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Why can't I take banter

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Applying to Uni? Let Universities come to you. Click here to get your perfect place 20-10-2014
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    Okay so here's problem.

    Everyone in my classes are normally noisy but good hearted people I guess, and they often joke around taking the mickey out of each other, and usually have quite clever responses. However when someone say anything like that to me I have this sort of negative feeling, and if it keep repeating I build up more anger towards the person, if they take it to the extreme then I lash out. But Minor sorts of banter I can't handle. I was bullied it primary school because people said they were 'joking' with me, and I used to be quite upset about this kind of stuff back then. Many people often make quite whitty remarks after the person has said something, but me my throat sometimes goes dry depending on the words used, so instead I resort to swearing because I cannot think of any good replies, I just can't find the right words to say and sometimes depending on how offensive it is, it sticks in my mind quite a lot and I only think of good replies after they've said something, leaving people thinking I'm not friendly, I don't know why I can't take. I noticed that as my high school years gone by (I'm in Year 9) less people have start talking to me less and less, In Year 7 and Year 8 I used to have self confidence to talk to girls but not now, not because I'm shy but because I don't like getting insulted, and now I can't even talk to me friends straight, many people think I will get violent if I take loads of this banter in.
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    Have you talked to your counsellor about this?
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    Could you give us an example of the things that typically get said to you?
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    I think it would be good if you could talk to someone about how you feel, like a close family member or a school counsellor. Just getting things off your chest will make you feel better and then you will also have support to improve your confidence.
    I find it difficult to not take what people have said to heart too so I know that this is easier said than done, but whenever someone banters with you, just try and remember that they are not attacking you! The more your try and improve your confidence, the more able you will be to laugh at the banter and just brush it off.
    Also, when someone makes a joke at you, don't feel like you have to say anything. Just laugh and make it seem like you are not bothered
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Ace Ten)
    Could you give us an example of the things that typically get said to you?
    Just normal stuff I guess people joke around with each other, but I take it to offence.
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Jodie_668)
    I think it would be good if you could talk to someone about how you feel, like a close family member or a school counsellor. Just getting things off your chest will make you feel better and then you will also have support to improve your confidence.
    I find it difficult to not take what people have said to heart too so I know that this is easier said than done, but whenever someone banters with you, just try and remember that they are not attacking you! The more your try and improve your confidence, the more able you will be to laugh at the banter and just brush it off.
    Also, when someone makes a joke at you, don't feel like you have to say anything. Just laugh and make it seem like you are not bothered
    (Original post by ashleighgiles)
    Have you talked to your counsellor about this?
    I don't think my family will really understand, not bad saying but you know and I don't have a school consellor I understand people aren't trying to attack me, but I have no idea how to deal with banter.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just normal stuff I guess people joke around with each other, but I take it to offence.
    You know, people passing off malicious comments towards other people as "banter" is a pretty common strategy. However, in this case it seems like you just need to lighten up, you could be missing out on alot of laughs.
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    I think you're feeling uncomfortable only because of the insecurities you posses within yourself,if you just address them and are comfortable with yourself,not much should really offend you after all it's only light hearted fun(learn to laugh at yourself sometimes)
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    I'll give you one comeback for free that will ultimately get you out of any situation where banter is directed towards yourself.

    "Your mother".



    It's pure gold
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by FutureMedic1009)
    I think you're feeling uncomfortable only because of the insecurities you posses within yourself,if you just address them and are comfortable with yourself,not much should really offend you after all it's only light hearted fun(learn to laugh at yourself sometimes)
    I think this is the thing but how do i address these?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I don't think my family will really understand, not bad saying but you know and I don't have a school consellor I understand people aren't trying to attack me, but I have no idea how to deal with banter.
    Ah I see.
    How about talking to someone outside the family, but who is just as close.
    I had a similar issue with snapping and swearing at people easily, but I tried to refrain myself from even caring (and it worked).
    You could probably take less notice of what people say for now, because it might just grow your banter.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Just normal stuff I guess people joke around with each other, but I take it to offence.
    You're probably quite insecure, or not certain of whether you have genuine friendships with these people or not, have you been bullied before?

    edit: I don't mean this as an insult, I had a similar problem re: banter when I was at secondary school because I was bullied in the rumour-spreading fashion, which definitely makes you more sensitive to this sort of stuff
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Architecture-er)
    You're probably quite insecure, or not certain of whether you have genuine friendships with these people or not, have you been bullied before?
    In my first post it tells you I have.
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    Sounds like hypersensitivity. Perhaps you could talk to a professional? Might be able to help you out as it stems from your youth. You could message the therapists on psychcentral also.
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    (Original post by Architecture-er)
    You're probably quite insecure, or not certain of whether you have genuine friendships with these people or not, have you been bullied before?
    (Original post by Michaelj)
    Sounds like hypersensitivity. Perhaps you could talk to a professional? Might be able to help you out as it stems from your youth. You could message the therapists on psychcentral also.

    Hmm maybe I am, today one of my mates found out I had a middle name and take the mick out of it for a bit, I tried to banter back but I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just kept stabbing him with a pen or punching his back, and I was basically hurting him cause he took it a little to far, I'm starting to talk to people less and less because I don't really want to be insulted so I have to insult them back, so I hardly like to talk to them. I'm 14 in a month I'm going to be 15 so please help out! And if I go see someone, wouldn't it be expensive?
    • Thread Starter
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    I'm normally quite a out going person quite nice I guess if you know me, but I'm changing slowly, I don't really like speaking to people because of fear of insult, even though it's similar to the stuff said to other people, like my friend made fun out of my middle name and I decided to punch him and stab him with a pen, because I couldn't think of any words to counter him, so I decided to hurt him just to take the stuff out of my way, I am also losing confidence speaking to people normally for the same reason, I don't know why but I've been like that for only a few months but it's slowly starting to change me
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hmm maybe I am, today one of my mates found out I had a middle name and take the mick out of it for a bit, I tried to banter back but I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just kept stabbing him with a pen or punching his back, and I was basically hurting him cause he took it a little to far, I'm starting to talk to people less and less because I don't really want to be insulted so I have to insult them back, so I hardly like to talk to them. I'm 14 in a month I'm going to be 15 so please help out! And if I go see someone, wouldn't it be expensive?
    If you tell your mum and dad you have a problem you wish to talk to a therapist about, if they're good parents they will do. Because you're young, with your pattern of traits, you risk a personality disorder in adulthood. Don't confuse this with a mental disorder, it's basically a personality which is bizarre and different to other people; disordered. I say this because you react by harming your friends and avoid people etc.
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    The kinds of vile, nasty and hurtful things passed off as "banter" is getting worse. Personally I don't find racially insensitive, derogatory (as examples) comments very funny at all and wouldn't play along regardless of who it was. Know that there's a line crossing over into bullying and you don't need to stand for it Speak to people you trust or confront the people making the "banter".
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    And if I go see someone, wouldn't it be expensive?
    Does your school not have support structures that you can use without having to pay a professional (if this isn't a huge issue, you might not need to take it to a professional). Your school might be a good place to start.
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    (Original post by Mastermind007)
    The kinds of vile, nasty and hurtful things passed off as "banter" is getting worse. Personally I don't find racially insensitive, derogatory (as examples) comments very funny at all and wouldn't play along regardless of who it was. Know that there's a line crossing over into bullying and you don't need to stand for it Speak to people you trust or confront the people making the "banter".
    While there is bullying hidden as banter, it's wrong to assume that all banter is a form of bullying. This shouldn't get in the way of the OP's social life.

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Updated: April 19, 2014
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