Girlfriend visiting me

I'm in a long distance relationship and we've been planning for weeks her next visit, I've been really looking forward to it and adjusting other plans in order to be able to do this. We won't get to see each other for another couple of months and I thought I was the reason she was coming here.

However, she recently told me that she wants to go meet up with some friends of hers that live around here (but with whom she'll get to spend part of the summer with, anyway). I told her I'm fine with that, because well...I can't tell her where to go; but obviously I'm not. She says she won't be gone for long, but there is just no way she could travel there, have a few drinks with them and then travel back in time for us to go out that evening. So it basically means I have to give up one half of one of the days I had to spend with her (which are really few and far between) and spend a weekend night sitting by myself and inevitably sulking, waiting for her to free her schedule. I can see this going horribly wrong (she being stupidly late despite any promise she makes and me getting angry/ upset/ saying things I'll regret).

I'd like to go back on saying I'm okay with it but I don't want to appear as the evil, paranoid and possessive boyfriend. I still think I'm being reasonable though. I really wouldn't mind her being gone for a few hours but knowing how far she needs to go and what she's like when she has a few drinks I know a few hours will turn into half a day. The thought already ruins it for me, I try very hard to be calm but I think I end up being grumpy with her for no reason. I don't know how to deal with this. Also, I can't go with her to visit her friends, as I don't know them and well she hasn't invited me and I wouldn't be up for it anyway.

Reply 1

dijay_94

I think you should try and go with her to see her friends :smile:

Explain to her along the lines of "Babe would you mind if I come with you to see your friends, the days we have a few and far between and I want to try and spend every precious moment I have with you when you're down given how rarely we see each other" :smile:

She'll understand and see your concern then :smile:

Reply 2

Sheba1

Original post by dijay_94

I think you should try and go with her to see her friends :smile:

She'll understand and see your concern then :smile:

That or he can just reschedule it and wait for few months :smile:

Reply 3

Idle

Original post by Sheba1

That or he can just reschedule it and wait for few months :smile:

If I was in his situation and she was going to see them in the summer anyway but we couldn't meet up for months i'd be quite pissed off. It would obviously depend how much time they will see each other still with her going.

Reply 4

Sheba1

Original post by Idle

If I was in his situation and she was going to see them in the summer anyway but we couldn't meet up for months.

Who wouldn't get upset about it, however that clearly indicates that she wouldn't sacrifice her friends to see him, So why should he waste half of his day patiently waiting for her?

But hey everyone has their own way of dealing with their relationship situations :biggrin:

If I was in his shoes I would just express my opinion about this whole situation to her!!

Reply 5

Sheba1

Original post by HeyCasper

Good Luck Hope it will work out !!

Reply 6

Journeyzap

Hope it works out, though I think this rings alarm bells that things are fizzling out between you two, and I think there might be underlying issues in the relationship =\

Reply 7

scrotgrot

Yours is a reasonable concern, however I can also understand that she might want to take the opportunity to see long-distance friends as well.

The clear solution is for you to go out with them. One night out, one night in, that's the best way to spend a weekend with your long-distance girlfriend.

Reply 8

Llewellyn_J

It sounds like she is losing interest in you mate. ESPECIALLY seeing as you aren't going to see each other for another couple of months afterwards. Honestly, I went through exactly the same thing with my long distance ex gf. At first my ex would sacrifice anything to talk to me, then she started making less and less time for me and I was ALWAYS the one chasing after her to talk. We argued constantly over it all for about 5 months, made me horribly depressed and completely ruined most of my first year of university. She eventually admitted she didn't love me anymore. Now, I despise her for leading me on for so long. You may think you know them and that they would never do that to you, I was with her for over 2 years before things went South and we had an amazing relationship until then, to me she was the perfect girl, but then she just started treating me as if I wasn't there, while insisting that we were arguing all the time because it was my fault but that she was staying with me because she still loved me (all of which i stupidly believed).

Placing you lower in her list of priorities than her friends is always how it starts.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 9

kara1

Original post by dijay_94

I think you should try and go with her to see her friends :smile:

She'll understand and see your concern then :smile:

This is good advise. If she says yes, you still get to see her and everybody's happy. It also subtly expresses your concern for not seeing her, if she says no... Ask for reasons and you'll have to decide what to do from there. I hope it all works out for you, just don't over think it - you'll almost always end up thinking the worst!

Reply 10

scindapsus95

Original post by HeyCasper

So it basically means I have to give up one half of one of the days I had to spend with her (which are really few and far between) and spend a weekend night sitting by myself and inevitably sulking, waiting for her to free her schedule. I can see this going horribly wrong (she being stupidly late despite any promise she makes and me getting angry/ upset/ saying things I'll regret).

How long is she coming to see you for?

Also I think there will be quite a lot of us here who can empathise with that feeling. It seems to be something that happens a lot in LDRs. I can't work out why, but it seems normal. It's a good sign though that you're conscious of how you may act towards her - being conscious of how you may act negatively shows you're aware of how it may be unfair.

Reply 11

Yawn11

Man up and hit strip club or something with your friends.

You're too available.

Reply 12

HeyCasper

Thanks everyone for the answers. I don't don't know what to say, I've already told her on two occasions I would be very upset if she was out for too long, she said she won't be but that just sounds extremely unlikely. Last time she visited she went out with them and she came back after midnight, obviously I have some reason to be worried. She seems very excited about coming here, kept bringing it up everyday for a while and I told her I'm worried about both of us getting our hopes up too much, I was thinking she would take the hint but she seemed to have completely misinterpreted what I said.

I'm very tempted to warn her she'll get uninvited from my place if she doesn't show up on time, though even to me that seems pretty harsh. Yet I am already getting angry about this and it hasn't even happened.

Original post by dijay_94

I think you should try and go with her to see her friends :smile:

She'll understand and see your concern then :smile:

I really can't go with her, it's friends from work, most of them much older than us and they'll inevitably talk about work-related things which I can't contribute to.

Original post by Llewellyn_J

Yeah, that's what worries me. Although lately I've been really busy and she's been doing most of the calling, so it seemed like she was still interested. Just not enough to sacrifice seeing them...

Original post by leannesagoodman

She's only coming for a weekend, which makes it this an issue when it shouldn't be.

Original post by Yawn11

Man up and hit strip club or something with your friends.

You're too available.

That'd be actually good advice (well, skipping the strip club part) if I didn't have so much work to do :/ I was going to be only available for her, didn't plan to do anything that weekend otherwise.

Reply 13

scindapsus95

Original post by HeyCasper

She's only coming for a weekend, which makes it this an issue when it shouldn't be.

Ah, I see why it's annoying in that case. Do you think she feels the same way about coming to see you - as in does she see it as if you have limited time to be with one another, so you should make the most of that time? Or does it feel as if she doesn't value the time you'll have together as much as you do?

Reply 14

superduper9

Okay, my views are a bit more balanced, so you may like this or might not. When you get into a relationship, be it a long distance or you see each other regularly, it doesn't mean the couple have to be in each other's pockets. Sure its great to spend time together and in all healthy relationships, there's plenty of interaction whether at home or going out somewhere. In this case, as I see it, she has 2 days, of which she is going to spend one evening, lets say 6 hours, with her friends. The rest, i.e. 48 - 6 = 42 hours, are likely to be with you, or at least a significant chunk of those hours. Instead of sulking, getting angry at her or spoiling your own mood, why not make the best of it. She's clearly excited and by you laying down "ground rules", which I think are unnecessary, its only going to make matters worse and put her off coming to see you. Instead, I would try to plan something special when she's with you. Focus your attention on something romantic you can both enjoy - nice day out, dinner/lunch, go do something she really likes etc.

If she sees that you're making an effort, she is most likely to try her best to spend as much time as possible with you and most importantly, she'll want to come back and visit you again soon! Also, make sure you try to make trips to see her; its got to work both ways! Best of luck mate!

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 15

Llewellyn_J

Original post by HeyCasper

Yeah, that's what worries me. Although lately I've been really busy and she's been doing most of the calling, so it seemed like she was still interested. Just not enough to sacrifice seeing them...

Oh if she is still doing most of the calling then maybe it's not so bad. As things aren't one sided all the time, then it might be alright. If she is the one that initiates contact with you most of the time then I think maybe this by itself is not necessarily an indicatotion of her loss of interest. It's when her prioritising her friends over you regularly it becomes something to worry about.