The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre Mark II
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This is a little long but I will be so grateful to anyone who reads it and helps me out.
Basically I've been in a 10month long distance relationship with a girl who is bi-polar. I love her more than anything but 3 days ago she broke up with me for another guy.
I just don't understand because we were completely happy and yes her being bi-polar got tough sometimes but I was always there for her and would never even dream of hurting her in a million years. She's my world and my heart is completely broken right now.
Everything was great but two weeks ago she was grounded by her parents, who are horrible to her, we only talked once half way through her grounding when she managed to get her sisters phone and during she told me she really loves me. Then a week later she finally gets back and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and has found a new guy. But when I asked her if she meant what she said a week ago she said yes. I don't know if this is her bi-polar and honestly I'm feeling awful for wishing it is because I hate that she has to have it and suffers because of it.
Our last conversation was on Skype last night and we both cried and I asked her to think about us and everything we had and how much I love her, and then come back t me in a week and tell me how she feels. She agreed but all I can think of is her with that guy and I'm finding it so difficult to not say anything in fear of losing her for good. I really do want to give her space to think if that will help though.
I just need someone to talk to or get some advice because all I want to do is win her back. I feel completely dejected right now and it's probably pathetic because I can't stop crying. She means literally everything to me and there's nothing I wouldn't or didn't do to make her happy and feel better.
Basically I've been in a 10month long distance relationship with a girl who is bi-polar. I love her more than anything but 3 days ago she broke up with me for another guy.
I just don't understand because we were completely happy and yes her being bi-polar got tough sometimes but I was always there for her and would never even dream of hurting her in a million years. She's my world and my heart is completely broken right now.
Everything was great but two weeks ago she was grounded by her parents, who are horrible to her, we only talked once half way through her grounding when she managed to get her sisters phone and during she told me she really loves me. Then a week later she finally gets back and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and has found a new guy. But when I asked her if she meant what she said a week ago she said yes. I don't know if this is her bi-polar and honestly I'm feeling awful for wishing it is because I hate that she has to have it and suffers because of it.
Our last conversation was on Skype last night and we both cried and I asked her to think about us and everything we had and how much I love her, and then come back t me in a week and tell me how she feels. She agreed but all I can think of is her with that guy and I'm finding it so difficult to not say anything in fear of losing her for good. I really do want to give her space to think if that will help though.
I just need someone to talk to or get some advice because all I want to do is win her back. I feel completely dejected right now and it's probably pathetic because I can't stop crying. She means literally everything to me and there's nothing I wouldn't or didn't do to make her happy and feel better.
Original post by simplyshaun223
This is a little long but I will be so grateful to anyone who reads it and helps me out.
Basically I've been in a 10month long distance relationship with a girl who is bi-polar. I love her more than anything but 3 days ago she broke up with me for another guy.
I just don't understand because we were completely happy and yes her being bi-polar got tough sometimes but I was always there for her and would never even dream of hurting her in a million years. She's my world and my heart is completely broken right now.
Everything was great but two weeks ago she was grounded by her parents, who are horrible to her, we only talked once half way through her grounding when she managed to get her sisters phone and during she told me she really loves me. Then a week later she finally gets back and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and has found a new guy. But when I asked her if she meant what she said a week ago she said yes. I don't know if this is her bi-polar and honestly I'm feeling awful for wishing it is because I hate that she has to have it and suffers because of it.
Our last conversation was on Skype last night and we both cried and I asked her to think about us and everything we had and how much I love her, and then come back t me in a week and tell me how she feels. She agreed but all I can think of is her with that guy and I'm finding it so difficult to not say anything in fear of losing her for good. I really do want to give her space to think if that will help though.
I just need someone to talk to or get some advice because all I want to do is win her back. I feel completely dejected right now and it's probably pathetic because I can't stop crying. She means literally everything to me and there's nothing I wouldn't or didn't do to make her happy and feel better.
Basically I've been in a 10month long distance relationship with a girl who is bi-polar. I love her more than anything but 3 days ago she broke up with me for another guy.
I just don't understand because we were completely happy and yes her being bi-polar got tough sometimes but I was always there for her and would never even dream of hurting her in a million years. She's my world and my heart is completely broken right now.
Everything was great but two weeks ago she was grounded by her parents, who are horrible to her, we only talked once half way through her grounding when she managed to get her sisters phone and during she told me she really loves me. Then a week later she finally gets back and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and has found a new guy. But when I asked her if she meant what she said a week ago she said yes. I don't know if this is her bi-polar and honestly I'm feeling awful for wishing it is because I hate that she has to have it and suffers because of it.
Our last conversation was on Skype last night and we both cried and I asked her to think about us and everything we had and how much I love her, and then come back t me in a week and tell me how she feels. She agreed but all I can think of is her with that guy and I'm finding it so difficult to not say anything in fear of losing her for good. I really do want to give her space to think if that will help though.
I just need someone to talk to or get some advice because all I want to do is win her back. I feel completely dejected right now and it's probably pathetic because I can't stop crying. She means literally everything to me and there's nothing I wouldn't or didn't do to make her happy and feel better.
Hey, I feel your pain.
Unfortunately all you can do is let her go. It's probably best to forget about "winning" her back. It doesn't matter what someone says, always put more stock in their actions.
I had a girlfriend once who told me that she loved me, on the way out the door to meet with a married man with whom she was sleeping with. The biggest thing you can do is know when to cut your losses. IT WILL SUCK, IT WILL HURT BEYOND BELIEF. But the alternative is just delaying the inevitable and you might end up even worse off.
And now for my blues:
My LDR girlfriend of two years messaged me this morning to tell me that she wasn't sure if she loved me any more. She rarely misses me, or gets excited to talk to me. I talked her through the break-up procedure - just put everything you have that's mine into a box and take it to the post office, and then it's over.
Since I've already dropped £500 on flights next month though, when she said can we please try, I agreed. On the condition that we go halves on the flight and that when I'm there we have no pressure to be anything more than just people who might cuddle.
Please note, this is not something I'd have agreed to if I thought this was anything more than her just getting bored of me. If there was anyone else, then I'd have accepted her offer to just give me the money for the flights and then I'd stay at home and be single.
Good God is it horrific to be effectively told that you're not holding someone's interest though.
Original post by Calpurnia
Hey, I feel your pain.
Unfortunately all you can do is let her go. It's probably best to forget about "winning" her back. It doesn't matter what someone says, always put more stock in their actions.
I had a girlfriend once who told me that she loved me, on the way out the door to meet with a married man with whom she was sleeping with. The biggest thing you can do is know when to cut your losses. IT WILL SUCK, IT WILL HURT BEYOND BELIEF. But the alternative is just delaying the inevitable and you might end up even worse off.
And now for my blues:
My LDR girlfriend of two years messaged me this morning to tell me that she wasn't sure if she loved me any more. She rarely misses me, or gets excited to talk to me. I talked her through the break-up procedure - just put everything you have that's mine into a box and take it to the post office, and then it's over.
Since I've already dropped £500 on flights next month though, when she said can we please try, I agreed. On the condition that we go halves on the flight and that when I'm there we have no pressure to be anything more than just people who might cuddle.
Please note, this is not something I'd have agreed to if I thought this was anything more than her just getting bored of me. If there was anyone else, then I'd have accepted her offer to just give me the money for the flights and then I'd stay at home and be single.
Good God is it horrific to be effectively told that you're not holding someone's interest though.
Unfortunately all you can do is let her go. It's probably best to forget about "winning" her back. It doesn't matter what someone says, always put more stock in their actions.
I had a girlfriend once who told me that she loved me, on the way out the door to meet with a married man with whom she was sleeping with. The biggest thing you can do is know when to cut your losses. IT WILL SUCK, IT WILL HURT BEYOND BELIEF. But the alternative is just delaying the inevitable and you might end up even worse off.
And now for my blues:
My LDR girlfriend of two years messaged me this morning to tell me that she wasn't sure if she loved me any more. She rarely misses me, or gets excited to talk to me. I talked her through the break-up procedure - just put everything you have that's mine into a box and take it to the post office, and then it's over.
Since I've already dropped £500 on flights next month though, when she said can we please try, I agreed. On the condition that we go halves on the flight and that when I'm there we have no pressure to be anything more than just people who might cuddle.
Please note, this is not something I'd have agreed to if I thought this was anything more than her just getting bored of me. If there was anyone else, then I'd have accepted her offer to just give me the money for the flights and then I'd stay at home and be single.
Good God is it horrific to be effectively told that you're not holding someone's interest though.
I know, thank you for replying to me. I just want to curl up in a ball and die right now
she means literally everything to me 
Anyone else find that some people don't consider their relationship to be a "proper" one because it's long distance? Even though my mother and sister have both met him they often comment that we're not a real couple which upsets me
Original post by Vickaroo
All I can say is congratulations... My honeymoon period finished within 6 months, and we have our 5 year anniversary coming up in June. I wish I was still so soppy and lovey dovey, but frankly we're not. He's now living in Manchester and we will be long distance for the next 4 years. It doesn't make the heart grow fonder, in fact it makes everything harder and boring and difficult to deal with.
I know i'll spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, but Uni is dragging us apart for now... Not cool.
So you are one of the lucky ones, who get's to be in their honeymoon phase for a long time and I for one and very happy for you.
xx
I know i'll spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, but Uni is dragging us apart for now... Not cool.
So you are one of the lucky ones, who get's to be in their honeymoon phase for a long time and I for one and very happy for you.
xxWhy are you in a relationship if you're not interested and bored by him?
Also how do you know you'll be with him for the rest of your life? That's a little naive
I don't understand your thought process at all
Original post by simplyshaun223
I know, thank you for replying to me. I just want to curl up in a ball and die right now she means literally everything to me
she means literally everything to me I know, man, I know
I'm one step away from curling up as well. But we'll both be ok in the end <3
Original post by Anonymous
Anyone else find that some people don't consider their relationship to be a "proper" one because it's long distance? Even though my mother and sister have both met him they often comment that we're not a real couple which upsets me
Yeah, it's about as helpful as the "so how does that work, then?" comments when telling people about the distance.
Original post by Oats
Why are you in a relationship if you're not interested and bored by him?
Also how do you know you'll be with him for the rest of your life? That's a little naive
I don't understand your thought process at all
Also how do you know you'll be with him for the rest of your life? That's a little naive
I don't understand your thought process at all
It's a bit like marathon running for the fun of it. You could stop someone at 15 miles and they'd tell you that they'd the wall and were in absolute bits, but they'd keep running because the reason they're running outweighs the reasons they'd stop.
Original post by Anonymous
Anyone else find that some people don't consider their relationship to be a "proper" one because it's long distance? Even though my mother and sister have both met him they often comment that we're not a real couple which upsets me
Yes! My parents were supportive but a lot of my friends and other members of our families have uttered things like - well its not a real relationship! Why would you want to be a weekend gf? You should be single and enjoy uni life!
They have now thankfully stopped considering we've been together 7yrs (5.5 of those LD) and we're getting married this summer. Its hard but you if you believe in the relationship then **** everyone else, as long as you're happy and its working for you!
Original post by Anonymous
Feel like I'm counting down the days until my boyfriend goes to Australia for a year. Really didn't want this to happen, I just want to enjoy the time we have but I feel like we're not making the most of it. I won't see him from July-December and I'm so worried. I feel like I'm going to be miserable ALL the time and that I won't be able to cope whilst he'll be living it up having the time of his life in Australia not even thinking about me.
Sometimes I feel like I will be OK, other times I can't even think about it it makes me feel so sick.
I still don't think it's hit me that I won't see him for so long yet I can't stop thinking about it, idk what to do
Sometimes I feel like I will be OK, other times I can't even think about it it makes me feel so sick.
I still don't think it's hit me that I won't see him for so long yet I can't stop thinking about it, idk what to do
I agree with those saying Go for it! If it's something you'll regret if you don't do then you need to do it. I was the one left behind when my OH went travelling, it wasn't always easy and time difference (especially with australia) is a bitch but if you guys want to make it work and put the effort in then it will. Getting things like whatsapp, skype, snapchat so you can share experiences and talk. I would also set aside times once you're out there to catch up as this means that there's a definite time to talk. Plus it's only 6months which will fly by
Don't mean to numb the mood but this is something I need to get off my chest. Hoping nobody will judge me for this and that some of you may even understand. Here goes: I think i'm falling for someone else.
My LD boyfriend and I have been LD for coming up 2 years. At points I've thought he may be 'the one' etc. He is a great guy and a really amazing boyfriend. But since moving to uni at the start of relationship, I have grown and changed so much as a person and he has stayed exactly the same.
Recently I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and these feelings have intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore them. Don't get me wrong- I have not and never will physically cheat on my boyfriend but it feels like i'm having an emotional affair. My friend has no idea I feel this way for him- I have told nobody.
The friend I am falling for is at the same stage in life as I am and wants similar things, has similar goals etc. Whereas my boyfriend is doing exactly the same thing as he was doing when we first met and hasn't developed as a person at all.
Yet, I do love my boyfriend and all of this is very confusing. I do not know what to do because I feel like either way I will have regrets and sadness.
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
My LD boyfriend and I have been LD for coming up 2 years. At points I've thought he may be 'the one' etc. He is a great guy and a really amazing boyfriend. But since moving to uni at the start of relationship, I have grown and changed so much as a person and he has stayed exactly the same.
Recently I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and these feelings have intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore them. Don't get me wrong- I have not and never will physically cheat on my boyfriend but it feels like i'm having an emotional affair. My friend has no idea I feel this way for him- I have told nobody.
The friend I am falling for is at the same stage in life as I am and wants similar things, has similar goals etc. Whereas my boyfriend is doing exactly the same thing as he was doing when we first met and hasn't developed as a person at all.
Yet, I do love my boyfriend and all of this is very confusing. I do not know what to do because I feel like either way I will have regrets and sadness.
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
Original post by Anonymous
Don't mean to numb the mood but this is something I need to get off my chest. Hoping nobody will judge me for this and that some of you may even understand. Here goes: I think i'm falling for someone else.
My LD boyfriend and I have been LD for coming up 2 years. At points I've thought he may be 'the one' etc. He is a great guy and a really amazing boyfriend. But since moving to uni at the start of relationship, I have grown and changed so much as a person and he has stayed exactly the same.
Recently I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and these feelings have intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore them. Don't get me wrong- I have not and never will physically cheat on my boyfriend but it feels like i'm having an emotional affair. My friend has no idea I feel this way for him- I have told nobody.
The friend I am falling for is at the same stage in life as I am and wants similar things, has similar goals etc. Whereas my boyfriend is doing exactly the same thing as he was doing when we first met and hasn't developed as a person at all.
Yet, I do love my boyfriend and all of this is very confusing. I do not know what to do because I feel like either way I will have regrets and sadness.
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
My LD boyfriend and I have been LD for coming up 2 years. At points I've thought he may be 'the one' etc. He is a great guy and a really amazing boyfriend. But since moving to uni at the start of relationship, I have grown and changed so much as a person and he has stayed exactly the same.
Recently I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and these feelings have intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore them. Don't get me wrong- I have not and never will physically cheat on my boyfriend but it feels like i'm having an emotional affair. My friend has no idea I feel this way for him- I have told nobody.
The friend I am falling for is at the same stage in life as I am and wants similar things, has similar goals etc. Whereas my boyfriend is doing exactly the same thing as he was doing when we first met and hasn't developed as a person at all.
Yet, I do love my boyfriend and all of this is very confusing. I do not know what to do because I feel like either way I will have regrets and sadness.
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
Well, I think it's very common that people find other people that they relate to more than their significant other. Simply because you're actually sharing experiences with the person, while the LDR is always going to be trapped at whatever point it was left at.
IF you were equally distant from both parties, do you think you'd still be as bothered about the friend? Sometimes I think it's just a case of proximity and the natural urge to fill a gap.
Original post by Anonymous
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
Don't rush a decision about your relationship based on a crush. I'm not saying definitely stick with the relationship or anything, only that a crush can cloud the mind and you don't want to be hasty about a relationship of 2 years which has been so special to you.
Put thoughts of the other guy out of your mind - even if you split with your relationship with your boyfriend tomorrow you wouldn't immediately get with this other guy, and nothing would necessarily work out. So this isn't about him, it's about whether your boyfriend is right for you. Comparing him to an ideal/fantasy you've imposed on someone else (your crush) isn't helpful, I think.
Instead I recommend increasing the communication with your boyfriend, thinking of his positive as well as negatives, thinking about what he can bring you in the future, what you appreciate about him etc. Make an effort to see him and spend a nice time together and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Even though it might seem as though you are making the decision only more difficult for yourself, this is actually the solution. If you can't muster enthusiasm despite your best efforts, you'll know that the relationship isn't right. Give it a few weeks at least of trying, a long evaluation period. That way you can be sure. And if you do break up, at least you'll have a clearer reason why, that will be good for him to.
If on the other hand, you go back to feeling very in love with your boyfriend - then hopefully you'll be able to see where you went wrong and how to keep up the affection in future. And the crush will sort out itself.
I had the most major crush (I've ever had) about 4 years into my LDR - not as serious perhaps as what you describe (I didn't really consider leaving my boyfriend, but the feelings disturbed me). Looking at the relationship, making even a little effort made me appreciate it much more and the crush disappeared. Now it seems silly, and I can think of all the ways my crush (who seemed so perfect at the time) actually wouldn't be ideal for me. I feel that my relationship with my boyfriend is stronger than ever.
Original post by Anonymous
Don't mean to numb the mood but this is something I need to get off my chest. Hoping nobody will judge me for this and that some of you may even understand. Here goes: I think i'm falling for someone else.
My LD boyfriend and I have been LD for coming up 2 years. At points I've thought he may be 'the one' etc. He is a great guy and a really amazing boyfriend. But since moving to uni at the start of relationship, I have grown and changed so much as a person and he has stayed exactly the same.
Recently I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and these feelings have intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore them. Don't get me wrong- I have not and never will physically cheat on my boyfriend but it feels like i'm having an emotional affair. My friend has no idea I feel this way for him- I have told nobody.
The friend I am falling for is at the same stage in life as I am and wants similar things, has similar goals etc. Whereas my boyfriend is doing exactly the same thing as he was doing when we first met and hasn't developed as a person at all.
Yet, I do love my boyfriend and all of this is very confusing. I do not know what to do because I feel like either way I will have regrets and sadness.
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
My LD boyfriend and I have been LD for coming up 2 years. At points I've thought he may be 'the one' etc. He is a great guy and a really amazing boyfriend. But since moving to uni at the start of relationship, I have grown and changed so much as a person and he has stayed exactly the same.
Recently I started having feelings for a male friend of mine and these feelings have intensified to the point where I can no longer ignore them. Don't get me wrong- I have not and never will physically cheat on my boyfriend but it feels like i'm having an emotional affair. My friend has no idea I feel this way for him- I have told nobody.
The friend I am falling for is at the same stage in life as I am and wants similar things, has similar goals etc. Whereas my boyfriend is doing exactly the same thing as he was doing when we first met and hasn't developed as a person at all.
Yet, I do love my boyfriend and all of this is very confusing. I do not know what to do because I feel like either way I will have regrets and sadness.
Is it normal to develop feelings for others when you've been LD for a long time? Like I said, I've never acted on my feelings but simply cannot help the way I am feeling
I'm going to offer a differing viewpoint to those above me, this is just my opinion.
I don't think that significant, deep feelings for another person are normal or okay. You describe that you think you're 'falling for' him - it's not just a crush or your mind wondering, and if my boyfriend told me he's been having such feelings I'd want out of the relationship and feel really betrayed if he didn't tell me and give me the right to a choice.
People do change and drift and as it stands you've some nothing wrong, but I think he deserves to know.
And re cheating - emotional cheating can be just as bad, or worse actually than physical cheating - it can't be just a mistake, it's in your mind.
I have had a LDR with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. It started as a LDR, and I am not sure how much longer it will remain that way. He currently lives in Germany and is studying there and I live in London and am about to start my Bachelor's degree. However, I am worrying about several issues ATM:
1. I do not really see when we can stop our LDR and have a proper relationship. I feel like he would prefer living in Germany whereas I would prefer to stay in England, or even move somewhere entirely different, like Asia, as I would probably have a really tough time finding a job in Germany due to my degree (I will be studying Fine Art) and have dreams I want to pursue elsewhere.
2. I love him. A LOT, but I am not sure whether we would work as a couple if we weren't in a LDR. He has had several girlfriends before me while he is the first boy I have ever had a relationship with and I am worried I might be missing out on something or regret not having gone out with other boys in the future.
3. It feels like because of our relationship I am less open to other people or other opportunities, as I am always thinking in the back of my head: "NO, I have to use this time/money to visit so I can't join i.e.. my friends on a trip to Italy" . I often feel depressed, because communication is often hard and he doesn't really send me a lot of messages and it's a lot easier to say something insensitive when you aren't talking to each other face-to-face.
4. I am worried about his future a lot because due to family problems he has had some issues with depression, no motivation. I am worried he has no goals in life and I would have to drag him up every time. Don't get me wrong, I respect, love and trust him and always try to help and feel happy when I can help him, especially emotionally. However, I am not sure how long I would be able to keep this up, especially in later life. I have a feeling he relies on me being a very motivated person and that later in life I will be the money-maker and the one pushing us forward. Again, I wouldn't mind if I knew that I would not be the only one having to carry this burden. I want us both to be equals as adults and being able to support each other and work together for our life together.
5. I often have doubts about our relationship and find it hard to understand whether I want to continue it or break it off. I have gotten so used to being in a relationship with him that it has become a large part of my life and I would be scared of losing it. I am also scared that this is the best person I will find in my life and if I break it off I will never come across someone I would get along with so well. And because I am so inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I can't decide whether these doubts are real or just me overthinking (because I tend to be an over thinker) and in fact everything is fine.
Do you have any advice, similar situations?
Btw, we only see each other every three months and usually talk every three days (and obvi message in between that time)
It feels good to have gotten that off my chest.
Thanks in advance!
Alice
1. I do not really see when we can stop our LDR and have a proper relationship. I feel like he would prefer living in Germany whereas I would prefer to stay in England, or even move somewhere entirely different, like Asia, as I would probably have a really tough time finding a job in Germany due to my degree (I will be studying Fine Art) and have dreams I want to pursue elsewhere.
2. I love him. A LOT, but I am not sure whether we would work as a couple if we weren't in a LDR. He has had several girlfriends before me while he is the first boy I have ever had a relationship with and I am worried I might be missing out on something or regret not having gone out with other boys in the future.
3. It feels like because of our relationship I am less open to other people or other opportunities, as I am always thinking in the back of my head: "NO, I have to use this time/money to visit so I can't join i.e.. my friends on a trip to Italy" . I often feel depressed, because communication is often hard and he doesn't really send me a lot of messages and it's a lot easier to say something insensitive when you aren't talking to each other face-to-face.
4. I am worried about his future a lot because due to family problems he has had some issues with depression, no motivation. I am worried he has no goals in life and I would have to drag him up every time. Don't get me wrong, I respect, love and trust him and always try to help and feel happy when I can help him, especially emotionally. However, I am not sure how long I would be able to keep this up, especially in later life. I have a feeling he relies on me being a very motivated person and that later in life I will be the money-maker and the one pushing us forward. Again, I wouldn't mind if I knew that I would not be the only one having to carry this burden. I want us both to be equals as adults and being able to support each other and work together for our life together.
5. I often have doubts about our relationship and find it hard to understand whether I want to continue it or break it off. I have gotten so used to being in a relationship with him that it has become a large part of my life and I would be scared of losing it. I am also scared that this is the best person I will find in my life and if I break it off I will never come across someone I would get along with so well. And because I am so inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I can't decide whether these doubts are real or just me overthinking (because I tend to be an over thinker) and in fact everything is fine.
Do you have any advice, similar situations?
Btw, we only see each other every three months and usually talk every three days (and obvi message in between that time)
It feels good to have gotten that off my chest.
Thanks in advance!
Alice
Original post by Anonymous
I have had a LDR with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. It started as a LDR, and I am not sure how much longer it will remain that way. He currently lives in Germany and is studying there and I live in London and am about to start my Bachelor's degree. However, I am worrying about several issues ATM:
1. I do not really see when we can stop our LDR and have a proper relationship. I feel like he would prefer living in Germany whereas I would prefer to stay in England, or even move somewhere entirely different, like Asia, as I would probably have a really tough time finding a job in Germany due to my degree (I will be studying Fine Art) and have dreams I want to pursue elsewhere.
2. I love him. A LOT, but I am not sure whether we would work as a couple if we weren't in a LDR. He has had several girlfriends before me while he is the first boy I have ever had a relationship with and I am worried I might be missing out on something or regret not having gone out with other boys in the future.
3. It feels like because of our relationship I am less open to other people or other opportunities, as I am always thinking in the back of my head: "NO, I have to use this time/money to visit so I can't join i.e.. my friends on a trip to Italy" . I often feel depressed, because communication is often hard and he doesn't really send me a lot of messages and it's a lot easier to say something insensitive when you aren't talking to each other face-to-face.
4. I am worried about his future a lot because due to family problems he has had some issues with depression, no motivation. I am worried he has no goals in life and I would have to drag him up every time. Don't get me wrong, I respect, love and trust him and always try to help and feel happy when I can help him, especially emotionally. However, I am not sure how long I would be able to keep this up, especially in later life. I have a feeling he relies on me being a very motivated person and that later in life I will be the money-maker and the one pushing us forward. Again, I wouldn't mind if I knew that I would not be the only one having to carry this burden. I want us both to be equals as adults and being able to support each other and work together for our life together.
5. I often have doubts about our relationship and find it hard to understand whether I want to continue it or break it off. I have gotten so used to being in a relationship with him that it has become a large part of my life and I would be scared of losing it. I am also scared that this is the best person I will find in my life and if I break it off I will never come across someone I would get along with so well. And because I am so inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I can't decide whether these doubts are real or just me overthinking (because I tend to be an over thinker) and in fact everything is fine.
Do you have any advice, similar situations?
Btw, we only see each other every three months and usually talk every three days (and obvi message in between that time)
It feels good to have gotten that off my chest.
Thanks in advance!
Alice
1. I do not really see when we can stop our LDR and have a proper relationship. I feel like he would prefer living in Germany whereas I would prefer to stay in England, or even move somewhere entirely different, like Asia, as I would probably have a really tough time finding a job in Germany due to my degree (I will be studying Fine Art) and have dreams I want to pursue elsewhere.
2. I love him. A LOT, but I am not sure whether we would work as a couple if we weren't in a LDR. He has had several girlfriends before me while he is the first boy I have ever had a relationship with and I am worried I might be missing out on something or regret not having gone out with other boys in the future.
3. It feels like because of our relationship I am less open to other people or other opportunities, as I am always thinking in the back of my head: "NO, I have to use this time/money to visit so I can't join i.e.. my friends on a trip to Italy" . I often feel depressed, because communication is often hard and he doesn't really send me a lot of messages and it's a lot easier to say something insensitive when you aren't talking to each other face-to-face.
4. I am worried about his future a lot because due to family problems he has had some issues with depression, no motivation. I am worried he has no goals in life and I would have to drag him up every time. Don't get me wrong, I respect, love and trust him and always try to help and feel happy when I can help him, especially emotionally. However, I am not sure how long I would be able to keep this up, especially in later life. I have a feeling he relies on me being a very motivated person and that later in life I will be the money-maker and the one pushing us forward. Again, I wouldn't mind if I knew that I would not be the only one having to carry this burden. I want us both to be equals as adults and being able to support each other and work together for our life together.
5. I often have doubts about our relationship and find it hard to understand whether I want to continue it or break it off. I have gotten so used to being in a relationship with him that it has become a large part of my life and I would be scared of losing it. I am also scared that this is the best person I will find in my life and if I break it off I will never come across someone I would get along with so well. And because I am so inexperienced when it comes to relationships, I can't decide whether these doubts are real or just me overthinking (because I tend to be an over thinker) and in fact everything is fine.
Do you have any advice, similar situations?
Btw, we only see each other every three months and usually talk every three days (and obvi message in between that time)
It feels good to have gotten that off my chest.
Thanks in advance!
Alice
another thing I want to say is that it sounds as if he has done nothing for me, but this is not true. He has boosted my confidence, he takes care of me when I am with him, he is appreciative and does not cheat on me and actually loves me unconditionally. He is also very thoughtful and (usually) respectful towards. So it ain'T all bad. I just wonder why I still have doubts
Or how to cope with these feelings...
First post in this bit, I'm sorry to crash whatever other problem you're currently sorting!
I've been speaking to my boyfriend since June 2012, friends with benefits since January 2013, finally officially in a relationship in December 2013.
He has depression, which obviously isn't the easiest thing to deal with, especially as i started uni 250 miles away last September.
The past couple of weeks he hasn't been replying to my "love you"s, so I called him up on it to see why - he said the distance was too hard. I understand that, but what I don't get is that he's saying it just as I'm going home for summer. Then this morning I woke up to a text (a TEXT) saying that he didn't want to drag this out and he wanted to break up.
Unless there is an ulterior motive here, I absolutely do not understand. Has anyone got any tips on how to save us!? I'm home a week today if it makes any difference, I've already asked him to just wait that long and see how we go when I'm home.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I've been speaking to my boyfriend since June 2012, friends with benefits since January 2013, finally officially in a relationship in December 2013.
He has depression, which obviously isn't the easiest thing to deal with, especially as i started uni 250 miles away last September.
The past couple of weeks he hasn't been replying to my "love you"s, so I called him up on it to see why - he said the distance was too hard. I understand that, but what I don't get is that he's saying it just as I'm going home for summer. Then this morning I woke up to a text (a TEXT) saying that he didn't want to drag this out and he wanted to break up.
Unless there is an ulterior motive here, I absolutely do not understand. Has anyone got any tips on how to save us!? I'm home a week today if it makes any difference, I've already asked him to just wait that long and see how we go when I'm home.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by peedie pixie
First post in this bit, I'm sorry to crash whatever other problem you're currently sorting!
I've been speaking to my boyfriend since June 2012, friends with benefits since January 2013, finally officially in a relationship in December 2013.
He has depression, which obviously isn't the easiest thing to deal with, especially as i started uni 250 miles away last September.
The past couple of weeks he hasn't been replying to my "love you"s, so I called him up on it to see why - he said the distance was too hard. I understand that, but what I don't get is that he's saying it just as I'm going home for summer. Then this morning I woke up to a text (a TEXT) saying that he didn't want to drag this out and he wanted to break up.
Unless there is an ulterior motive here, I absolutely do not understand. Has anyone got any tips on how to save us!? I'm home a week today if it makes any difference, I've already asked him to just wait that long and see how we go when I'm home.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I've been speaking to my boyfriend since June 2012, friends with benefits since January 2013, finally officially in a relationship in December 2013.
He has depression, which obviously isn't the easiest thing to deal with, especially as i started uni 250 miles away last September.
The past couple of weeks he hasn't been replying to my "love you"s, so I called him up on it to see why - he said the distance was too hard. I understand that, but what I don't get is that he's saying it just as I'm going home for summer. Then this morning I woke up to a text (a TEXT) saying that he didn't want to drag this out and he wanted to break up.
Unless there is an ulterior motive here, I absolutely do not understand. Has anyone got any tips on how to save us!? I'm home a week today if it makes any difference, I've already asked him to just wait that long and see how we go when I'm home.
Posted from TSR Mobile
You can of course meet him when you're home, but he hadn't exactly treated you well in the way he's gone about things and seems to have shown no care for you and a complete disregard for your relationship. My advice to you would be to back off. I know that's probably the last thing you want to do, but trying to contact him lots will probably just come off as annoying to him as his feelings seen to have changed and he hasn't really made an effort to talk to you. Go no contact, and if he does in fact have a change if heart the space abd time without you will allow him to think and miss you. Hope it turns out well xx
PLEASE READ. MAY LOOK LONG BUT I REALLY NEEDED YOU GUYS TO UNDERSTAND.
Hey well basically. I've known this guy since kids. But he's in one country and i'm in another. When the year 2012 came i went to my hometown/country land (whatever). And he too goes there every year. We both live in the same big house every year. I thought he was amazing, sweet, sensitive and a very humble guy + sexy. The first year there was rumors going around with my cousins saying that he really likes me. And since my culture is totally against love before marriage- so a bit like arranged marriage, i was forbidden to love him. So i told everyone that i didn't feel that way. They told me to tell him to back off. But i didn't because i felt the same as he did. That year went, but during that time you could tell he liked me and i liked him. The next year, i promised myself i wasn't going to waste time. So eventually after a like 2 weeks he told me he loved me. With his eyes full of warmth and voice so deep. I couldn't tell him i felt the same. Because if anyone found out, that is my future in the bin. If anyone found out, no one would marry me, my name would be blackened and i would have been in deep **** with my parents and family etc.. He's a close family friend, so we all know each other. Eventually i came out with it. I told him i felt the same. He flirted, kissed, held hands, etc.. etc.. no details needed. We were captured by each other extremely. But then i had to leave... He made me promise to make a facebook account, to stay in contact. So i did. But that is forbidden too... So at home was a risky situation. We texted for about 3 months until January when i had to stop. Because i had this terrible feeling my mum was going to find out. He begged me to stay, cried , said he'll kill himself... But i eventually became harsh and said no sorry. And left. Permanently deleting my fb. Deleting all memories. Untill May i had gone crazy, didn't eat much, cried every night etc.. May was when i couldn't take it no more. I made an account again. He hated me. His words stabbed me in my heart. But i never blamed him. It was my problem. But eventually after tears and pain i was about to say leave since he wanted me to. But he said; wait. I still love you. After that we were one again. But deeper than before. I had changed. I didn't care if my future was going to get ruined, or if no one will marry me. I only wanted/needed him. It felt like God had made him from scratch for me. We were truly meant to be. Meanwhile at home, parents had a few issues, and i have bruxism- i grind a lot due to stress, but my teeth are still fine. Thankfully... But because i had so much on my plate, a Diary seemed to aid everything. I wrote everything down every night and hid it too. One day came in June, 3 days before my mum was going to my hometown and he too was already there. I couldn't go that year. But anyways i was out, until like 4pm. And when i come home my wardrobe has been bombarded. And the diary was exposed. My mum's words hissed in my ears. The hissing really killed me. I hyperventilated, muscles deformed etc.. The ambulance came and calmed me down. She hissed and hissed and hissed, it drove me to deep depression. I believe i couldn't go on. I've had anger problems for a long time. So my mum left, made me swear to God and swear on her life that i won't contact him. So when i left him, i made sure he knew i loved him. I said i was sorry and loved him forever and im waiting for him. He didn't understand. He pleaded again and i didn't understand why he didn't understand. So lastly i said i love you, and left him in a better way than before. I didn't delete the fb account because that hurt him a lot before... I was scared he would hate/forget me. A month later my bestfriend/cousin; who knows everything told me shes spoken to him. she said he loves you, is waiting for you and that he understands. This gave me relief. Like a weirdo, i spoke to him every night/ a star in the night sky, instead of a stupid diary. This year, March was when i searched him after nights of tears. Usually you could only see his youtube acc, but i saw his fb acc instead. He's happy( which makes me happy), but some pictures show a sense of hate. Like a picture quoting; it's better to be alone so no one hurts you. And also, he has friends tht are girls now( which isn't a problem), but he comments on their pictures like; beautiful, and sends picture msg; like a strawberry puppet kissing an apple puppet)- which does make me a little jealous. But the main problem is, i can tell he hates me. But i'm confused... My BF/cousin told me he loves me, is waiting and understands... Why has he changed. I don't expect him to forgive me fully. But it wasn't my fault completely. I truly do love him, and i know he loves me.. But i don't understand anything. I'm not a emotionl, depressed chick... I put a smile on and act like im okay. I've learnt to be a professional at that since nursery... But i do cry every night. I'm going to my hometown this year.. I'll see him after two years.. I'm scared his words will kill me. Scared he'll hate me and reject me. I don't know what to do.. And my mum will be with me and will hardly let me see him.. Help please.
Hey well basically. I've known this guy since kids. But he's in one country and i'm in another. When the year 2012 came i went to my hometown/country land (whatever). And he too goes there every year. We both live in the same big house every year. I thought he was amazing, sweet, sensitive and a very humble guy + sexy. The first year there was rumors going around with my cousins saying that he really likes me. And since my culture is totally against love before marriage- so a bit like arranged marriage, i was forbidden to love him. So i told everyone that i didn't feel that way. They told me to tell him to back off. But i didn't because i felt the same as he did. That year went, but during that time you could tell he liked me and i liked him. The next year, i promised myself i wasn't going to waste time. So eventually after a like 2 weeks he told me he loved me. With his eyes full of warmth and voice so deep. I couldn't tell him i felt the same. Because if anyone found out, that is my future in the bin. If anyone found out, no one would marry me, my name would be blackened and i would have been in deep **** with my parents and family etc.. He's a close family friend, so we all know each other. Eventually i came out with it. I told him i felt the same. He flirted, kissed, held hands, etc.. etc.. no details needed. We were captured by each other extremely. But then i had to leave... He made me promise to make a facebook account, to stay in contact. So i did. But that is forbidden too... So at home was a risky situation. We texted for about 3 months until January when i had to stop. Because i had this terrible feeling my mum was going to find out. He begged me to stay, cried , said he'll kill himself... But i eventually became harsh and said no sorry. And left. Permanently deleting my fb. Deleting all memories. Untill May i had gone crazy, didn't eat much, cried every night etc.. May was when i couldn't take it no more. I made an account again. He hated me. His words stabbed me in my heart. But i never blamed him. It was my problem. But eventually after tears and pain i was about to say leave since he wanted me to. But he said; wait. I still love you. After that we were one again. But deeper than before. I had changed. I didn't care if my future was going to get ruined, or if no one will marry me. I only wanted/needed him. It felt like God had made him from scratch for me. We were truly meant to be. Meanwhile at home, parents had a few issues, and i have bruxism- i grind a lot due to stress, but my teeth are still fine. Thankfully... But because i had so much on my plate, a Diary seemed to aid everything. I wrote everything down every night and hid it too. One day came in June, 3 days before my mum was going to my hometown and he too was already there. I couldn't go that year. But anyways i was out, until like 4pm. And when i come home my wardrobe has been bombarded. And the diary was exposed. My mum's words hissed in my ears. The hissing really killed me. I hyperventilated, muscles deformed etc.. The ambulance came and calmed me down. She hissed and hissed and hissed, it drove me to deep depression. I believe i couldn't go on. I've had anger problems for a long time. So my mum left, made me swear to God and swear on her life that i won't contact him. So when i left him, i made sure he knew i loved him. I said i was sorry and loved him forever and im waiting for him. He didn't understand. He pleaded again and i didn't understand why he didn't understand. So lastly i said i love you, and left him in a better way than before. I didn't delete the fb account because that hurt him a lot before... I was scared he would hate/forget me. A month later my bestfriend/cousin; who knows everything told me shes spoken to him. she said he loves you, is waiting for you and that he understands. This gave me relief. Like a weirdo, i spoke to him every night/ a star in the night sky, instead of a stupid diary. This year, March was when i searched him after nights of tears. Usually you could only see his youtube acc, but i saw his fb acc instead. He's happy( which makes me happy), but some pictures show a sense of hate. Like a picture quoting; it's better to be alone so no one hurts you. And also, he has friends tht are girls now( which isn't a problem), but he comments on their pictures like; beautiful, and sends picture msg; like a strawberry puppet kissing an apple puppet)- which does make me a little jealous. But the main problem is, i can tell he hates me. But i'm confused... My BF/cousin told me he loves me, is waiting and understands... Why has he changed. I don't expect him to forgive me fully. But it wasn't my fault completely. I truly do love him, and i know he loves me.. But i don't understand anything. I'm not a emotionl, depressed chick... I put a smile on and act like im okay. I've learnt to be a professional at that since nursery... But i do cry every night. I'm going to my hometown this year.. I'll see him after two years.. I'm scared his words will kill me. Scared he'll hate me and reject me. I don't know what to do.. And my mum will be with me and will hardly let me see him.. Help please.
(edited 10 years ago)
Hai there!
Okay so my boyfriend and I are deciding what universities to make our firm choices, and it is possible we may be far from each other. It can go several ways:
- We both choose Newcastle University as our firm choices, get the grades required and go Newcastle.
- We both choose Newcastle University as our firm choices, one or both of us fail to get into Newcastle, so we'd have to look to our insurance choices (me = Plymouth uni, him = Uni of Manchester)
- One or both of us choose the other offer (me = Liverpool, him = Herriot-Watts) as our firm and we either get in or fail, etc.
Due to his as grades, predicted grades and how this year has gone, plus uni related factors, he is more likely to choose Herriot-Watts over Newcastle. Since we see each other pretty much 5 days a week (due to our courses), what could we do to cope with the (possible) initial few months at different universities? And then from then on?
Also, he said should a situation arise with him and another girl like it did with him and I when we'd first met (no naughty stuff, just being childish, flirting and getting too close to crossing a certain line, before realisations kick in), and he decides to date her over me, how would I cope?
Thank you for your time :')
Okay so my boyfriend and I are deciding what universities to make our firm choices, and it is possible we may be far from each other. It can go several ways:
- We both choose Newcastle University as our firm choices, get the grades required and go Newcastle.
- We both choose Newcastle University as our firm choices, one or both of us fail to get into Newcastle, so we'd have to look to our insurance choices (me = Plymouth uni, him = Uni of Manchester)
- One or both of us choose the other offer (me = Liverpool, him = Herriot-Watts) as our firm and we either get in or fail, etc.
Due to his as grades, predicted grades and how this year has gone, plus uni related factors, he is more likely to choose Herriot-Watts over Newcastle. Since we see each other pretty much 5 days a week (due to our courses), what could we do to cope with the (possible) initial few months at different universities? And then from then on?
Also, he said should a situation arise with him and another girl like it did with him and I when we'd first met (no naughty stuff, just being childish, flirting and getting too close to crossing a certain line, before realisations kick in), and he decides to date her over me, how would I cope?
Thank you for your time :')
I've been with my boyfriend in an LDR between two different countries for eleven months. We argue sometimes, but we make compromises and ultimately we're always there for each other and have never had any problems that I would consider serious. But last night my boyfriend told me over Skype that he was seriously doubting whether he could continue long-distance.
I didn't see this coming at all; I always thought I was the one struggling with the distance more than he was - in fact he told me as much barely two days ago. Yesterday was exactly eleven months since we got together, so he sent me a message in the morning saying 'I love you as much as I did eleven months ago, if not even more.' And the previous evening we'd spent a lot of time talking about our proposed summer together - just little things that we wanted to do like visiting a certain restaurant and going for a walk along the beach when we go away. So I was hugely shocked when he said this to me; I cried a lot, and we're still talking semi-normally today, but he's being a bit cold and avoiding saying anything like 'I love you.'
Furthermore he'd gone out with friends last night and had a bit to drink. And then he said to me this morning that he was 'sorry about last night, I think I was quite drunk.' But then he went on to say that the point still stood that he was doubting our relationship. And I think he might have been a bit annoyed with me last night because I was in a bad mood and acting quite needy, so I'm wondering if that has made our relationship seem worse from his point of view than it was, for example, the previous night, when we were having a laugh together.
So basically I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend very much, and I can't imagine being without him. But I don't know how serious he is about this - whether he genuinely, deeply means it or whether he was just in a bad mood with me last night and it's continued on into today. I'm really confused...
I didn't see this coming at all; I always thought I was the one struggling with the distance more than he was - in fact he told me as much barely two days ago. Yesterday was exactly eleven months since we got together, so he sent me a message in the morning saying 'I love you as much as I did eleven months ago, if not even more.' And the previous evening we'd spent a lot of time talking about our proposed summer together - just little things that we wanted to do like visiting a certain restaurant and going for a walk along the beach when we go away. So I was hugely shocked when he said this to me; I cried a lot, and we're still talking semi-normally today, but he's being a bit cold and avoiding saying anything like 'I love you.'
Furthermore he'd gone out with friends last night and had a bit to drink. And then he said to me this morning that he was 'sorry about last night, I think I was quite drunk.' But then he went on to say that the point still stood that he was doubting our relationship. And I think he might have been a bit annoyed with me last night because I was in a bad mood and acting quite needy, so I'm wondering if that has made our relationship seem worse from his point of view than it was, for example, the previous night, when we were having a laugh together.
So basically I don't know what to do.
I love my boyfriend very much, and I can't imagine being without him. But I don't know how serious he is about this - whether he genuinely, deeply means it or whether he was just in a bad mood with me last night and it's continued on into today. I'm really confused...Original post by Jozka
I've been with my boyfriend in an LDR between two different countries for eleven months. We argue sometimes, but we make compromises and ultimately we're always there for each other and have never had any problems that I would consider serious. But last night my boyfriend told me over Skype that he was seriously doubting whether he could continue long-distance.
I didn't see this coming at all; I always thought I was the one struggling with the distance more than he was - in fact he told me as much barely two days ago. Yesterday was exactly eleven months since we got together, so he sent me a message in the morning saying 'I love you as much as I did eleven months ago, if not even more.' And the previous evening we'd spent a lot of time talking about our proposed summer together - just little things that we wanted to do like visiting a certain restaurant and going for a walk along the beach when we go away. So I was hugely shocked when he said this to me; I cried a lot, and we're still talking semi-normally today, but he's being a bit cold and avoiding saying anything like 'I love you.'
Furthermore he'd gone out with friends last night and had a bit to drink. And then he said to me this morning that he was 'sorry about last night, I think I was quite drunk.' But then he went on to say that the point still stood that he was doubting our relationship. And I think he might have been a bit annoyed with me last night because I was in a bad mood and acting quite needy, so I'm wondering if that has made our relationship seem worse from his point of view than it was, for example, the previous night, when we were having a laugh together.
So basically I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend very much, and I can't imagine being without him. But I don't know how serious he is about this - whether he genuinely, deeply means it or whether he was just in a bad mood with me last night and it's continued on into today. I'm really confused...
I didn't see this coming at all; I always thought I was the one struggling with the distance more than he was - in fact he told me as much barely two days ago. Yesterday was exactly eleven months since we got together, so he sent me a message in the morning saying 'I love you as much as I did eleven months ago, if not even more.' And the previous evening we'd spent a lot of time talking about our proposed summer together - just little things that we wanted to do like visiting a certain restaurant and going for a walk along the beach when we go away. So I was hugely shocked when he said this to me; I cried a lot, and we're still talking semi-normally today, but he's being a bit cold and avoiding saying anything like 'I love you.'
Furthermore he'd gone out with friends last night and had a bit to drink. And then he said to me this morning that he was 'sorry about last night, I think I was quite drunk.' But then he went on to say that the point still stood that he was doubting our relationship. And I think he might have been a bit annoyed with me last night because I was in a bad mood and acting quite needy, so I'm wondering if that has made our relationship seem worse from his point of view than it was, for example, the previous night, when we were having a laugh together.
So basically I don't know what to do.
I love my boyfriend very much, and I can't imagine being without him. But I don't know how serious he is about this - whether he genuinely, deeply means it or whether he was just in a bad mood with me last night and it's continued on into today. I'm really confused...Awful situation really, I hope you're dealing with it okay! He seems very confused. I think you should give home done space, message saying you don't talk for a couple of days and then you can discuss where this relationship goes. He's not going to figure anything out while talking to you because it'll depend on the conversations so he'll fluctuate, but without you he'll either miss you or won't - and you'll have your answer.
I know it'll be hard, but you being needy will just push him further!
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