in an adult relationship physical intimacy is very important and not just to get your rocks off.

Since she is the one who sees a problem it would be advisable for her to minimize her libido if she wishes to continue to be in a monogamous relationship with her partner. If he also sees a problem with it then it would be advisable for him to seek out libido-enhancing medication.

Reply 86

effofex

Original post by Jaegon Targaryen

Why is this guy getting negged ? If it was the other way round people would be telling the guy to "jerk off " , or find other ways of sating your libido and to leave the girl alone as it is her right ....

Apparently female people are not capable of flicking their own beans....?

Reply 87

Guy Secretan

Maybe he doesn't find you attractive anymore

Reply 88

Aldebaran

Original post by *Dreaming*

Maybe he has depression? Which makes you lose interest in everything, including sex... Or he is no longer attracted to you, or possibly asexual maybe?

I second this. Depression was the first thing that crossed my mind on reading this. How is his mood lately?

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Reply 89

Anonymous #1

Original post by Aldebaran

I second this. Depression was the first thing that crossed my mind on reading this. How is his mood lately?

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When I wrote the post I was upset and probably didn't say everything.

He's been in his new job since November and now he's getting promoted and has been doing loads of training for it so he is quite stressed. He has to start work at 6.45 some mornings so he's up at 5am! He seems quite moody and irritable, not with me but with other things such as his parents who are awfully controlling - his mum wouldn't let him cook his own pasta and he's 23! He also got really angry at the fact that his bag wouldn't open.. I quite often find myself telling him to calm down and not to stress.

I just wish he wanted to have sex with me... I'm not going to force him or anything. I just want him to want me in that way again, because tbh we just act like friends. Eat food, watch TV and go for coffee together atm!

He really needs to just chill a bit. We are going to the pub tonight.. Obviously not so I can get him drunk so he'll have sex with me but I think he needs a break from work and his parents/being in the house. I just want him to be happy and have fun.

I'm quite stressed with uni and my dissertation atm too so it's hard with him being stressed. It's like we both need each others support but we can't give it because we've both got our own problems. His with his parents and his job, and mine with uni!

Reply 90

Tabris

OP, have you actually talked to him about it? Properly, I mean.

Original post by Jaegon Targaryen

Double standards, bro.

Reply 91

Anonymous #4

Original post by sharp910sh

He must be sleeping with another female.

LOL!!!!

Reply 92

nicatre

You can't force someone to be in the mood. If he's rarely in the mood for sex then that's just what it is. It's not a reflection on you or anything similar it's just that his drive is low. If you can't handle that then you need to leave but if everything else is strong then it'd be a pretty crap reason.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 93

SannaS

Woman give him a break just because he doesn't think sex is necessary in your relationships you don't have to think he's a cheat! You have a great time together and males do tend to get tired they are human, he shows you attention in other ways like spending quality time with you and you have a great time together, he wants you for you! Not your pum

Reply 94

dgeorge

Original post by effofex

Effofex sometimes you make sense.

But not this post.

The person who has a legitimate issue with something in a relationship should NOT be the one who has to make the changes. It's the person who presents the problem who should.

Reply 95

Aldebaran

Original post by Anonymous

I suppose you could get him to do the PHQ-9 (search for it on www.patient.co.uk). It's just a screening tool but it might give you an idea if there is something to worry about. Being really stressed could have a lot to do with his lack of desire to have sex and his irritability - but the problem is that if his level of stress is having a detrimental effect on his life (not just his libido) it doesn't sound like he is really acknowledging this. Perhaps you could try talking to him about how stressed he is and if he feels its a problem.

I'd like to stress I'm not a doctor! If you think there is a real problem get him to the GP!

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(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 96

Ultimate1

Original post by effofex

It is his right to refuse to have sex as and when he likes for whatever reason he pleases. It is his body and you cannot pressurize him into having sex just because you want to.

Probably your sex drives are incompatible with each other. If you wish, you may be able to see a General Practitioner to ask for libido suppressants for yourself.

Ironically if the roles were reversed the OP would probably be getting a lot of stick for trying to get sex from his GF and this post would have 100 pos reps and 2/3 neg reps.

Reply 97

Atemukay

Original post by emobambam

maybe he is gay or he just respect you

I fail to see where you got this idea from, it seems as though you are deluded in your statement or you enjoy projecting crazy ideas.

Reply 98

emobambam

Original post by Atemukay

I fail to see where you got this idea from, it seems as though you are deluded in your statement or you enjoy projecting crazy ideas.

that's right because that's never happened before.maybe you're in denial.you are in a serious relationship with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with you.there obviously is a reason why that is

Reply 99

Martyna156

Jeee, so many negative comments here. I am sure he is not cheating on you or is bore of you. Everyone at some point in the live is meant to experience lower sex drive. Talk to him. Maybe he is stressed about him? Maybe something did not go the way he wanted it to and now he is worrying? Family problems? Anxiety issues? Do not jump to the worst conclusions, talk to him and be honest :smile:

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