PLEASE READ. MAY LOOK LONG BUT I REALLY NEEDED YOU GUYS TO UNDERSTAND.
Hey well basically. I've known this guy since kids. But he's in one country and i'm in another. When the year 2012 came i went to my hometown/country land (whatever). And he too goes there every year. We both live in the same big house every year. I thought he was amazing, sweet, sensitive and a very humble guy + sexy. The first year there was rumors going around with my cousins saying that he really likes me. And since my culture is totally against love before marriage- so a bit like arranged marriage, i was forbidden to love him. So i told everyone that i didn't feel that way. They told me to tell him to back off. But i didn't because i felt the same as he did. That year went, but during that time you could tell he liked me and i liked him. The next year, i promised myself i wasn't going to waste time. So eventually after a like 2 weeks he told me he loved me. With his eyes full of warmth and voice so deep. I couldn't tell him i felt the same. Because if anyone found out, that is my future in the bin. If anyone found out, no one would marry me, my name would be blackened and i would have been in deep **** with my parents and family etc.. He's a close family friend, so we all know each other. Eventually i came out with it. I told him i felt the same. He flirted, kissed, held hands, etc.. etc.. no details needed. We were captured by each other extremely. But then i had to leave... He made me promise to make a facebook account, to stay in contact. So i did. But that is forbidden too... So at home was a risky situation. We texted for about 3 months until January when i had to stop. Because i had this terrible feeling my mum was going to find out. He begged me to stay, cried , said he'll kill himself... But i eventually became harsh and said no sorry. And left. Permanently deleting my fb. Deleting all memories. Untill May i had gone crazy, didn't eat much, cried every night etc.. May was when i couldn't take it no more. I made an account again. He hated me. His words stabbed me in my heart. But i never blamed him. It was my problem. But eventually after tears and pain i was about to say leave since he wanted me to. But he said; wait. I still love you. After that we were one again. But deeper than before. I had changed. I didn't care if my future was going to get ruined, or if no one will marry me. I only wanted/needed him. It felt like God had made him from scratch for me. We were truly meant to be. Meanwhile at home, parents had a few issues, and i have bruxism- i grind a lot due to stress, but my teeth are still fine. Thankfully... But because i had so much on my plate, a Diary seemed to aid everything. I wrote everything down every night and hid it too. One day came in June, 3 days before my mum was going to my hometown and he too was already there. I couldn't go that year. But anyways i was out, until like 4pm. And when i come home my wardrobe has been bombarded. And the diary was exposed. My mum's words hissed in my ears. The hissing really killed me. I hyperventilated, muscles deformed etc.. The ambulance came and calmed me down. She hissed and hissed and hissed, it drove me to deep depression. I believe i couldn't go on. I've had anger problems for a long time. So my mum left, made me swear to God and swear on her life that i won't contact him. So when i left him, i made sure he knew i loved him. I said i was sorry and loved him forever and im waiting for him. He didn't understand. He pleaded again and i didn't understand why he didn't understand. So lastly i said i love you, and left him in a better way than before. I didn't delete the fb account because that hurt him a lot before... I was scared he would hate/forget me. A month later my bestfriend/cousin; who knows everything told me shes spoken to him. she said he loves you, is waiting for you and that he understands. This gave me relief. Like a weirdo, i spoke to him every night/ a star in the night sky, instead of a stupid diary. This year, March was when i searched him after nights of tears. Usually you could only see his youtube acc, but i saw his fb acc instead. He's happy( which makes me happy), but some pictures show a sense of hate. Like a picture quoting; it's better to be alone so no one hurts you. And also, he has friends tht are girls now( which isn't a problem), but he comments on their pictures like; beautiful, and sends picture msg; like a strawberry puppet kissing an apple puppet)- which does make me a little jealous. But the main problem is, i can tell he hates me. But i'm confused... My BF/cousin told me he loves me, is waiting and understands... Why has he changed. I don't expect him to forgive me fully. But it wasn't my fault completely. I truly do love him, and i know he loves me.. But i don't understand anything. I'm not a emotionl, depressed chick... I put a smile on and act like im okay. I've learnt to be a professional at that since nursery... But i do cry every night. I'm going to my hometown this year.. I'll see him after two years.. I'm scared his words will kill me. Scared he'll hate me and reject me. I don't know what to do.. And my mum will be with me and will hardly let me see him.. Help please.