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Should i feel guilty for reporting my abusive boyfriend?

On Saturday night, my boyfriend and i got into a huge argument where he ended up punching me in my head. He's hit me before, even strangled me to the point where i couldn't breathe and left marks all over my face from biting and scratching me. But i thought what he did Saturday would be the last straw and i told him the next morning that i wanted to leave. As i live with him and i have no where else to go i called up the police to ask for a number for a women's refuge. The woman on the phone asked me if i wanted some police officers to come over, to which i replied no. So she took my details and my boyfriend's and told me to go to my nearest police station to make a statement. My boyfriend started telling me he's sorry and that he'll never do it again, he even told me he'll buy me lot's of stuff to make it up for it. I said that im certain that i wanted to leave and he started crying and went into the next room, and i just felt really bad for him. He sounded like he was genuinely sorry for hurting me.

The next day the police called me and asked me why i didn't go to the police station. I said that i sorted things out with my boyfriend and i don't want anything to happen. They told me that they would keep calling me until i did because of the nature of the crime. So on Monday, Tuesday and 3 times this morning the police have been calling me. I ignored all of these calls. Until this afternoon when two police officers showed up at the door. They asked me a lot of questions, like if i was scared of him, if he was controlling, i said yes. And i was told again that the police will take what i've said and make a decision to arrest him because he could be a danger to the public.

Now i've been sat at him crying because i'm scared the police will barge in one day and arrest him. I feel so guilty for reporting him, i don't want him to get into any major trouble. I really don't know what to do. I don't want him to blame me if he does get in trouble, i'll feel like this is all my fault if he's charged.

Apologies for any bad spelling, grammar etc.

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Reply 1
Original post by Anonymous
On Saturday night, my boyfriend and i got into a huge argument where he ended up punching me in my head. He's hit me before, even strangled me to the point where i couldn't breathe and left marks all over my face from biting and scratching me. But i thought what he did Saturday would be the last straw and i told him the next morning that i wanted to leave. As i live with him and i have no where else to go i called up the police to ask for a number for a women's refuge. The woman on the phone asked me if i wanted some police officers to come over, to which i replied no. So she took my details and my boyfriend's and told me to go to my nearest police station to make a statement. My boyfriend started telling me he's sorry and that he'll never do it again, he even told me he'll buy me lot's of stuff to make it up for it. I said that im certain that i wanted to leave and he started crying and went into the next room, and i just felt really bad for him. He sounded like he was genuinely sorry for hurting me.

The next day the police called me and asked me why i didn't go to the police station. I said that i sorted things out with my boyfriend and i don't want anything to happen. They told me that they would keep calling me until i did because of the nature of the crime. So on Monday, Tuesday and 3 times this morning the police have been calling me. I ignored all of these calls. Until this afternoon when two police officers showed up at the door. They asked me a lot of questions, like if i was scared of him, if he was controlling, i said yes. And i was told again that the police will take what i've said and make a decision to arrest him because he could be a danger to the public.

Now i've been sat at him crying because i'm scared the police will barge in one day and arrest him. I feel so guilty for reporting him, i don't want him to get into any major trouble. I really don't know what to do. I don't want him to blame me if he does get in trouble, i'll feel like this is all my fault if he's charged.

Apologies for any bad spelling, grammar etc.


For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing, and it would be his fault if he is arrested. He nearly killed you, have some self respect and acknowledge that you did the right thing. Don't go back to him whatever you do....
(edited 10 years ago)
Reply 2
Your boyfriend's behavior is a rather serious problem. You stated that he has assaulted you several times before the events on the weekend. This means that it he is highly likely to commit similar or worse crimes to you or to any future partner he might have. I understand you have an emotional attachment to him but don't be fooled by crocodile tears. It's more likely that he's upset because he understands the consequences of his actions - this did not stop him hurting you before though.

Unless you attacked your boyfriend first, you must know yourself that you are truly not responsible for his actions. Acting in self defense is the only reason his attacks would be justified and I have a sneaking suspicion that you do not attack your boyfriend, Therefore if he does get charged, it's his own fault and not yours. You are a victim of his assault and he has lowered your self esteem so far that you are feeling guilty for him, when it is he who should be feeling guilty.

Be strong, stand up for your rights and fight what you know to be wrong deep in your heart. Never allow yourself to be mistreated again. This is a start of a new chapter in your life - One where you respect your self.
Reply 3
Original post by meenu89
For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing, and it would be his fault if he is arrested. He nearly killed you, have some self respect and acknowledge that you did the right thing. Don't go back to him whatever you do....


But i feel like he's really sorry this time. Things have been good for the past couple of days, although i am afraid that he might go back controlling me and hurting me. I'm going to uni in september so i won't have that much contact with him and it'll be easier to end things, which is what i'm considering when i leave.

Original post by hoodboilu4
Your boyfriend's behavior is a rather serious problem. You stated that he has assaulted you several times before the events on the weekend. This means that it he is highly likely to commit similar or worse crimes to you or to any future partner he might have. I understand you have an emotional attachment to him but don't be fooled by crocodile tears. It's more likely that he's upset because he understands the consequences of his actions - this did not stop him hurting you before though.

Unless you attacked your boyfriend first, you must know yourself that you are truly not responsible for his actions. Acting in self defense is the only reason his attacks would be justified and I have a sneaking suspicion that you do not attack your boyfriend, Therefore if he does get charged, it's his own fault and not yours. You are a victim of his assault and he has lowered your self esteem so far that you are feeling guilty for him, when it is he who should be feeling guilty.

Be strong, stand up for your rights and fight what you know to be wrong deep in your heart. Never allow yourself to be mistreated again. This is a start of a new chapter in your life - One where you respect your self.


I know what he did was wrong he is very violent. When the police asked me if he's hurt any animals i said no, when in fact he's punched his dog and hit her with a stick before. It's just going to be very hard for me to leave him. It's been 3 and a half years, he was such a lovely guy when i met him. I don't know if i love him anymore to be honest, he always tells me we're "one".

I feel like i'm just venting to you guys, so sorry about that.
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
But i feel like he's really sorry this time. Things have been good for the past couple of days, although i am afraid that he might go back controlling me and hurting me. I'm going to uni in september so i won't have that much contact with him and it'll be easier to end things, which is what i'm considering when i leave.

I feel like i'm just venting to you guys, so sorry about that.


He has been sorry after all the times he has hit you. How many times will you accept that? The next time it could be to late. It is your choice to make, but I, along with the other poster in this thread think you should call it quits.
Reply 5
Get out. Go to the women's refuge. DO NOT feel guilty. He needs to be shown what his actions have led him to, that he can't get away with hurting you like that. Abusers always promise to change but they never do. You need to cut him out of your life because you could end up dead if he carries on.

ETA: What an absolute ****er for punching his dog! That's despicable! Report him to the RSPCA while you're at it! :mad: :angry:
(edited 10 years ago)
Reply 6
Violence tends to escalate. I would get out of there before something more (ha!) serious happens.

You have nothing to feel guilty for.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
On Saturday night, my boyfriend and i got into a huge argument where he ended up punching me in my head. He's hit me before, even strangled me to the point where i couldn't breathe and left marks all over my face from biting and scratching me. But i thought what he did Saturday would be the last straw and i told him the next morning that i wanted to leave. As i live with him and i have no where else to go i called up the police to ask for a number for a women's refuge. The woman on the phone asked me if i wanted some police officers to come over, to which i replied no. So she took my details and my boyfriend's and told me to go to my nearest police station to make a statement. My boyfriend started telling me he's sorry and that he'll never do it again, he even told me he'll buy me lot's of stuff to make it up for it. I said that im certain that i wanted to leave and he started crying and went into the next room, and i just felt really bad for him. He sounded like he was genuinely sorry for hurting me.

The next day the police called me and asked me why i didn't go to the police station. I said that i sorted things out with my boyfriend and i don't want anything to happen. They told me that they would keep calling me until i did because of the nature of the crime. So on Monday, Tuesday and 3 times this morning the police have been calling me. I ignored all of these calls. Until this afternoon when two police officers showed up at the door. They asked me a lot of questions, like if i was scared of him, if he was controlling, i said yes. And i was told again that the police will take what i've said and make a decision to arrest him because he could be a danger to the public.

Now i've been sat at him crying because i'm scared the police will barge in one day and arrest him. I feel so guilty for reporting him, i don't want him to get into any major trouble. I really don't know what to do. I don't want him to blame me if he does get in trouble, i'll feel like this is all my fault if he's charged.

Apologies for any bad spelling, grammar etc.


:console:

OP, you are not in the wrong. Your boyfriend has been absolutely horrible to you on more than one occasion - something needs to be done. Otherwise, he will either continue to hurt you, or go on to hurt more women.

(As another poster as said, report him to the RSPCA, too. He shouldn't be allowed to own dogs if he's going to hit them.)

xx
Reply 8
I too think you should call it quits. I understand why you feel guilty, you obviously care about him, but honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about and you did the right thing. Abusing anyone isn't right. Especially your other half.
Stay strong.
OP, you're boyfriend is a PUSSY and you should go report him again. You're feeling sorry for him even though he's a woman-beating scumbag? He's obviously manipulative and has done a real number on you, you need to snap out of it
Why did you lie to the police about him hurting animals when has has? They must know that is a trait of dangerously aggressive people.
Anyway, I really hope you can see the way he treats you is not okay and IT WILL NOT CHANGE. From personal experience, people cannot change their nature only mask it for a bit.
Please value yourself more and leave and DO NOT GO BACK. Good luck.
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous
On Saturday night, my boyfriend and i got into a huge argument where he ended up punching me in my head. He's hit me before, even strangled me to the point where i couldn't breathe and left marks all over my face from biting and scratching me. But i thought what he did Saturday would be the last straw and i told him the next morning that i wanted to leave. As i live with him and i have no where else to go i called up the police to ask for a number for a women's refuge. The woman on the phone asked me if i wanted some police officers to come over, to which i replied no. So she took my details and my boyfriend's and told me to go to my nearest police station to make a statement. My boyfriend started telling me he's sorry and that he'll never do it again, he even told me he'll buy me lot's of stuff to make it up for it. I said that im certain that i wanted to leave and he started crying and went into the next room, and i just felt really bad for him. He sounded like he was genuinely sorry for hurting me.

The next day the police called me and asked me why i didn't go to the police station. I said that i sorted things out with my boyfriend and i don't want anything to happen. They told me that they would keep calling me until i did because of the nature of the crime. So on Monday, Tuesday and 3 times this morning the police have been calling me. I ignored all of these calls. Until this afternoon when two police officers showed up at the door. They asked me a lot of questions, like if i was scared of him, if he was controlling, i said yes. And i was told again that the police will take what i've said and make a decision to arrest him because he could be a danger to the public.

Now i've been sat at him crying because i'm scared the police will barge in one day and arrest him. I feel so guilty for reporting him, i don't want him to get into any major trouble. I really don't know what to do. I don't want him to blame me if he does get in trouble, i'll feel like this is all my fault if he's charged.

Apologies for any bad spelling, grammar etc.

I understand you'll have a connection with him after three and a half years which clearly makes things difficult, but what he did was terrible and a criminal act.
Someone who stabs you in the back once will do it again, let alone someone who has assaulted you several times. It's terrible that he's taken advantage of your vulnerability, I don't know you so I don't know if you have any combat skills or if you're big/small or strong/weak or whatever, but most of the time boyfriend against girlfriend will not be a fair fight. Just remember, even if you'd left him without reporting his assaults on you, he could still batter other girls. What you've done, hopefully he will realise the consequences of his actions.
PLEASE don't blame yourself! It's not your fault your boyfriend attacked you, you're simply protecting yourself and possibly others from abusive behaviour.
Go to the women's refuge, they'll support you, also you may want to mention his abuse of the poor dog.
Bottom line, he won't change, get out while you're still alive, if he's tried to actually strangle you before that's a terrible sign, be strong, leave and don't look back.
Good luck :smile:
You are not the person in the wrong.

Like other posters have said, he has hurt you before and I'm sure he's been very sorry about it before, yet it hasn't changed. What makes you think it will change this time? he says he loves you and I'm sure he loves his dog too, but you

It seems that the violence is escalating and many women in abusive relationships are most badly injured or worse killed, when they're planning to leave, or are trying too. You need to get out of this relationship before something happens to you. The phone number for the national 24 hour domestic violence help line
0808 2000 247. Phone them, find a place you can go and get out now, before something happens to you.
[h="3"]National 24 hour Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247[/h]
If you ask me I think you did the right thing.
He's physically hurt you and nearly killed you at one point. The thing is violence in relationships usually tends to continue and get worse.
You made the right call to report him and get out before it's too late.
Reply 14
Original post by meenu89
For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing, and it would be his fault if he is arrested. He nearly killed you, have some self respect and acknowledge that you did the right thing. Don't go back to him whatever you do....


You absolutely did the right thing. Do not feel sorry for someone who treats you in this way, as the reality is that its most likely to continue even if he did apologise. After reading this I feel very sorry that you had to go through this, as there are many men out there who wouldn't dream of touching you in that manner. You did the right thing, don't beat yourself up about it, if someone acts in such a horrible way it's only fair they face the consequences. I hope everything goes well :smile:
You deserve better and don't need to put up with a violent boyfriend. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would treat you much better.

Your boyfriend may well be very sorry for punching you, and may be a good guy who just has anger/insecurity issues. I know you love him, and the best thing you can do is to help him to sort out his problems. You've done this by phoning up the police. Hopefully he will either realise he needs to change his ways or get the help he may need to sort himself out. You've done him a favour.

But, your relationship is over. It's best for him too. He needs to learn that he can't resort to violence in relationships. If you just get back with him, there is no real consequence to his actions.
Reply 16
It's good that you reported him. 'Once a beater always a beater', you can ask Chris Brown to back up my statement.
Original post by Anonymous
But i feel like he's really sorry this time. Things have been good for the past couple of days, although i am afraid that he might go back controlling me and hurting me. I'm going to uni in september so i won't have that much contact with him and it'll be easier to end things, which is what i'm considering when i leave.



I know what he did was wrong he is very violent. When the police asked me if he's hurt any animals i said no, when in fact he's punched his dog and hit her with a stick before. It's just going to be very hard for me to leave him. It's been 3 and a half years, he was such a lovely guy when i met him. I don't know if i love him anymore to be honest, he always tells me we're "one".

I feel like i'm just venting to you guys, so sorry about that.


For the love of god please listen to what people are telling you here, you have to get out of this. He will hurt you again, he a sick scumbag. Naturally you will feel like it is your fault and you deserve it, but let me tell you this. You do not deserve to be beaten up, reporting him is a brave thing to do. Now you must take the next steps and get out because one of these days he could do worse than hurt you. They always says they are sorry and they will change but believe me he will not change.
Hi
I am really glad you got in touch.
What you describe is a serious assault and one that I am very concerned about. I am not surprised the police have been so insistent in trying to get hold of you. I want to try to help you understand why they are so worried.
You have mentioned some very high risk abuse. One of the main things was that your boyfriend tried to strangle you. The reason the police will have wanted to speak to you is because they will be worried about your safety.

This is not nice to hear but it is important that you know that strangulation is the most common way that people die in domestic violence incidents. Therefore when the police did not get hold of you on the phone, they would have been very worried which is why they came round, to make sure you were ok.

The police have the power to arrest him, even if you don't press charges. This is so they can keep you safe, as often victims of abuse are too scared to report what happened.
It is very common for people who have been abusive to say sorry and to get upset and beg for forgiveness. However, you have said that he has been abusive before and unfortunately, it is likely that he will be again.
Two women a week in the UK are killed by partners or ex partners so this is very serious.
It is NOT your fault if he is arrested, it is only ever the fault of the person who chose to be abusive.

We need to make sure you are safe, if you want to tell me roughly where in the country you live and how old you are (you can inbox me privately, don't put this info on the public forum)- i can tell you the details of some brilliant support services who can support you. It is also important to tell the police what happened and what you are scared of. There are lots of people who can help and keep you safe.

Please let me know how you are,
take care
jo



Original post by Anonymous
On Saturday night, my boyfriend and i got into a huge argument where he ended up punching me in my head. He's hit me before, even strangled me to the point where i couldn't breathe and left marks all over my face from biting and scratching me. But i thought what he did Saturday would be the last straw and i told him the next morning that i wanted to leave. As i live with him and i have no where else to go i called up the police to ask for a number for a women's refuge. The woman on the phone asked me if i wanted some police officers to come over, to which i replied no. So she took my details and my boyfriend's and told me to go to my nearest police station to make a statement. My boyfriend started telling me he's sorry and that he'll never do it again, he even told me he'll buy me lot's of stuff to make it up for it. I said that im certain that i wanted to leave and he started crying and went into the next room, and i just felt really bad for him. He sounded like he was genuinely sorry for hurting me.

The next day the police called me and asked me why i didn't go to the police station. I said that i sorted things out with my boyfriend and i don't want anything to happen. They told me that they would keep calling me until i did because of the nature of the crime. So on Monday, Tuesday and 3 times this morning the police have been calling me. I ignored all of these calls. Until this afternoon when two police officers showed up at the door. They asked me a lot of questions, like if i was scared of him, if he was controlling, i said yes. And i was told again that the police will take what i've said and make a decision to arrest him because he could be a danger to the public.

Now i've been sat at him crying because i'm scared the police will barge in one day and arrest him. I feel so guilty for reporting him, i don't want him to get into any major trouble. I really don't know what to do. I don't want him to blame me if he does get in trouble, i'll feel like this is all my fault if he's charged.

Apologies for any bad spelling, grammar etc.
(edited 10 years ago)
PS - I have just seen your reply to someone else about the animal abuse.

The reason the police asked this is because there is a link between people who abuse animals and people who commit domestic violence. They need to know the truth so they can properly work out what his risk is.

I train professionals about how to assess risk to people in these situations so please believe me that these questions are asked for a reason and all the information they can get can keep you safer.

Jo

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