One of my previous boyfriends used to always say things to me such as if he had done something wrong and I was upset about it, that i was being 'irrational' and 'crazy' and that being upset about it wasnt 'normal' and I was only upset or reacting that way because i had 'depression'. these sort of things really effected me, i didnt know what to think, and being 'in love' I believed him. so when his friends mocked me or were horrible to me, i couldnt be upset about it because that was 'abnormal'. i eventually broke up with him, he was heartbroken and knew what to say to hurt my feelings, and said things such as 'everyone says they dont like you' and would always taunt me by saying that one of my friends had said something bad about me, but he would never say who said it (most likely no one did) but his aim was to make me not trust any of my friends, accuse them of these imaginary things so that his crap about me being 'mentally unwell' looked to be true.
i think all of that is still effecting me now, years later. as a result i have driven away the majority of my friends. i dont trust anyone. i feel like everyone is out to get me and that anyone who is my friend must be eventually going to hurt me or is deceitful in some form. this has led to me causing arguments and conflict and lashing out at people. and they dont understand, they think im just being horrible or that theres 'something wrong' with me. which is very frustrating because im torn between reality and not being able to trust people, thinking they must all be lying. i know my ex played on my insecurities and said these things so that it became a self fulfilling prophecy, but i want to know how to change and if this is a real mental illness i have or whether this is something i can get over by myself.
i will have random outbursts or feelings of overwhelming sadness, crying for no reason, and its like i become a different person, but its not something i can just shake off or break free from, its like it takes over me, i argue with people and get upset and act overly sensitive. its really effecting my friendships. and i dont know how to make it stop. these will happen every couple of days or so. then i will suddenly just become 'normal' again and i try to repair things but people either dont want to know or they're "fed up" of me. i feel like im really struggling with this because i dont want to end up isolating myself.
i have been to my doctors and due to a past history of feeling depressed and being on antidepressants, she said i should come off my contraceptive pill (i believed that when i PMS'd i became extreme in these moods). i feel like i havent really had any support.. last year i attempted suicide and nothing has been said or done. whereas a friend of mines told me they are getting CBT and regularly see a therapist, when they have never attempted suicide and have no intention to, they just feel low occasionally. i feel like if i go back to the doctors i wont be taken seriously or listened to. my mother has a mental illness and i feel a great anxiety that im turning into her. but as my title suggests, i dont know if this is all stemming from the gaslighting or if i genuinely have something wrong with me, or if that has caused me to have something wrong with me.