Keep anon please.
Sorry about the crazy length length!
I've been feeling very down recently. It started first term because, although I got on with my housemates, I didn't really feel as though I was making any close friends I could confide in while everyone else seemed to be forming friendship groups. I cried plenty of times because I was lonely, but it was bearable while I was doing my work and mostly uni was ok, but ever since I got back to term 2 from the Christmas holidays I realised how much I hated uni compared to home. I have made one close friend this term, but I always feel like I'm bothering her with my problems.
I missed probably 90% of my lectures this term and only attended stuff that you get signed into. Mostly I just sit in my room on my laptop all day and only leave it to shower/get food. I don't have the enthusiasm to do anything- most of the time I just don't see the point in leaving my room and getting out of bed and I don't want to inflict my company on anyone else. I feel especially low at night and usually just sit and cry. This feeling will last for maybe a week, then all of a sudden I will wake up feeling really happy and be all cheerful for a couple of days before completely crashing and feeling all miserable again- the thing is it's for no reason really; the smallest thing will set me off. My housemate told me to come and talk to them whenever I feel sad, but I feel too guilty for being such a burden to everyone.
Drink is also a massive problem- I drink most days at uni, but only because it makes me happy for a short time, but then the next morning I just wake up feeling worse than ever. I don't drink in the day or anything like that, but I do drink alone in my room and I have been to campus bars alone and got drunk then lied about it to my housemates and said I was with someone else. I know it's bad, but I can't help It just need something that stops me feeling so low, even if it is only for a few hours.
I think the last week of term made it the worst for me. The housemate who booked the welfare meeting said she would come with me as she'd asked if someone would be allowed to come in the meeting with me, but I told her I'd rather go alone. Anyway, I was scared to go alone so eventually I asked the close friend I mentioned earlier to come with me and I text my housemate to tell her not to worry as I was taking someone because she was fretting that I'd just skip it. Anyway, next thing you know she's calling me yelling at me me I was being ungrateful and that it was a one-sided friendship and I wasn't making any effort with her. I could hear a couple of my other housemates in the background saying stuff like 'tell her not to come running to you again'(I've cried in front of her on several occasions) and 'we won't look after her when she's drunk anymore'. I know it was all my fault for being a crappy, terrible friend, but it made me feel like such a worthless, terrible person. I was already sad, but now I was dragging other people down with me. I sent her an apology email, but it doesn't make my behaviour any better. So yeah, I bought some pills from the chemist and I really wanted to take them, but I flushed them away in the end. I know I would never have done it. I haven't told anyone, but it's never got that bad and the seriousness of it made me realise I need to do something. Anyways, later in that day I tried to say sorry in person, but just ended up having a bit of a breakdown and she told me it was fine and not to worry, she was just concerned for me, but now I'm just convinced all my housemates hate me and tbh I wouldn't blame them if they did. For the rest of that week I only came back to the house to sleep; I just spent the rest of my time in the library.
I don't even know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm going crazy and I feel like such a stupid, whining, prat when there are so many things wrong in the world and I have no legitimate reason to feel like this. I want to be happy and enjoy uni like everyone else. I'm just clearly not coping at the moment. Should I just quit uni and focus on getting better? Maybe I could start the year again next September, but tbh I don't see me feeling any better in the forseeable future. Also, do I need to go to the Doctors? I'm scared of going. I'm starting counselling next term, but is there anything else I can do? I just want to be me again...I was always one of those annoyingly cheerful people before and want to feel like that again. Has anyone else experienced something similar to this at uni? I just don't know what to do anymore and need some advice and it's easier to say all of this to someone I don't know or have to speak to face to face than it is to open up in real life.
Thanks in advance, and again, sorry for the length!