The Student Room Group

"Don't look for a girlfriend/boyfriend" Is that true or complete crap?

I am sure you have all heard the saying that you shouldn't look for a girlfriend or boyfriend. Simply get on with your life and it will happen when you least expect it.

In your opinion is this true or complete crap?

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Reply 1
I think they are saying people should wait for a random moment in time when two people simultaneously fancy each other.

I'm not waiting for that, I'd rather stick to approaching girls I find attractive. Each to their own I suppose.
Well, you shouldn't go out with someone for the sake of it - just be happy being yourself (which will probably make you more attractive), and that is when you will meet new people, one of which might just capture your interest - and because you weren't looking or pursuing dead ends, you will be completely free to go be happy with that person.
I agree, but then I guess that's because I've only met boyfriends when I've not been looking!
Reply 4
Original post by Journeyzap
Well, you shouldn't go out with someone for the sake of it - just be happy being yourself (which will probably make you more attractive), and that is when you will meet new people, one of which might just capture your interest - and because you weren't looking or pursuing dead ends, you will be completely free to go be happy with that person.


This.
Reply 5
I agree.

If your constantly looking then you look desperate, if you just forget about the opposite sex and go out and about and just have fun, living your life, the confidence and happiness will make you far more attractive.
Reply 6
It's crap. Life is not a romantic or Disney film. I guess you're a girl then you will get guys trying it on with you and will meet one you like eventually. But for guys the saying is rubbish.
Really depends what you're life is like. If you're stuck indoors most of the time, you're not going to find anyone. If you're out and about quite a lot though then you're much more likely to find someone you like by accident.

Must be said though, actually approaching people you like the look of isn't exactly going to limit your chances of finding someone - obviously, quite the opposite is true.
It's like when you're looking for something and you never find it, but once you stop looking it magically appears :biggrin:
Original post by Mr Smurf
It's crap. Life is not a romantic or Disney film. I guess you're a girl then you will get guys trying it on with you and will meet one you like eventually. But for guys the saying is rubbish.


Eh, I dunno. I've fallen into about 60% of my relationships (as far as I can remember, anyway). For the most part I've rarely bothered pursuing someone because I'm absolutely terrible at talking to women. Some that I have pursued I've been lucky with, and the rest just kinda fell into place with little or no effort on my behalf.
Reply 10
Yer right, sit in your room all day playing computer games because at some point this gorgeous girl will just walk into your room and ask yu to play with her instead...

You at least have to be out in the world and be social. Actually going up and talking to a girl / guy you find attractive certainly wouldn't hurt either. Again, they won't just come up to you and ask you to be their boyfriend / girlfriend (how would they even know you fancied them if you don't even talk to them?!).

I think what the advice originally meant to say was: "Wish for a girl, but don't actively look for one. Be happy with who you are, be social, talk to people, be open and be involved in life. So, want a girlfriend but don't need a girlfriend. Then love will find you."

Oh and obviously don't make the first girl/guy who seems to like you your gf/bf if you can't stand them. There's no point in being in a relationship just for the sake of a relationship.
(edited 10 years ago)
tbh, I think it's right not to look for a partner. This doesn't necessarily mean not putting yourself on the market, or reserving yourself completely for the one, it just means not looking for every opportunity to start a relationship with someone.

I was enjoying the single life, and my boyfriend came along, we're best of friends and a great couple. It's a great relationship, and I didn't go looking for him.
I don't really feel like just because you are "looking" you wouldn't find a partner, I feel like just remaining active and social in your life so you meet more people and remembering a relationship is only part of your life and doesn't define you is the way to go! I guess by this I mean, for me, I'm single, I'm not looking but if I meet someone then great. If I don't then I'll carry on with my University application, working, travelling etc :smile:
I would say don't look, chances are if you're that concious of wanting a partner you're not necessarily ready, when you meet the person you really like you'll know, and that'll be the point you become proactive about being in a relationship, with them :smile:
Reply 14
Original post by oluwakendrick
I think it's right not to look for a partner. [...] putting yourself on the market [...] enjoying the single life [...]

not looking for every opportunity to start a relationship with someone. [...]


This.
how do you start a relationship? do you just ask?
Reply 16
Complete crap.
Obviously crap for men - they have to approach women for anything to happen, and women they find attractive and whom seem like relationship material if they want more.
But for girls too.
- Approachability. You can't stand in a group of girls (or worse yet - men), with arms crossed against your body and a sour puss and expect men to approach you. Smile, have an open body language, don't go out with men and limit the amount of girls you're with. No man wants to approach 5 girls and then be responsible for entertaining the whole group (or worse yet, be made fun of in front of them).
- Attractiveness. Doing your hair and makeup once a month going to a club doesn't count. Some girls seem to think of their league according to their potential. It doesn't matter if you can be an 8 dressed up, if that happens once in a fortnight. What you look like daily is your level. If you go to school or work in sweat pants and sneakers, you're a a 4 maximum and don't expect to attract men beyond that. Take care of yourself if you want to appear feminine and most importantly - someone who's positive, likes to feel good and embraces life, not just "goes through it".
- Filtering. If you spend your time with morons, *******s, men who "aren't looking for commitment", "just want to be friends" or "focusing on work right now", you won't find the guy. For any attractive woman, filtering is a big part of it. You are responsible for your own romantic happiness and any time spent with time-wasters, is time off the market when you COULD have met the right guy.
- You have to put yourself out there. You won't meet a man unless you're meeting men. Over a year you can be around 100,000 who's eligible, 10,000 who likes you, 100 who approaches you, 10 you like back, 5 who goes beyond a second date which will result in 1 who turns into a relationship. And that relationship won't necessarily result in marriage. Some women are desperate and will schedule a date with anyone who approaches them. But if you have standards, chemistry is rare and the women who get men they are compatible with long term expose themselves to loads of men. That perfect one won't come knocking at your door. You have to expand your social circle, meet people at school or work, go to parties, go to the gym, go to bars and have hobbies to meet men daily if you are to find the right guy. For the one right guy there are 1000 wrongs.

These could also be turned around to men - except approachability. Finding the right person doesn't "just happen". Sure when it does happen it feels like a coincidence, but there were steps leading up to that. Ignore people who say "don't change" and "it happens when it happens". If you're under 25, you have a lot of improving and growing up to do. The idea that people are fully formed as an 18 year old is bizarre. You have to improve yourself. If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Millie228
Complete crap.
Obviously crap for men - they have to approach women for anything to happen, and women they find attractive and whom seem like relationship material if they want more.
But for girls too.
- Approachability. You can't stand in a group of girls (or worse yet - men), with arms crossed against your body and a sour puss and expect men to approach you. Smile, have an open body language, don't go out with men and limit the amount of girls you're with. No man wants to approach 5 girls and then be responsible for entertaining the whole group (or worse yet, be made fun of in front of them).
- Attractiveness. Doing your hair and makeup once a month going to a club doesn't count. Some girls seem to think of their league according to their potential. It doesn't matter if you can be an 8 dressed up, if that happens once in a fortnight. What you look like daily is your level. If you go to school or work in sweat pants and sneakers, you're a a 4 maximum and don't expect to attract men beyond that. Take care of yourself if you want to appear feminine and most importantly - someone who's positive, likes to feel good and embraces life, not just "goes through it".
- Filtering. If you spend your time with morons, *******s, men who "aren't looking for commitment", "just want to be friends" or "focusing on work right now", you won't find the guy. For any attractive woman, filtering is a big part of it. You are responsible for your own romantic happiness and any time spent with time-wasters, is time off the market when you COULD have met the right guy.
- You have to put yourself out there. You won't meet a man unless you're meeting men. Over a year you can be around 100,000 who's eligible, 10,000 who likes you, 100 who approaches you, 10 you like back, 5 who goes beyond a second date which will result in 1 who turns into a relationship. And that relationship won't necessarily result in marriage. Some women are desperate and will schedule a date with anyone who approaches them. But if you have standards, chemistry is rare and the women who get men they are compatible with long term expose themselves to loads of men. That perfect one won't come knocking at your door. You have to expand your social circle, meet people at school or work, go to parties, go to the gym, go to bars and have hobbies to meet men daily if you are to find the right guy. For the one right guy there are 1000 wrongs.

These could also be turned around to men - except approachability. Finding the right person doesn't "just happen". Sure when it does happen it feels like a coincidence, but there were steps leading up to that. Ignore people who say "don't change" and "it happens when it happens". If you're under 25, you have a lot of improving and growing up to do. The idea that people are fully formed as an 18 year old is bizarre. You have to improve yourself. If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.


Best post I've read on the relationship section in a very long time

"Please rate some other members before rating this member again." :colonhash:
Reply 18
Original post by Millie228
Complete crap.
Obviously crap for men - they have to approach women for anything to happen, and women they find attractive and whom seem like relationship material if they want more.
But for girls too.
- Approachability. You can't stand in a group of girls (or worse yet - men), with arms crossed against your body and a sour puss and expect men to approach you. Smile, have an open body language, don't go out with men and limit the amount of girls you're with. No man wants to approach 5 girls and then be responsible for entertaining the whole group (or worse yet, be made fun of in front of them).
- Attractiveness. Doing your hair and makeup once a month going to a club doesn't count. Some girls seem to think of their league according to their potential. It doesn't matter if you can be an 8 dressed up, if that happens once in a fortnight. What you look like daily is your level. If you go to school or work in sweat pants and sneakers, you're a a 4 maximum and don't expect to attract men beyond that. Take care of yourself if you want to appear feminine and most importantly - someone who's positive, likes to feel good and embraces life, not just "goes through it".
- Filtering. If you spend your time with morons, *******s, men who "aren't looking for commitment", "just want to be friends" or "focusing on work right now", you won't find the guy. For any attractive woman, filtering is a big part of it. You are responsible for your own romantic happiness and any time spent with time-wasters, is time off the market when you COULD have met the right guy.
- You have to put yourself out there. You won't meet a man unless you're meeting men. Over a year you can be around 100,000 who's eligible, 10,000 who likes you, 100 who approaches you, 10 you like back, 5 who goes beyond a second date which will result in 1 who turns into a relationship. And that relationship won't necessarily result in marriage. Some women are desperate and will schedule a date with anyone who approaches them. But if you have standards, chemistry is rare and the women who get men they are compatible with long term expose themselves to loads of men. That perfect one won't come knocking at your door. You have to expand your social circle, meet people at school or work, go to parties, go to the gym, go to bars and have hobbies to meet men daily if you are to find the right guy. For the one right guy there are 1000 wrongs.

These could also be turned around to men - except approachability. Finding the right person doesn't "just happen". Sure when it does happen it feels like a coincidence, but there were steps leading up to that. Ignore people who say "don't change" and "it happens when it happens". If you're under 25, you have a lot of improving and growing up to do. The idea that people are fully formed as an 18 year old is bizarre. You have to improve yourself. If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.


I can't +rep you again, sadly, but can I just say what an excellent post this is? :smile: So true - you can't just sit indoors all day, or not take care of your appearance, or put yourself out there generally and expect for The One to just come knocking. You can't force someone to be attracted to you but you can defo improve your chances.
True.

For me, it's always a chance encounter - whether I ask him or he asks me. I don't set out that morning looking to meet someone. If it happens then it happens.

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